Teens – No Driver’s License and No Car! Maybe Ever!

Getting my driver’s license was one of my early teenage rites of passage. I couldn't wait for so many reasons and it was a big day when it finally happened. As is natural in most passage experiences, there were real trials on the path to getting my license. First, I had to study the arcane details that make up the “rules of the road” to get my permit. And then came the many tests of my ability such as staying in a lane, observing pedestrians, making full stops, obeying the speed limit, and the dreaded parallel parking. But it was all worth it to get the license and become a legal driver.

For me, it was not just that I could be in charge of 2000 pounds of steel and fly down the road, but much more. Driving meant escape from the pressure cooker of our small family house and all its tensions. It meant I had status among my non-driving pals and could easily pull them together for common adventures. I could often drive to school, rising above the demeaning wait and riding on the school bus. It meant I had a new and private space for hanging out with girls and that new world of emerging sexuality. Very simply stated, a driver’s license made my world much bigger geographically and opened countless doors of discovery.

...it was a golden chariot to me.

I quickly grew attached to all the excitement and possibilities of having access to a car, and it wasn’t long before I wanted my own. My first car was a beat up, black, 57 Volkswagen. The seats were badly worn, it often smelled like gas, the windshield wipers were hardly functional, it had dings and rust on the body, and it barely had enough heat in the winter to keep the windows defrosted much less provide any comfort. But it was a golden chariot to me. That’s why I was surprised to learn that for many young people, getting a driver’s license today, much less a car is NOT the exciting rite of passage it was for me.

. . . getting a driver’s license today is NOT
the exciting rite of passage it was for me.

In 2019, StudentMoveTO, a research partnership of ten colleges and universities in Canada, surveyed 18,500 students at ten post-secondary institutions across the Toronto and Hamilton area. They discovered More than twenty-two per cent of survey respondents said they didn’t have a driver’s license. The group’s research also found that sixty-five per cent of students who did have a driver’s license didn’t own a car, and of those, just fifteen per cent indicated they would buy a car in the future. So much for golden chariots!

Some of the reasons given for avoiding car ownership and driving included good access to public transit services (83 per cent), all the costs associated with driving and owning a car (66 per cent), and the negative impacts of driving on the environment (50 per cent).

When you realize that with a few taps on your smartphone you can call up Uber and Lyft and quickly go where every you like without paying car insurance, parking, maintenance, and car repairs, it does make sense. Not to mention the availability of electric scooters and bikes appearing everywhere in major cities.

You can read more about this topic in a recent article in the Toronto Star or on the website of StudentMoveTO.

I do get the world is changing, and less driving for all of us is really a good thing. But sitting here in this moment, I do miss my golden chariot, and all the trials and joys that came with it.

Do you remember your first "golden chariot?

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A Young Man's Rite of Passage in the Bush

Locking away his cell phone in a wooden box was the first challenge 17-year-old PJ had to face on his 5-day Rites of Passage (ROP) experience. He and his father got to the wilderness camp after a 10-hour drive from Canberra, the capital city of Australia. Like so many of these encounters, the wild and remote bush setting added to the power and gravity of the passage event.

From my experience, once a Rites of Passage event is launched, all the males present, but especially the young guys, naturally drop into the seriousness of the occasion. Everyone gets that something important is happening and they soon find their right place in the ancient drama. It was no different for the thirty other fathers and sons (or male mentors - uncles, stepdads, or family friends of a young man), who attended the camp with PJ and Peter. The group was made up of guys who came from across Australia to be present to honor a group of young males transitioning into manhood.

Clearly you can’t make men out of boys in five days.

Clearly you can’t make men out of boys in five days. What you can do is: 

• Let them know that you see and welcome their emerging manhood. 
• You can encourage the young men to take the changes going on in them seriously and invite them to consider some of the responsibilities waiting for them. 
• You can challenge the young guys with activities which contain "think about it" lessons about becoming a man. 
• You and the other men can share stories about your adolescent years, and what you've learned along the way. 
• Finally, you and the other men can witness and honor the gifts and talents you see in the young males.

For young men, being witnessed in those ways, by thirty or so adult men, is a compelling and transformational experience. It is also powerful and transformational for the adult men witnessing the young males.

You can read more about PJ and Peter's Rites of Passage camp experience in a recent Canberra City News article. The article discusses some of the camp activities, the kinds of topics covered in conversations, and the role of rituals in the process. If you want to learn more about Peter's experience you can email him at peter.lennon@mhf.org.au You can also visit the Reconxted Facebook page to learn more about this group's approach to Rites of Passage.

