MAN-MAKING BLOG: maturity

Showing posts with label maturity. Show all posts

March 21, 2022

Adolescent Roman Male Rites of Passage

In a recent article in the online history publication, The Past, there was a great article about the Children of the Roman Empire. It examines what life was like for young people, the children of the "gods, emperors, and ordinary mortals in ancient Rome."

Of special interest to me was reading, yet again, about how earlier civilizations have dealt with managing adolescent male energy. It helps to know the Romans also struggled with containing and channeling wild boy energy.

The article centers around an exhibition in the famous Uffizi gallery in Florence, Italy. The exhibits include over 30 statues, funerary objects, and even toys from around Italy and the world. These items speak to the theme of childhood (human and divine) in the Roman world some 2000 years ago.

The article offered much about the Uffizi and the Medici collection of art and statues. But there was also a lot of information about how the Romans birthed, raised, and often buried (25% mortality) their children, orphans, and the "children of the poor" and enslaved.

"... a defining moment when a young man
would give up his boyhood clothing
and don the white toga of an adult."

There was brief mention of a rite of passage for an adolescent male. It was called the "Ceremony of the Toga Virilis," which would occur sometime around his 14th year. This was a defining moment when a young man would give up his boyhood clothing and don the white toga of an adult. It led to his acceptance of full Roman Citizenship and stepping into the rights and responsibilities of manhood. I find it hard to believe that a 14-year-old male could simply step into manhood with a change of clothes. I want to believe that clothing swap required training and preparation, but the article does not cover that process.

The article also speaks to the passage lessons and experiences of young women. Many of whom could be engaged at age 12 and married at 13 in relationships arranged by the father.

I liked learning about the perennial conversations, some still relevant today, about how to educate our children, the nature and quality of the education system, and what it took to produce "useful citizens in peace and war."

I guess the deep message here is how we are not alone with the age-old challenges of doing our best for our children, and helping them move toward the ever-illusive adulthood.

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November 30, 2021

Teens – No Driver’s License and No Car! Maybe Ever!

Getting my driver’s license was one of my early teenage rites of passage. I couldn't wait for so many reasons and it was a big day when it finally happened. As is natural in most passage experiences, there were real trials on the path to getting my license. First, I had to study the arcane details that make up the “rules of the road” to get my permit. And then came the many tests of my ability such as staying in a lane, observing pedestrians, making full stops, obeying the speed limit, and the dreaded parallel parking. But it was all worth it to get the license and become a legal driver.

For me, it was not just that I could be in charge of 2000 pounds of steel and fly down the road, but much more. Driving meant escape from the pressure cooker of our small family house and all its tensions. It meant I had status among my non-driving pals and could easily pull them together for common adventures. I could often drive to school, rising above the demeaning wait and riding on the school bus. It meant I had a new and private space for hanging out with girls and that new world of emerging sexuality. Very simply stated, a driver’s license made my world much bigger geographically and opened countless doors of discovery.

...it was a golden chariot to me.

I quickly grew attached to all the excitement and possibilities of having access to a car, and it wasn’t long before I wanted my own. My first car was a beat up, black, 57 Volkswagen. The seats were badly worn, it often smelled like gas, the windshield wipers were hardly functional, it had dings and rust on the body, and it barely had enough heat in the winter to keep the windows defrosted much less provide any comfort. But it was a golden chariot to me. That’s why I was surprised to learn that for many young people, getting a driver’s license today, much less a car is NOT the exciting rite of passage it was for me.

. . . getting a driver’s license today is NOT
the exciting rite of passage it was for me.

In 2019, StudentMoveTO, a research partnership of ten colleges and universities in Canada, surveyed 18,500 students at ten post-secondary institutions across the Toronto and Hamilton area. They discovered More than twenty-two per cent of survey respondents said they didn’t have a driver’s license. The group’s research also found that sixty-five per cent of students who did have a driver’s license didn’t own a car, and of those, just fifteen per cent indicated they would buy a car in the future. So much for golden chariots!

Some of the reasons given for avoiding car ownership and driving included good access to public transit services (83 per cent), all the costs associated with driving and owning a car (66 per cent), and the negative impacts of driving on the environment (50 per cent).

When you realize that with a few taps on your smartphone you can call up Uber and Lyft and quickly go where every you like without paying car insurance, parking, maintenance, and car repairs, it does make sense. Not to mention the availability of electric scooters and bikes appearing everywhere in major cities.

You can read more about this topic in a recent article in the Toronto Star or on the website of StudentMoveTO.

I do get the world is changing, and less driving for all of us is really a good thing. But sitting here in this moment, I do miss my golden chariot, and all the trials and joys that came with it.

