ABSENT - The Fight to Get Fatherhood Back

Last February, I did a blog post about a great film on fatherlessness, titled Absent, by Justin Hunt. The film speaks to the powerful emotional wound that always results from the absence of a father in a young person’s life. In that blog post, you can learn more about the film, read some of the sad data about the costs of absent fathers, and see a clip from the film.

Absent has been shown in cities all over the U.S. and in countries around the world, including Spain, Egypt, South Africa, Germany, France, England, and Australia. That’s because the issue of absent fathers is just that big and universal.

The film is continuing to get spectacular reviews because of its brutally honest approach to the topic and intimate way it addresses this painful issue. In the film, the director, Justin Hunt, interviews prominent men, and has emotionally charged exchanges with prostitutes, homeless people, and even a world champion boxer.

This is a film I like so much, I’d like it to get all the exposure possible. I recommend having the film shown in your men’s group, faith community, neighborhood center, or anywhere people can be gathered. You could even partner with a Boy’s and Girl’s Club, Big Brothers, Big Sisters organization, or any mentoring group in your community for support. I'm certain if you raise this flag, people will come. You can request a screening of Absent for your community by going to the absentmovie.com website.

At some level, we all know this problem exists. We see the evidence every night on the news. If at all possible, please help increase awareness of what I call an epidemic of under-male-nourished boys and the costs we all incur when fathers are not part of their children's lives. Please join Justin Hunt and the rest of us in the fight to “get fatherhood back.”

In the video clip below you will hear from people who have seen the Absent film. When I watched it, I heard two loud messages: “The prognosis (for kids, our communities, and our world) isn't good,” and, it’s a moving film that, “gives you hope.”

If the clip isn't visible use this link.

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Criteria For Initiating A Young Male

In a conversation recently, I had occasion to revisit the idea that an adolescent male, poised to step out on to his journey to manhood, should know some things. In the way old days, in tribal cultures, that training took a long time. The boys, as the next generation of men, HAD to get it. The community's survival depended on it. Granted, today's world is vastly different, but none-the-less, our young men need to be prepared. I'm talking about the "How To Live" skills beyond the obvious tools we're hoping they are getting in school (different conversation). So what would be on your list of things a boy should know before he was intentionally initiated and accepted into the world of men?

A few years ago, I remembered receiving the following list from my brother in mission, Mustafa Mahdi, the director of The Rising Son, Inc., in Atlanta, GA. While The Rising Son mission has changed some over the years, I love his list of what was required of his young males before they could get an Elder recommendation for a rite of passage experience. In this case, a boy could start working anytime after his twelfth birthday, and if the tasks were completed, he could be sent up for initiation when he was sixteen.

• Maintain a "B" average or above in school.
• Cleans room and assists with household chores.
• Can prepare a complete meal for the entire family.
• Knows how to plant and maintain a vegetable garden.
• Knows how to fish, hunt and cook small game.
• Knows how to save a life (Basic CPR/First Aid skills).
• Knows how to swim the length of an olympic pool.
• Can run at least 1 mile in 10 minutes or less.
• Knows basic auto repair and maintenance.
• Knows basic carpentry, electrical and plumbing repair.
• Has completed Domestic Violence Prevention workshop.
• Has completed Abstinence & Male/Female Relationship workshop.
• Has a basic knowledge of self-defense and conflict resolution.
• Has a minimum of $100.00 in a savings account.
• Has completed a driver's safety course & has a learner's permit.
• Has visited a local college and met with an academic advisor.
• Has visited a technical vocational school & met with an advisor.
• Has selected a "Career Coach" working in his chosen profession.
• Can draw a "Family Tree" listing all living relatives.  

What would be on your list?

More importantly, who was the man that helped guide YOU through the maze of masculine competencies?

What happens to boys who don't have men to show them even the basics?

If you have some suggestions for the list or a comment about teaching boys to be men in this way, send an email to me at Earl at Man-Making dot com, or add it to the Comments section of this post on the Man-Making Blog homepage.

