The Male Emotional Suppression Cycleand Human Volcanoes

I'm sitting in a boy's high school group across the circle from a young guy whose eyes are darting around the room. He is unconsciously biting his fingernails, and his right leg is continuously bouncing at a ferocious pace. Let’s call him Joe. Looking at Joe, it feels to me like I’m watching a wild animal that has been backed into a corner. I’ve known that kind of agitation as a teen and recognize what’s underneath. For the first few weeks of the group, whenever it was Joe’s turn to speak, he’d usually say there's nothing much going on in his life. We see a lot of guys like Joe.

Looking at Joe, it feels to me
like I’m watching a wild animal
that has been backed into a corner.

So much of what happens in the group is about working against the male stereotypes that say, man up, be tough, don’t show your pain, and just play hurt. It’s those messages that are at the core of Joe’s limited ability to really understand and work with his internal emotional life. More about Joe at the end of this post.

Teenage males like Joe have no choice but to live through the often difficult challenges of their home life, complex and mystifying social relationships, academic demands, and the multiple losses that are a common part of a young man's adolescence. Without a safe place, permission, and support to risk emotional expression, the internal pressure can only build. With no positive avenues for release, they become emotionally pressurized like Joe, a kind of human volcano. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised to see impatience, restlessness, anger, bullying, explosive violence, or the even the darker side of unexpressed feelings, hopelessness and depression.

With no positive avenues for release,
they become emotionally pressurized like Joe,
a kind of human volcano.

Mark Greene is the Executive Editor at The Good Men Project (GMP) and the author of a great new book, Remaking Manhood. In an article for GMP Mark offers us a beautifully simple graphic which begins to explain the trap in which young guys like Joe and so many men, are caught. It describes how, starting from early childhood, boys are taught to suppress their emotions and narrow their range of expression. Mark calls it The Male Emotional Suppression Cycle (MESC).

Some real life examples of the costs of The Male Emotional Suppression Cycle for men come from an article and video recently published in the UK HUFFPOST Lifestyle section. In the article by Kenny Mammarella-D'Cruz, titled Man Up!, he describes the wrenching emotional impact of a significant loss in his family life when he was a young man, how poorly he dealt with it, and the costs to him well into his adult life.

Kenny was also one of the men profiled in a powerful four minute documentary on BBC3 Online titled "It's Tough Being A Man." In the short video below, thirteen men describe the pressures they faced to be silent in the face of trauma in their lives, and why for them, it's tough being a man in Britain today.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

I'm hoping you're beginning to understand the importance of helping young men like Joe to get an early start on developing an emotional vocabulary and the ability to be vulnerable enough to use it in the right places.

You might be happy to hear Joe has continued to attend the school support group. It has taken weeks for him to learn to trust the men and other guys. The stories others have shared helped him to know he’s not alone in what he’s facing. Over time, Joe has given us a peek into his world. Gradually we’ve learned about his absent parents, his need to be always on guard in his violent neighborhood, and the very real fear he carries for his safety and that of his little brother and sister. Joe has started to unpack himself, decompress a little, and in the process, developed some allies who understand and care.

If guys (of any age) can find their way to a safe, non-judgmental, and supportive group where emotional truth is shared, there is enormous normalizing and healing power available. When that happens, men and boys no longer have to be alone with their fears, traumas, or shame. As a bonus, they also find a place to celebrate their joys and successes. I'm pretty sure there's a group like that near you if you can find the courage to go looking.

And then, how about showing up for the Joes in your world so they don't have to wait until mid-life to unpack themselves and find good adult male allies? If you’d like to talk about how to start a group for young guys, send me a quick message. All it takes is the courage to take the next step in that direction, and you just might find yourself making a big difference in some male lives. You can be sure the young men are waiting for you to show up!

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Gifts for Men in Working with Boys

This is the time of year when the idea of gifts, in my opinion, gets overly commercialized and a little out of control. That said, there are lots of different kinds of gifts. I'm partial to the experiential gifts, the ones that engage you and maybe even change you in some way. Those are the kinds of gifts men get when they get connected to young guys.

The subtitle of my Man-Making book reads, "Men Helping Boys on Their Journey to Manhood." The initial, and obvious assumption, is always that it's men helping BOYS on their journey to manhood. That is true, and it's what the book is largely about. However, the subtitle could also read, "Men Helping Boys on THE MEN'S Journey to Manhood." The secret of the Man-Making book, and in man making work, is men who show up for young guys are always made much better men in the process. Now that's quite a gift.