On the Man-Making Blog you can read more about various kinds of Rites of Passage experiences diverse groups have taken to support their adolescent boys during this important transition time. Note: These examples are taken from twenty years of posts and not all links and videos are still available.

If you're inspired to do something similar, even if it's on a much smaller scale, feel free to contact me. 

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A Revealing Book on Becoming a Man

"It was time. 

It was time to become a man, my father said."

Bill Amatneek, an experienced author and editor, has given the world a beautiful gift. His book, Heart of a Man: Men’s Stories for Women, gives all of us an intimate look under the hood of man’s world.

The subtitle of the book, Men’s Stories for Women, suggests it’s about women finally getting to see men as their vulnerable and most emotionally honest selves, a glimpse they often don’t get. The book delivers on that promise, but it’s also very much a book for men.

In a soft chronological order, thirty-nine writers reach deep into their male souls, and share true and intimate stories about many of the developmental experiences of a man’s life.

“We’ll see if you’re a man today, Donnie.”

Early on we hear the story of a six-year-old boy being prematurely forced by his father to “become a man” by killing baby squirrels with his first use of a shotgun. From there the stories take us past many of the challenging experiences in a man's life such as the discovery of girls and first love in adolescence, encountering competitive sports and teams, creating brotherhood and connections to men friends, love and marriage, parenting, and even a man’s experience of war. If you’re looking for a guidebook on manhood, Heart of a Man is a good place to start.

In a way, the book is about all men and their quest for that illusive collection of knowledge, experiences, and feelings that define fully realized manhood. Amatneek says he hopes his book will, “bring men and women closer.” I hope it does, but just as worthy a goal is that all male readers will find themselves somewhere in the book’s stories. Like sitting in a good men’s support group, reading Heart of a Man will help men to feel less alone with the joys and pain of their journey toward manhood.

You can read many stories on the book’s website (highly recommended). While there, you can also order the book, send the author a note, or even share a piece of your life story for future editions.

Heart of a Man: Men’s Stories for Women 

Edited by Bill Amatneek and published by Vineyards Press in 2021 

heartofaman.net 

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The Other Men

In training men to be mentors, we often ask, "Who were the men, other than your father, who had impact on your life as a young man? While a loving and engaged father is the most powerful man-making force on the planet, even that good dad can't give his son everything his son needs as he moves towards manhood. Then there are all those young men who don't have that engaged, available father, or any father at all in their lives. In those cases, the "other men" become critically important, sometimes lifesaving.

When the stories about other men are told, we often hear rich stories of good men who stepped up, sometimes for literal moments, hours, or as lifetime allies. Men who were neighbors, coaches, relatives, from their faith community, show up and without too much effort, make important differences in a life. Sometimes there are tears in the telling of the stories.

We invite the men to remember these guys in their lives because they too as intentional mentors are stepping into that "other man" role. Because men new to mentoring are always a little unsure, we like to remind them that the other men who showed up for them didn't have any mentor training. We remind them that who they are, right now is sufficient. That they in fact are already in the man-making business because whether they are intentional or not, they are being watched by the adolescent males in their world . . . they are, for better and worse, the book on manhood for the young men around them. It has been that way for thousands of years, and still today, boys and men are hardwired for this way of being together.

What follows is a story from a dear Tucson friend of mine, Lee. In his story about the other men, he describes exactly how these forms of natural mentoring work:

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There were men in my father’s circle who taught me much just by being who they were:

Sid B., with posture as straight as his words, looked as if he had taken some punches but had won most of his fights. He always took the time to acknowledge me, a kid, as someone real.

Joe L., who stood by my dad when my mother died. He had lost his daughter in a horrible manner, so knew the pain of loss. He was comfortable showing concern in loyal silence. Even the lines in his face knew the value of presence.

But most of all there was Pat M. Learning his practical, slow approach to problem solving served me well in life. He even drove slowly. Okay, the speed limit, but that made me restless back then. Yet, he was quick to tell a story, to buy or accept a beer, preferably Old Style.

I remember Pat's big Irish alcohol-reddened nose, his sparkling leprechaun eyes, and his quiet deliberate movements. His long and heavy head, at least two sizes too large for his body — was always tilted one way or the other, always ready to smile, or walk away.

