MAN-MAKING BLOG

April 4, 2016

Boys, Men and the Father Wound

One element of the school support circles training for men is to invite them to revisit their own teen years. There are activities to help them remember and reconnect with the bittersweet, painful, and often confusing time in a man's life. Doing this increases a man's connection to the energy, feelings, and stories of today's young males.

While the clothing, music, and language has changed, the boys in our circles really are simply younger versions of the men. With a few exceptions, the boys bring the same challenges, hungers, fears, pain, confusion, and hopes for their future the men experienced in their teen years. When a man is clear about his own teen history, it’s easier for him to keep his unfinished business separate from those of the young guys across the circle. It creates a more compassionate, empathetic, and caring mentor.

One important aspect of the training is to look at the relationship between the man and his father. This relationship, for better and worse, is at the core of the man a boy will become. As the men share their experiences, the whole range of possible relationships with fathers is revealed. We hear about present and loving dads, ghost dads, who are there but in all ways unavailable, and the angry, damaging, addicted, demeaning and destructive fathers. There are stories about the unknown fathers, men who abandoned the young man and family early in the boy's life. These kinds of tough stories are what I call the father wound.

In the school data from The Boys to Men Mentoring Network in San Diego, 73% of the boys in the program do not have a father active in their life. In addition to fatherlessness, it's common that the young guys in our circles don't have any positive or durable adult male relationship for support. This is what I often refer to as the epidemic of under-male-nourished boys.

. . . 73% of the boys in the program
do not have a father active in their life.

In preparing for a recent training, I came across some powerful words about the confusion and complexity surrounding a man's relationship to his father and his father wound. They come from the 1999 movie, Smoke Signals. The film tells the story of the relationship between a father, Arnold Joseph, and his son Victor. The story unfolds after Arnold has died, and Victor and another young man from the reservation, Thomas Builds-the-Fire, set off to collect Arnold's pick-up truck and ashes.

Victor remembers his father leaving him as a child, and that he was an alcoholic and abusive father. He just drove off one day and never came back. On the road trip, the two men remember Victor’s father, but their memories about Arnold are very different. Victor learns many new and even some positive things about his father during this journey. In the end, he begins to better understand, forgive, and grieve his father's loss. Here are the questions he speaks in the final scene of the film as he tries to find his way through the complicated feelings of his father wound.

How do we forgive our fathers -- maybe in a dream?

Do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often - or forever - when we were little?

Or maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage?

Or making us nervous because there didn't seem to be any rage at all?

Do we forgive our fathers for marrying or not marrying our mothers?

Or for divorcing or not divorcing our mothers?

And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth -- or coldness?

Shall we forgive them for pushing -- or leaning?

For shutting doors or speaking through walls,

Or never speaking

Or never being silent?

Do we forgive our fathers in our age or theirs?

Or in their deaths, saying it to them or not saying it?

If we forgive our fathers, what is left?

The poignant statements above accurately describe the complexity and confusion many adult men are still carrying about their fathers. In the training, some men surprise themselves with the depth and variety of feelings that come up during these conversations. I remind men the young guys are sitting in this same emotional confusion. The difference is the boys don't have the maturity, emotional vocabulary, or even permission to touch their father wound.

In the training, from a place of shared understanding and compassion, as a group we make a commitment to support all “our” boys in our circles. We want them to know they are heard, understood, cared for, and honored for standing strong in the face of their considerable challenges. We want them to know, without question, they have our support.

When a man holds this kind of attitude for the boys in our circles, it opens a door for healing his father wound, and it can be a life-giving gift for each boy he encounters.

I believe you wouldn't be reading this far if you weren't interested in this work in some way. You can go to this link to learn more about a school mentor's job description or you can send me a note and we can talk about what the next possible steps for you might be! I know you're the right man for the work and I'm just as sure the boys are waiting.

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March 14, 2016

A Mom Wants Heroes for Her Son

I got a challenging message from the mom of a ten-year-old boy named Aaron. Melody K. wrote, I find it hard to raise a boy to be a man and male mentors are not easy to find. There seem to be lots of resources to help women and girls but not much for boys and men. Even our local Boy Scout groups have more moms than dads involved. My son needs to have good male mentors and some positive male heroes he can look up to. Can you profile some of these men?