. . . men who show up for young guys are always
made much better men in the process.

In the trainings we do to prepare men for working with young guys, one of many things we do is to create a safe place where they can go back into their history to remember some of the joys, confusion, and the pain of their adolescence. Some of what's shared is really fun. In addition, there are usually some difficult memories from that time in their lives. The gifts for men in this training are having the time, safety, support, and the intimacy with other men to talk about it all. Revisiting the old feelings, challenges, and the bruises one took as a teen is healing for the male soul. It's also the perfect preparation for sitting across a room or circle from a hurting young guy.

Then there's the reality of sitting in weekly groups with boys and young men. Once the young guys really trust you, the masks of teen male bravado slowly come off and real truth is spoken. Regularly witnessing young boy vulnerability, pain, courage, laughter, confusion, foolishness, naiveté, and raw truth, is a force that works on all the males in the circle. It bonds them together on the quest to be better than they were. This is true for all the males in the circle regardless of age. It's this water-on-stone, regular application of boy truth that softens a man's heart and give him the gifts of increased vulnerability, compassion, and caring.

It's this water-on-stone,
regular application of boy truth
that softens a man's heart. . .

In addition to all the gifts described above, in the Man-Making book there is a short list of other gifts for men in this work. They come in two varieties. First, there are the gifts of letting go of what's working against you being the best man you can be. Then there are all the gifts that naturally come from ongoing involvement with boys. Here is a short list of both:

The first set of gifts might be described as what men are relieved from experiencing. Men who work with young men typically feel less:

• shame of ignored responsibility.
• isolation across the generations.
• confusion about the job description for being a "man."
• detachment from the life of his community.
• lost on his journey to manhood.

The second set of gifts is about what men get. Men get:

• to see boys grow and become better young men.
• reconnect with youthful (teen) energy and spirit.
• to fill in some of their own boyhood “blanks” by supporting boys.
• to develop an increased trust in “masculinity” and other men.
• a connection to a positive male tribe.
• the satisfactions of directly giving back to their community.

All these gifts are just the beginning, there's many more. Sadly, this is just a two-dimensional description of experiential gifts that are much bigger, deeper, and wonderful. There is just no substitute for the real thing.

My wish for you is that you come get the gifts in man-making that are waiting for you. If you're at all interested, send me a message and let's talk about what might be possible. I can promise you it won't be hard, you ARE the man for this work, and the young men are waiting for you to show up.

Also, I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization. If you'd like to start a Man-Making initiative, large or small, I'd be happy to help.

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What Men Really Want!

If you create an anonymous way for men from around the world to speak their personal truth about what they really want, for themselves and the world, you wind up with a deep look into the masculine heart. That's what the hashtag #malewishlist has become.

. . . a deep look into the masculine heart.

The short story is a few good men decided to use the Twitter platform in February 2012 to reach out to men using the hashtag #malewishlist. I was so impressed with what came pouring in, I did a Man-Making Blog post on some of the contributions. It was a very moving list. You can read about those men and the #malewishlist original story at this link on the Man-Making Blog.

Since 2012, the #malewishlist has continued to accumulate tweets. In this season of commercialism, with what I think is a pretty shameful lust for gifting people with material things, I thought it might be nice to revisit the notion of what men want as a way to bring a different perspective to the holidays. I guess this is my holiday letter to you and yours, holding up a vision for a world we all might co-create.

. . . a vision for a world
we all might co-create.

The list is just below. If you're a man, it should straighten your spine a little and have "oh yeahs!" going off in your head. I felt a little sad, too, because of the long way we have to go to get to the world these men have envisioned. Selfishly however, I love that it's so long and that so many men are speaking out.

If you want your voice heard and have additions to the male wish list, you can post them to the Twitter hashtag #malewishlist, add them to the comments section of this post (online), or send it along to me and I'll add it to the comments for you.

Thanks for the gift of your support, all year!

Earl Hipp

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The Male Wish List

• For every boy and man to have at least one person to whom he can reveal himself fully without fear of rejection.


• For all dads to feel empowered to care for and connect with their children and feel supported in their efforts to do so.


