MAN-MAKING BLOG: single parents

Showing posts with label single parents. Show all posts

February 5, 2022

Gentlemen Quarters Barbershop Academy

Derick Cagle was a sharp barber who paid attention to his surroundings. At a back-to-school event where he was cutting hair, he listened to the young men waiting their turn who were messing with each other. Teasing and taunting about their girls, sports, drug deals, being cool, and lots of other smack talk. In the middle of all that commotion, an older man got everyone's attention when he chimed in with his story about someone he'd shot and the price he has paid ever since. That mentoring moment was a huge wake up call for Derick, and the beginning of what's since become the Gentlemen Quarters Barbershop Academy.

In this story in the North Carolina News, I learned about how the GQ Barbershop Academy "organizes events for teens between the ages of 13-18 that includes free haircuts and free mentoring." It's one great tale about how fatherless and other boys connect with men from their community and get the male guidance and caring they so often need.

Here's what one single mom said about Mr. Cagle: "Passion really fuels him and he’s from the Durham community and knows exactly what takes place here,” she says. "This couples with his love for building up young men." I love these stories about what one motivated man can create if he finds the courage to step up.

"...you don't have to wait till violence hits in your family
or neighborhood to step up into action."

Cagle has personal reasons to be in the mentoring game. His nephew was killed just prior to his 21st birthday. That and other violence in his community, often close to home, was the call to action he heard. But you don't have to wait till violence hits in your family or neighborhood to step up into action.

Derick's instructor at Harris Barber College was a man named Tobias McLean. Mr. McLean turned out to be a powerful mentor in Derick's life. One of the important lessons he got from this man was, “You can’t be in this community and not be part of this community.” Derick Cagle, is cutting hair, but is also in the business of helping young guys and maybe saving lives too. He's a gift to his community and one of my heroes.

To learn more about the GQ Barbershop Academy, check out their website, or give them a shout at 919-816-2335.

If you know of other men like Derick, let me know. I'd like to share those stories. It's clear the world needs men like him as role models, and the boys need those men now more than ever.

SUBSCRIBE: Enter your email address below to have the Man-Making Blog post delivered to you when published.

September 10, 2014

Saving Lost, Angry, and Confused Young Men

As you may know, I love the stories of one man, against all odds, stepping out to make the world a better place for young men and the rest of us. Ashanti Branch is one of those men, and I've written about him previously. I bring him to your attention again for your inspiration and to tell you about a way you can support his powerful mission and very good work.

By way of background, Ashanti was raised by a single mother on welfare and, at 6 years old, had to become the man of the house. Like myself and so many men in that situation, Ashanti had no male guidance, and says he, ". . . was left to figure manhood out by myself." He became an angry, lost, confused middle school kid, who was failing and headed for disaster. Luckily for Ashanti, there was one teacher who saw something special in him and gave him just enough caring support and encouragement to help him dig out of the hole he was in. Ashanti says that teacher, ". . . saved my life." And that's why he's showing up so powerfully in the lives of high-risk young guys today.

. . .supporting young high school men of color
who are failing fifty percent or more of their classes.

Ashanti's mission is to ". . . create a world of freedom by encouraging youth to break their chains." You can hear how his passion for this work comes through in this interview I did with him in 2013. In that conversation, Ashanti describes his Ever Forward Club, in which he's supporting young men of color in high school who are failing fifty percent or more of their classes. His success rates in moving kids from a path of almost certain failure to a college track are spectacular.

Because of his amazing success statistics, passion, and purpose, Ashanti has found his way to the TED stage where he's reaching an even larger audience. His TED talk is in the video below. In a strange and sad twist, the audio from his TED talk wasn't recorded. But lucky for us, one of his supporters captured most of his presentation on an iPhone and that's what you'll see. The quality isn't the best but his presentation rocks! His leading story about primate research, bananas, and young guys is heartbreaking.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

YOU can support Ashanti and his work by making a donation on his Indiegogo fund-raiser campaign page . If you want to go the extra mile, send this post link to your Facebook friends and let's see if we can help Ashanti realize his vision of supporting 100 young men in Ever Forward Clubs in 10 schools by December 2014.

While each of us could do a little something to support the young men around us, most of us can't step into the front lines of man-making like Ashanti. What I'm sure, however, is through your donation, you and Ashanti will soon be making an important difference in the lives of otherwise lost young men in the Ever Forward campaign.

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and NOT in email post delivery, sorry.)

CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

TWEET: Send this post along to your friends or follow me on Twitter!

