How to Hold Discussion Groups With Kids

If you're a fan of this blog, you know how dedicated I am to having adult men sitting in conversation circles with young guys. I've been at it for almost 20 years and I believe it is one of the most boy-civilizing, healing, emotionally rich, and joyful things a man can do. "Getting real" as the boys describe it, today is called building their Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) capacity. By any name being in conversation with young men is an extraordinarily positive thing for all the males involved.

As a helpful tool for people interested in working with young people in this way, Jean Sunde Peterson's new edition of her book, How (and Why) to Get Students Talking, is a rich resource. She teaches readers how to conduct "guided conversations." She prepares facilitators for the activity with introductory training and needed background materials. If you're wondering what you'll be talking about, she also provides 78 templates for discussion on a wide range of important topics.

Here's my take on just some of Peterson's list of the Social and Emotional learning that comes from discussions in groups of kids and (trained) adults:

• Recognizing the importance of listening 
• Recognizing the importance of both verbal and nonverbal skills in conversation 
• Being able to “grab the moment” to compliment someone 
• Being able to express compassion and appreciation 
• Recognizing when it is wise to ask for help 
• Avoiding assumptions about the thoughts (of others) 
• Recognizing that everyone is constantly developing—and probably struggling with something 
• Understanding that teens who seem confident may not feel self-assured 
• Recognizing that everyone feels stressed, angry, worried, sad, and socially inept at times

You can use this link to order a copy of How (and Why) to Get Students Talking, and if you're interested in or have questions about circles with young guys, give me a shout.

Trust me, the boys are waiting.

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Puberty Boy - by Geoff Price

Geoff Price is an author and therapist based in Sydney, Australia. He also happens to be a friend of mine and ally of man-makers everywhere. Just one of his solid publications is a book called Puberty Boy. It’s been called ‘rite of passage’ manual for adolescent males. It’s a book designed to help boys, going through a very complicated (and sometimes embarrassing) time in their lives, understand what’s going on and feel good about themselves and their masculinity in the process. It’s a much needed guide for boys, helping with all the questions surrounding the transition from being a boy to becoming a young man.

Geoff is described as a man who, for the last two decades, has been working to improve the health and well-being of men and boys. Because he is a very boy-literate guide, the book is written in boy-friendly language, with lots of helpful stories. It offers much needed and accurate anatomical information and illustrations, and covers not only physical changes, but new research on brain development at puberty every boy undergoes. One of my favorite charts in the book describes the changes in a young male’s body as he is propelled by his internal chemistry.

You can learn more about Puberty Boy at Geoff’s website. If you’re in or near Australia, you can order the book directly from Geoff. For US readers, the book is available at Amazon.com.

While you’re visiting Geoff’s website, check out his newest book, “What They Don’t Teach Men About Themselves.” You can quickly download the e-book and immediately begin increasing your male literacy.

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Retribing:The Unpaved Road to Manhood

In response to my request about good books for young guys, Dave Welling, a friend and solid man-maker (connected with Boys to Men - Toronto), sent along this review of the book, Retribing: The Unpaved Road to Manhood. If you have a book you like for tweens or teens, please let me know. I'll add it to the list of recommended books on the Man-Making website.

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Earl, I would highly recommend the book Retribing: The Unpaved Road to Manhood by A.J. Rippo. It’s a very compelling story about one boy’s experience of moving toward manhood. The boy at the center of the story is about seven years old at the start. Initially his name is not mentioned, but he acquires the name Twerp as the story unfolds. One day after his parent's divorce, the boy is out hiking in the hills when he discovers an old Indian ruin. He takes the opportunity of the isolation to shout his anger and sadness to the wind. A moment later an old native war chief appears to him and begins the process of guiding the boy on his path toward manhood.