Do you remember your first "golden chariot?

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September 11, 2015

Farting, Fellowship, and Forgiveness

NOTE: I'll be traveling in Spain for the month of September. Here is a popular post from the archive.

Let's just start with the forgiveness. For those of you easily offended, please forgive me. In my world, this topic just seems to float by every so often. After all, this is a blog about men and boys, and while it's awkward to admit, occasionally taking pleasure in, or laughing at, the passing gas seems to be embedded in the male DNA. So this post is about using information about flatulence to connect with boys . . . OK, males.

Women have a more dignified relationship with this part of the human experience, and are most often offended by any attention focused on the passing of gas. Males however, especially the young dudes, clearly have a more celebratory relationship with this bodily function.

This time the topic was brought to my attention by a mom who had been transporting a car full of young guys, when one of them passed some Serious Gas. Of course, this sent the other guys into fits of laughter, and vain attempts of the boys to match the original “call.” The mom said it was just gross and the last straw. She was offended, really was frustrated, tired of the joke, and just didn't get it. Not all moms feel that way, however.

On The Stir is a blog especially for moms. A recent edition had an article about a young boy who was actually given detention for farting on a school bus and causing a major ruckus. The mom in the article did express some boy-literacy when she said, You know, I don't like anyone smelling up an enclosed space any more than the next gal, but farting is practically an art form for a pre-teen boy. She also allowed that the young man, in his gaseous statement, had . . . just bought himself a one-way ticket to popularity-ville. At least until he starts getting really interested in what the girls think.

I have a theory about male farting. Perhaps we can attribute the joy our young guys (males) take in creative flatulence to our cave dwelling ancestors? Think about it. These guys, prior to football on TV, would spend a lot of time just sitting around the fire with not much to do or say. I can imagine them relaxing after chowing down on a big meal of mastodon, or kangaroo, or venison, and being a little groggy with the digestive process. With nothing else to do and zero social constraints, I'm sure the passing of gas was a major source of entertainment. Because they were guys, I’m also pretty sure competition would eventually commence. From my experience with men, and as a man, I just know this did happen down through time and all around the world. Ancient history there.

When farting is outlawed, only outlaws will fart!

I liked another explanation of why boys fart from a blog actually dedicated to that particular art form. The author of Farting for Boys, I suspect a young male, responded to the question, Why do boys like farting? He said, Because it's gross, unkempt, from the body, and discouraged by society. When farting is outlawed, only outlaws fart, and boys like to be outlaws. If enjoying "dumb humor" is criticized, boys would rather be dumb. The more it's hated by others, the funnier it is to do, and the more they enjoy doing it. If you visit Farting for Boys - (UPDATE! Since the publication of this post, the Farting for Boys blog has been taken down by Blogger. In doing so they obliterated another creative, but boyish expression of the truth.

When I describe the draft of this post to a couple of my men friends, the response was a smile, an “of course,” and encouragement to let it fly. Having also been through the gaseous part of boyhood and adolescence, they nostalgically remembered the strange form of fragrant bonding that comes from that particular form of male “sharing.” The simultaneously occurring feelings are disgust, compassion, humor, jealousy, and occasionally awe, that unites males in a pack. If you want to endear yourself to a group of young guys, tell a fart joke, or better yet, offer them the real thing. You'll endear yourself to them forever.

If you really want to impress the young dudes (and some of your men friends), here are some fun facts about farting from OnlineEducation.net:

The average person will fart 14 times per day and produce a half liter of fart gas. These farts can travel as fast as 7 mph and due to their composition (largely methane), are quite flammable. The top ten farting animals from most to less, are as follows: Termites, Camels, Zebras, Sheep, Cows, Elephants, Labradors - Retrievers, Humans (Vegetarians), Humans (non-Vegetarians), and Gerbils. And finally, did you know even dead people can still fart?

I’m resisting putting a “fart button” on this post because I really do have my limits. But I am including the edgy video below which I guarantee will bring peals of laughter from any group of adolescent males . . . and a fair number of men. Like I said, it’s in our DNA. If you’re not a fan of flatulence, don’t watch.

If the video doesn't show up, use this link

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December 22, 2014

What Men Really Want!

If you create an anonymous way for men from around the world to speak their personal truth about what they really want, for themselves and the world, you wind up with a deep look into the masculine heart. That's what the hashtag #malewishlist has become.

. . . a deep look into the masculine heart.

The short story is a few good men decided to use the Twitter platform in February 2012 to reach out to men using the hashtag #malewishlist. I was so impressed with what came pouring in, I did a Man-Making Blog post on some of the contributions. It was a very moving list. You can read about those men and the #malewishlist original story at this link on the Man-Making Blog.