Some of our military men are really heroes and would be great role models. Another good example was Quannah Parker, the last war leader of the free Comanche. He had a very difficult life on the plains and was focused on helping his people withstand the challenges to their way of life. He was also a brave warrior.

I'd like to read about lots of positive male role models, all with their own unique strengths. Their stories would be so encouraging to boys like my son who are looking for guidance and thinking about what kind of man they are going to become.

Here's part of my response to Melody: First of all, I believe ALL men are role models for boys because as young males approach adolescence they start watching and emulating the men around them. Like it or not, while they may not yet be heroes, all men are in the business of mentoring boys, whether they know it or not.

. . . all men are in the business of mentoring boys
whether they know it or not.

As I look back on my life the real hero for me was the man who lived next door. Mark Moore was the father of two girls and I know he liked having a young guy around. He knew about the alcoholic messes that happened in my house and, without saying much, he took me under his protective wing.

I can still remember the winter day Mark showed me his tackle box, a thing of mystery and things masculine for sure. I spent many days that winter waiting for late spring and the day Mark and I headed out to go fishing, with all the adventure, things to learn, and the beauty of nature. I learned to put a hook on the line, add the bait, and then how to be patient while waiting for your dreams to come true. Sometimes we even caught fish and I had to learn about life and death. Mark also invited me into his garage woodshop where I learned about tools, planning, building things, and starting over when necessary.

I wrote a blog post about Mark Moore in 2010, when I learned about his death, because, while I didn't realize it at the time, he taught me so much about being a man without even trying. He was and is my hero.

. . . he taught me so much about being a man
without even trying.

For better and worse, there are always men in the media for boys to watch. Way back when I was a kid, I had superheroes. I’m old enough to remember the early ones like Lone Ranger, Sky King, Superman, and Batman. While those shows were much less graphic, sexy, and violent than today's versions, my heroes were always strong, clean, and capable. They were constantly busy nabbing bad guys and doing the right thing for the people they served. They didn’t swear, always stood for positive values, and were always humble about their good work. Life was so innocent back then!

When training men to work with young guys, I like to ask them about their heroes. The hero question is actually number 7 on my list of Questions for Men which you can find on the Man-Making website. The question is: As an adolescent boy, who was one of your male heroes from film, music, sports, or television? What did that man teach you about manhood? Was there another man who was less visible and maybe less famous who stood out for you? What did you learn about being a man from him?

. . . who are your male heroes today?

So dear reader, let's help Melody and her son Aaron out. Do you have your own stories about men, or a special man, who has inspired you? Who were your heroes growing up and who are your male heroes today? What good men, real heroes, or positive role models have you come across in your life, film, TV, or in books? Send a paragraph along to me and I'll publish them (anonymously if you like) on this blog. I'll also add them to the Men's Stories collection evolving on the Man-Making website.

For the record, if you're a man and reading this post, you are my hero! It's because you wouldn't be here reading this unless you've heard the call to Man-Making, however faint. Reading these posts IS a step toward increasing your young male literacy, moving you closer to action in support of a young guy . . . and maybe becoming some young guy's hero!

Follow @earlh

February 29, 2016

Nine Things Boys Need and Get
from School Groups with Men

I just came from sitting with a group of teen males in a Boys to Men high school support group. My heart is open and full, I'm in awe, and I'm feeling very proud of the boys and men in the group.

The organization I'm with, the Desert Men's Council, has been in this school for three years now and we've developed a history with many of the boys. Each semester, when we restart the group, new young men show up and jump right in.

On my list of what I continue to find amazing about these groups and the young guys in them includes the following:

How much wisdom these young guys have accumulated in their short lives.

How very naive they are about so many of the realities of life. How much they really don't know or understand about the world because of a lack of modeling and intentional guidance.

How quickly they seem willing to trust us men, especially when so many of them have taken serious damage from the adult men in their lives.

How hard it is see the difficulty they have in thinking through the long-term consequences of their choices. We men know, and even some of the young guys know, they don't have a fully wired brain. But still they continue to steam along, fueled by testosterone, and making what are often foolish and sometimes dangerous choices.