Follow @earlh

June 1, 2014

Chef - A Guy Film To Soften A Man's Heart

My father was basically a John Wayne era 'tough guy', who showed little emotion other than anger, smoked, liked to drink, and was gone a lot. He saw the young me as a smart ass and the root of the problems in his marriage. All nuts, of course, but along the way, I got so much negative attention, my self-esteem bucket was like a colander. I've spent a lot of years plugging up the holes.

. . . my self-esteem bucket was like a colander.

My dark dad history, and all those similar stories I've heard from men and young men over the years, are the reasons I'm a sucker for the 'good dad' films. There aren't many, but when I see them, even if the plot isn't that great, I take some joy in suspending my judgments and letting the tears of joy and grief roll down my face. In a mixed-up way, it's healing for me.

So that's what happened, again, when I saw the film Chef. In the film, a skilled chef is selling his soul by cooking good, but uninspired food at an up-scale restaurant. In addition to ignoring his deep passion for creative cooking, he is also ignoring his 10 year-old son. As the result of a divorce, as a single parent he gets occasional visits with his kid. On the times he doesn't back out of the scheduled dad time, he has dutiful, but sadly impersonal visits with his son. The kid has huge dad hunger, and dad isn't really there.

Chef isn't deep in terms of plot. In fact it's simplistic, and even predictable. But it is fun and a foodie treat. It's been labelled food porn for all the sensuous shots of beautiful food you see creatively prepared. At it's core, it's a food film with a 'dad and son' back-story. The music is rich and energetic, there are some very funny lines/moments between the players, and there is some great road-trip scenery.

. . . how a young guy gets a peak at "manhood"
by hanging with the men in his dad's world.

If you look closely, Chef offers some back-stories about how good men friends care about and support each other in the hard times, how technology is changing the world, and a fun, too true, look at how a young guy gets a peak at "manhood" by hanging with the men in his dad's world. Sadly, it has an R rating because you have to put up with way too much swearing, pot smoking, drinking, and too many sexual innuendos for a film about a man and his 10 year-old son.

The teary part for me is when, toward the end of the film, the dad and son do connect with each other, have fun, go on adventures, speak truth about their relationship, and find ways to show how much they love each other. How can a man not shed a tear at that outcome?

I remember the biblical phrase, "This is my beloved son in whom I'm well-pleased." I have always hungered for that blessing. When I am in the presence of that statement being expressed in the world around me, no matter the form or how thinly it's veiled, it goes right to my heart.

You can get the feel for the film in the clip below. You can also read this review of the film in the Washington Post for more detailed information about the plot and cast. It's not really a film for really young guys, but it's a story that will soften the heart of even a tin man.

Do you have a film that gets to you in the same way?

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page!

Follow @earlh

January 18, 2014

Movies for Men and Boys: The Way, Way Back

This review of the film, The Way, Way Back, was contributed by Brian Mier, a Men's and Boys’ Health Promoter with Eagle Health Resources in Melbourne, Australia.

Ultimately, The Way, Way Back is a joyful movie. Generally, the critics gave it a favorable rating, but those of us with a passion for man-making with boys will understand the deeper beauty in what is, at times, a hard story to watch.

In the story, fourteen-year-old Duncan goes on holiday with his divorcee mother, Pam, and her boyfriend, Trent. The boyfriend is a puffed up and over-bearing man who is constantly belittling Duncan in a way which basically constitutes psychological and emotional abuse. As a result, Duncan, who is already shy, isolated, and angry, becomes even more sad and his self esteem sinks even lower.

Feeling (and being) very alone, Duncan takes off on his bicycle to explore the seaside town on Cape Cod. He comes across the Water Wizz water park. The park becomes his escape from the uncomfortable adult antics at his summer home. At the water park, he is befriended and mentored by some very unlikely but very good men (and women). Mentoring occurs in unusual ways and in the most unusual places.

As the film progresses, we watch Duncan grow through his coming of age, young male experiences. He develops a supportive, puppy love relationship with the girl next door. At the park, he begins to have fun, learns some lessons about “women” from the men, he accepts some responsibility, contributes his ideas to the business, and earns some praise in the process. As a result of these experiences, his self-esteem, confidence, and courage all come to life.

The Way, Way Back also has a positive message for parents. It illustrates what psychologist and parenting educator, Steve Biddulph, says is a very important parenting equation, TIME = LOVE. Fortunately, this is exactly the lesson Duncan’s mom Pam learns the hard way.

. . . a very important parenting equation,
TIME = LOVE

Superb acting by perfectly cast actors made this film a joy for me to watch. In the clip from the movie below, you'll get a sample of both the ups and downs of Duncan's summer experience. I confess to having a tear in my eye occasionally because the stories of Duncan’s adolescent adventures were close to home for me and apply to so many adolescent boys. Critics called it “funny and sweet”, but it’s much more than that.