Since 2012, the #malewishlist has continued to accumulate tweets. In this season of commercialism, with what I think is a pretty shameful lust for gifting people with material things, I thought it might be nice to revisit the notion of what men want as a way to bring a different perspective to the holidays. I guess this is my holiday letter to you and yours, holding up a vision for a world we all might co-create.

. . . a vision for a world
we all might co-create.

The list is just below. If you're a man, it should straighten your spine a little and have "oh yeahs!" going off in your head. I felt a little sad, too, because of the long way we have to go to get to the world these men have envisioned. Selfishly however, I love that it's so long and that so many men are speaking out.

If you want your voice heard and have additions to the male wish list, you can post them to the Twitter hashtag #malewishlist, add them to the comments section of this post (online), or send it along to me and I'll add it to the comments for you.

Thanks for the gift of your support, all year!

Earl Hipp

The Male Wish List

For every boy and man to have at least one person to whom he can reveal himself fully without fear of rejection.

For all dads to feel empowered to care for and connect with their children and feel supported in their efforts to do so.

To always use the "privileges" given to me by patriarchy to advance a just society.

For men to be able to speak up about any personal pain and be met with something other than harsh judgement for "failing at manhood."

Not to be seen as a potential abuser (pedophile) because I'm a man, but someone who is safe for young people to be with.

To live in a world in which tenderness, compassion, and sensitivity are no longer regarded as primarily feminine qualities.

To experiencing joy and happiness without external cause.

That more men would learn to talk openly about sex with their partners rather than resorting to lazy substitutes.

To live in a world in which greed, avarice, venal stupidity, and amoral self-interest are punished rather than rewarded.

To love myself enough to allow myself to fail and make mistakes.

To know our real strengths as men and not be afraid to use them.

To not feel like I’m a rapist every time a woman walks the same route as me after 9pm.

To live in the world imagined by John Lennon.

Not to be regarded as culpable or responsible for bad acts committed by other men or groups of men, now or in the past.

For more men to realize their parental love means so much to their kids, despite what anti-dad types say.

To be accepted for who I am rather than how well I fit into the cultural box.

For more men to realize that working themselves to death is not the best way to meet the real needs of their families.

That men not have their value judged by the size of their libido or their pay check.

That every man would have at least one compassionate witness to his pain and confusion, someone he knows he can always count on.

For fathers to be emotionally healthy, present and available.

To know and trust that I can be strong and powerful without hurting others.

To see the collective of men as "the brotherhood," not "the competition."

For men, women, peers, and culture to STOP telling boys that 'BIG boys don't cry.' It is a lie - we DO cry and need to cry.

To be able to cry without shame or fear when feeling sadness, grief, disappointment, weakness, or loss come up.

To remember that failure and rejection do not reduce or diminish me as a man, but are pathways into my own strength and wisdom.

That men would increase their empathy for self and others.

To celebrate the fact that I am a man and be proud of my masculinity.

That men would be able to gently hold other men and be held by them.

To feel safe being emotionally vulnerable around other people, to feel loved, connected, and accepted for who I truly am.

To touch without fear, to feel without despair, to dream without nightmares

To hold onto my courage as I allow love into my life.

To have friends who say 'get up' when I feel like giving up on something which is important to me

That men would begin to realize they need to evolve, to change, and to take responsibility for feelings, behavior, and talk.

I want sanity and peace of mind. My head feels like a blender that's stuck in the on position.

That men would listen to their bodies rather than build their bodies and embrace softness rather than rigidity.

I wish all men would be softer with each other. The English male stiff upper lip is a heavy burden.

Validation of my belief that many men are eager to open up and will share what is in their hearts.

That fewer boys will have to wander alone, unsupported, in the never-never land between boyhood and manhood.

To lead the kinds of lives that will make young boys feel eager to grow up and join our ranks.

To meet a woman with whom I can share my self-awareness, and enjoy intimacy, both spiritual and physical, without fear.

That we as men re-learn how to take our boys out and initiate them into the brotherhood of man - and into a sense of their own maleness.

To have an honest conversation with anyone in my family, without fear of repercussions, about my life, who I am, and what I feel.

To live in a society that considers grieving as a healthy part of a man's life.

I wish for the end of violence against women worldwide - I wish for the end of corporate backed war.

That no boy will ever be as lost, as damaged, and as alone as I was at age 14.

To be unapologetically ourselves as men.

To be able to enjoy watching kids play in the park without being seen as threat or weirdo.