Twerp's process involves earning 12 eagle feathers in various challenges designed to strengthen him and increase his knowledge. It's the chief who gives the boy the name Twerp, and guides his training through tasks and stories. For example, a story about ice cream results in, Thoughts are like food, they either nourish you or poison you. Swallow only good food. Spit out the bad.... disappointment is no reason to eat poison. Throughout the book, as Twerp grows up from age 7 to seventeen, he revisits the ruin when he feels a need in his life. Each time, the war chief appears with a lesson based on what the boy is struggling with at the time.

The idea of earning your way to manhood is a very old concept, and achieving twelve eagle feathers is a story line that will keep the attention of most young boys. For example, Twerp's first feather is the "Feather of Perspective." This feather is earned when he realizes there is a world beyond himself. The old war chief helps him understand what "Perspective" means, then Twerp is instructed to go live that lesson until he can prove, on his next visit to the chief, that he has truly mastered the concept. Each feather is presented at a special place among the ruins in a ritual between the boy and the chief. Other feathers are earned in different ways. There is the "Feather of Balance", the "Feather of Faith", and the "Feather of Discipline," to name a few. But then I don’t want to give away too much of the story.

I like the idea how the boy learns he must re-tribe himself. He is instructed by the war chief to create a new tribe for himself because his own tribe is broken. He learns there are many times in life when a boy needs the wisdom and support of a male elder. The boy also learns there is no one elder who can teach you everything you need. To accomplish the challenge of finding these wise men, the war chief teaches the boy how to expand his tribe and to find the guides he will need for his journey.

I also really liked the underlying lesson that the war chief himself learns. It turns out that the chief is rewarded with HIS 13th feather for shepherding Twerp, thus both males complete a stage on their respective paths toward manhood.

The book unfolds a tale any boy can understand (and it will resonate with many men too!). It’s a book that celebrates what one boy’s journey toward manhood represents for the boy, his initiators, and his tribe.

Order Retribing: The Unpaved Road to Manhood from Amazon at this link.

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The Good Men Project Magazine - On Dads

The Good Men Project is a book, a movie, and a collection of web resources that are all supporting a national discussion about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. To that incredible mix they have added The Good Men Project Magazine. It’s a cross-platform, multi-media destination featuring solid writing about parenting, sex, relationships, identity, ethics, humor, and health. On the site currently is an excerpt from John Badalament’s new book, The Modern Dad's Dilemma. In that rich article Badalament has included a couple of what he calls, How to Be a Good Dad Exercises from his book. Challenging inventories for any father.

The special Good Men Project Magazine's Father's Day issue will go live on June 16th and it’s packed with man-making content. You will be able to read an article describing how a father and son learn to reconnect after the father’s mistaken 26 year prison sentence. There are excerpts from Will Leitch’s new book, Are We Winning? Fathers, Sons, and the Great Game in the New Century, and Good Men Project founder Tom Matlack asks famous men—from athletes to writers—to describe their fathers in two words. In an attempt to answer the question, What do fathers look like?, you will see an amazing collection of 100 photos of fathers — one per year from the last century. And that is all just for starters.

I am amazed at what the good folks at The Good Men Project have created and more than a little in awe of the positive force they are in defining manhood in today’s world.

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A Feather, a Pipe and a Kicking Broom

A Feather, a Pipe and a Kicking Broom, by Michelle Arbaugh is, in my opinion, a perfect boy adventure book that will easily keep the attention of today’s young males. It offers a compelling adventure story based in Native American experience of the 1800s. With historically accurate details, the book explores many of the traditions and sacred values of tribal life in the days of open plains and bison herds. In the story are rich descriptions of rite of passage challenges and the training Native American boys were required to undergo in order to become warriors.

The book has a ten-year-old main character, some great humor, and it touches on the life events common to boys of that age. The book launches with our hero trying to cope with the loss of his best friend Zella and rolls right into a bullying incident. As the drama of the story unfolds, the author subtly delivers’ important life lessons about very contemporary issues such as discrimination, fitting in, personal insecurities, loss of friends, and the need to discover and honor your gifts and talents.