• To always use the "privileges" given to me by patriarchy to advance a just society.


• For men to be able to speak up about any personal pain and be met with something other than harsh judgement for "failing at manhood."


• Not to be seen as a potential abuser (pedophile) because I'm a man, but someone who is safe for young people to be with.


• To live in a world in which tenderness, compassion, and sensitivity are no longer regarded as primarily feminine qualities.


• To experiencing joy and happiness without external cause.


• That more men would learn to talk openly about sex with their partners rather than resorting to lazy substitutes.


• To live in a world in which greed, avarice, venal stupidity, and amoral self-interest are punished rather than rewarded.


• To love myself enough to allow myself to fail and make mistakes.


• To know our real strengths as men and not be afraid to use them.


• To not feel like I’m a rapist every time a woman walks the same route as me after 9pm.


• To live in the world imagined by John Lennon.


• Not to be regarded as culpable or responsible for bad acts committed by other men or groups of men, now or in the past.


• For more men to realize their parental love means so much to their kids, despite what anti-dad types say.


• To be accepted for who I am rather than how well I fit into the cultural box.


• For more men to realize that working themselves to death is not the best way to meet the real needs of their families.


• That men not have their value judged by the size of their libido or their pay check.


• That every man would have at least one compassionate witness to his pain and confusion, someone he knows he can always count on.


• For fathers to be emotionally healthy, present and available.


• To know and trust that I can be strong and powerful without hurting others.


• To see the collective of men as "the brotherhood," not "the competition."


• For men, women, peers, and culture to STOP telling boys that 'BIG boys don't cry.' It is a lie - we DO cry and need to cry.

• To be able to cry without shame or fear when feeling sadness, grief, disappointment, weakness, or loss come up.

• To remember that failure and rejection do not reduce or diminish me as a man, but are pathways into my own strength and wisdom.


• That men would increase their empathy for self and others.

• To celebrate the fact that I am a man and be proud of my masculinity.


• That men would be able to gently hold other men and be held by them.


• To feel safe being emotionally vulnerable around other people, to feel loved, connected, and accepted for who I truly am.


• To touch without fear, to feel without despair, to dream without nightmares


• To hold onto my courage as I allow love into my life.


• To have friends who say 'get up' when I feel like giving up on something which is important to me


• That men would begin to realize they need to evolve, to change, and to take responsibility for feelings, behavior, and talk.


• I want sanity and peace of mind. My head feels like a blender that's stuck in the on position.


• That men would listen to their bodies rather than build their bodies and embrace softness rather than rigidity.

• I wish all men would be softer with each other. The English male stiff upper lip is a heavy burden.


• Validation of my belief that many men are eager to open up and will share what is in their hearts.


• That fewer boys will have to wander alone, unsupported, in the never-never land between boyhood and manhood.


• To lead the kinds of lives that will make young boys feel eager to grow up and join our ranks.


• To meet a woman with whom I can share my self-awareness, and enjoy intimacy, both spiritual and physical, without fear.


• That we as men re-learn how to take our boys out and initiate them into the brotherhood of man - and into a sense of their own maleness.


• To have an honest conversation with anyone in my family, without fear of repercussions, about my life, who I am, and what I feel.


• To live in a society that considers grieving as a healthy part of a man's life.


• I wish for the end of violence against women worldwide - I wish for the end of corporate backed war.


• That no boy will ever be as lost, as damaged, and as alone as I was at age 14.


• To be unapologetically ourselves as men.


• To be able to enjoy watching kids play in the park without being seen as threat or weirdo.


• To feel that my sensitivity is an asset rather than a weakness to be feared and hidden from others.


• For men to reward/encourage sensitivity, empathy when they see it in other men.


• To know I am seen, valued, and appreciated as a man not only for what I do, but for who I am.


• More men to help lead the way by their force of caring, personality and manhood.


• To love myself enough to feel tired and then rest instead of violating my boundaries for the sake of work, work, work.


• To feel the same openness and acceptance from my gay community that I have from the straight guys I've done men's work with.


• A movement of men that work together and support each other for the greater good.


• To be accepted as the men we are, imperfect human beings, with our unique strengths and weaknesses.


• To be able to hear men speak from their deep inner self, I want to know all men better.


• To wake up in the morning and feel blessed for being born the way I am.