He was a tile setter for my father’s company, Acorn Tile. He was a craftsman from an earlier age, an era that was disappearing even as I was first being exposed to it. Post World War II expansion and development demanded fast repetitive work, not craft. At some point, Pat began to drive the company truck, delivering and picking up supplies, and keeping an eye on the jobs in progress. I often rode with him. He took the back roads, not the interstates, his right hand on the stick shift, left foot riding the clutch, smoking Parliaments. It wasn’t my place to say anything. 

On one trip, he unexpectedly stopped the truck
and said, “You drive.”

He wore flannel shirts, carried a dull iron green lunchbox and thermos, was comfortable on bar stools or on an overturned bucket talking about hunting, fishing, ballgames, and cooking with onions. He had seven daughters. I might have been like a son to him. On one trip, he unexpectedly stopped the truck and said, “You drive.” I was sixteen with a license but had never driven a manual transmission nor a truck. There was no place for no. I eventually managed to get it in gear and moving while Pat drank his coffee unconcerned. He would only give me a look if my jerky shifting caused him to spill. He didn’t just let me drive just because I was the boss’s son, he just decided to give me a taste of responsibility. He also showed me how to think about work before doing it and taught me that conversation was the real centerpiece of each day. He didn’t trust a man who complained too much or drank too little.

Pat never forgot the things I did, right or wrong. An elevator breaking down on a job site because I had overloaded it. The broken window on the truck that I resisted revealing the truth about for years. Me bringing the wrong materials for a job. He always seemed to know what I was struggling with and what my accomplishments were. He even told stories about me, bringing me into a world of men I would not have known otherwise.

Over many years, I watched Pat gradually get older, less able, and saw the effects of too much drinking on him. Eventually I left the business and headed to Tucson. Before Pat died, I wrote him a letter of appreciation thanking him for all the gifts he'd given me. I'm told he carried that letter with him and one day he read to my father. I remember the day my dad called to tell me about Pat's passing. He told me about how much my letter had meant to Pat and we both got a little teary talking about the important role he had played in both our lives.

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So, who were the "other men" in your life? 

If you could speak to one of those men today,
what would you say? 

How can you honor the impact these "other men" 

had on the man you are today?

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An UN-Father's Day Message

Fathers, for better and worse, are THE most powerful man-making force on the planet. In this dad season, good fathers are my heroes, and certainly deserve high praise and celebration. That said, here's another way to think about Father's day.

. . . that stew pot of memories
called "Dad" . . .

As the commercial messages about Father's Day bring fathers and fatherhood into sharp focus, for me that stew pot of memories called "Dad," with its very mixed bag of confusing emotions, gets seriously stirred up. From my childhood through adolescence, my dad was lost in his marriage, was sick, and in the throes of alcoholism. While there were some gifts from him, too often he treated me horribly and I've been finding my way back ever since. Even though I know my father was the best dad he was able to be, I'm left feeling the complicated remnants of rage, love, sadness, hopelessness, and a kind of father-hunger driven emptiness at my core.

After years of self-discovery work and digging around in my family history, I've been able to find some true expressions of my dad's fatherly love. Like water in the desert, I treasure those few positive memories. Taken together, they form a small shield I can use to protect myself on Father's Day. At this point in my life, I'm exhausted by both talking and not talking about my dad issues. But when the third Sunday of June approaches each year, for me it's an Un-Father's Day. I find myself looking forward to the relief on the day after Father's Day when it all goes underground again.

In this dad season, I'm also very much reminded of the many men, adolescent males, and young boys I've come across in my man-making work who don't have any good dad memories at all to use as a defense on Father's Day. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I think of all the really bad dad stories shared across a circle by sobbing guys.

I'm just saying,
I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I have heard from countless men, young men, and boys who have never known a dad because he simply wasn't identifiable, because they were adopted at birth, or because of a court ordered separation from their fathers. There are all the dads who left during pregnancy, or the dads who were shot in the hood from gang violence. Then there are all the kids whose dads are in jail, or lost to PTSD or substance abuse. I remember a soft-spoken boy of ten whose initiation name was Steel Heart. He was in the room when his dad killed himself with a shotgun blast to the head. I'm just saying, I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I always wonder if just the idea of Father's Day results in re-wounding these fatherless males. I wonder if the day stirs up their deep, confusing, profound, and very well-defended sense of abandonment and father-loss. For them and me, again this year, it will be very much an Un-Father's Day.

So on this Father's Day, if you have the good fortune to have a good dad to honor, count yourself as lucky, and don't miss a chance to say thank you. However imperfectly he fathered you, he was there and doing the best he could do. He deserves to be thanked and celebrated. Thanks Dad, I love you.

