Rites of Passage for "Tender Warriors"

The Tender Warrior Association (TWA) is a non-profit, group mentoring organization, serving male middle school students, ages 11-14, who are from Maryland, Virginia, or Washington, D.C. TWA is the inspiration of Jeff Robertson, it's Founder and Executive Director. While TWA was incorporated in 2008, Jeff has been on a hero's journey of Man-Making work for the past 20 years. Today, TWA consists of 3 major components, Outdoor Adventure Activities, Ivy League College Tour Program, and a powerful honoring event called the Tribe 7 Ceremony.

Outdoor Adventure Activities: The men and young men meet on the second Saturday of the month for fun and some time for just hanging out. While the activities vary, Jeff believes in getting his young men out into nature as much as possible. On any given Saturday, they may be playing sports, heading out for camping, or hiking. Whatever the activity, there is always time toward the end to circle up for a conversation about some aspect of becoming a man.

The Ivy League College Tour Program: When funds are available, men and the young guys head out to visit new cities and take a look at life on New England college campuses such as Princeton, Harvard, and Yale. Their next college visit will be a guided tour of Dartmouth College, including lunch on campus, and tour of the city of Hanover, New Hampshire. As a bonus, they are hoping to tour NBC studios in downtown New York City. These trips provide the young men with a look at the world beyond their communities and always expand their horizons and view of what's possible.

. . . powerful expressions of
acknowledgement, caring, and blessing
are focused on the young man.

The Tribe 7 Ceremony: The Tribe 7 Ceremony happens early in a boy's involvement with TWA. It's a ceremony in which a young man is witnessed and honored for crossing an important line on his journey toward manhood. The family of each young man is supported in finding 7 men from his circle of extended family, friends, faith community, school, or his neighborhood. These men agree to participate in the ceremony and to support the young man in the days and years ahead. Jeff says in a world where men are often absent in many parts of a boy's life, it's sometimes a big challenge for a family to even find 7 men who will step up. However, when the men are found and the Tribe 7 Ceremony is possible, there are powerful expressions of acknowledgement, caring, and blessing focused on the young man. The boy is always deeply moved as are the men and families participating around the edges of the event.

The video below is just a short segment of a Tribe 7 Ceremony. In it you can actually see the ritual working its magic on everyone. The young man, thirteen-year-old Shariff Levine, is at the center of it all, nervous but beaming. The men, sometimes also feeling a little awkward, each have 2 minutes in which to accept and commit to the role of man-maker in Shariff's life, bless the young man, and present him with a special object to which the man has given special meaning. In the ceremony, each of the candles and the swords has special meaning which is explained to the initiate. They represent values such as strength, passion, determination, courage, confidence, and there is even one for the young man's "unknown potential." As you watch, can you begin to feel the power of what these men are focusing on this one young man?

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

I don't know about you but I was blown away by Jeff giving Shariff a gift of opening a savings account for a college trust fund. It also warmed my male heart to hear the men surrounding Shariff pledge to be there for him as he moves toward manhood. Who among you wouldn't have wanted that in your life as you were entering adolescence?

On September 30th, Jeff Robertson is being honored by the Architect of the Capital for his innovation in creating this group mentoring organization for young boys of color. He is one of my Man-Making heroes and truly deserves all the recognition he gets (and more)! Speaking of more, if you like what Jeff is doing you can donate to his work. The donation request on the TWA website is for $7, but whether it's $7, $70, or $700, you can be sure it will be put right to work setting young men on a positive journey toward manhood. You can reach Jeff at (301) 442-7760 or visit the TWA website at: tenderwarriorjr.org to learn more about their programs.

Trust that you and your men friends
are hardwired . . .for this work . . .

If you are inspired by Jeff's example, gather up some of your men friends and see what you might create for a young man in your world. In addition to Jeff's example and others I've described on this blog, here is a "how to" article describing a passage event I created with some men friends years ago for one of the men's son.

Anything a group of good men
do in support of a young man or group of young men
simply can't fail.

Anything a group of good men do in support of a young man or group of young men simply can't fail. Be prepared for this work to feel a little awkward because it's been so long since this was a normal part of life for men. Trust that you and your men friends are hardwired, deep in your male psyche, for this work and will know the right things to do and say. Be ready to be amazed by the young men's reaction, what happens to your male heart, and the positive reaction from the community around you.

