MAN-MAKING BLOG: June 2014

June 17, 2014

Supporting Fatherless Boys

Dave Bolduc is a Man-Making Blog subscriber, contributor, and true brother in mission. In the following story Dave reacts to the recent Man-Making Blog post titled Un-Father's Day, and describes how and why he shows up for the fatherless boys.

I am one of those guys Earl mentioned in his last blog post about Un-Father's Day. While my relationship with my dad was pretty good, we never really connected at a deep level because we really didn't know how to communicate our feelings to each other. He died unexpectedly one night, so I didn't get a last chance to have that important conversation, or even to say goodbye for that matter. I know he loved me and was proud of me; we just never put those feelings into words. I guess that's why, for me, working with young guys is so important. I want them to know they are really cared about.

I'm involved with a chapter of the Boys to Men Mentoring Network here in Virginia (BTMVA). In our group, I'd say most of the young men don't have a father present in their lives, and many of the boys never even knew their dads. In the picture below you'll see seven boys who are now J-Men, Journeymen graduates of our Rite of Passage Weekend on their graduation from 8th grade. Not one of them is connected with his father. The guys are from the projects, but they are kids lucky enough to go to a school, get a free education and at least a chance to succeed.

The picture on the right is me having a farewell dinner with a sixteen year-old boy named Robert. He was another one of our guys whose father was not in his life. Three years ago Robert was able to reconnect with his dad. With the skills he learned in BTMVA, and lots of support, after only a few months he was able to communicate with his dad and do his part to make their relationship strong. In BTMVA we helped Robert find new ways to express and deal with his considerable anger. That kept him out of trouble which made his dad proud.

. . . at least he's had a chance to speak to his father
and tell him he loves him.

Unfortunately, Robert is getting shipped off to live with his aunt and uncle for the summer, and he will likely be there until he turns 18. In reality, it' a better place for him to live rather than just roaming the streets bored. But his dad is dying and it's unlikely he'll be able to be with him when he dies. My heart aches for him. It's like my situation, but at least he's had a chance to speak to his father and tell him he loves him.

Supporting these guys in our Boys to Men group is how I give back. I do it for them to be sure, but I get so much back in the process. One example of how we support these boys is that on Father's Day, myself and seven other men accompanied eighteen boys to King's Dominion Amusement Park. The young guys were really excited about the giant rides, food and fun. I have to say I had a great time too. I know they loved the day out and important memories were created for everyone.

I really encourage more men to get involved. If you want some ideas about what you can do, give Earl a shout, or send me an email at dbolduc@kcc.com. Or simply look around! I'm pretty sure without looking too hard you can find an organization supporting fatherless boys in your community. Like our Boys to Men organization, they will very much appreciate your time. I guarantee the young guys will love it too, and you'll be a better man as a result.

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page!

CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

TWEET: Send this post along to your friends or follow me on Twitter!

Follow @earlh

June 12, 2014

UN-Father's Day

Fathers, for better and worse, are THE most powerful man-making force on the planet.

On Father's Day, I can't help but think of my dad and his incredible influence in my life. From my childhood through adolescence, my dad was lost in his marriage, was sick, and in the throes of alcoholism. While there were some gifts, too often he treated me horribly and I've been finding my way back ever since.

. . . dad season . . .

As the commercial messages about Father's Day bring fathers and fatherhood into everyone's consciousness, for me that stew pot of memories called "Dad," with it's very mixed bag of confusing emotions, gets seriously stirred up. Even though I know my father was the best dad he was able to be, I'm left feeling the complicated remnants of rage, love, sadness, hopelessness, and a kind of father-hunger driven emptiness at my core.

After years of self-discovery work and digging around in my family history, I've been able to find some true expressions of my dad's fatherly love. Like water in the desert, I treasure those few positive memories. Taken together, they form a small shield I can use to protect myself on Father's Day. At this point in my life, I'm exhausted by both talking and not talking about my dad issues. But when the third Sunday of June approaches each year, I find myself looking forward to the relief on the day after Father's Day when it all goes underground again.

In this dad season, I'm also very much reminded of the many men, adolescent males, and young boys I've come across in my man-making work who don't have any good dad memories at all to use as a defense on Father's Day. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I think of all the really bad dad stories shared across a circle by sobbing guys.