The book’s easy-to-read story is packed with humor, building mystery and excitement, and it’s all done in comfortable language for any young man. I especially love how the book avoids mention of TV, computers, combat, or any of the digital distractions that can so fill a young man’s life. This is a book that fully engages a boy’s imagination, and that is a very good thing.

If you want a great book to read in segments to a pack of boys, or for occupying some of a young man's summer hours, A Feather, a Pipe and a Kicking Broom would be a very good choice.

You can order this book directly from Amazon at this link.

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Amazing Tales for Making Men Out of Boys

Charley M., a subscriber, sent along this lead for a book that sounds pretty on track for aspiring makers of men. The title is Amazing Tales for Making Men Out of Boys by Neil Oliver.

The promotional copy promises the book is filled with stories of heroism, exploration, and sacrifice that will inspire boys to be courageous, honorable and open to adventure. Sounds like a good idea and a noble gesture in a world where so many young males are looking for a vision of manhood worth clinging to.

The promotional clip (below) however makes me a little nervous, because it’s full of testosterone and challenging messages for my current sensibilities. It seems glorify being an “old fashioned manly man,” and holds up yesterdays “real men.”

I have to admit, do rather like the way he suggests that old vision of manhood has been “ridiculed, eroded, and discouraged.” There does seem to be a loss in there somewhere that rings true with my own masculine quest. There is even something I like in his call to bring back something “wild” and noble in men. And I really like the notion of hearing stories that remind us what “men are for” and “what men can do.”

As a boy, I do remember sitting around the men’s table at family reunions and on holidays, listening to the men tell stories about the old days, “the war,” challenges they faced, and sometimes, the losses they experienced. Unless the young guys in your life have a male tribe that lets them sit around the edges and listen, maybe a book like this can help fill that hunger.

If Amazing Tales is filled with the “heroic tales” about good and noble men as he promises, those that “demonstrate the qualities you’d want in your heroes,” and there is not too much preaching, I might even buy the book. If you have read this book, please post a short review.

It just might be a book a lot of males should read!

Use this link if the clip doesn't show.

The Secret Lives of Boys

Earl W., a blog subscriber in Tucson, came across a book review in the New York Times for: The Secret Lives of Boys: Inside the Raw Emotional World of Male Teens. The Times reviewer, Lori Gottlieb, said the book was, ". . . raw, emotional, funny, and astute." I found another review by Rachel Saslow at The Washington Post where she said, "The book ends up feeling more like a sociology lecture than the inside look at a 'raw, emotional world' that it promises to be." Contradictory opinions, but there you have life around teenage boys.

Malina Saval, the author of the book, profiles 10 young men. She lets each young male tell his own story. By the way of proof that there is no such thing as a normal adolescent male, these 10 young guys run the full spectrum of the boy universe. The boy's lives reflect mental health issues, amazingly dysfunctional family histories, drug abuse, too young parents . . . and much more. According to the author,all this diverse group of lads had in common was a desire for a true connection. Someone they could have a real conversation with about their painfully challenging lives.

As anyone working with adolescent males knows, they initially don't come across as verbal or self-aware. What you also learn about boys, given enough time and trust, is that most boys will, and in fact are hungry to open up. When that happens their stories are indeed raw, mostly truthful, smell a little of testosterone and bravado, and are very often profoundly emotional.

However imperfectly the book is written, the boy stories do indeed offer a peak into the rich and challenging lives of young males everywhere. In truth, the boys Saval profiles are not so different from the boys in the world around you. If you're thinking about getting involved in Man-Making work at any level, you may want to get this book.

I you have read this book, please share your thoughs with us via an email to me or by commenting on this post.

Reading - FRED - and Man-Making

Here is a great Man-Making program suggestion from Lowell Johnson, a Minnesota subscriber.

Earl, I think you and your readers might be interested to know about the FRED program here in the Brainerd Lakes Area of Minnesota. Fathers Reading Every Day (FRED) is a national program which encourages men to connect with young children by reading to them regularly. We are in the third year of programming and will have almost 2000 participants at 11 different sites by our June 30 year's end. We have expanded the standard FRED format to include an option called Run and Read where we play a lot of active games as well as read to kids and give away free books. A new FRED development this year has us doing parent/literacy education to inmates of the Crow Wing County jail.