If you have even a little desire to do something and want some guidance, contact me. Right now there is something every man can do in service to young guys. It's time for men to go to work. The boys are waiting and, as men, we do know how to do this!

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The Old Guy Next Door

In a past Man-Making Blog post, I wrote a tribute to the old guy, Mark Moore, who lived next door to my family when I was a young boy. I didn't have grandfathers, uncles, or any men from my family around me as a kid. That's why my time with Mark was always full of gifts. His garage workshop became a refuge from the alcoholic craziness in my house. He taught me lots of things about drills, wrenches, fishing gear, engines, lumber, and about being a (young) man. Most importantly, by simply giving his time and attention Mark showed me he cared about me. Without anything ever being said directly, in those difficult days of my life, Mark became a much needed, loved, and trusted old guy friend. That was what I needed most in those days.

. . . a beautiful tale of friendship across the ages . . .

So I felt a huge tug on my heart strings when I came across a story by my local news channel, KARE 11 News. They did a story about a friendship between 3-year-old Emmett and 89-year-old Erling from Farmington, Minnesota. It's a beautiful tale of friendship across the ages, full of the kind of unspoken, mutual love that comes naturally to the very young and very old.

Erling had simply been the old guy living next door to Emmett's family for ten years. The families really hadn't known each other very well until the 3-year-old reached out. Emmett simply walked over to Erling one day and asked him about his "matoes!" The full story is told in the video below. Warning, expect some man tears.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

If this video reaches into your masculine heart as it did mine, it's most likely because you're in touch with the soft transformational power of a caring older man in a young guy's life. Emmett and Erling are at the extreme ends of the age continuum, yet the same can happen at almost any age. Who was the Erling or Mark Moore, the old guy in your life? Who was the older man who briefly or for a longer period of time showed up and gave you the gifts of his time and attention? We all have a few men like that you can find if you take the time to examine your life closely. The coach, a teacher, a scout master, someone from your spiritual community, or maybe it was the old guy next door.

The really important take-away here is . . .

The really important take-away here is that YOU could be that nice older man for some boy or young guy. It doesn't take any special training. Erling and Mark Moore didn't have any. In fact, it could really be as simple as a common love for "matoes!"

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UN-Father's Day

Fathers, for better and worse, are THE most powerful man-making force on the planet.

On Father's Day, I can't help but think of my dad and his incredible influence in my life. From my childhood through adolescence, my dad was lost in his marriage, was sick, and in the throes of alcoholism. While there were some gifts, too often he treated me horribly and I've been finding my way back ever since.

. . . dad season . . .

As the commercial messages about Father's Day bring fathers and fatherhood into everyone's consciousness, for me that stew pot of memories called "Dad," with it's very mixed bag of confusing emotions, gets seriously stirred up. Even though I know my father was the best dad he was able to be, I'm left feeling the complicated remnants of rage, love, sadness, hopelessness, and a kind of father-hunger driven emptiness at my core.

After years of self-discovery work and digging around in my family history, I've been able to find some true expressions of my dad's fatherly love. Like water in the desert, I treasure those few positive memories. Taken together, they form a small shield I can use to protect myself on Father's Day. At this point in my life, I'm exhausted by both talking and not talking about my dad issues. But when the third Sunday of June approaches each year, I find myself looking forward to the relief on the day after Father's Day when it all goes underground again.

In this dad season, I'm also very much reminded of the many men, adolescent males, and young boys I've come across in my man-making work who don't have any good dad memories at all to use as a defense on Father's Day. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I think of all the really bad dad stories shared across a circle by sobbing guys.

I have heard from countless men, young men, and boys who have never known a dad because he simply wasn't identifiable, because they were adopted at birth, or because of a court ordered separation from their fathers. Then there are all the dads who left during pregnancy, or the dads who were shot in the hood from gang violence. I remember a soft-spoken boy of ten whose initiation name was Steel Heart. He was in the room when his dad killed himself with a shotgun blast to the head. Then there are all the kids whose dads are in jail, or lost to PTSD or substance abuse. I'm just saying, I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I always wonder if just the idea of Father's Day has the result of re-wounding these fatherless males. I wonder if the day stirs up their deep, confusing, profound, and very well-defended sense of abandonment and father-loss. For them, again this year, it will be very much an Un-Father's Day.

So on this Father's Day, if you have the good fortune to honor a good dad, count your blessings and don't miss a chance to thank him. However imperfectly he fathered you, he was there and doing the best he could do. He deserves to be thanked and celebrated.