To feel that my sensitivity is an asset rather than a weakness to be feared and hidden from others.

For men to reward/encourage sensitivity, empathy when they see it in other men.

To know I am seen, valued, and appreciated as a man not only for what I do, but for who I am.

More men to help lead the way by their force of caring, personality and manhood.

To love myself enough to feel tired and then rest instead of violating my boundaries for the sake of work, work, work.

To feel the same openness and acceptance from my gay community that I have from the straight guys I've done men's work with.

A movement of men that work together and support each other for the greater good.

To be accepted as the men we are, imperfect human beings, with our unique strengths and weaknesses.

To be able to hear men speak from their deep inner self, I want to know all men better.

To wake up in the morning and feel blessed for being born the way I am.

For more progressive males who have no problem challenging sexism.

For more discourse on domestic abuse of men.

To have open, honest, meaningful interactions with other men on a regular basis without having to pay for a weekly men's group.

To not be left out of business 'rapport' building because you do not play golf.

To feel afraid and incapable, and be comforted.

To not be pigeon-holed as only interested in sex and beer.

Not to be assigned the role of dragon slayer because of my gender.

To connect more openly with other men and to allow their support into my life; to create more community with like-minded men.

To live in a world where power is just another word for love in action.

For good men to start showing up for young males. I'm tired of hearing about the creepy ones!

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September 29, 2011

A Critical Piece of the Manhood Puzzle

Mark Moore was my hero. He was a regular old-school fireman, back before the spectacular heroism of 9-11. So it wasn't the fact of his profession that elevated him in my eyes. No, it was simply that he was the only man in my nine-year-old world who understood me. He was my next door neighbor. He lived close enough to hear my father's drunken rages and my mother's crying. He saw the car parked on grass in the front yard where my dad had left it the night before. He observed the sad lack of maintenance on our house, and he witnessed the many times I went running from the house in tears. Mark knew the horror of my world and still, for his own reasons, he picked me and gave me the only positive adult male attention I knew in those days.

Mark taught me to fish. I remember the awe I felt the first time he showed me his tackle box. It was the most mysterious collection of tools for getting the meat I had ever seen. The lures were colorful, each with a name and a special use. And dam that box was fragrant. I didn't learn until much later the otherworldly smell was a collection of thirty years' worth of mixed beer and dried fish guts.

Mark found the time to do things with me and sometimes a couple of my boy-pack buddies. We would visit him and the other men at the firehouse and got to slide down the brass pole from the second floor dorm. We'd build things together too. I can still smell the sawdust from the footstool we constructed in his garage workshop one hot summer. Then there was the time he took us all up to the top of the Highland Water Tower on the one day of the year it was open. The tower was the highest point in our town at the time and it offered an expansive vista. One at a time, he lifted each of us up to peer over the safety rail and then he pointed out the important places in our neighborhood. He said, “There’s your house, and there’s the movie theater. Over there is where you go to school, and way out there is the fairgrounds.” In a way, Mark was doing for me what men have done with boys for centuries, seeing their gifts, choosing to be engaged, and lifting them up and showing them the important parts of the masculine landscape. My dad wasn't really present for me, I had Superman on television back in those days, but Mark was my real superhero. I was a horribly lost little boy who became a lost teen, and it was Mark who saved my life.

The first of two sad truths about manhood today is too many young males are going lost, being imprisoned, and dying on their journey to manhood because good men like Mark are not showing up for them. All parents, but especially single moms and dads, struggle mightily to raise boys. The flood of testosterone in a teenaged male's body generates feelings of enormous physical power and potential. The young dudes then proceed to push and shove, be defiant, constantly test limits, and generally do foolish things because of the incomplete wiring of their young brains. It's not a matter of choice, adolescent males are simply compelled and propelled by their biology. Without the containment and direction a tribe of older males naturally provide, we have lost young males and Golding’s Lord of the Flies everywhere. It's why I believe we don't have a young male violence problem in the world today, but an epidemic of under-male-nourished young males.

I believe we don't have a young male violence problem in the world today,
but an epidemic of under-male-nourished young males.

The other sad truth about manhood is about lost men. Men and manhood have taken it in the chops from bad wars, feminism, and brutal economic times. Manhood is constantly under assault in today's media. A recent article in my hometown newspaper titled, Men Behaving Sadly, points out this coming season of TV shows feature, “. . . more than a half a dozen male characters questioning their masculinity and their place in a ‘woman’s world.’” Men's institutions have been invaded, and even men's natural tendencies have come under incitement. Collectively, these and other forces have had a devastating impact on male esteem. The result is lost and confused men, collectively and globally, looking for a vision of manhood that will help men feel good about themselves and reshape the important parts of the masculine landscape.