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Banged Up Boys, Boats, and Masculine Gravity

I still remember the smell of sawdust that hit me when I entered my first woodworking shop. I'm an older man and I attended that class way back in the day when "shop" was what the boys did in elementary school while the girls were baking cookies upstairs. The shop teacher, Mr. Alexander, was a burly man's man and he ruled his domain with an attitude of competence, and a powerful respect for the danger and creative power of his tools.

The wood shop held about eight work benches, saws, hammers, and what appeared to me to be lots of generally strange and dangerous stuff. After learning the rules of working around all the equipment, we were introduced to a pattern of the object we were to create from the pile of the lumber in the corner. After studying that map, we proceeded to learn about wood, measuring, sawing, sandpaper, screws, staining, and all the tools required for those tasks. I'm sure you can imagine the chaos that ensued.

That experience remains a happy memory today, and I still have and use the little footstool that resulted from my time in that class. Mr. Alexander's shop was one of my early introductions to the world of men. It had a powerful impact on my self-esteem and 11-year-old sense of what it meant to be a man.

For most young males, working with tools of any kind is a doorway into the world of men. In this post I want to describe the wonderful chemistry that can happen when a man takes the risk to share his shop, workbench, tools, and his experience with boys. While this work can take many forms, both of these stories have to do with boats.

The first is about what happened to John Connell, a man who loves restoring old canoes. John was a teacher in a school that featured alternative educational programs for what he calls “banged up kids.” “We had an open house and a guy asked if I wanted an old canoe for the kids to work on,” he said. From that moment on, John's life and the lives of many kids were changed forever. You can read the whole story at this link. As you might guess, John is about building good kids as much as canoes. He says, “A canoe can be a vehicle to learn about work, authority, and initiation,” he said. “The kids find pride and accomplishment in finishing a boat.”

Another man, Brad Buxton, had some men friends that were passionate about wooden boats. They eventually decided that their interest in the craft would be a good thing to share with young men. They managed to get some shop space donated at a shopping center and started inviting other men and boys. It is now 15 years later and Urban Boat Builders (UBB) is a not-for-profit organization that has served 2,700+ teens, interacted with 38 juvenile justice programs, public schools, charter schools and neighborhood organizations, and now has over 175+ wooden boats built ranging from 9' long to 25' long. You can learn more about UBB on their website.

If you are a man with a passion for tools, or stamps, or birds, or hunting, or ?????, consider taking the risk to share it with a group of young guys. What I call Masculine Gravity may just take over and result in many lives, including yours, being changed forever.

Do you have a story about a man who shared his interests with you when you were a kid? If you're willing, please do send it along to me, or add it to the comments section of this post.

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The Mentoring Journal

It's not often you hear about an actual "tool," you can use to enhance the quality of the connection between an adult and a young person. That's why I was interested when I learned about the Mentoring Journal. The Journal is the most recently published resource from the Friends for Youth Mentoring Institute. Its a spiral-bound, 122 page, collection of resources for mentors and their mentees. It's currently being used by almost 1,500 mentor/mentee matches in programs around the US. It can also be a valuable publication for anyone who is in a supportive relationship with a young person.

The Mentoring Journal contains lots of activity ideas, stickers, and suggestions for goal-setting in the relationship. There are places for a mentor and a mentee to create a diary or log of their shared experiences, room for photos, and even some guidance for a respectful closure of the match should that be necessary. It's a great way to be more intentional about co-creating your connection, to document the history of your relationship, and capture those special memories that you've shared.

If you want to learn more about how to use the Mentoring Journal in your relationship with a young person, or within a formal mentoring program, Friends for Youth is offering a FREE webinar on Tuesday, October 26, 2010 from 10:00 – 11:30 AM (PDT). Go to this link to learn more about the webinar and to sign up if you're interested.

If you are aware of any other resources that could support someone involved with a formal mentoring relationship, or who just has a young person in their life they are connected to, please tell me about it. I'm happy to share it here.

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How to Start a Man-Making Group

This is a very funny, but instructive video is about both leadership and how to start a "movement." Given that new Man-Making initiatives are sometimes hard to launch, I believe the lessons in this "Dancing Guy" training might just inspire you to action. You may be very surprised to learn who the "real" leader is when getting a movement started.