After giving your dad a blessing, take a moment to allow into your heart all those tragically abandoned or under-fathered young guys in the world around you who won't feel those good-dad feelings on Father's Day. Remember that on Father's Day, and every other day of the year, these guys will experience a profound hunger for the blessings that can only come from having a father in your life who cares about you. Remember all the boys and men who, maybe like me, are just hoping all this complicated dad business will pass by soon, go back underground, and that life somehow will get back to a survivable normal on the day after Un-Father's Day.

. . . I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

So on my Un-Father's Day card I'd write:

Blessings on good dads everywhere. Blessings on the dads who in some way checked-out and on the sad legacy they have to live with. And especially, blessings on dad-hungry males everywhere. Buried underneath all the drama and tragedy that kept you and your father apart, I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

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The Raven Weekend for Boys

Imagine a multi-generational male tribe . . . Elders, men, adolescent males, and young boys, all focused on a positive journey toward a solid manhood. That tribe is evolving in Tucson, AZ (and in lots of other places).

I just completed staffing another Raven Weekend. These are what I call a “welcome to the world of men” weekend experiences for 9-12 year-old boys. This was the first ever Raven Weekend in Tucson, AZ. While small in numbers, it was wildly successful for the men and boys involved. If you add the Raven Weekend to the efforts of Mankind Project active in this area initiating adult men, and our Rite of Passage Adventure Weekend for adolescent males, a true, multi-generational men’s hut is being created in this community.

On this weekend, the staff of a dozen plus solid staff introduced an amazing pack of 9 young boys to "the world of men." Men and boys played capture the flag, drummed, juggled with a chicken, got muddy, learned the art of camouflage, stalking prey, wilderness shelter building, talked about bullying, and sat around the fires for storytelling. They met men with large hearts, learned about men’s lives at different ages in the span of a life, and feasted on Pizza. Simply stated, boy heaven.

In addition to the above, there were activities designed to introduce discussions about the cycle of life (living and dying), to encourage age appropriate emotional expression, and lots of time to celebrate the gifts and unique wisdom of each boy. Watching boys go through all these experiences has a powerful impact on the men also. For me, words that describe a Raven Weekend experience include play, fun, learning, adventure, sweetness, remembering, blessings, and caring.

The weekend was skillfully led by Pete Young from Ashland, OR. Pete has been doing these weekends around the country and evolved a powerful template that is perfectly suited to the young male experience and energy output.

At the end of the weekend when the new Ravens were awarded a talisman honoring their experience, one young guy summed it up pretty well. He said, “it was the funnest weekend ever!”

At this link: http://tinyurl.com/2010TucsonRaven, you can see some of the photos of the Tucson Raven Weekend. If you weren't there, you won't see everything that happened and some of the pictures may not make sense. You’d have to talk to a staff man or Raven to get the whole story. If you’re really curious, or possibly want to host a Raven Weekend in your community, you can contact Pete Young.

If you can handle the energy output, you too may have the "funnest weekend" in a very long time.

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Who Was That Man, For You?

When I speak to groups of men about becoming man-makers for younger guys, I often hear excuses which if you probe deeper, are really thinly veiled fears about their feelings of inadequacy. In various ways men suggest they don't have what it takes, they won't measure up to the task in some way, or the sad notion they might even cause some harm to a young male.

In those sessions, when I encounter that fear, I like to invite them to remember their man-makers, the men that were present for them early on their journey to manhood. As those discussions unfold, beautiful stories of important connections are told. Sometimes as short as a few hours or brief conversations. Often we'll hear histories of long term involvements with a relative, neighbor, coach, or just "this guy" who was there for me. Sometimes men get teary remembering the impact an older man had in his life.

I like to remind men that their man-makers were not specially gifted, trained for mentoring, or unique in any way. They were just seeing something attractive or maybe a need in a young male, and responding . . . naturally. I love hearing these stories and have started collecting them. You can read a few in the "Men's Stories" section of the Man-Making website.

The story below is one of those tales of a good man showing up for a younger male in need sent in by Dave K., a blog subscriber. If you have a story like this, send it to me for the story archive or put it in the comment section of this post so we can all read it. These memories warm the heart and maybe, just maybe, they might encourage you to show up as a man-maker for a young guy in your life . . . naturally.