If you really care about teen boys, I think you’ll love this movie.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

If you haven't yet had a chance to offer your feedback on this blog, please go to the Annual Man-Making Blog Survey and answer four quick questions. Survey closes the end of January. Your input is very important to keeping this content relevant to you, the readers.

CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

LIKE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the "Like" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page!

TWEET: Send this post along to your friends or follow me on Twitter!

Follow @earlh

September 29, 2011

A Critical Piece of the Manhood Puzzle

Mark Moore was my hero. He was a regular old-school fireman, back before the spectacular heroism of 9-11. So it wasn't the fact of his profession that elevated him in my eyes. No, it was simply that he was the only man in my nine-year-old world who understood me. He was my next door neighbor. He lived close enough to hear my father's drunken rages and my mother's crying. He saw the car parked on grass in the front yard where my dad had left it the night before. He observed the sad lack of maintenance on our house, and he witnessed the many times I went running from the house in tears. Mark knew the horror of my world and still, for his own reasons, he picked me and gave me the only positive adult male attention I knew in those days.

Mark taught me to fish. I remember the awe I felt the first time he showed me his tackle box. It was the most mysterious collection of tools for getting the meat I had ever seen. The lures were colorful, each with a name and a special use. And dam that box was fragrant. I didn't learn until much later the otherworldly smell was a collection of thirty years' worth of mixed beer and dried fish guts.

Mark found the time to do things with me and sometimes a couple of my boy-pack buddies. We would visit him and the other men at the firehouse and got to slide down the brass pole from the second floor dorm. We'd build things together too. I can still smell the sawdust from the footstool we constructed in his garage workshop one hot summer. Then there was the time he took us all up to the top of the Highland Water Tower on the one day of the year it was open. The tower was the highest point in our town at the time and it offered an expansive vista. One at a time, he lifted each of us up to peer over the safety rail and then he pointed out the important places in our neighborhood. He said, “There’s your house, and there’s the movie theater. Over there is where you go to school, and way out there is the fairgrounds.” In a way, Mark was doing for me what men have done with boys for centuries, seeing their gifts, choosing to be engaged, and lifting them up and showing them the important parts of the masculine landscape. My dad wasn't really present for me, I had Superman on television back in those days, but Mark was my real superhero. I was a horribly lost little boy who became a lost teen, and it was Mark who saved my life.

The first of two sad truths about manhood today is too many young males are going lost, being imprisoned, and dying on their journey to manhood because good men like Mark are not showing up for them. All parents, but especially single moms and dads, struggle mightily to raise boys. The flood of testosterone in a teenaged male's body generates feelings of enormous physical power and potential. The young dudes then proceed to push and shove, be defiant, constantly test limits, and generally do foolish things because of the incomplete wiring of their young brains. It's not a matter of choice, adolescent males are simply compelled and propelled by their biology. Without the containment and direction a tribe of older males naturally provide, we have lost young males and Golding’s Lord of the Flies everywhere. It's why I believe we don't have a young male violence problem in the world today, but an epidemic of under-male-nourished young males.

I believe we don't have a young male violence problem in the world today,
but an epidemic of under-male-nourished young males.

The other sad truth about manhood is about lost men. Men and manhood have taken it in the chops from bad wars, feminism, and brutal economic times. Manhood is constantly under assault in today's media. A recent article in my hometown newspaper titled, Men Behaving Sadly, points out this coming season of TV shows feature, “. . . more than a half a dozen male characters questioning their masculinity and their place in a ‘woman’s world.’” Men's institutions have been invaded, and even men's natural tendencies have come under incitement. Collectively, these and other forces have had a devastating impact on male esteem. The result is lost and confused men, collectively and globally, looking for a vision of manhood that will help men feel good about themselves and reshape the important parts of the masculine landscape.

Thankfully, the discussion about lost men and an upside vision of manhood is well under way. This Man-Making Blog post is part of a special series this month on The End of Gender by bloggers from Role/Reboot, Good Men Project, The Huffington Post, Salon, HyperVocal, Ms. Magazine, YourTango, Psychology Today, Princess Free Zone, and The Next Great Generation.

While the pieces of the manhood puzzle will take some time to come together, I can clearly name one necessary and critical piece right now. It's the one ancient masculine competency hardwired into all men and what Mark Moore had in spades. Mark somehow found the willingness to step out from behind his fears and reach out to the next generation of boys. He offered his gloriously imperfect self as a guide to young boys on their journey toward manhood.

