The Small Rites of Passage - Teen Males Shaving

As a young male perched on the brink of manhood, I desperately wanted to participate in the very masculine rite of shaving. Not that it was really necessary, because in truth, I had only the softest beginnings of what would someday be called a beard. Nonetheless, I deemed it necessary to gear up with a small mountain of foamy shave cream and an unforgivably sharp razor  to do bloody battle with my own face.

In my adolescence, there were no men around for training. This was long before the internet, YouTube, and all those digital forms of guidance available today for so many things masculine. All I had for instructions were TV commercials. They always showed severely masculine guys shaving, using horrible shaving technique, and lots of foam. Every commercial also featured a gorgeous and sexy woman fawning over the guy's clean-shaven face. What testosterone-fueled adolescent male wouldn't want that? Of course, those guys had real beards and no visible pimples, which functioned as road bumps for my razor. The commercial below is a good example.

If the video doesn't show up, use this link.

More tragic than the small patches of Kleenex, that constantly dotted my face in those years, is that no one was there to witness and honor the emerging man in me.  There was no one to say, with words or by their actions, "I see you're becoming a man, I honor that step in your life, and I'm here to support you on your journey toward manhood." In so many of the small rite of passage opportunities during my teen years, like shaving, learning to drive, tying a tie for prom, my first teen birthday, and help to understand a constant erection and my compelling need to masturbate, I was left alone to figure out manhood on my own.

I see you're becoming a man, I honor that step in your life,
and I'm here to support you on your journey toward manhood.

It really doesn't take much in those precious, pre-manhood moments, for a teen-male-literate man to make an important difference in a young guy's life. It only takes a comment, maybe a little advice, perhaps even a small private celebration or ritual, to mark his mini-crossing into the world of the men. Males of all ages are naturally hardwired for this interaction. The young guys hunger for it. Older men, whether they realize it or not, in these critical crossing-over moments, can offer young males powerful and transformational blessings. A little instruction doesn't hurt either. It's really high quality man-making action.

Is there a young male in your life, perched on the edge of manhood, who might benefit from a small gesture of you attention, recognition, and support on his journey toward manhood?

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2nd Edition Man-Making Book is out!

The second edition of the Man-Making book
is now officially available!

This edition has a new look and lots of fresh content updates. If you want to purchase a hot-off-the-press copy at the best price anywhere on the planet, DO NOT use the order link on the right side of this page. Instead, use the "secret link" at the end of this post to get the limited time, half-price offer. It's my way of saying "Thanks" to my blog readers for your interest and support.

If you're not familiar with the Man-Making book, it is built around a "Continuum of Involvement." The continuum is both a graph (below) and a collection of chapters in the book describing the wide variety of ways men can make a difference in boys' lives.

The continuum stretches from men actually doing nothing on low-commitment end (yes, there is a powerful way that helps boys), through descriptions of many simple actions men can easily do to support young guys. There is a section describing the important idea of "natural mentors," with men's stories about the men who did (and didn't) show up at that important time in their adolescent development.

In the chapter about one-to-many or group mentoring, you'll read about activities in which men share their personal interests and hobbies with groups of young guys. There are lots of stories about men and boys on teams, in a guy pack, or on different kinds of outdoor adventures. I've also included information about the good work being done by men working with groups of boys in schools, and those men intentionally initiating adolescent males on Rites of Passage experiences.

On the higher-commitment end of the continuum, I discuss a variety of approaches to one-on-one mentoring, and then describe some of the many ways men are involved in ongoing events, programs and national groups that support boys. It's in this section you learn about what I call, "Masculine Gravity," a force that pulls men toward increasing involvement with adolescent males.

Taken together, the stories from all the different places on the "Continuum of Involvement" are great examples of men doing some large or small thing to positively influence boy's lives.

WHAT MEN GET: While much of the book is about boys and what they need on their Journey to Manhood, the book has another purpose and it's hidden in the title of the book. If you notice in, Man-Making - Men Helping Boys on Their Journey to Manhood, the word "Their" is capitalized. That's because so much of the book, both directly and indirectly, is about what men get for themselves on Their Journey to Manhood.

