Advice for A Yong Man's First Date

I can still remember my first kiss. It was on a first date of sorts when I went to a movie with a GIRL! I might have been 13 or 14, I don't know exactly. In truth, I was so uncomfortable (in a good way), I can only come up with a few of the details. I can tell you the name of the theater, that I borrowed the money for the tickets, we sat near the back, she smelled like a goddess, and that I had to dig deep for the courage to put my left arm around her shoulders.

It was about halfway through the movie and my left arm falling off from the cramp, when we somehow turned to look at each other. In that instant, a sweet but oh so brief kiss just happened. I don't know who kissed who, but I doubt I was the initiator. Nothing was said about the kiss after the movie and I have no recall of my life for the rest of the day, only that I had a happy feeling.

That was a long time ago and life was simpler then. The degree of my innocence back then is astounding compared to what young men see and know today. In 2013, young guys are inundated with media images and music lyrics about sex and relationships. They often get advice about women from their equally uninformed peers, most of which is not especially helpful and sometimes just bad data.

Today our young males have the likes of Google and Bing search engines, which can provide enough information on gender biology for guys to become gynecologists. With all that information, it's still easy for too many of our young guys to be confused about what it means to have intimate connection to another person. We see it in the papers when it goes tragically off track and we wind up with victims, perpetrators, and lives in ruins.

If a young man comes from a home with good relationship role models, or an adult willing and able to have the important conversations, they are very lucky indeed. For the rest, like so many aspects of manhood, too many young males are left to just figure out the notions of love, sex, intimacy, and relationships with women on their own.

. . . too many young males are left on their own
to just figure out the notions of love, sex, intimacy,
and relationships with women.

I loved it when my brother in mission, Andy Roy, sent along a link to a website offering young men "10 Things a Boy Must Know Before His First Date." Andy and his partner, Stephen Halsall, run the very successful Powerhouse Programs in Australia. They do Rite of Passage programs for young men, parent training for raising young males, and great school-based training for teens (including workshops on sexuality). Like Andy, those of us who work with young men know they (still) need a lot of guidance on even the most practical and mundane parts of a young man's life. The first date is no exception.

Here are the first five of the list of 10 first date suggestions from the website, Helene's Legacy. They describe what the author believes a boy should know prior to his first date with a girl (or change the language for your romantic partner of choice). The whole list is great, and I'm sure you could add a few more:

1. The goal of this evening is to spend time with a nice girl. It's not a notch in your belt, or the first step on the road to going steady, or even necessarily the night you'll have your first kiss. Take your expectations down a peg and you won't be so nervous.


2. When trying to decide between dressing cool and dressing casually, go with dressing clean. She wants you to smell nice. That means you need to shower too.


3. When you go to pick her up, don't wait in the car for her to come out. Go right up to her door and be ready to introduce yourself to her parents. If her dad answers the door, shake his hand. It won't hurt to call him "sir" either.


4. Hold the car door open for her, and make sure to ask "all set?" before you slam it.


5. As you leave her house, smile, make eye contact with her, and tell her sincerely that you're glad she is there.

To see all of Helene's ten suggestions you can visit her website.

In response to the list above, Andy said, ". . . it has some really lovely points, but it is written by a woman, and some boys will pay it zero heed. Perhaps a man’s voice to compliment the list and say the same things in a different way would help boys understand or ‘get it’."

One man's take on the same advice for young males is from Alan Smyth. Alan is a dad with a daughter and a Young Life Regional Director trying to reach lost kids in LA. He is also the author of the book, Prized Possession - A Father’s Journey in Raising his Daughter.

On his blog myfatherdaughter.com, Alan wrote 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter. While it was written in jest, it definitely has a more aggressive take on the "first date" list. Alan was quite surprised at how many responses came back that he actually put the rules on a tee-shirt and offered it for sale. While the list and shirt were meant to be humorous, Alan says he's glad, "This light-hearted shirt is bringing thousands of Dads further into the important conversation of their role with their daughters."

Now that you're in that teenage frame of mind, can you bring back the memory of your first date? What age did it occur? Were you prepared for the experience, and did it go well? What feelings did you have during and after the date? Did anyone other than your peers talk to you about how to handle yourself on the outing or were you "just figuring it out" on your own?