Their willingness to be honest about the very difficult challenges they are facing. They are almost always willing to quickly drop the mask of teen bravado and share the hard stuff they are so tired of keeping bottled up inside.

How they ripen with the praise and honoring the men liberally offer. You can almost watch their self-esteem straightening their spines and making them stronger.

What amazing resilience and courage they display in the face of the wrenching losses, real fears, and deep disappointments that are so much a part of their lives.

These are just some of the reasons for me to be in awe of these young men. I feel honored to be witness to such strength and courage. I'm reminded of the words from one memorable movie, "You make me want to be a better man." I love the fact that being "me," my gloriously imperfect self, and just showing up as a man who cares about them, is all that's required.

You make me want to be a better man.

While I'm still in the afterglow of the group experience, in no particular order, here's my quick list of nine things boys need and get from school groups with men. Most of these were present in today's group:

A safe place to speak their truth. Any truth. The truth which if kept in the dark and secret places will do serious damage over a lifetime.

Adult male allies - men who are on their side and want the best for them.

Solid support for their existing life challenges. Everything from their family interactions, friendships, trouble with the girls in their lives, gang challenges, money problems, value based choices, and feeling/being lonely.

Good information about life/being a man.

An evolving vision of positive manhood. Having a picture created of the attributes of a good man, a man you'd respect and who'd be a role model for you.

Development of emotional vocabulary – Having a language to describe the complex emotional experiences and feelings they are having. Having a place to have feelings and not be negatively judged.

A place to decompress, to un-shame, to not be alone with the anger and pain, talk about age specific, maturity level appropriate, and life challenge relevant issues.

Belonging: In a school full of cliques, in group we are all brothers, alike, included, valued, and honored. Having other guys who are so much more that just a "what’s up?" friend.

A place to practice being a man - where they can try on being the man they want to become. Practice showing up with authenticity, accountability, responsibility, speaking directly/assertively, supporting others, receiving praise and constructive feedback, etc.

There's lots more, of course, this is just what's in my mind and heart after today's group.

If you want to talk about how you might become "a better man," from putting your gloriously imperfect self in contact with some young guys, give me a shout. I absolutely know it will change you for the better and I absolutely know the young guys are waiting for a guy, just like you, to show up.

I absolutely know the young guys are waiting
for a guy, just like you,
to show up.

Follow @earlh

February 21, 2016

The ReUp Rap Contest that Healed the Hood

When yet another senseless crime took the life of an inner-city teen and struck at the heart of yet another community, news anchor Charlene Israel (now Charlene Aaron), realized she had to do something. So she got together with some other very good people from her community and started The ReUp Rap Contest. The ReUP is a hip-hop competition designed to promote change in the 7 Cities area of Virginia. This extremely important first step launched an amazing community initiative that changed the lives of many young men and touched many others in her community.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO REACH KIDS,
TO BRING THIS COMMUNITY TOGETHER?

"The ReUp" is a documentary film about that competition. It was filmed and edited by Lion'El with music by A-Rock and Just Archie. The film follows the evolution of the hip-hop competition and represents over a year of hard work, heartache, blood, sweat, and tears to create. It is a beautiful story of a community's trauma and loss. It's also the story of the actions people took to heal and support their kids and their community.

It's well worth your time to watch and actually witness the changes as street kids become proud, new young rappers. They have different levels of skill, but each of them has a powerful, often emotional story to tell. You'll hear lyrics of anger, sadness, and hopelessness, which wouldn't have otherwise been expressed. We would have been left with a pressurized and angry young man in the street. I'm reminded of the quote from Dr. William Pollack, author of the book, Real Boys, when he said, “If we don’t let our boys cry tears, they’ll cry bullets.” In this documentary, you'll hear how The ReUp has allowed these young guys to finally have a voice, a way to speak the truth about their lives that we all need to hear.

Warning: The full YouTube video (below) will only be available for a short time.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

Rules of The ReUp Rap contest:
Lyrical content must not contain:
swearing, violence/gunplay
objectification of women and other negative imagery.
Overall theme: "Love Your Neighbor"

Like the news anchor Charlene Aaron, Just Archie, also known as Archie "Van" Boone, is a powerful and creative youth advocate and educator. His music forms some of the background for the film. He believes in rap as an art form and a communication tool that can speak to the challenged youth in our cities. Archie is the founder of R.A.P Therapy and co-founder of The Shoutout Music Therapy Program. You can contact Archie Boone at itsjustarchie@yahoo.com and purchase music by A-rock and Just Archie at this link.

