The Male Emotional Suppression Cycleand Human Volcanoes

I'm sitting in a boy's high school group across the circle from a young guy whose eyes are darting around the room. He is unconsciously biting his fingernails, and his right leg is continuously bouncing at a ferocious pace. Let’s call him Joe. Looking at Joe, it feels to me like I’m watching a wild animal that has been backed into a corner. I’ve known that kind of agitation as a teen and recognize what’s underneath. For the first few weeks of the group, whenever it was Joe’s turn to speak, he’d usually say there's nothing much going on in his life. We see a lot of guys like Joe.

Looking at Joe, it feels to me
like I’m watching a wild animal
that has been backed into a corner.

So much of what happens in the group is about working against the male stereotypes that say, man up, be tough, don’t show your pain, and just play hurt. It’s those messages that are at the core of Joe’s limited ability to really understand and work with his internal emotional life. More about Joe at the end of this post.

Teenage males like Joe have no choice but to live through the often difficult challenges of their home life, complex and mystifying social relationships, academic demands, and the multiple losses that are a common part of a young man's adolescence. Without a safe place, permission, and support to risk emotional expression, the internal pressure can only build. With no positive avenues for release, they become emotionally pressurized like Joe, a kind of human volcano. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised to see impatience, restlessness, anger, bullying, explosive violence, or the even the darker side of unexpressed feelings, hopelessness and depression.

With no positive avenues for release,
they become emotionally pressurized like Joe,
a kind of human volcano.

Mark Greene is the Executive Editor at The Good Men Project (GMP) and the author of a great new book, Remaking Manhood. In an article for GMP Mark offers us a beautifully simple graphic which begins to explain the trap in which young guys like Joe and so many men, are caught. It describes how, starting from early childhood, boys are taught to suppress their emotions and narrow their range of expression. Mark calls it The Male Emotional Suppression Cycle (MESC).

Some real life examples of the costs of The Male Emotional Suppression Cycle for men come from an article and video recently published in the UK HUFFPOST Lifestyle section. In the article by Kenny Mammarella-D'Cruz, titled Man Up!, he describes the wrenching emotional impact of a significant loss in his family life when he was a young man, how poorly he dealt with it, and the costs to him well into his adult life.

Kenny was also one of the men profiled in a powerful four minute documentary on BBC3 Online titled "It's Tough Being A Man." In the short video below, thirteen men describe the pressures they faced to be silent in the face of trauma in their lives, and why for them, it's tough being a man in Britain today.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

I'm hoping you're beginning to understand the importance of helping young men like Joe to get an early start on developing an emotional vocabulary and the ability to be vulnerable enough to use it in the right places.

You might be happy to hear Joe has continued to attend the school support group. It has taken weeks for him to learn to trust the men and other guys. The stories others have shared helped him to know he’s not alone in what he’s facing. Over time, Joe has given us a peek into his world. Gradually we’ve learned about his absent parents, his need to be always on guard in his violent neighborhood, and the very real fear he carries for his safety and that of his little brother and sister. Joe has started to unpack himself, decompress a little, and in the process, developed some allies who understand and care.

If guys (of any age) can find their way to a safe, non-judgmental, and supportive group where emotional truth is shared, there is enormous normalizing and healing power available. When that happens, men and boys no longer have to be alone with their fears, traumas, or shame. As a bonus, they also find a place to celebrate their joys and successes. I'm pretty sure there's a group like that near you if you can find the courage to go looking.

And then, how about showing up for the Joes in your world so they don't have to wait until mid-life to unpack themselves and find good adult male allies? If you’d like to talk about how to start a group for young guys, send me a quick message. All it takes is the courage to take the next step in that direction, and you just might find yourself making a big difference in some male lives. You can be sure the young men are waiting for you to show up!

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Boys, Men and the Father Wound

One element of the school support circles training for men is to invite them to revisit their own teen years. There are activities to help them remember and reconnect with the bittersweet, painful, and often confusing time in a man's life. Doing this increases a man's connection to the energy, feelings, and stories of today's young males.

While the clothing, music, and language has changed, the boys in our circles really are simply younger versions of the men. With a few exceptions, the boys bring the same challenges, hungers, fears, pain, confusion, and hopes for their future the men experienced in their teen years. When a man is clear about his own teen history, it’s easier for him to keep his unfinished business separate from those of the young guys across the circle. It creates a more compassionate, empathetic, and caring mentor.

One important aspect of the training is to look at the relationship between the man and his father. This relationship, for better and worse, is at the core of the man a boy will become. As the men share their experiences, the whole range of possible relationships with fathers is revealed. We hear about present and loving dads, ghost dads, who are there but in all ways unavailable, and the angry, damaging, addicted, demeaning and destructive fathers. There are stories about the unknown fathers, men who abandoned the young man and family early in the boy's life. These kinds of tough stories are what I call the father wound.

In the school data from The Boys to Men Mentoring Network in San Diego, 73% of the boys in the program do not have a father active in their life. In addition to fatherlessness, it's common that the young guys in our circles don't have any positive or durable adult male relationship for support. This is what I often refer to as the epidemic of under-male-nourished boys.

. . . 73% of the boys in the program
do not have a father active in their life.

In preparing for a recent training, I came across some powerful words about the confusion and complexity surrounding a man's relationship to his father and his father wound. They come from the 1999 movie, Smoke Signals. The film tells the story of the relationship between a father, Arnold Joseph, and his son Victor. The story unfolds after Arnold has died, and Victor and another young man from the reservation, Thomas Builds-the-Fire, set off to collect Arnold's pick-up truck and ashes.

Victor remembers his father leaving him as a child, and that he was an alcoholic and abusive father. He just drove off one day and never came back. On the road trip, the two men remember Victor’s father, but their memories about Arnold are very different. Victor learns many new and even some positive things about his father during this journey. In the end, he begins to better understand, forgive, and grieve his father's loss. Here are the questions he speaks in the final scene of the film as he tries to find his way through the complicated feelings of his father wound.

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How do we forgive our fathers -- maybe in a dream?

Do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often - or forever - when we were little?

Or maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage?

Or making us nervous because there didn't seem to be any rage at all?

Do we forgive our fathers for marrying or not marrying our mothers?

Or for divorcing or not divorcing our mothers?

And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth -- or coldness?

Shall we forgive them for pushing -- or leaning?

For shutting doors or speaking through walls,

Or never speaking

Or never being silent?

Do we forgive our fathers in our age or theirs?

Or in their deaths, saying it to them or not saying it?

If we forgive our fathers, what is left?

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The poignant statements above accurately describe the complexity and confusion many adult men are still carrying about their fathers. In the training, some men surprise themselves with the depth and variety of feelings that come up during these conversations. I remind men the young guys are sitting in this same emotional confusion. The difference is the boys don't have the maturity, emotional vocabulary, or even permission to touch their father wound.

In the training, from a place of shared understanding and compassion, as a group we make a commitment to support all “our” boys in our circles. We want them to know they are heard, understood, cared for, and honored for standing strong in the face of their considerable challenges. We want them to know, without question, they have our support.

When a man holds this kind of attitude for the boys in our circles, it opens a door for healing his father wound, and it can be a life-giving gift for each boy he encounters.

I believe you wouldn't be reading this far if you weren't interested in this work in some way. You can go to this link to learn more about a school mentor's job description or you can send me a note and we can talk about what the next possible steps for you might be! I know you're the right man for the work and I'm just as sure the boys are waiting.

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SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)

CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

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