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A few weeks ago I began a car trip to northern part of the state. I had spent most of the summer driving, I was tired of being on the road, and I was happy this would finally be my last big drive of the summer. It was worth the effort though. My old friend, mentor, and work colleague Frank, had called and invited me up to his summer home for a visit. Frank is 80 and suffers from Parkinson's. I knew he had always been an active man so I asked if he would be up for a round of golf. "You bet" was his spirited reply.

Forty years prior, when I first joined the orchestra, I pretty much thought of myself as the hottest french horn player on the planet. Frank was there before me and had established himself in our workplace and in the community. He was a father of three, but for me Frank was the big brother I had never had. When I screwed up at work and my shame was overwhelming, he somehow knew and would always show up with sound advice and a comforting arm on my shoulder. To say that he was a mentor to me understates his value in my life. I always knew he cared about me and he was a constant example of the man I wanted to become.

As I teed up the ball for my first drive of the round with Frank, I just wanted to hit the ball into the fairway and not screw up too bad in front of him. Of course I swung too hard and the ball dribbled out 15 yards in front of me. Frank had been a great golfer and won many tournaments in the past. On this day however, he had to have his wife tee up the ball because his Parkinson's had robbed him of a steady hand. He stood for a long time in front of the ball with his body a little shaky, and then smoked it out about 100 yards. "I used to hit it a little longer than that" was his only comment. When we hit the 18th hole he remarked that he was tired. I said that I was glad that we were finally evenly matched. He laughed.

On that visit, I had been thinking about all the years that Frank had been such a positive force my life. So before I left I thanked him for his friendship and all the guidance he'd given me over the years. I said that whenever I don't know what to do I ask myself, "what would Frank do?," and I have the answer." He smiled and then looked at the ground, a little embarrassed. I'm glad I found the courage, in that too brief and awkward moment, to tell him how important he was to me.

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Woodshop, Tackle Boxes, Towers, and Good Men

I want to tell you a story about a man.

When I was a boy, from 8 till about twelve, my home life was powerfully shaped by alcoholism. There was always fear of irrational behavior and possibly screaming fights between my parents. There were mountains of disappointments from promises not kept, living in fear, never any money, and pretending it was all somehow normal and OK. My dad worked nights, slept days, and there was no place for me during his drinking time on the weekends. The other men of my family had long since run away from each other and I was left, alone, with my mom and sister to try make sense of it all. That's really the very short story.

Our next door neighbor was Mark Moore. Our houses were barely twenty feet apart and he was no stranger to the drama going on in our house. Mark was the father of two girls a little older than me and a very gentle man. I would later learn Mark had a different brand of insanity going on in his house, and his refuge was the woodworking shop in his garage. It became a refuge for me too.

The sound of his table saw was always a call for me to go hang out at Mark's. I loved the smell of fresh cut wood and the amazing ease with which Mark could turn raw lumber into useful objects. I don't remember anything of what was said between us, but I do remember working with him to build a footstool. For a kid from a house with maybe a screwdriver and pliers, actually helping to build something captured my attention for weeks. Going over the stool pattern, the sensual pleasure of sanding wood, the smell of the bit in wood when drilling holes, and using a hammer to put the thing together was all a thrilling experience for me. I still have that stool.

Mark was also the guy who introduced me to "getting the meat." One day he said, "Hey, you wanna go fishin?" Mark knew how to draw out the fishing foreplay. That single question meant days spent looking at maps and talking about where to fish. We discussed what to fish for, bait to use, what to do if you get a fish, and spent time getting the rods ready and hours of practice casting in the back yard. Then there was the big moment when he introduced me to the magic of a tackle box. When he opened the lid of that green box, I saw a collection of all the mysterious implements men use in this kind of hunt. There were lures, old bobbers, spinners, leaders, old line, line weights, knives, all enveloped in the most masculine fragrance a 9 year-old had ever encountered. I later learned it was the smell of thirty years accumulation of beer, gasoline, fish guts, and pipe smoke. To me it seemed each item in the box cast a unique spell and would be as irresistible to the fish as it was to me. While it's odd to me, I can only remember going fishing with Mark once and, except for a little catch-and-release sunfish, getting skunked.