Thankfully, the discussion about lost men and an upside vision of manhood is well under way. This Man-Making Blog post is part of a special series this month on The End of Gender by bloggers from Role/Reboot, Good Men Project, The Huffington Post, Salon, HyperVocal, Ms. Magazine, YourTango, Psychology Today, Princess Free Zone, and The Next Great Generation.

While the pieces of the manhood puzzle will take some time to come together, I can clearly name one necessary and critical piece right now. It's the one ancient masculine competency hardwired into all men and what Mark Moore had in spades. Mark somehow found the willingness to step out from behind his fears and reach out to the next generation of boys. He offered his gloriously imperfect self as a guide to young boys on their journey toward manhood.

Making men out of adolescent males is men's work. It's necessary and life-saving for the boys, it supports families, and it reduces the chaos and violence in our communities. The big secret is until men put this piece in place, men are not whole. Conversely, when men claim that core piece of the manhood puzzle, the male hierarchy is restored, boys see an achievable path to manhood, there is peace in the village, and men inhabit their right place in the order of things.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men."
Fredrick Douglass

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June 7, 2011

The Men's Calender of Events

Here is a quick update on a couple of notable events on the Men's Calendar, one global and one US based. From where I sit, this kind of movement in the male universe is good for men, young males, and the planet. These two events are just a small sample of what's going on for men. If you are aware of other events you'd like all of us to know about, send me a note and I'll run them up on the occasional post. IF they are coming up soon, feel free to add them to the comment form at the bottom of this post.

The first event claims the we're going for it title of, The Ultimate Men's Summit: Activating 21st Century Masculinity (UMS). It will be held this month, from June 10th through the 19th.

The UMS website reads: For this unprecedented virtual event, we are calling forth men from around the world who are boldly committed to lead in a new era - one in which masculine qualities are restored into partnership with the feminine, in which our models of work, family and relationships are ripe for renewal, change and discovery.

If you're a guy, or a woman who's curious about men today, what's not to like about that offering? In yet another display of using technology to form a movement, you can participate in all of the SEVENTY FIVE events from the comfort of your home or your local coffee shop because it's a Virtual Summit!

You and over 10,062 registrants (so far), from 116 countries, can hear from some of the old guard in the men's movement, along with countless other, apparently male-literate experts, on an endless stream of topics such as:

How to Create and Cultivate 21st Century Relationships
Five Illusions of Manhood To Get Over - Right Now
Activate Your Purpose and Fulfill Your Mission in the World
Knights Without Armor: The Quest for the Courage to Be Vulnerable
The Paradox of Masculine Power: What Works is Being More Fully Yourself
The Warrior Spirit - An Ancient Imperative for Modern Man
Why Every Man Needs to be Initiated by Other Men - and Where to Go to Find It

The amazing thing about the UMS is that it's FREE. All you need to do is register at their online site, and then pick your programs. For registering, you'll also get access to all the presentation recordings for review later. I can't imagine a more dense sampling of content on the current state of the male experience than the UMS. For free, I'm going to give them my name and cherry pick the presentations.

USAGE: Developing intentional, energized, and activated male (or any) elders is also a good thing for the whole tribe. That is the work of USAGE or the USA Gathering of Elders. This event is being sponsored by The Mankind Project, USA, and will be held in the center of the US at the Wesley Woods Camp and Retreat Center, in Indianola, Iowa (20 minutes south of Des Moines).

This gathering of the Elders is for ALL elders (men and women) with 50 years or more of life experience. You'll be joining a wonderful group of men and women from a variety of organizations such as Mankind Project International (MKPI) and MKP USA, Elder women from the Woman Within and Women in Power organizations, and men and women from the Sage-ing Guild. All these good people gathered to, "share wisdom and celebrate who we are at this time of our lives."

The agenda includes presentations by Dr. Robert Moore, Distinguished Service Professor of Psychology, Psychoanalysis and Spirituality in the Graduate Center of the Chicago Theological Seminary, and author of many books including, King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, and Doug Von Koss, who will lead singing and movement. Rosemary Cox of the Sage-ing Guild will be leading a retreat for women on Friday and Saturday, October 28 & 29, at the nearby Apple Tree Inn. This year men and women will be staying in separate accommodations, and have mostly separate programs. I'm told the Program Planning Team is working on shared programs for women and men on Thursday evening, Saturday evening and on Sunday morning.

To track the evolving program agenda, speakers, and register for the event, check out the USAGE website. For more information on this gathering, contact Allan Podbelsek at apodbelsek@aol.com or call him at 502-245 6248.