Making men out of adolescent males is men's work. It's necessary and life-saving for the boys, it supports families, and it reduces the chaos and violence in our communities. The big secret is until men put this piece in place, men are not whole. Conversely, when men claim that core piece of the manhood puzzle, the male hierarchy is restored, boys see an achievable path to manhood, there is peace in the village, and men inhabit their right place in the order of things.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men."
Fredrick Douglass

LIKE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the "Like" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page!

TWEET: Sent this post along to your Twitter friends!

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, go to this link for a free subscription.

December 11, 2009

Mentoring the Children of Prisoners

I was recently invited to speak at a conference about Mentoring the Children of Prisoners. It is being sponsored by MANY, the Mid-Atlantic Network of Youth & Family Services in Pittsburgh, PA. This conference comes out of the sad story about the challenges facing the children who have an incarcerated parent. With more than 5.6 million Americans in prison or who have served time, the U.S has the highest incarceration rate in the world (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2003). Right now, one in forty children in the U.S. have a parent in prison. In relationship to this huge need for mentoring and support, there are relatively few agencies or programs to help these children. The result is that children of prisoners are among the most at-risk population of children in our country.

Research from the Arizona Children of Prisoners Bill of Rights Project (2007) showed that just in my winter home state of Arizona, there were 175,000 children with parent/s in jail, prison, or on probation. The discussions and focus groups they conducted indicated that these children often lacked food, shelter, clothing, parental guidance, good role models, love, societal acceptance, a basic sense of security, and stability in their lives. The absence of these basic nutrients almost invites a child into a life of crime for survival. Research indicates these children are six times more likely than other children to become incarcerated at some point in their lives.

To learn more about opportunities for man-making with this very needy population contact the Resource Center. They are a provider for the federal Corporation for National and Community Service. The Resource Center's site offers lots of background information, links to related topics, and suggested volunteer opportunities.

You can also just do a Google search on Mentoring the Children of Prisoners in your state and see what comes up. If you want to be on the front lines of man-making, this could be a very good place to begin.

October 29, 2009

Where the Wild Things Are

What follows is a moving review submitted by Man-Making subscriber Andrew MacDonald. If you want to review a book, film, other resource relevant to Man-Making Blog readers, just let me know.

The movie Where the Wild Things Are breaks fresh ground in describing the world of boys. It's a good one for either a young boy or teen. In it, any young male will recognize some of themselves in young Max (the hero). I sat next to a four-year old on his dad's lap, but older boys or teens might like it even more – Max is probably nine or ten.

It's a story of drama, action, and family complexity in which Max has a number of upsets and briefly runs away from home to join a tribe of woodland monsters. It starts with Max playing in his snow fort and having a snowball fight -lotsa fun; but the fort gets cruelly trashed with Max buried in it, the first of many reversals when exuberant highs turn into emotionally raw lows.

Later, after a fight with his (single) mom, he lights out for the river, and sails away in a small boat to a land where wild things live. These “wild things” look like giant Muppets – they're real actors in suits, but with computer animation for facial expression. The characters are well-developed, adult, and complex, and Max has an important connection to each one.

The depth of Max’s involvement and the (appropriate) emotionality isn't surprising since the screenplay is co-written by Dave Eggers. Readers of ManMaking may remember him from the September blog post about his TED-prize talk . . . when he spoke about his innovative mentoring project for kids.

The movie's based on an illustrated children's book by Maurice Sendak. When Sendak was asked what he'd say to parents who thought the film might be too scary, he said “I would tell them to go to hell.” Eggers chimed in that “I think adults should wear diapers going to it, too. I think everyone should be prepared for any eventuality.”

This is not an overly sentimental or sanitized view of childhood, and that's what makes it so fresh.

Andrew MacDonald

If you have seen this movie, what is your opinion?

February 25, 2009

Octodads and Dispensable Fathers

A Man-Making blog reader, Charley M., sent along an article link from the Wall Street Journal asking a great question, Where in the World is Octodad?

Octodad is the invisible, anonymous, non-participating, and possibly well-intended but victimized father of Nadya Suleman’s 14 children. Nadya is the Octomother who has recently given birth to more babies at one time than anyone thought possible, and perhaps, more than should ever be allowed.

The WSJ article asks some hard and challenging questions about deadbeat dads, men who sell sperm, and women who decide to have children on their own and don’t want “fathers interfering with their . . . children.”

The article also sites the familiar statistics on absent fathers. “Out-of-wedlock birth rates in the U.S. are now 38%; among African-Americans the figure is 70%. Fathers of children living with single mothers are far less involved with their children than are married fathers; about a third of all children in single-mother families have not seen their father in the previous year.”