The book contains a couple of very important sections describing both what men get from even minimal involvement with young males, and the cost to men of choosing not to get involved. The latter idea is a discussion of what men miss out on in terms of their own masculine development. It's about the price men unknowingly pay for not engaging their innate man-making potential (hard-wiring) and responding to this ancient call to men's work.

At the heart of the book is a call to men to find some large or small thing they can do about the epidemic of under-male-nourished young males in their communities. The book is my attempt to help men understand no matter how unprepared for man-making they may feel, the man you are today, right now, without any training, CAN make a positive difference in young male lives. That men, without much effort, and in their glorious imperfection, can change the trajectory of a boy's life for the better and get something important for themselves in the process.

To get started, get the Man-Making book at half price using "this secret link."

(This is for single book orders to U.S. addresses only. If you would like more than one book or live outside the U.S., please send me a message and we'll get shipping worked out.)

Your life and the lives of a few boys will very likely
be changed for the better as a result.

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My Father's Workbench

Just below is a shortened version of a story sent to me by a blog subscriber named Martin Brossman. He's titled it, My Father’s Workbench. You can read the whole story at Martin's blog on the topic.

His story speaks of not only the power of fathers in a boy's life, but the attraction for all males to tools, building and fixing things, and what might be called "sacred male space." If you want to get any boy's attention, just haul out the tools or gear.

Please let me know what this story cooks up for you. You can send me an email or post your reactions in the comments area of this post on the Man-Making blog.

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On my 50th birthday in April, I spent the day taking both my parents to two doctor appointments, an exhausting time for them and me. At the end of the day, I went into the basement of their home, the Washington, D.C. house where I grew up, to find a quiet moment. Finding myself standing in front of Dad’s workbench. I got out my cell phone and took a picture.

Later when I looked at that photo, I knew why I had choked up a few weeks before when I stood in my just-built garage in Raleigh, when I was deciding where my new workbench would go. Looking at Dad’s old bench made me realize just how deeply I have always wanted a place to have a home-made workbench like his, one where I could work on household repairs and make things. Most of all I wanted a big sturdy bench where I could properly mount my red vice that I have carried with me from three places I have lived.

I realized, too, that creating my own workbench is connecting me back to the time as a kid when I worked with my father at his workbench. It was where Dad always started house jobs from, and where we ended house jobs by putting away the tools. It was part of connecting with my Dad, who worked a lot but still had time for us to do things. It was not the cleanest workbench and that is part of what made it great. . . .

From the “men’s work” that I have been involved in, to my work with The Triangle Men’s Center, I have learned a lot in the past decade or so about the mental wounds that can occur in men’s lives due to an absent or abusive father. I have met so many men who never had this element in their life, who never had a Dad who included them in house jobs, or experienced a family workbench that held the tools they used together. . . .

Even though my father is on dialysis and much weaker now, I know he will be glad to see a picture of the workbench I am going to build in my garage. It will be ready to photograph when I attach that red vice that mounts with 4 big bolts on its right-hand corner. Over time, my workbench will collect its own holes and nicks from the projects I imagine happening on it. I’ll have to remember to take a picture years from now.

Thanks Dad, for introducing me to the workbench. You weren’t just teaching me handyman skills, you were modeling patience and confidence, and how to carve out a small space for peaceful enjoyment . I hope to keep sharing this valuable message with other men who might be missing the importance of a workbench in their life.

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Martin Brossman is the founder of The Men's Inquiry and the author of Finding Our Fire: Enhancing Men's Connection to Heart, Passion and Strength. He can be reached at: Martin@CoachingSupport.com

Calling REAL Men

Boys don’t really want superheroes to look up to. What they want, and really need, are real men who are willing to simply be themselves and be around. They want real men to talk to, learn from, men who will see them and pass along the occasional compliment, regular guys that boys can simply
watch being men.

Sadly, men, in droves are not hearing that call to action, and as a result, boys are experiencing what I call an epidemic of under-male-nourished boys. Most boy-serving organizations I speak to are experiencing a shortage of men. Scouting, mentoring organizations, inner-city after school programs, and many more, are all short on male involvement.