We lived near Highland Park in St. Paul, Minnesota. The once highest point in the city was the thirteen-story Highland Park Water Tower. It was built in 1928, and when I was a kid it was a monolith that dominated my world. When Mark learned the tower was going to hold its annual two-day opening, he invited me and my best friend Larry to go along for the adventure. It was a long, 151 step climb though a very dark vertical tunnel, until we burst out into the light at the top. Until that moment, I had never seen a vista of that scale. Mark gave us each a boost up to see over the guard fence and pointed out all the important places in my universe. I saw my house, my school, the movie theater, the Mississippi River, the State Fair grounds, and even the distant downtown centers of Minneapolis and St. Paul. On that day, my sense of the world I inhabited came together in a much larger picture. I knew more about where I was and how my local haunts fit into that picture. That's what good men who risk involvement with boys do, even with out trying. Lift them up, teaching them about the world of men, giving boys a bigger picture of the possibilities, and helping them to see where they belong in the male order of things.

Mark died years ago and I missed his funeral. No one told me. But just the mention of a man with the same name, Mark Moore, I overheard yesterday, has flooded me with images, and feelings of love and gratitude for his influence. He taught me so much about being a man without even trying. He found countless ways to bless me with appreciation, compliments, and caring. He was a soothing balm for my imploded, anxious, and very ragged boy soul. I know he enjoyed the company of a young guy looking up to him, but his attentions made my world safe and much less frightening just because he was there.

Thank you Mark. I love you.

Earl

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7th Annual Guy's Hike

I just love to hike in the mountains. I love the physical exercise, being surrounded by beauty, and occasionally the challenge of a vertical climb. Seven years ago, as my interest in man-making was growing, I got the idea to share this passion with other men and boys.  I put out a call to some men friends to gather up their sons, young male relatives, or the sons of others, and bring them along. We try to keep the average age from 12 to 17, but there are occasionally some 7 or 8 year-old lads who heroically manage to finish. It started with about 9 males, but the average over the years is about 20. This year we had 19.

We most often hike in the mountains around Tucson, AZ. Prior to the hike we teach "hiking skills." How to stretch prior to the hike, the importance of drinking enough water in the desert environment, and how to hang together as a "band of brothers" supporting each other along the way. There is always a short discussion about how to deal with a rattlesnake or mountain lion encounter. Meeting either on the trail is extremely unlikely, but it ramps up the adventure quotient.

We try to pick a trail that has enough challenge for the boys (and some of the men) and which ends in a dramatic photo opportunity. This gives the boys something they can point to when describing the experience to others (bragging rights). At the end of the hike, we always circle up. We take time for each male to say what he liked best about the experience. That always creates some surprises for everyone and sweetness from the younger boys that always swells my heart. Then we put the young guys in a line and all the men shake their hands and congratulate each of them. It's a very powerful experience for most boys to be honored so directly by a group of men.

Here is the link to the photos of this year's hike. There are a thousand small and beautiful moments not captured, but you'll get the idea. For the record, the water in the photos was snow-runoff and freezing cold.

Do you have a hobby or interest that might just be shared in a similar way? Do you have a skill or passion you might risk offering to a few or many young males? You might be surprised how interested other guys are in the things that light you up. If you do, please share your story with us by sending me and email. If you have a passion you might consider sharing with some young guys, contact me if you want to brainstorm a little or need some encouragement. If you take this risk and get launched, I am certain that the experience will have all the rewards necessary to pull you forward. These kinds of experiences seem to have a way of transforming the men involved.

This year I folded the Guy's Hike into the work of the Desert Men's Council, Inc. That is a group of  men in my winter home of Tucson, AZ, who put on an annual rite of passage initiation weekend for boys, and also offer group mentoring through what we call our Men's Hut activities. This year, the Guy's Hike was one of the Men's Hut outings. The mission statement of our not-for-profit group is, Men in service, to boys, men, and our community. You can learn more about us and our work at the DMC website: desertmenscouncil.org

It's Just Showing Up for A Boy

Per your requests, this post is from one of you . . . it's Alan's story about the "call" to serve boys that he heard and how it all unfolded. We can learn a lot from each other in this work. If you have a similar story, we'd all like to hear it.

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My name is Alan and I'm from Boston, MA. My story began 4 years ago. I’m a man that works full time and has a fairly busy lifestyle, but for a long time I felt a need inside of me to "give back' to the community. Living day to day, I was feeling self-centered and I was looking for ways that I could volunteer and be a part of something that had some meaning. As a Dad, with my own son an adult now, I thought back to all the fun times my son and I shared when he was younger, the trips to the beach, playing catch, hanging out, biking, youth sports, and basically doing "fun" things. I thought that doing those things again would not only benefit a kid, but be fun for me also.

