The Demise of Guys (and a Naked Jennifer Lopez?)

In the TED video below, Psychologist Philip Zimbardo asks, "Why are boys struggling?" Clearly, our young males are struggling on a number of scales mentioned by Mr. Zimbardo. However, I can't bring myself to agree with his diagnosis of the problem. Mr. Zimbardo says it's due to fear of intimacy, social shyness, and being unable to use, "the language of face contact." His term for this issue is, "Social Intensity Syndrome." Apparently it explains why guys prefer male bonding over "female mating." Using a logic I couldn't quite follow, according to Philip, Social Intensity Syndrome somehow explains why guys prefer to be with their buddies watching football on Superbowl Sunday than watching a naked Jennifer Lopez in a film. You'll have to listen to the clip below to see if you can understand that train of thought.

He does us all a service, however, in being another voice raising the issue of too much time spent by adolescent males in the two-dimensional world of the internet. He quotes data from Jane McGonigal, which claims, by age 21, boys have spent 10,000 hours playing internet games, with two-thirds of that time being in isolation. He also quotes Cindy Gallop, who believes as a result of adolescent boys watching 50+ porn clips a week, we are creating men who don't know the difference between making love and doing porn.

I don't agree boy shyness, their comfort being in a male pack, and love of watching any competition in which objects are flying through space is a new "syndrome." I also don't think young males having a vivid sexual fantasy life is in any way new or abnormal. In fact, I think those tendencies are all a natural and direct result of having a male brain and eons of accumulated masculine experience. The danger I do agree with is how the internet can put a powerful magnifying glass on those natural tendencies and ramp up their intensity for better and worse.

I do like that, in this TED video and many other places, there is a larger discussion taking place about how young male brains are being shaped in powerful and unhealthy ways by seductive and targeted digital media, designed to play on normal adolescent drives. Discussions about the issues of destructive media influences or technology-addicted kids need to happen. Those in the business of man-making for young guys, including parents, relatives, and men who want to show up as positive role models, all need to be able to discuss and offer reasonable guidelines to the magnetic draw of the digital universe. Actually being great role models, when it comes to technology use, is a great first step.

A quick internet search on media addiction and boys will turn up countless resources to help us all increase our techno-literacy in relation to our boys. I'll be reviewing some of the resources on this topic in future posts, but give this 5 minute clip by Mr. Zimbardo a listen and see what comes up for you.

If the clip isn't visible use this link.

---

LIKE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the "Like" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page!

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, go to this link for a free subscription.

ADD TO YOUR SITE: It's easy to have the Man-Making Blog posts appear on your organization's website. Send me a quick message and I'll tell you what it takes to get set up. To see an example of how it might look on your site, check out the blog page on the Man-Making website.

A Boy's Rage In A Bottle

My name is Asia an I am a youth at (a youth center). I a 17 year old boy an I have lost a lot of people. I am reading your book on grief and loss. It is a good book. But I need help on other things to.

My mom is strung out on every drug you can think of. When I was 2 my mom sold me to a drug deler to pay them off for a deal. They put me in a floded basment and beat me. I spnt my life in the streets gangin and fightn. I shoot people, robed people shoot up peoples house n all that stuff. I wach my cousin get shoot in the face 7 times and that made me mad so I want to get even wit people and hut them. I hated the world. I hated everyone I seen. I got in lots of fights.

My grandad passd away and I had no one to go to but the streets. Every place the court sent me to I hurt people. Then I got lock up. It is hard, hurts I have alot lockd up inside me an I have been taking all this out on others all my life.

My life sucks. I never talk to no one. You are the only one I told this to. I think about killing my self all the time. Can you help me.

Asia
I hurt but never cry
I love but never loved
And still I stand

---

Dear Asia,

Thanks for writing me and sharing your story (and powerful drawing). I’m glad to hear you’re reading my book on grief and loss and I thank you for the compliment. I’m glad you like the book, I hope you find it helpful. It was written for young kids like you.

It makes me very sad and angry at the world that you, or any young dude, should be put through what you’ve experienced. My heart goes out to you. It’s hard for me, someone who knows a lot about the topic of grief and loss, to really understand how deep and crushing your sadness must be . . . . . and how strong a man you must be to deal with it all. It must be very difficult to hold all that pain inside you, and I can imagine you want to end it all sometimes.

From my experience, I do know that letting out that sadness, pain, and anger, in non-destructive ways, is where you have to start. I don’t know how you can do that, but keeping all that inside is like a poison. It  will make you crazy and keep you violent if you don’t. I’ve written to other guys in jail and I know that looking tough, being strong, and being on guard is necessary for survival. On the other hand, letting out the big feelings in the bottle you drew means being vulnerable, trusting someone, even letting down your guard. Eventually, doing that will make you a stronger man, but I don’t know how to tell you to do that where you are.

I do know that your true power as a man, your gifts, and so much that is awesome about you lies buried under all that hurt and sadness. Until that burden lifts, we won’t get to see the real “you.”

You are smart enough to read a book on the topic, and have enough faith to write to a guy you don’t know and share a little of your story. Those are good signs . . . really good signs. I’m proud of you for taking that risk. It gives me hope for you cuz you’re moving in the right direction. I hope you keep on taking those risks.

You asked me if I can help you. My response is that I can support you, but only you can help yourself. It will take real courage to face all that pain you have inside, but that’s my wish for you. You are worth it man. Take the risk. I’m on your side and I'm here for you.

Earl Hipp

Asia is out in the world now, living in Detroit, trying to be a good dad, struggling, but standing strong.

---

LIKE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the "Like" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page!

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, go to this link for a free subscription.  

ADD TO YOUR SITE: It's easy to have the Man-Making Blog posts appear on your organization's website. Send me a quick message and I'll tell you what it takes to get set up. To see an example of how it might look on your site, check out the blog page on the Man-Making website.

Walters Wacky (Mentoring) Adventure

Gary Walters is one of my heroes. I love when people take action on their values, and this man happens to very much believe in having good adults mentor young people. So much so that he is riding a bike across the US to raise money for his favorite mentoring organization, Kinship Partners of Brainerd Minnesota.

In this photo Gary is shown with his son Jackson and daughter Jessica who will be joining their dad on this considerable challenge. The ride has an unusual route in that the family departed Brainerd, MN on July 15 and biked to the East coast. From there they will fly to Seattle, WA on the West coast and ride back to Minnesota, arriving on or about Sept. 6. That is a total of 3287 road miles with plenty of challenges along the way. By the time this post is published they will be just about in Seattle and ready to start the West to East leg.

For the record, this is the NINTH YEAR in a row that Gary has put his belief in mentoring and giving back to the community into action via a physical test of endurance. To learn more about these feats, and possibly make a donation to support Gary's fundraising efforts, go to his donation page. In addition to those contributions, all donations submitted through September 6th using the "Donate" button on the Man-Making Blog homepage will be forwarded to Gary at the conclusion of his ride.

You can follow the family's adventures and "Like" them on their Facebook page at this link. I'm sure they would appreciate a message of encouragement.

For his solid and unwavering commitment to mentoring, Gary is included in the Man-Making Hall of Heroes. If you know of another Man-Making hero who deserves some praise, please send along your nominations . . . or better yet, become one!

---

LIKE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the "Like" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page!

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, go to this link for a free subscription.

ADD TO YOUR SITE: It's easy to have the Man-Making Blog posts appear on your organization's website. Send me a quick message and I'll tell you what it takes to get set up. To see an example of how it might look on your site, check out the blog page on the Man-Making website.