The young males in your world are waiting for a "movement" where men show up to support and guide them. There are clear instructions here for how to get started. Let me know if it works.

If the clip doesn't show up, click here.

OMG! Teens, Texting, and Driving! STANDUP!

Did you know that car crashes are the number one killer of teens in the US? That amounts to about 5000 kids dying every year, making up twelve percent of all individuals involved in car crash deaths. Here is another number to chew on. In a survey by The Allstate Foundation, titled: Chronic: A Report on Teen Safe Driving, fifty-six percent of teens say they make or answer cell phone calls while driving. AND, and this is the OMG part (that's Oh My God for non-texters), thirteen percent of teens say they make or respond to text messages while driving!

The report also found that teens have the lowest percentage of seat belt use, are most vulnerable to peer pressure from others in the car, and are very uncomfortable speaking up when friends aren't driving safely. Now that is a prescription for danger . . .  and the data is worse for teen boys. It's really a call for some serious man-making.

There is help in the works and it's called the STANDUP Act. The Safe Teen and Novice Driver Uniform Protection Act of 2009 was introduced in April 2009 by Reps. Tim Bishop (D-NY), Michael Castle (R-DE), and Chris Van Hollen, Jr. (D-MD).  This legislation would establish minimum federal requirements for state GDL laws (National Graduated Driver Licensing) and encourage all states to adopt GDL laws that meet the minimum requirements within 3 years. Here is a quick overview the STANDUP Act:

States must meet the following requirements under the STANDUP Act:

Three stages of licensing – learner’s permit, intermediate stage, and full licensure – should be used

Age 16 should be the earliest age for entry into the learner’s permit process

Nighttime driving while unsupervised should be restricted during the learner’s permit and intermediate stages, until full licensure at age 18

Driving while using communication devices (cell phone calls, texting) should be prohibited at least until full licensure at age 18

Unrestricted, full licensure should occur no earlier than age 18

Passengers should be restricted – no more than one non-familial passenger under age 21 unless a licensed driver over age 21 is in the vehicle – until full licensure at age 18

The Allstate Foundation research indicates that in states with comprehensive GDL programs in place, fatal crashes of 16 year old drivers has fallen by 40% . . . but that is not good enough.

If you have teen drivers in your life, it really is time to have that conversation about cell phones and driving . . . and then to be careful what you're modeling around phones and driving in their presence. You can also go to the Allstate Teen Driver Website for all kinds of helpful resources. They have data, instructional videos, petitions to sign, and even a Parent-Teen Driving Contract.

Let's all do what we can 
to prevent more OMG's

Tough Guise

The program Tough Guise - Violence, Media, and the Crisis in Masculinity, was recently brought to my attention. It's a program from the Media Education Foundation that discusses how young males learn to be violent from the media and other influences around them. The result is young males putting on their Tough Guise disguise and getting into a lot of trouble.

The campaign was done in 1999, and while just a little dated, it's a great primer on this topic. Just below is a short film clip used to introduce the program. It's guaranteed to make you a little uncomfortable. You can view the full length version at the Media Education Foundation website as well as find a very helpful study guide, and complete transcript of the film. You can also order the DVD from Amazon.

If you want to take on the topic of male violence for and with a group of young males, this collection will almost get you there. I'm certain that the young males you might involve in the discussions would be quick to name the current music and media sources promoting ideas of violence and manhood.

If you have used this program, or if you are aware of other resources on the theme of violence and manhood, please let us know. I'll put your comments on this blog post and add any recommend tools to the resources listed on the Man-Making website.

If the clip doesn't show, click here.

Coaching Boys into Men - A Handbook

Many of the men reading this will have a story about their coach and the difference he made in his life. A man who took on the responsibility to shape a rag-tag group of testosterone fueled young males into a competitive team. "Coach," was a man who cared about you and who wielded the power and influence to teach not just athletic skills, but to instill the values of respect for others, teamwork, patience, tolerance for differences, and personal integrity along the way. If you have a coach like that in your background, tell us about him with a short remembrance in the comments section of this post.