It was about that same time that a coworker of mine had been a Big in the past and had mentioned Big Brother Big Sisters. I did have the thought, "what will people think" because of my interest in a boy?  I don't know if that's what held me back from acting for so long, but it contributed to it. But I also kept thinking about the 60 boys on the waiting list at the local Big Brothers organization and how I wanted to be involved. As the idea worked on me I started realizing all the times that I could be spending with a kid instead of just hanging around. I thought about it for a long time, and after about a year, I finally made the decision to contact the local office and fill out an application.

After receiving a call from Big Brothers, I went for an interview. We discussed my interests, what type of boy I was interested in, and a "matching" of interests. Since Big Brother does all types of background checks, I waited. After about 30 days I was approved and the match process began.
 

Within two weeks I was told about a boy that has been waiting for one year for a Big. He seemed fine to me and we decided to meet at the BBBS office. His name was Nick and he was nine years old. Being torn between living with his Mom and his Dad, there was void in his life for a positive role model, stability and a non-authoritarian person. I think Nick and I hit it off right away. I was a bit nervous worry about what we were going to do together, and began forming elaborate plans for our time together. Ball games, amusement parks, etc. When I began meeting up with Nick, once a week, I realized that all he really wanted to do was to spend time with me. It wasn't about what we did, but about the time we spent together, on a regular basis. Just having me show up and spend time with him was all he really wanted.

It’s now been 3 years, Nick is 12, we are still friends and still see each other on a regular basis. An environment of trust, openness, and caring is what Nick needed, and what I needed too. He knows that he can talk to me about anything without "getting in trouble" or "being judged." We chat on the phone, meet up about twice a month and feel totally comfortable with each other. We now have a bond, a trust, a relationship that may just last forever.

All my fears and hesitancy very quickly turned to absolute joy. I love spending time with him, listening to him, sharing stories and learning about him. Just talking and sharing events of the day, helping with his schoolwork, and doing what he likes and wants to do is great for both of us. My only regret was that I waited a year to finally decide to do this. Today I receive compliments from family and coworkers on "how great" it is that I do this. Being a Big Brother for Nick makes me feel like I'm doing something positive, not only for him, but for myself.

I’ve learned that volunteering and being a part of a boy’s life is very rewarding. You don't need to be a certain type of individual, you don't need a college degree, just a willingness to spend a couple of hours a week with a boy. That is all. Do that and you'll make all the difference in his life, and in yours.

Blessing Boys

In the soon-to-be-published results of the annual survey of my blog readers, I received some wonderful compliments. It made me feel good. It's nice to be affirmed. I'm sure you like it too. For today's typical adolescent male . . . it can be a critical need.

Think about it. Where in your community can an adolescent male go and feel welcomed and connected to the people around him? A boy might be part of a church group, on a sports team, or something similar, but in my experience, these kinds of involvements are for the few, the lucky.

What is more often the case is that many adolescent boys feel invisible, surrounded by sources of negative attention, and live as outsiders in their own town. They wander the neighborhoods, empty lots, shopping malls, and parks looking for those few places where they can go to express their restless and physical energy without getting in trouble. For too many young males, the sense of being outside, disconnected, invisible, and irrelevant is enormously painful. As an adult male, there are a few simple actions you can take to ease this common form of boy pain without much effort on your part.

In the Man-Making book there are two steps prior to Blessing boys. I call them Seeing, and Acknowledging. Very simply put, when you are around boys, look at them and nod with a smile. Easy right. If you want to go the extra step from Seeing to Acknowledgment, simply say, "Hey guys." Or you could ramp it up by finding something interesting and positive about them and just say it . . . Hey dude that was really and awesome board maneuver... seems to me like you're defying gravity. Or, Dude, that pierced lip must have hurt when you had it done, you must be some kind of brave? ANYTHING positive you say, will be water in the desert for most young lads. Seeing and Acknowledging also happen to be easy and low-risk ways to step into intentional man-making. Try it and see what happens.

Blessing is the next step up, and goes beyond the positive comment in passing. It’s an intimate and positive statement about a young man’s value, potential, person, or power . . . and it’s designed to touch the receiver at his core. Dustin, a twenty something who contributed to the Man-Making book said, "On my graduation day, my school superintendent totally surprised me when he congratulated me. He said, 'Dustin, I hope we get more kids like you at our school. You are going to do great in life.' It was extremely uplifting and I will remember his comment for the rest of my life."