In my research for the Man-Making book, I learned that many men carry a complex load of fears that prevent them from showing up for boys. Their responses to questions about what gets in the way of them supporting young males included very high levels of confusion, fear, uncertainty, and denial about their importance in boy’s lives. It all adds up to a huge inferiority complex. You can read about what men said in this article titled, Why Men Don’t Mentor Boys from the Man-Making.com website.

To combat men’s fears of inadequacy, I can envision a whole marketing campaign built around the idea of calling imperfect men . . . I mean real men, with the junk of their lives hanging all over them. It could go like this:

CALLING REAL MEN: We are looking for REAL men with the following attributes. If this list sounds like you, please call... Boys are waiting.

WE WANT MEN WHO:
Have some big problems
Sometimes feel lost and confused
Worry about making commitments
Didn't have great mentors or role models for manhood
Can't fix everything that's broken around them or in their life
Are still trying to figure out "life" and what it means to be a man
Don't know how to fully express themselves
Who are uncomfortable crying
Are really busy
Had a tough childhood
Are nervous about being a good mentor
CARE ABOUT BOYS

Those of us working in this field, and the boys we serve, want REAL men to show up for boys. Just the kind of men this list describes.

Would you qualify?

This one is about YOU!

After publishing this blog for almost five years, it's time to get to know YOU, the almost 500 subscribers. This blog has an almost zero unsubscribe rate and new people are joining all the time. That makes me happy. It means the content so far is on track, and more people are becoming interested in this important cause.

This quick, 3 question survey will help me decide the future content direction for this blog. Add your responses and then hit the "submit" button on the bottom. Anything you're willing to offer will be much appreciated. I'll report on the results in a future blog post.

Thanks for your eyeballs, comments, feedback . . . and most importantly, thanks for caring about boys.

Earl

FOR EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS: If you have trouble view the form in the email post, just go to this link and fill it in online.

Enough Said

Dear Earl,

I got an e-mail from a friend today pointing me to your Man-Making blog and it made me sit down and cry. This is so needed.

I raised two children as a single mother, the oldest being a boy who took his life at 26. He hungered for his father all his life and his father just couldn't be there for him as a good mentor. It was terrible to be with his father the day we read our son's suicide note. Six months later his father took his own life.

Now I try and help my daughter and her two girls try and understand and to go on.

God bless you for your great contribution to our society. I hope men get the message.

All Gods Blessings

Trish

News Anchor Cries about Boys and Men

Two of my heroes are Joe Sigurdson and Craig McClain, the founders of the Boys to Men Mentoring Network. What they started 11 years ago now spans 23 US cities and 3 countries. You can read about their very good work at the Boys to Men website.

They were recently interviewed on Fox News in their community. Their description of the initiation weekend, and what happens to men and boys that are involved, actually brought the anchor man to tears. THAT is a true representation of the power of this work.

Check out the interview at this link and then see how you react.

PS: Check out some of the other videos while you're there.

Iron Men and Superheroes

A contributor named Jeremy sent me a link to the fun clip at the end of this post about Ironman and the development of his amazing suit. I haven’t seen the film yet, but I love the notion of super guys who can just handle it all.

In my time it was Batman and Superman. To look back at them now, it's clear they did steroids and had a strange habit of wearing their underwear on the outside of their tights. They had few friends and seemingly no interest in women... but they both had a powerful grip on my young male psyche. Ironman is just the next iteration in what I’m sure will be a long line of super guys… and gals.

At the same time that I love the super guy fantasy, I seem to be in the business of getting men to shed some armor, be a little vulnerable, and allow themselves to become some young guys hero… maybe not so super, but a powerful role model just the same. I like to tell men that the man you are right now, with all your perfections, maybe because of your imperfections, makes you a perfect candidate to be a man-maker and powerful role model in some boy's life.

Young males don’t really want a superman, just a normal man in their lives who can see what’s amazing, and powerful, and awesome about them!

If you listen closely, there is a line in this clip that says, Ironman. . . becomes a superhero through what he is able to create. I’m certain that every man reading this has that power too.

(Click here for the Link to the clip)

Who were your SUPERheroes?

Who were the regular men who showed up for you
and became real life heros?

Comment on the blog or send me you responses and I'll post them on the Man-Making website under What Men Say: Men's Stories.

