Mentoring Young Men Toward Healthy Sexuality

One of the more challenging aspects of becoming a man is navigating the mine field of male sexuality. Every adult man can remember the powerful sexual feelings, as well as the anxiety and confusion around sex they experienced as a teen. While this is a huge topic, a step toward addressing this challenge comes from a regular Man-Making Blog contributor, Tim Wernette. Tim is a Gender Equity Educational Specialist with the University of Arizona, and in this post he describes a helpful book on this important topic. Apparently, we can now add myths about men and sex to the list of barriers between a young man and a healthy male sexuality.

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Our society is very schizophrenic about sexuality. On the surface it seems like we’re open about sex because it seems to be everywhere. You see allusions to sexuality in films, product advertising, in popular music, and even in the video games young guys are playing. Certainly internet access has made sexual images and information almost universally available for better and worse. And then there are the sordid tales of male sexual perpetrators so often in the news these days. With all that going on, there is often not enough good and credible information about sex and sexuality available from trusted sources. The result is a confusing prescription for healthy teen sexuality, and some powerful myths our young guys (and some men) will have to deal with on their way to manhood.

In his book, The New Male Sexuality, Bernie Zilbergeld explores some of the subtle myths about male sexuality which boys and men often encounter. These messages are clearly seen in pornography, but occur in other parts of the culture, too. If you’re not aware of them, these myths almost guarantee problems and pain in relationships if they are internalized by our young men. Here are just a few:

(For a full list go to the end of the post.)

Men Are Always Ready and Willing to Have Sex: The truth is males are not always ready to go, and can certainly have pre-conditions for having sex just as women do. In fact, the author, in his research, discovered 30% of men felt, at least sometimes, that sex was a burden. This “always willing” message discourages males from understanding, acknowledging and respecting their own terms for physical (or any kind of) intimacy. Feeling like you should always be ready to have sex can easily lead to embarrassment, sexual dysfunction, and other problems in relationships.

Sexuality = Performance = Competence: For many boys/men, sex becomes a proving ground for our sense of masculinity. A young man who has lots of partners is considered a “stud” or “player,” and often looked up to by other males. The irony is that the more pressure a male feels to perform, the more likely he is to have sexual problems. This message encourages males to consider sex as another platform on which to achieve success (and risk failure), and interferes with intimacy with one’s partner.

Size matters: This one is ancient in guy lore. As young men, we see all the (normally) different sized penises in locker rooms or even in pornography. Lacking a broad enough sample, questions about the size of your member and how that relates to performance, not to mention virility, easily come to mind. The truth is a short course on female anatomy and intimacy will quickly help a young man realize sexual pleasure, yours or hers, has very little to do with penis size or even shape, and is more about the chemistry between two people that count.

As adult male mentors and role models, we should consider these (and other) poor messages about sex and sexuality we have grown up with. If we take the time to explore the problems they have created for us, both our struggles and successes in overcoming them, we’ll have important wisdom to offer the young men in our lives. In sex and sexuality, as in all aspects of becoming a man, our young men need our support on their journey toward manhood.

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Tim is so right, good men can be an enormous help to young guys in taking on this critical component of becoming a good man. Men can support young males by offering credible information when asked, sharing personal experiences as appropriate, and inviting young guys to talk about their thoughts, feelings, and confusion.

In this era of sexual abuse scandals, there is an increased need for solid and informed men who are willing to talk to young males about sex and sexuality. HOWEVER and almost sadly, to protect those men and boys today, we have to be sure those conversations take place in safe and appropriate settings.

To see a full listing of the myths about male sexuality, and a whole lot of other myth-busting and high quality data on the topic of sexuality in general, go to the Sexuality Education Resource Centre of Manitoba website.

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Standing Strong or Saggin?

Sagging is a fashion trend where a young male will wear his pants so far below his waist that his often brightly colored and patterned 'boxer' underwear is on full display. One theory is it's origins came from the U.S. prison system where belts are prohibited as a safety measure. In the 90's, hip-hop and rappers popularized the fashion in their dress and music.

For generations, young people have always found ways to offend the adult taste and sensibilities when it comes to dress. My generation did it in the late 60's and early 70's with strange hair and weird clothing. It was our way to say to our parents, "we're not you, and we're choosing our own path whether you like it or not!" During that time, we felt we were making a statement about the horrors of the Vietnam war and taking a stand for peace by wearing our own uniform. We felt we were standing for something right and noble. I'm sure many saggers feel they are taking a stand, too; it's just not clear to me what it's all about.

Since the 90's, in the U.S., schools, churches, communities, transit authorities, airlines and some states have passed rules, regulations, and even laws to limit sagging. The boys who wear their pants down too low at the Westside Middle School in Memphis, Tennessee get “Urkelized,” a campaign named after the nerdy and  lovable nerd Steve Urkel from the 90's sitcom, Family Matters. At the school, the principle first talks to the young man to try to convince him to hike up his pants. Then the school calls the child’s parents. If that fails, zip ties are used to tighten the pant’s waistline. Principal White says this is all to guide his students to look their best and to think more about pride, passion and professionalism- not to mention have a little fun in the process.

In his 2008 campaign, President Obama weighed in on the issue on MTV. While stating that laws banning the practice were pretty much "a waste of time," he went on to imply it was really a matter of decency. Here's the rest of his quote.