A lot of questions come up for me when reading the article:

Are fathers becoming “dispensable parents” as the article asks?
Can committed man-makers create a difference in these disturbing trends by intentionally stepping forward to build values such as responsibility, paternity, family, and strength of character in young males?
Can you make a difference in the lives of the boys around you by your example, conversations, teaching, or by being involved in a (any) boy shaping activity or event?

Wadaya think? What comes up for you?

November 29, 2008

Are Fathers Really Necessary?

What do Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps, President Elect Barack Obama, and cycling great Lance Armstrong have in common? They are all very successful men and they were all raised by single moms. Congratulations to their moms and all single moms. They are my sheroes, for their selfless commitment in the daunting challenge of raising their children alone. However, for one author (and a number of people I’ve heard from) the existence of very successful men raised by single moms raises the question if fathers are even necessary for turning boys into solid and capable men.

Peggy Drexler, author of a book called Raising Boys Without Men: How Maverick Moms Are Creating the Next Generation of Exceptional Men, feels that while boys benefit from being around men, they flat out do not need fathers. What she claims in her book is that we shouldn't worry about fatherless boys because they will seek out the male influences they need in the world around them.

For the record, I do agree with Ms. Drexler that boys need good men in their lives, but I DO NOT AGREE with her premise that fathers are unnecessary. I think fathers are the most potent man-making force on the planet. I also feel that males raised without involved fathers, while fully capable of successful lives, live with a hole in their male psyche. I believe they have undefined masculine hungers that go unfulfilled in their lives. I believe they live with unanswered questions about their core masculinity, and a more feminized view of the world. I know because I am that kind of male.

One of the most interesting discussions I’ve come across on this complicated topic was in an article in The Washington Times by Roland Warren. It’s titled, “Despite Successes, Boys Need Fathers." We’d expect Mr. Warren to take an opposing stand in that he’s the President of the National Fatherhood Initiative. Without stealing Mr. Warren’s fire and spoiling the read for you, just one of the things I like about his thinking is that he feels, "Can single mothers do it?" is not the right question. From there he offers a variety of very helpful perspectives I think you’ll find very interesting.

What do you think, are fathers necessary in men’s lives? Leave a comment on this blog post.

PS: Just one of many conferences put on by people who firmly believe in Fatherhood is the Minnesota Fatherhood Summit. Their theme for this year's meeting is, Male Socialization: Building Fathers of the Future. If this concept calls to you, maybe you'll hold a meeting or start your own conference . . . that is how these initiatives get started, and just imagine the spin off man-making energy that will result!

September 23, 2008

Enough Said

Dear Earl,

I got an e-mail from a friend today pointing me to your Man-Making blog and it made me sit down and cry. This is so needed.

I raised two children as a single mother, the oldest being a boy who took his life at 26. He hungered for his father all his life and his father just couldn't be there for him as a good mentor. It was terrible to be with his father the day we read our son's suicide note. Six months later his father took his own life.

Now I try and help my daughter and her two girls try and understand and to go on.

God bless you for your great contribution to our society. I hope men get the message.

All Gods Blessings

Trish

May 7, 2008

In Honor of Single Moms

My work is to call men into service to boys on their journey to manhood. Along the way, I've met lots of single mothers. Those I've met do their very best they can to make it all work, raise good kids, and often do that under enormously difficult circumstances. It is a very challenging thing to be a woman alone, raising kids. Mya Angelou says everyone needs heroes and sheroes, and from my perspective, single moms are my complete and total sheroes.

So in honor of Mother's day this year, I want to honor and bless Single moms everywhere . . . for keeping it all together, for being strong and courageous, for heroically and unselfishly giving of yourself to your children, and for caring so very deeply about them.

Thank you for being you and doing your best!

From my conversations with single moms, it's clear to me that many understand and feel the man-hunger in their adolescent sons. They also know how hard it is to get good men involved with their boys and they are always on the look out for opportunities to make that happen. I do offer some suggestions about how to do that in the Man-Making book. But in this post, in support of single moms, I offer a PDF document with a list of Man-Making Books for Single Moms. Some of these books speak directly to single women raising solid boys when there aren't men around to help.

If you know a single mom, be sure to offer her a blessing on Mother's Day. If you're a man and know a single mom with a son, talk to the mom and then if it's OK, engage her son in some large or small way. You can be sure the boy is waiting for the men (you) to show up, and I'll bet the boy's mom will deeply appreciate your involvement.

Do you have a story about a single mom with a son, and men that did or did not show up? Add it to the comments below or send it along to me for posting in the Men's Stories section of the Man-Making website. I feel these are stories we all need to read, understand, and let into our hearts.