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December 9, 2010

Grandfather Energy Meets Elder Hunger

At 66, I'm still a little surprised when I notice young males hovering around me. Sometimes it's questions, opinions, or showing me something they have or created. Sometimes it's simply proximity, hanging out in the same space. It's as though they don't really know what they want from me, but are pulled in my direction. I call this experience "Elder Hunger."

The truth is I'm very often late to notice them, and I don't immediately know how to (naturally) respond. Of course they want what I (still) long for, the witness and blessings of being seen and appreciated by older men. I'd say for the last five or so years of my life I've been growing into this Elder role/responsibility, seeing and blessing the young guys, and loving it.

When Paddy Murray, an Elder brother in mission from Bundanoon Australia, sent along an article about men from TOMNET ( Toowoomba Older Men's Network) working with high school kids, and getting a half-million Australian bucks to do it, it made perfect sense to me.

The article from Paddy talks about how these Elder men are helping high risk kids at the Toowoomba South State School with homework, building a school garden together, and sharing communal meals twice a week. Everyone involved loves it and the program has "blossomed" over a very short period of time.

In addition to all the wonderful benefits of what I might call "grandfather energy" meeting "elder hunger," there are some unique benefits for both the kids and the elders. By being together they have found an answer to one of the biggest challenges facing both some of the young and the old . . . isolation.

The article states: "When older men retire, they haven't got work and they feel as though they're not making a contribution, even though yet they have a lot of wisdom and experience. The younger kids feel isolated because many of them have dropped out of mainstream school and have been in trouble or come from difficult backgrounds.

"A lot of programs have been aimed at fixing kids up, and the missing link has been getting the community to take part in that solution. That's what's happening here and the kids feel like they belong to the community and that's what is important."

Getting older men involved with teen boys is a potent man-making strategy, and it doesn't have to cost a half-million to implement. Just get some old dudes together and invite them to "hang out" with some young guys and let the chemistry of Elder hunger and grandfather energy take over. It's actually a very ancient formula.

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October 20, 2010

The New Macho

Last September Newsweek joined the print media rush with their series of articles on the recently popular general theme, What's the Matter with Men? Their approach is, Why it’s time to reimagine masculinity at work and at home. You can read their response to that statement on their blog, I'm not taking up the topic here.

Rather, I'll own up to having been on a personal quest for years to determine what, for me, constitutes an authentic and personally relevant sense of manhood. I think a lot of men and way too many boys are on that same journey. It's in part why I do this blog, and maybe, why you read it.

So I found it interesting when Boysen Hodgson, a friend of mine, took it on himself to begin to describe for himself what he calls The New Macho paradigm. Boysen is a member of the ManKind Project and you can see his article in context and other related articles on the MKP website. With his permission, his description is reproduced below for your consideration. He says he is well aware that it is a work in progress . . . perhaps like men and the definition of manhood today!

I like it! What do you think?

The New Macho

He cleans up after himself.

He cleans up the planet.

He is a role model for young men.

He is rigorously honest and fiercely optimistic.

He holds himself accountable.

He knows what he feels.

He knows how to cry and he lets it go.

He knows how to rage without hurting others.

He knows how to fear and how to keep moving.

He seeks self-mastery.

He's let go of childish shame.

He feels guilty when he's done something wrong.

He is kind to men, kind to women, kind to children.

He teaches others how to be kind.

He says he's sorry.

He stopped blaming women or his parents or men for his pain years ago.

He stopped letting his defenses ruin his relationships.

He stopped letting his penis run his life.

He has enough self respect to tell the truth.

He creates intimacy and trust with his actions.

He has men that he trusts and that he turns to for support.

He knows how to roll with it.

He knows how to make it happen.

He is disciplined when he needs to be.

He is flexible when he needs to be.

He knows how to listen from the core of his being.

He's not afraid to get dirty.

He's ready to confront his own limitations.

He has high expectations for himself and for those he connects with.

He looks for ways to serve others.

He knows he is an individual.

He knows that we are all one.

He knows he is an animal and a part of nature.

He knows his spirit and his connection to something greater.

He knows that the future generations are watching his actions.

He builds communities where people are respected and valued.

He takes responsibility for himself and is also willing to be his brother's keeper.

He knows his higher purpose.

He loves with fierceness.

He laughs with abandon, because he gets the joke.

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September 3, 2010

Leaving Neverland - Why Little Boys Shouldn't Run Big Corporations

Leaving Neverland is a very timely book, hot off the press, and sure to be a winner. The author, Daniel Prokop, states, Little boys wearing men's bodies and designer suits convinced authorities to put them in charge of the banking cookie jar. We shouldn’t be surprised that they helped themselves to our cookies. And my favorite, When little boys playing in the Gulf of Mexico broke a big, shiny toy and made a catastrophic mess, surely we can all agree that it is time for us to Leave Neverland.