After honoring your father, please take a moment to allow into your heart all those tragically abandoned or under-fathered young guys in the world around you. The boys, young men, and men who won't feel those good-dad feelings on Father's Day. Remember that on Father's Day, and every other day of the year, these guys will experience a profound hunger for the blessings that can only come from having a caring father in your life. Remember all the boys and men who, maybe like me, are just hoping all this complicated emotional dad business will pass by soon, go back underground, and that life somehow will get back to a survivable normal on the day after Un-Father's Day.

. . . I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

On my Un-Father's Day card I'd write:

Today I honor good dads everywhere. Thanks you for all you have done and will do. Blessings also on the dads who in some way checked-out, who walked or were not available to their sons, and on the sad legacy they have to live with as a result. And especially, blessings on confused, sad, and dad-hungry males everywhere. Buried underneath all the drama and tragedy that kept you and your father apart, in my heart I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

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A Mom Wants Heroes for Her Son

I got a challenging message from the mom of a ten-year-old boy named Aaron. Melody K. wrote, I find it hard to raise a boy to be a man and male mentors are not easy to find. There seem to be lots of resources to help women and girls but not much for boys and men. Even our local Boy Scout groups have more moms than dads involved. My son needs to have good male mentors and some positive male heroes he can look up to. Can you profile some of these men?

Some of our military men are really heroes and would be great role models. Another good example was Quannah Parker, the last war leader of the free Comanche. He had a very difficult life on the plains and was focused on helping his people withstand the challenges to their way of life. He was also a brave warrior.

I'd like to read about lots of positive male role models, all with their own unique strengths. Their stories would be so encouraging to boys like my son who are looking for guidance and thinking about what kind of man they are going to become.

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Here's part of my response to Melody: First of all, I believe ALL men are role models for boys because as young males approach adolescence they start watching and emulating the men around them. Like it or not, while they may not yet be heroes, all men are in the business of mentoring boys, whether they know it or not.

. . . all men are in the business of mentoring boys
whether they know it or not.

As I look back on my life the real hero for me was the man who lived next door. Mark Moore was the father of two girls and I know he liked having a young guy around. He knew about the alcoholic messes that happened in my house and, without saying much, he took me under his protective wing.

I can still remember the winter day Mark showed me his tackle box, a thing of mystery and things masculine for sure. I spent many days that winter waiting for late spring and the day Mark and I headed out to go fishing, with all the adventure, things to learn, and the beauty of nature. I learned to put a hook on the line, add the bait, and then how to be patient while waiting for your dreams to come true. Sometimes we even caught fish and I had to learn about life and death. Mark also invited me into his garage woodshop where I learned about tools, planning, building things, and starting over when necessary.

I wrote a blog post about Mark Moore in 2010, when I learned about his death, because, while I didn't realize it at the time, he taught me so much about being a man without even trying. He was and is my hero.

. . . he taught me so much about being a man
without even trying.

For better and worse, there are always men in the media for boys to watch. Way back when I was a kid, I had superheroes. I’m old enough to remember the early ones like Lone Ranger, Sky King, Superman, and Batman. While those shows were much less graphic, sexy, and violent than today's versions, my heroes were always strong, clean, and capable. They were constantly busy nabbing bad guys and doing the right thing for the people they served. They didn’t swear, always stood for positive values, and were always humble about their good work. Life was so innocent back then!

When training men to work with young guys, I like to ask them about their heroes. The hero question is actually number 7 on my list of Questions for Men which you can find on the Man-Making website. The question is: As an adolescent boy, who was one of your male heroes from film, music, sports, or television? What did that man teach you about manhood? Was there another man who was less visible and maybe less famous who stood out for you? What did you learn about being a man from him?

. . . who are your male heroes today?

So dear reader, let's help Melody and her son Aaron out. Do you have your own stories about men, or a special man, who has inspired you? Who were your heroes growing up and who are your male heroes today? What good men, real heroes, or positive role models have you come across in your life, film, TV, or in books? Send a paragraph along to me and I'll publish them (anonymously if you like) on this blog. I'll also add them to the Men's Stories collection evolving on the Man-Making website.

For the record, if you're a man and reading this post, you are my hero! It's because you wouldn't be here reading this unless you've heard the call to Man-Making, however faint. Reading these posts IS a step toward increasing your young male literacy, moving you closer to action in support of a young guy . . . and maybe becoming some young guy's hero!

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