Because of the power of a coach in a young male's life, it's not surprising that coaches as a group are being singled out as a force for changing the world as man-makers. One example is the focus on coaches in conjunction with the FIFA Soccer World Cup tournament in South Africa in 2010. UNICEF is planning to use the excitement surrounding the games to launch its Sports for Development Program. UNICEF has partnered with the South African Department of Education to reinvigorate a sports program called Coaching Boys into Manhood (CBIM).

The intention is to recreate a new International Coaches Manual based on concepts from the original Coaching Boys into Men Playbook, and enlist international celebrity soccer coaches and players, such as David Beckham, as “teachers” of violence prevention. Then CBIM will be distributed around South Africa, providing 585 schools and communities with coaches who will serve as liaisons between the school community, governing bodies, and key stakeholders in the effort to improve the lives of children.

Check out the CBIM playbook. It describes the FIFA Fair Play Code and has quotes like the following to inspire and challenge men and coaches everywhere:

By encouraging players to build healthy relationships with teammates, friends, families, opponents, referees and fans, and by promoting a non-violent environment on and off the playing field, coaches can help create a more peaceful world.

And really solid young men.

If you're a coach, thanks for your man-making. You are a gift to us all. You may find the Coaches Corner and the Coaches Kit on a website of the Family Violence Prevention Fund to be helpful.

My Father's Workbench

Just below is a shortened version of a story sent to me by a blog subscriber named Martin Brossman. He's titled it, My Father’s Workbench. You can read the whole story at Martin's blog on the topic.

His story speaks of not only the power of fathers in a boy's life, but the attraction for all males to tools, building and fixing things, and what might be called "sacred male space." If you want to get any boy's attention, just haul out the tools or gear.

Please let me know what this story cooks up for you. You can send me an email or post your reactions in the comments area of this post on the Man-Making blog.

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On my 50th birthday in April, I spent the day taking both my parents to two doctor appointments, an exhausting time for them and me. At the end of the day, I went into the basement of their home, the Washington, D.C. house where I grew up, to find a quiet moment. Finding myself standing in front of Dad’s workbench. I got out my cell phone and took a picture.

Later when I looked at that photo, I knew why I had choked up a few weeks before when I stood in my just-built garage in Raleigh, when I was deciding where my new workbench would go. Looking at Dad’s old bench made me realize just how deeply I have always wanted a place to have a home-made workbench like his, one where I could work on household repairs and make things. Most of all I wanted a big sturdy bench where I could properly mount my red vice that I have carried with me from three places I have lived.

I realized, too, that creating my own workbench is connecting me back to the time as a kid when I worked with my father at his workbench. It was where Dad always started house jobs from, and where we ended house jobs by putting away the tools. It was part of connecting with my Dad, who worked a lot but still had time for us to do things. It was not the cleanest workbench and that is part of what made it great. . . .

From the “men’s work” that I have been involved in, to my work with The Triangle Men’s Center, I have learned a lot in the past decade or so about the mental wounds that can occur in men’s lives due to an absent or abusive father. I have met so many men who never had this element in their life, who never had a Dad who included them in house jobs, or experienced a family workbench that held the tools they used together. . . .

Even though my father is on dialysis and much weaker now, I know he will be glad to see a picture of the workbench I am going to build in my garage. It will be ready to photograph when I attach that red vice that mounts with 4 big bolts on its right-hand corner. Over time, my workbench will collect its own holes and nicks from the projects I imagine happening on it. I’ll have to remember to take a picture years from now.

Thanks Dad, for introducing me to the workbench. You weren’t just teaching me handyman skills, you were modeling patience and confidence, and how to carve out a small space for peaceful enjoyment . I hope to keep sharing this valuable message with other men who might be missing the importance of a workbench in their life.

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Martin Brossman is the founder of The Men's Inquiry and the author of Finding Our Fire: Enhancing Men's Connection to Heart, Passion and Strength. He can be reached at: Martin@CoachingSupport.com