Most importantly, there just might be a young guy in your life somewhere who'd benefit from a conversation about your first date experience, if you're willing.

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A Father's Gifts to His Son

At The National Center for Fathering (NCF), they believe ". . . every child needs a dad they can count on." For NCF this isn't just a great idea but a real goal. Ever since the organization was founded by Dr. Ken Canfield as a nonprofit, scientific and education organization, they have been offering very practical and research-based training to support father (and grandfather) involvement with their sons.

On the NCF website you'll find a small mountain of information about their seminars, their small-group training, the WATCH D.O.G.S. (Dads Of Great Students) program, a library of articles, a link to their daily radio program, and how you can sign up for their weekly e-mail.

One of the Man-Making Blog subscribers and a true brother in mission, Joseph A. Schrock, sent along this wonderful list, titled "8 Ways Fathers Benefit Boys," he found on Fathers.com. It's from The Fatherless Generation Foundation, Inc. In a world where we have an epidemic of under-male-nourished boys, this list below is music to my ears.

As you read this list, remember that while an involved father is the most potent man-making force in a boy's life, the other men of his village have countless additional gifts for the young man. You won't have the same clout as "dad," but by being intentional, you too, can help shape a young man's life in these same ways.

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8 Ways Fathers Benefit Boys

Countless studies have shown that growing up with a father increases a boy's school performance and decreases their risk of committing a crime and abusing drugs and alcohol. Here are eight more ways dads influence boys—whether they live in the home or stay involved on a regular basis.

1. Shape their identity. Boys look to fathers in their search for self. Without a father, boys have a harder time defining who they are and who they want to be. A boy's search for himself starts with his father.
    
2. Help them belong. The need to belong to a family or tribe is a powerful force in boys. Having a father in the picture gives them this sense of alliance. Studies show that boys without fathers are more likely to join gangs—because they have to look outside the family for social acceptance.
    
3. Influence their values. Boys with fathers are more likely than their fatherless peers to have economic stability in the household. This gives them a sense of self-worth. There are other values fathers shape: work ethic, having a healthy relationship, and persevering.
    
4. Demonstrate character. Boys look up to their fathers and imitate what they see. Fathers can model good character traits like integrity, honesty, courage, restraint, fairness, foresight, and citizenship. When fathers are absent, boys look to celebrities, popular musicians, or sports figures for character cues.
    
5. Teach respect. A father who does not show up for his boy epitomizes disrespect. Present fathers, on the other hand, can actively teach respectful behaviors such as listening, trust, tolerance, politeness, and understanding limits.
    
6. Fill the void. Boys without fathers often feel as though there's something missing, which is why some fatherless boys turn to sex, pornography, violence, drugs, alcohol, or other self-destructive behaviors. Having a father helps boys feel complete.
    
7. Balance ideas about sex. Boys without fathers have a lot of unanswered questions about sex. A side effect is that they don't talk about sex and don't get the practical advice that would carry them into healthy, fulfilling relationships as men. Fathers can give practical advice about girls, sex, wet dreams, contraceptives, pregnancy, and other topics they are not likely to discuss with their moms.
    
8. Give them love. Boys who don't have involved fathers often view love as vulnerability and trust as a bad thing. Fathers show boys that love means satisfaction and completeness.

Does this list cook up anything in you?

If your father was not involved with you growing up, 
where did you learn these important life lessons?

Share your thoughts with me in a quick message.

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CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

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Taking Young Men Fishin' - With A Mission!

I've written before about how my boyhood was blessed by my neighbor, Mark Moore, who loved fishing. He was that one man who took a lost, frightened, slightly wild, but very alone young kid under his wing. He probably saved my life in the process. Mark was the guy who took me on my first fishing trip.

I can still remember the first time we went fishing. Looking back, for a 9 year old boy it was wildly exciting experience! Especially for a city kid who never much got away from the hood. I remember seeing the lake at the end of the long wooden dock, with the soft morning sun just beginning to reflect off the water. Everything was still, almost magical. Mark's old wooden fishing boat was waiting for us, and after it was loaded with the tackle box, a white cardboard box of worms, miscellaneous gear, a net, rods, the gas can, and a cooler with beverages and lunch, we finally got in the thing.