I believe FRED is a great Man-Making program because it's a non-threatening way for men to connect with young children in a positive way. If any of your readers would like more information about FRED, they can reach me at ljohnson@brainerd.net. Keep up your good work!

I have lots of fond memories of being read to, mostly by teachers. I especially liked when the stories were done in a serial fashion and you'd have to wait a day to get to the next exciting installment. We do the same thing on a boys to men weekend utilizing a storyteller. That last thing to happen prior to bedtime on both Friday and Saturday night is that a man will read or tell the initiates a compelling and relevant story. Don't ever under estimate the power of a good story to interest, inspire, and calm down a group of adolescent males. A campfire doesn't hurt either.

FRED was originally developed by Lynn Bourland White and Stephen Greene in 2001 at the Texas Cooperative Extension at Texas A&M University. The program was named for Fred Bourland, who read to his children as they grew up. For more information on this program, you can contact Lowell Johnson at his email above or you can contact Steve Green directly at Texas A&M at (979) 845-6468 or s-green@tamu.edu

Lowell is right! The idea of men reading to kids at home, as volunteers in schools, in support of young fathers in prison, on a rite-of-passage weekend, or in any setting, is indeed first class man-making.

Appropriate Rites of Passagefor Men and Boys

Wes Carter, a friend and long time advocate of men and boy’s work, told me that a much loved elder for many men in Australia, Don Bowak, died last October. It happened just a few days before the publication of his remarkable book, Marking Life’s Stages: Appropriate Rites of Passage for Men and Boys. The book is a wonderful treatment of that subject and a fine tribute to a very good man. My copy of Don’s book has many bent pages, marking the place of ideas I want to return to in order to soak up the wisdom. Here is one example of many that I liked:

One of the things I hope the men’s movement can avoid is the creation of a new stereotype. We have moved beyond both ‘Macho’ male and ‘Sensitive New Age Guy.’ Neither of them satisfies us, nor will any single replacement. What we need to develop are masculinities which delight in their varied identities and creative energies . . . I prefer the idea of a masculine field, one that embraces a wide range of masculine tendencies . . . The creation of a new set of values for the field of masculinity will be the task of all men. No one man or any elite group can achieve such a thing. But each of us can say what is of value to us and thus make out contribution to the dialogue . . . .

Don’s thoughts on the power of rituals, using “intention and metaphor” in creating effective rituals, building the ritual community, opening and closing ritual space, and even the shadow side of ritual, make his book a solid read. If you are interested in building powerful and transformational containers for rite of passage work there are pearls in this book you won’t want to miss.

The book is not yet available in the US, but for $25 US (includes shipping), you can order your copy of this book from the Pathways Foundation in Australia by sending an email to info@pathwaysfoundation.org.au.

I honor the memory and spirit of Don Bowak. In his life and work many have been and will be considerably blessed.

Getting Boys to Read – Gore and Farting?

In an August 8th Wall Street Journal article, the author, John Hechinger, claims that really gross books may be part of the answer! He the article explores the challenge of getting boys to read and what publishers are doing to reach out to them. Hechinger discovered that, Publishers are hawking more gory and gross books to appeal to an elusive market: boys -- many of whom would rather go to the dentist than crack open “Little House on the Prairie.”

The article explains that, Prof. Wilhelm tracked boys' reading habits for five years ending in 2005 and found that schools failed to meet their "motivational needs." Prof. Wilhelm discovered that Teachers assigned novels about relationships, such as marriage, that appealed to girls but bored boys. His survey of academic research found boys more likely to read nonfiction, especially about sports and other activities they enjoy, as well as funny, edgy fiction.

If you have a boy in your life you may want to read the whole article at this link. You may also want to pick up a copy of Sir Fartsalot Hunts the Booger by Kevin Bolger, and do your own research.