• For more progressive males who have no problem challenging sexism.


• For more discourse on domestic abuse of men.


• To have open, honest, meaningful interactions with other men on a regular basis without having to pay for a weekly men's group.


• To not be left out of business 'rapport' building because you do not play golf.


• To feel afraid and incapable, and be comforted.


• To not be pigeon-holed as only interested in sex and beer.


• Not to be assigned the role of dragon slayer because of my gender.


• To connect more openly with other men and to allow their support into my life; to create more community with like-minded men.


• To live in a world where power is just another word for love in action.


• For good men to start showing up for young males. I'm tired of hearing about the creepy ones!

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Boy's Rites of Passage and Growing Male Hearts

In early November, myself and 29 other older males from the Desert Men's Council again conducted a Rite of Passage Adventure Weekend. It was held in the desert wilderness, two hours from Tucson, Arizona. There, twelve young males went through a passage experience built on an ancient initiatory template.

The initiates arrive full of teen bravado, and are always surprised to encounter high drama, trials, some physical discomfort, big questions about becoming a man, and a group of men who take their approaching manhood seriously. The graduates of the program are called Journeymen, or J-Men, young males intentionally launched on their journey toward manhood. From the weekend graduation on, they enjoy the continued support of a multi-generational tribe of brothers. It's always a very powerful experience for all the males involved.

What makes these passage weekends different from your standard adventure outing is, in addition to the mix of deprivations and physical challenges, there are many opportunities for the young initiates to hear adult men speaking honestly and openly about the difficult parts of their lives. It's strange enough for most of our initiates to be surrounded by older guys who are clearly there to support them. Add to that, seeing these men be vulnerable, open, and telling the truth about life is clearly something unusual. As trust grows over the weekend, this degree of presence, personal honesty, and emotional vulnerability by the men forms a strong bond, unique in the lives of many of the boys . . . and many of the staff men.

In those moments, when the initiates "speak their truth,"
there are often tears. Boy's tears and Men's tears.

By creating what we call a "safe container," with commitments to honesty, directness, and confidentiality (aside from mandatory reporting requirements), the initiates have a place where the hard parts of their lives can also be spoken. The parts in the way, of them becoming the man they want to be, can be revealed and witnessed. In those moments when the initiates "speak their truth," there are often tears. Men's tears and boy tears. Hearts are touched, compassion expressed, and suffering reduced because it's shared. The young men find they are no longer alone with difficult challenges in their lives, and while there are no easy answers, there is hope and comfort in having allies.

Intimacy and Emotional Vocabulary: A big part of what we are doing in this work is helping all the males on the weekend to grow their capacity for compassion and empathy, while helping them to develop an expanded emotional vocabulary. This is really life-saving/life-giving work in so many ways.

In a November, 2012 New York Times article by David Brooks, titled, The Heart Grows Smarter, he describes a research project begun in 1938. Known as the Grant Study, its goal was to track a group of 268 students from Harvard University, and determine what aspects of their lives contributed to success in life and their physical and emotional health.

In 1966, George Vaillant took over the research, and published his conclusions in his book Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study. Very simply stated, Vaillant discovered that it was NOT body type, birth order, or even social class that predicted success, happiness, or vitality in men’s lives. To quote him, “It was the capacity for intimate relationships that predicted flourishing in all aspects of these men’s lives.” "Flourishing," also includes living a long time. Of the 31 men in Vaillant’s study, those incapable of establishing intimate bonds, only four were still alive when his book was published. Of those who were better at forming relationships, more than a third were living.

In his Times article, David Brooks describes some of the Grant Study men. He points out how, for different reasons, these men became more emotionally attuned as they aged, more adept at recognizing and expressing emotion. Imagine, increased longevity, relationship satisfactions, health, and success in life, all coming out of a male's increased emotional capacity. Now imagine having the opportunity to begin to grow your emotional vocabulary and increase your capacity for intimacy as a teenager! That’s one of the reasons the work we do on these Rite of Passage Weekends is so important for these young guys. It also doesn't hurt that we squeeze a bit on our own older male hearts.

If you want to know more about Rite of Passage weekends, or group activities for men and boys, give me a shout. You’ll learn how men helping boys on their Journey to Manhood, is life-giving for all the males involved.

For a great review of Vaillant's Triumphs of Experience book, read this article in The Daily Beast.

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