In Honor of Single Moms

My work is to call men into service to boys on their journey to manhood. Along the way, I've met lots of single mothers. Those I've met do their very best they can to make it all work, raise good kids, and often do that under enormously difficult circumstances. It is a very challenging thing to be a woman alone, raising kids. Mya Angelou says everyone needs heroes and sheroes, and from my perspective, single moms are my complete and total sheroes.

So in honor of Mother's day this year, I want to honor and bless Single moms everywhere . . . for keeping it all together, for being strong and courageous, for heroically and unselfishly giving of yourself to your children, and for caring so very deeply about them.

Thank you for being you and doing your best!

From my conversations with single moms, it's clear to me that many understand and feel the man-hunger in their adolescent sons. They also know how hard it is to get good men involved with their boys and they are always on the look out for opportunities to make that happen. I do offer some suggestions about how to do that in the Man-Making book. But in this post, in support of single moms, I offer a PDF document with a list of Man-Making Books for Single Moms. Some of these books speak directly to single women raising solid boys when there aren't men around to help.

If you know a single mom, be sure to offer her a blessing on Mother's Day. If you're a man and know a single mom with a son, talk to the mom and then if it's OK, engage her son in some large or small way. You can be sure the boy is waiting for the men (you) to show up, and I'll bet the boy's mom will deeply appreciate your involvement.

Do you have a story about a single mom with a son, and men that did or did not show up? Add it to the comments below or send it along to me for posting in the Men's Stories section of the Man-Making website. I feel these are stories we all need to read, understand, and let into our hearts.

Boys and Basketball and Heart

I have a small mountain of posts I could put up today, but this video, sent along by Steve S., so warmed my heart, I chose it immediately.

As a writer, I'm ususally trying to make a point. With this post, I'm not at all sure about the point the video makes . . . or that it even needs to make a point. When I talk about being involved in boys and men activities, I say that my heart is regularly melted and reformed. That's the feeling I get when watching this clip.

If you don't see the image, go to this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ek1iIOTsiRo&feature=related

What's your response?

A Boy's First Shave

This link about a boy's first shave was sent to me by a contributor because it reminded him of an important rite of passage in his (or any boy's) life.

Sitting here, I can remember the feeling and fragrance of mountains of creamy smooth menthol foam shave cream on my face and the glow it left when I was done. It may have actually been more about those sensations than removing the fuzz I was considering a beard in those days. But I was shaving, taking part in a masculine ritual, and definitely feeling more manly.

The article actually has some great advice and information I wish I knew when I was first starting to shave. That I didn't get that transmission of important male knowledge (and a lot other information) is more testimony to how absent the men in my male tribe were. I'm sad about that today.

It's also somehow strange and a little embarrassing that this important information is located on the Woman Republic website.

When you were on the brink of manhood, who taught you to shave and other important and practical guy skills?

Hold On to Your N.U.T.s

In my quest for resources that help build good men, I came across this interesting book by by Wayne M. Levine, M.A., the director of the West Coast Men's Center in Agoura Hills, CA, where he coaches and mentors men, and facilitates men's groups.

The book, Hold On to Your N.U.T.s, in spite of its attention grabbing title, is really about creating solid men boys can admire. N.U.T.s in this case stands for "Non-negotiable, Unalterable, Terms," the things, "that a man is committed to."

Check out the video of the author below having fun being interviewed by the media. You can also go to his website and read snippets of his philosophy, including topics such as Building Communities of Men Without Shame.

For a painfully humorous take on holding on to your NUTS and this book, check out this link. As always, your comments on this post are welcome.

Journeyman - Documentary Film Premiere

It's finally happened. Some very good men have created a film that goes right to the heart of Man-Making. It's titled Journeyman. It is premiering in Minneapolis on November 15th, but will soon be available on a DVD. You can read all about the film, see a clip (bottom of the page), and soon be able to order the DVD at the producers website, mirrormanfilms.org

In you're involved in man-making work in any form, want to call men to serve boys, or just want to see what the bleeding edge of this work looks like, check out this amazing film. It's not Hollywood, but I guarantee it will change the lives of those who see it.

***** Highly Recommended