Among other professions, Daniel Prokop has run his own business, is an experienced Rites of Passage leader, and a stand-up comic. He confesses he once worked as a laborer on a big turkey farm where they were doing artificial insemination . . . which he says put him off having sex with turkeys for life. He also spent 13 years working in an unnamed oil company with a BIG red and yellow logo, which has given him some perspective on big boys and shiny oily toys.

You can order the book and read the table of contents and first chapter at the Leaving Neverland website. While I'm sure the book will be an informative, thoughtful, and very entertaining read, at $39.95 a copy for those of us outside of Australia, it will take a lot of screamingly positive reviews to put it on most people's must get list. Daniel is working on making his book available via Print on Demand in the US and Europe and also as an E-book. I'll let you know when those editions come available.

The good news is that the discussion about little boys in big boy suits behaving badly is well under way. In this clip the author discusses his philosophy and the importance of Rite of Passage experiences in the lives of boys and men.

Go to this link if the video isn't visible.

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April 29, 2010

Leap Now - Ring of Fire

LEAPNOW is an organization based in Calistoga, CA, and dedicated to fostering consciousness and integrity in the world by working with "emerging adults." They run “soul-centered programs” that combine outer journeys (to Latin America, India, Africa), with a personal journey inward. Their flagship program, LEAPYEAR, works with students for a full year. Their mission is to set the stage for young adults to blossom. They claim young people always emerge from this program with a greater understanding of themselves and what it means to be approaching adulthood in today’s world.

One of their new programs is called Ring of Fire (RoF), a four-month adventure for young men 17 to 24. RoF was created to answer to deep need of young men who have "lost traction" in their lives. In this program, a small group of males adventure their way through Central and South America. This trek is along the Eastern edge of the chain of volcanoes that circles the Pacific Ocean and is why the program is called Ring of Fire. Along the way they examine their lives, face challenges, and explore their shadows. The program is designed to develop a strong sense of self, while training young men in the skills of leadership. It all comes together at the end of the trip with a powerful rite of passage ceremony.

The good folks at LEAPNOW believe the fastest growth happens for an individual when you combine an outer journey (trekking the Incan Trail, planting trees in the Amazon, building houses for the poor, climbing a volcano) with a profoundly personal inward journey. I only wish that the Ring of Fire experience was available when I was in that age group!

For more information on the Ring of Fire program, visit the LEAPNOW website, or contact the program coordinator, Jesse Latimer, at jesse@leapnow.org or 707-431-7265.

If you know about or have experienced a similar program for ripening young people, please share a brief description. The world needs globally literate and self-aware young people in the pipe line.

December 5, 2009

OMG! Teens, Texting, and Driving! STANDUP!

Did you know that car crashes are the number one killer of teens in the US? That amounts to about 5000 kids dying every year, making up twelve percent of all individuals involved in car crash deaths. Here is another number to chew on. In a survey by The Allstate Foundation, titled: Chronic: A Report on Teen Safe Driving, fifty-six percent of teens say they make or answer cell phone calls while driving. AND, and this is the OMG part (that's Oh My God for non-texters), thirteen percent of teens say they make or respond to text messages while driving!

The report also found that teens have the lowest percentage of seat belt use, are most vulnerable to peer pressure from others in the car, and are very uncomfortable speaking up when friends aren't driving safely. Now that is a prescription for danger . . . and the data is worse for teen boys. It's really a call for some serious man-making.

There is help in the works and it's called the STANDUP Act. The Safe Teen and Novice Driver Uniform Protection Act of 2009 was introduced in April 2009 by Reps. Tim Bishop (D-NY), Michael Castle (R-DE), and Chris Van Hollen, Jr. (D-MD). This legislation would establish minimum federal requirements for state GDL laws (National Graduated Driver Licensing) and encourage all states to adopt GDL laws that meet the minimum requirements within 3 years. Here is a quick overview the STANDUP Act:

States must meet the following requirements under the STANDUP Act:

Three stages of licensing – learner’s permit, intermediate stage, and full licensure – should be used

Age 16 should be the earliest age for entry into the learner’s permit process

Nighttime driving while unsupervised should be restricted during the learner’s permit and intermediate stages, until full licensure at age 18

Driving while using communication devices (cell phone calls, texting) should be prohibited at least until full licensure at age 18

Unrestricted, full licensure should occur no earlier than age 18

Passengers should be restricted – no more than one non-familial passenger under age 21 unless a licensed driver over age 21 is in the vehicle – until full licensure at age 18

The Allstate Foundation research indicates that in states with comprehensive GDL programs in place, fatal crashes of 16 year old drivers has fallen by 40% . . . but that is not good enough.