I have heard from countless men, young men, and boys who have never known a dad because he simply wasn't identifiable, because they were adopted at birth, or because of a court ordered separation from their fathers. Then there are all the dads who left during pregnancy, or the dads who were shot in the hood from gang violence. I remember a soft-spoken boy of ten whose initiation name was Steel Heart. He was in the room when his dad killed himself with a shotgun blast to the head. Then there are all the kids whose dads are in jail, or lost to PTSD or substance abuse. I'm just saying, I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I always wonder if just the idea of Father's Day has the result of re-wounding these fatherless males. I wonder if the day stirs up their deep, confusing, profound, and very well-defended sense of abandonment and father-loss. For them, again this year, it will be very much an Un-Father's Day.

So on this Father's Day, if you have the good fortune to honor a good dad, count your blessings and don't miss a chance to thank him. However imperfectly he fathered you, he was there and doing the best he could do. He deserves to be thanked and celebrated.

After giving your dad a blessing, take a moment to allow into your heart all those tragically abandoned or under-fathered young guys in the world around you who won't feel those good-dad feelings on Father's Day. Remember that on Father's Day, and every other day of the year, these guys will experience a profound hunger for the blessings that can only come from having a father in your life who cares about you. Remember all the boys and men who, maybe like me, are just hoping all this complicated dad business will pass by soon, go back underground, and that life somehow will get back to a survivable normal on the day after Un-Father's Day.

. . . I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

So on my Un-Father's Day card I'd write:

Blessings on good dads everywhere. Blessings on the dads who in some way checked-out and on the sad legacy they have to live with. And especially, blessings on dad-hungry males everywhere. Buried underneath all the drama and tragedy that kept you and your father apart, I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page!

Follow @earlh

June 1, 2014

Chef - A Guy Film To Soften A Man's Heart

My father was basically a John Wayne era 'tough guy', who showed little emotion other than anger, smoked, liked to drink, and was gone a lot. He saw the young me as a smart ass and the root of the problems in his marriage. All nuts, of course, but along the way, I got so much negative attention, my self-esteem bucket was like a colander. I've spent a lot of years plugging up the holes.

. . . my self-esteem bucket was like a colander.

My dark dad history, and all those similar stories I've heard from men and young men over the years, are the reasons I'm a sucker for the 'good dad' films. There aren't many, but when I see them, even if the plot isn't that great, I take some joy in suspending my judgments and letting the tears of joy and grief roll down my face. In a mixed-up way, it's healing for me.

So that's what happened, again, when I saw the film Chef. In the film, a skilled chef is selling his soul by cooking good, but uninspired food at an up-scale restaurant. In addition to ignoring his deep passion for creative cooking, he is also ignoring his 10 year-old son. As the result of a divorce, as a single parent he gets occasional visits with his kid. On the times he doesn't back out of the scheduled dad time, he has dutiful, but sadly impersonal visits with his son. The kid has huge dad hunger, and dad isn't really there.

Chef isn't deep in terms of plot. In fact it's simplistic, and even predictable. But it is fun and a foodie treat. It's been labelled food porn for all the sensuous shots of beautiful food you see creatively prepared. At it's core, it's a food film with a 'dad and son' back-story. The music is rich and energetic, there are some very funny lines/moments between the players, and there is some great road-trip scenery.

. . . how a young guy gets a peak at "manhood"
by hanging with the men in his dad's world.

If you look closely, Chef offers some back-stories about how good men friends care about and support each other in the hard times, how technology is changing the world, and a fun, too true, look at how a young guy gets a peak at "manhood" by hanging with the men in his dad's world. Sadly, it has an R rating because you have to put up with way too much swearing, pot smoking, drinking, and too many sexual innuendos for a film about a man and his 10 year-old son.

The teary part for me is when, toward the end of the film, the dad and son do connect with each other, have fun, go on adventures, speak truth about their relationship, and find ways to show how much they love each other. How can a man not shed a tear at that outcome?

I remember the biblical phrase, "This is my beloved son in whom I'm well-pleased." I have always hungered for that blessing. When I am in the presence of that statement being expressed in the world around me, no matter the form or how thinly it's veiled, it goes right to my heart.

You can get the feel for the film in the clip below. You can also read this review of the film in the Washington Post for more detailed information about the plot and cast. It's not really a film for really young guys, but it's a story that will soften the heart of even a tin man.

Do you have a film that gets to you in the same way?

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page!

Follow @earlh