. . . they heard a more powerful call to do something
to support all "our" kids
and their communities.

Archie "Van" Boone is a one-man tour-de-force, positively and relentlessly influencing young lives and bettering his community. Charlene Aaron also stepped up because "we have to do something!" Because of their courage and willingness to act, people like Archie and Charlene are my Man-Making heroes. They are just like you, except maybe they heard a more powerful call to do something to support all "our" kids and their communities.

Blessings on Archie, Charlene, and all of the other heroes and sheroes who take action . . . and also blessings on those of you who will be inspired to "do something" in your community.

Re-invent
Re-think
Re-innovate
Re-imagine
Re-create
Re-UP!

Follow @earlh

February 5, 2016

A Conversation About A Boy's Rite of Passage

I recently received a request from Brian Mier in Melbourne, Australia, asking for guidance on a rite of passage experience for his nine-year-old grandson Seb. I thought our exchanges might be inspirational and encourage other men to think about what they might do to mark transitions for young males on their way toward manhood. Here's how our exchange went down:

FROM BRIAN: Good evening, Earl. I'’m very much wanting to plan a Rites of Passage ceremony for my grandson, Sebastian, who is currently 9 years old. Three years from now, when he's 12-13 years of age, he'll move from the ‘primary school’ system into a ‘secondary school or college’ system. When that time comes, I want to mark the passage event with a ceremony and I'd like your guidance.

For starters, I'’m thinking this should be a family thing, involving his father, me as Grandpa, his other grandfather, if he is willing, maybe his Scout Leader (if male), and any other ‘good men’ who are or will be in his life for those difficult early teenage years.

One idea involves ascending 1,000 steps. The steps are in a State Park, in a native bushland environment, close to where we live. Seb and his dad would go to the bottom of the steps, have a little talk about what the ceremony is about, then climb the steps together. At the top of the hill they meet the two grandfathers, who welcome them and congratulate them on achieving this part of the journey.

We then drive a short distance to Mt. Dandenong, which looks out over the eastern suburbs of Melbourne in the distance. Seb'’s home is in that view. The other adults meet us there. We talk about the journey of life ahead for Seb, and maybe each of us shares a short story about our journeys at his age. Finally, we retire into the café there and enjoy a meal together. Three generations of good men and a boy, who is well on the way, in the company of those men who will be there to help him cross the bridge to adolescence.

If you have any thoughts about that approach, please let me know. Also, if you have any scripts or suggestions for the talking parts, they would also be welcome.

EARL REPLIED: How beautiful, Brian. First let me compliment you on the intention to gift your grandson in this way. From my experience, you are unusual among men (and grandfathers)! Not only because you understand the importance of these moments in a young man's life, but because you're willing to step into action. I'm happy to support you any way I can. Here's some feedback and a few thoughts about your plan:

. . . anything good men do,
with intention, to honor a boy
in these transition moments, is perfect.

First, know that what you've described is really fine. In fact, anything good men do, with intention, to honor a boy in these transition moments, is perfect. It will be memorable and have powerful impact on the young man . . . and also men. Everything that follows is really just suggestion.

I very much like the group of men you've proposed. One important consideration from my experience is that being surrounded by even a few men who are focusing on just him can be very intimidating for a single young boy. Too much manpower can easily pop the boy's circuit breakers. Where possible, I like to see WWM events done in a pack of men and multiple boys. If you want the event to be just for Seb, just a few familiar men will do the trick.

I'm not so hot on your idea to drive from place to place. I think that spreading the event out in time and distance will greatly distract from the power and intimacy of just being in one place. As you may know, I'm nuts about male circles. It's how men have gathered forever, often around fire. While you might work in the stairs (great metaphor), I think just the power of men gathered in a circle, speaking with intention to and about Seb, would be sufficient for him to feel something important happened and the moment powerfully marked.