If you have teen drivers in your life, it really is time to have that conversation about cell phones and driving . . . and then to be careful what you're modeling around phones and driving in their presence. You can also go to the Allstate Teen Driver Website for all kinds of helpful resources. They have data, instructional videos, petitions to sign, and even a Parent-Teen Driving Contract.

Let's all do what we can
to prevent more OMG's

February 25, 2009

Octodads and Dispensable Fathers

A Man-Making blog reader, Charley M., sent along an article link from the Wall Street Journal asking a great question, Where in the World is Octodad?

Octodad is the invisible, anonymous, non-participating, and possibly well-intended but victimized father of Nadya Suleman’s 14 children. Nadya is the Octomother who has recently given birth to more babies at one time than anyone thought possible, and perhaps, more than should ever be allowed.

The WSJ article asks some hard and challenging questions about deadbeat dads, men who sell sperm, and women who decide to have children on their own and don’t want “fathers interfering with their . . . children.”

The article also sites the familiar statistics on absent fathers. “Out-of-wedlock birth rates in the U.S. are now 38%; among African-Americans the figure is 70%. Fathers of children living with single mothers are far less involved with their children than are married fathers; about a third of all children in single-mother families have not seen their father in the previous year.”

A lot of questions come up for me when reading the article:

Are fathers becoming “dispensable parents” as the article asks?
Can committed man-makers create a difference in these disturbing trends by intentionally stepping forward to build values such as responsibility, paternity, family, and strength of character in young males?
Can you make a difference in the lives of the boys around you by your example, conversations, teaching, or by being involved in a (any) boy shaping activity or event?

Wadaya think? What comes up for you?

December 10, 2008

Band of Brothers: Older Men Learning to Bless. . . and Step into their Right Male Place

Witness the opening of the hearts and minds of men. Men finding themselves, so they are prepared to bless and support boys. It's a beautiful thing.

If the video is not visible, you can view it at this link.

Is there a hunger for this in you?

October 23, 2008

When Did You Become "A MAN?" - Again

If you can't tell, I love this topic. I think it's interesting and a little scary. If you're over 25 and don't think you're a "man," or an adult, then what or who are you?

Neal Conan, the host of National Public Radio's great Talk of the Nation show, recently did a program on the topic of when a person becomes an adult. It's a great question when so many "young people" seem to be living a delayed adolescence . . . into their 30's and beyond.

On the show Neal talks with three authors with books related to the topic, and a college professor doing research on the subject. They were trying to see if they could discern that "magic moment" when a person crosses the line into adulthood. To listen, click this link: Rites of Passage: When Are You an Adult?

The interview reminded me of the question I ask of the men who were contributing to the development of the Man-Making book. I asked them, "What was THE moment in your life when you knew, for sure, that you had become a man?" The responses were amazing. How would you answer that question?

Because most of us are living in cultures where we have lost track of how to solidly initiate young males into manhood, the heart-felt truths men revealed are not surprising. After thinking about your answer to that question, go to this link and read what other men have said about crossing the line into manhood.

If the exercise above stirs your male pot in some way, either click on the comment link below, or send me your answer to that question and I'll add it to those on the Man-Making website.

August 8, 2008

That Frustrating Teen Brain

While you may have heard about some of the research regarding the development of the adolescent brain, the folks at the MIT Young Adult Development Project are collecting the research data in one place for us.

On their website you can learn about how the adolescent brain develops from back to front. That means that the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for judgment, managing emotions, and complex thinking, doesn’t fully develop until the mid-twenties.

As the MIT-YADP people describe it, young adults have “. . . a kind of mental "visor" that screens out some kinds of phenomena while letting in others for consideration. As development unfolds, one can "see" and think about more and more complex phenomena such as abstractions, relationships, and moral problems, and offering more and more powerful thinking tools.”

As a number of researchers have suggested, the insurance and rental car companies have it right. The teen brain isn't fully mature at 16, when they are allowed to drive, or at 18, when they are allowed to vote, or at 21, when they are allowed to drink. In fact, it's not fully wired until they are closer to 25, when they are allowed to rent a car and their insurance rates begin to get reasonable.

Visit the MIT Young Adult Development Project website for a great short-course on the young male brain. It will explain a lot about teen behavior and maybe replace some frustration at their choices with understanding and even compassion.