I was sitting in the bow, on a square, red cushion. Mark sat in the back, where he commenced to start the engine. I can still remember the smell of gas from the old Johnson motor. Mark pulled on the starter rope a few times, futzed with the choke, pulled some more, and spoke some manly incantations over the thing until it finally sputtered to life.

The next thing I knew we were flying across the lake. I remember watching the water off the bow of the boat and feeling that freshest of fresh air on my face. It was thrilling enough for a city kid who had never been in the middle of a lake. When we were finally delivered to the "right spot" on the reedy part of the lake, Mark and I commenced the process of going after the meat . . . well, fish. That's when my moment of truth arrived.

I was allowed to hold a very sharp fish hook, and invited to load it with a wiggling brown worm. Now I'd fried a few ants under a magnifying glass, and killed my share of bugs, but this was my first lesson in using a live creature for bait. With that trial successfully passed, we spent the rest of the morning learning to cast, untangling line, and mostly watching our bobbers.

There was the the thrill of the catching and then learning to get the hook out of the mouth of a creature who was staring at you. And then the joy and relief (for me) of releasing the fish back into the lake and watching him swim away. I only got one fish that first trip, but loved the anticipation, and getting about a thousand "nibbles."

This was an adventure filled with awe, lessons, fun, and complete boyhood pleasure taken in the company of a man who was teaching me important lessons about life in the process. Not just how to fish, but about planning, preparation, safety, patience, compassion, nature, motors, mastery, and enjoying quiet time in each other’s company.

When I heard about how my brother in mission, Mustapha Mahdi, was starting a program titled, Fishin' With A Mission in Atlanta, my memories got stirred up and I was eager to learn more. Here's the description he sent describing his group's first outing:

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A group of 8 men and 12 teenage males ignored the dark clouds and rain and showed up at the Juvenile Court Office at the Fulton County Courthouse. It was all because they wanted to go fishing. We were headed to Lake Altoona, Camp High Harbor to jump start "Fishin' With A Mission...to save our sons." We left Atlanta at about 9:30 in the morning and by the time we got to Lake Altoona, it was still cloudy but the rain had stopped.

Many of the kids had never been fishing before and most had never caught a fish. With help from the men, the young men learned to set up a rod and reel, how to put a worm on a hook, how to cast, and then how to wait patiently for the fish to bite. During the waiting times, in addition to the joking and banter, we got family updates from the boys, learned about their plans for the summer, as well as touching on "boys to men" issues, like respect for women, relationships, plans for their future, and responsible fatherhood.

When one of the guys actually caught a fish,
the shout could be heard for miles . . .

When one of the guys actually caught a fish, the shout could be heard for miles, and the kid's smile was priceless. One young man caught a huge soft shell turtle, a large mouth bass and about 7 brim. He says, he's the man now...because I, the leader, only caught two! For me, the most memorable words came from a boy who didn't catch a single fish but said this was the first time anyone had taken him fishing and he can't wait to go again because it's just nice to get out of the house.

The scenery on the lake was breathtaking. The time with the men, new skills learned, and bragging rights for many, guaranteed the boys are already looking forward to the next trip. I have to say that I had fun too. Again, this experience for me is more proof positive that all our sons and young men want is our time.

I’m grateful to the fathers who showed up, men who chaperoned, the Andrew and Walter Young family YMCA. We were blessed by a Facebook friend, Mr. Gordia Ammons, who made a $200 dollar donation to purchase fishing rods, reels, and supplies we can use again and again. Also, a special thanks to Aaron Zerkle for hosting us at the YMCA Camp High Harbor. All these men actually made the trip possible.

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Mustapha says that at it's core, Fishin' With A Mission is about saving our young men from drugs, gangs, violence and teen fatherhood. It's about preparing our young men for manhood and responsible fatherhood with the involvement and guidance of responsible and involved men. With that in mind, he's hoping the fishing trips will be held every month. He's also holding on to the idea that at some point he'll be able to take the whole tribe on a deep sea fishing trip.

Do you have a fishing story from your background? If you missed out on that experience, how does that feel? Do you have a skill set which, if shared with a group of young men, might create a life-long collection of happy memories?

We can all do something for a young male or group of guys somewhere in our community. If you’re curious about how to get started, give me a shout and let’s see what might be possible. I can promise that if you can get past your fears and inertia, as it is with just about any work with young men, you too will have a potent and memorable experience.

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CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

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