Welcome to the World of Men

I call celebrations occurring prior to testosterone hitting a boy, Welcome to the World of Men (WWM). These events are not about major "passage" from one life stage to another, because he isn't yet crossing into early manhood, moving from the dependency of childhood toward responsibilities and challenges of manhood. For a boy, it's more about being welcomed into men's world, being taught a little about manhood, honoring him, and knowing he has some good men around for support. While Seb might be experiencing emerging manhood at twelve years old, I'm guessing there will still be a lot of boy energy in him.

So let's assume Seb will NOT be experiencing 'approaching manhood' at twelve. I'd recommend more of an honoring - WWM style - ceremony to honor his change in schools. You know your grandson so you'll have to moderate the following suggestions based on his maturity level and attention span.

OPENING: You'd want to open the experience with a little ritual of some sort so there is a formal beginning. Opening could be simply lighting a fire or a single candle, reading a poem, or doing what your faith traditions do, or maybe what indigenous people in your part of the world do, to sanctify the gathering.

As the convener, you could explain the purpose of the gathering and then invite men into the experience. I've even seen a small altar or shrine established with a photo of Seb as a young boy and some of his boyhood things to honor what he's leaving behind.

CIRCLE ROUNDS: I like the topics of the conversation you've suggested, and rather than "scripts," I think men speaking from their hearts is best. You can set the topics for the men by having them take turns speaking, going around the circle a few times, each time with a different theme. Without you speaking yet, the rounds could include some of the following:

A round where men speak about what they've witnessed in your Seb's life that's golden, naming his gifts and strengths.

A round of storytelling about a (very focused) lesson men wished they had learned or challenges they faced when they were Seb's age.

There can be a round where the men speak commitments (large and small) about how they'll support him on the next stage on his journey toward manhood.

You can have a round where each man gifts Seb with a small object that is imbued with special meaning prior to its presentation. The objects can all be gathered and presented to him in a bundle as a part of the closing.

A powerful final round would be the father and/or grandfather blessing. Either or both of you can then speak on the previous themes, name his gifts, beauty, strengths, and tell a personal story of a time when you witnessed Seb being amazing. You can make your commitments to him and then tell him how, in the challenges of adolescence ahead, you will be there for him (or whatever is true and in your heart). You may also want to give him a talisman and explain what it represents.

If it's appropriate and Seb is up for it, you could give him a chance to speak. But be prepared for him to not be willing or able.

CLOSING: After this powerful circle, you don't want the energy and intimacy that's been created to just dissipate into small talk. Close the circle with a ritual, perhaps spinning off from the opening. Blowing out a candle/fire, or something as simple as each man checking out with what he's taking away. A clean ending says the special time is over and we can now all go back to our "normal" ways of being together.

FOOD: If possible, you always want to feed the guys and a retreat to the food will be welcomed. The sharing of food and accompanying small talk after the event brings down the intensity in a good way. Maybe have other people from his life show up for the meal and to help celebrate Seb.

On the Man-Making website there is an article from a few years ago titled, A Young Man's Rite of Passage. It describes a similar passage experience created for the son of a friend of mine who was going off to college. There are many parallels in that story to what I'm suggesting here.

In the moment, everyone,
. . . will know just what to do.

Mostly, I hope you just head out on this adventure and listen for direction from Spirit. I believe men are hardwired for this work and once they are past their initial fears, the rightness, importance, and "how to's" of these events becomes clear. In the moment, everyone, including Seb, will know just what to do.

That's what I've got for a quick shot. Let me know what else I can do to make this idea a reality.

Blessings on your large grandfather's heart!

If this conversation moves you to want to do something similar, send me a quick message. I'm happy to help you think about what you might do.

Maybe, like me, you're wondering who you'd be today if you had the gift of knowing good men had your back during the hardest transitions in your life.

Let's do this men!

Follow @earlh

MAN-MAKING BLOG

April 4, 2016

Boys, Men and the Father Wound

March 14, 2016

A Mom Wants Heroes for Her Son

February 29, 2016

Nine Things Boys Need and Get from School Groups with Men

February 21, 2016

The ReUp Rap Contest that Healed the Hood

February 5, 2016

A Conversation About A Boy's Rite of Passage

Nine Things Boys Need and Get
from School Groups with Men