"Having said that, brothers should pull up their pants. You are walking by your mother, your grandmother, your underwear is showing. What's wrong with that? Come on. Some people might not want to see your underwear. I’m one of them."

To take the sagging issue one step deeper, I love how one of my brothers in mission, Mustafa Mahdi, put it in a recent Facebook post:

Ever wonder what would happen if our daughters were wearing their pants or skirts below their behind and crotch in public? They won't do it because they know their mothers or society won't allow it and they'd be arrested immediately for indecent exposure!

It's obvious this ridiculous, disgusting sagging fad is promoted in the media and by their puppet rappers for one reason...to make young black males a target. Sagging is typically accompanied by bad behavior, cussing, delinquency, drug use, gang affiliation, and criminal activity. It's just a matter of time before they are arrested or killed...unless someone or something intervenes to help a young man to see that he is not a thug, but a human being with a higher calling.

In 2013, we men must make a commitment to become more engaged in the lives of our children...treat our wives, women, sisters, mothers and daughters and sons with dignity and respect. Then we have to select at least one male child who does not have a father in his life and become his "father figure" or big brother...and teach him what authentic manhood is all about.

In the words of my dear brother Henry Carter, "when the man stands up, the boys sit down"...calling all men! Stand up and man up or sit down and shut up...if you ain't for the solution, you're part of the problem!

Having good and caring men involved in the lives of fatherless, under-male-parented, or really any boys, may not be a cure for bad taste in attire. But it will go a long way toward helping young men stand strong for themselves in the face of all the challenges they have on the path to becoming solid men.

Here is a video that was created in response to a Florida law restricting sagging. It's a rap tune called “Pull Ya Pantz Up.” I really like it!

If the clip doesn't show, use this link

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A Brief Word about Movember and Your Face

In 2010, I offered a blog post about International Men's Day and the launch of the United States Movember initiative. Simply stated, Movember is the combination of Mustache + November. It's the name of a global campaign to raise awareness and funds for men's health issues, specifically prostate and testicular cancer initiatives. The idea is that men's mustaches become the "ribbon" men wear to show their support of the campaign's goals. Men then become walking, talking billboards about men's health for the 30 days of November. As they say, the idea is to grow, show and connect with your fellow Mo's.

To support Movember, you can simply grow a "Mo," or go to the Movember website in your respective country and register. You can register as an individual and start collecting donations on your Mo Space, or you can create a team of brothers from work, neighborhood, or campus and fund-raise together. In many places there are big celebrations and even prizes awarded at the end of the month. Here is the link to the U.S. Movember website.

I love the addition this year of a smart phone app for Mos on the go! With this digital tool, you can connect with others in the campaign or on your team, and watch the progress of your personal or team's fundraising. I'm assuming there is also a way to post the progress your face is making!

Personally, I like the idea of men, as a group, taking a stand for purely male health issues. I think it's not only a great cause, but it's good for young men to witness men as a group taking action in service to a good cause. Of course, I support all those pink initiatives and the awareness and good women's work that is resulting. But I do feel a little masculine pride seeing my male friends and relatives growing Mo's. My wish is that men will like the feeling of being united around a masculine cause, and maybe the next one will be men showing up for boys.

Just below is a fun clip tracking the growth in this movement from the 30 Mo Bros who started this initiative in Melbourne, Australia in 2003, to the 854,288 registered Mo's in 2011. The initial Mo Bros didn't raise much more than awareness, but the 2011 campaign raised over 126.3 million dollars to support prostate and testicular cancer.

If the clip isn't visible use this link.

As they say, Movember, through the power of the mustache, has become a truly global movement that is changing the face of men's health. It's not too late to get started for even a shadow of a mustache in November makes you an advocate for men's health. In the challenge to do something about prostrate and testicular cancers, every mustache makes a difference.

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ABSENT - The Fight to Get Fatherhood Back

Last February, I did a blog post about a great film on fatherlessness, titled Absent, by Justin Hunt. The film speaks to the powerful emotional wound that always results from the absence of a father in a young person’s life. In that blog post, you can learn more about the film, read some of the sad data about the costs of absent fathers, and see a clip from the film.

Absent has been shown in cities all over the U.S. and in countries around the world, including Spain, Egypt, South Africa, Germany, France, England, and Australia. That’s because the issue of absent fathers is just that big and universal.

The film is continuing to get spectacular reviews because of its brutally honest approach to the topic and intimate way it addresses this painful issue. In the film, the director, Justin Hunt, interviews prominent men, and has emotionally charged exchanges with prostitutes, homeless people, and even a world champion boxer.

This is a film I like so much, I’d like it to get all the exposure possible. I recommend having the film shown in your men’s group, faith community, neighborhood center, or anywhere people can be gathered. You could even partner with a Boy’s and Girl’s Club, Big Brothers, Big Sisters organization, or any mentoring group in your community for support. I'm certain if you raise this flag, people will come. You can request a screening of Absent for your community by going to the absentmovie.com website.

At some level, we all know this problem exists. We see the evidence every night on the news. If at all possible, please help increase awareness of what I call an epidemic of under-male-nourished boys and the costs we all incur when fathers are not part of their children's lives. Please join Justin Hunt and the rest of us in the fight to “get fatherhood back.”

In the video clip below you will hear from people who have seen the Absent film. When I watched it, I heard two loud messages: “The prognosis (for kids, our communities, and our world) isn't good,” and, it’s a moving film that, “gives you hope.”

If the clip isn't visible use this link.

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