Blessing happens when an adult male catches a boy doing something especially well or identifies one of his positive attributes, skills, or tendencies. The man then names what he sees and adds a statement of value. In the process the boy is not only acknowledged, but is further elevated to a place of esteem. If you actually know the young man or he is part of your life in some way, your observation will have the weight of your history together hanging on it. The better you know the young man, the more you get him, the more potent your blessing will be.

One of the reasons blessings are so powerful is that they’re uncommon. So seldom are blessings offered that some of us, many years later, can remember special blessings we got from men in the past. For the same reason, it’s very possible that your blessing of a boy will be his first or will become the powerful memory that will stay with him a lifetime. Blessings provide so much transformational energy for such little effort it’s amazing they’re not a bigger part of all our lives.

Here is a video about an amazing teacher who has blessing down to a fine art. In the clip, notice the expressions on the kid's faces when they are complimented.. If you watch it to the end, you'll see how the ripple effect of goodness can make a huge difference in some lives.

Is there a young lad in your life you can bless today? This week? Will you?




If the clip doesn't show up, click here.

Who Mentored YOU?

One of the quickest ways to invite men into man-making is to get a bunch of them in a room and then ask them to talk about their mentors . . . the men who were influential in large and small ways in shaping their lives for the better. Uncles, neighbors, coaches, teachers, a boss, someone's dad, the guy at the local store . . . the list is endless. If it goes on for a while, quality remembering will begin to unfold memories which still have the power to wet a man's eyes. In those moments, there is no question about the importance of a caring man being involved with a young male.

Because January is National Mentoring Month, and January 6th just happens to be the sixth occurrence of Thank Your Mentor Day, I'm inviting you to remember a man or men, other than your father, who showed up for you when you were an adolescent. I asked this question of men when I was doing the research for the Man-Making book. To get you warmed up, you can read some of their responses at this link.

If you'd like more inspiration, check out the Who Mentored You? website hosted by the Harvard Mentoring Project. On their site you can listen to audio interviews about the special mentoring relationships of familiar celebrities such as Maya Angelou, Tom Brokaw, Ray Charles, Richard Dreyfuss, Clint Eastwood, Gloria Estefan, Quincy Jones and many more.

The lesson in all these stories is everyone has or had mentors. Some of them were intentional, some official, and some so informal we may not realize the impact of the relationship till late in our lives. In case you do remember an important mentor in your life, the good folks at the Harvard Mentoring Project have put up a special webpage where you can leave a written tribute to that person. I think it's a great exercise I guarantee will warm your heart.

Of course in honor of Thank Your Mentor Day you could also call or write your past or current mentors and directly acknowledge them for the gift of their influence. The next best thing to thanking one of your mentors this month would be to find a young guy and let him have the gift of your influence.

Happy New Year

and

Happy National Mentoring Month. 

Something To Add In 2010 from Earl Hipp and General Colin Powell

I love this time of new beginnings and re-visioning ourselves for the year ahead. Those fresh intentions most always carry the promise of becoming a better person in some way. Should you be inclined, I'd like to suggest an option for your consideration. How about taking another small step in your progress toward being a man-maker in some young guy's life. I say "another small step," because if you're reading this blog, you have at least taken a first step.

It just so happens that January is the ninth annual occurrence of National Mentoring Month. While the need for mentors is great, mentoring a young guy is a huge step in personal commitment to the cause. It's not appropriate for everyone, but if that is the call you hear, 2010 might be a good year to pursue that possibility.

HOWEVER, In the Man-Making book I talk about a "continuum of involvement" for men. On the low involvement end is doing nothing. That work starts with simply being aware that young males are watching you as a way to learn about manhood. All men are involved with that level of man-making, whether they know it or not. If you choose to do anything different because you know boys are watching, you're in the game!

From the "doing nothing" form of involvement, you could step up and choose to intentionally notice, and then acknowledge boys, with a positive greeting. Easy, right? You could go farther and actually affirm something you see in a young male you encounter or a boy you know personally and watch the young lad light up! Moving up on the continuum might be participating in a one-time activity that involves men and boys, or even getting involved with other men in support of boys in regular activities. I believe that when men get a taste of the returns from hanging out with young males, Masculine Gravity works on them and pulls them toward naturally wanting more.

While one-on-one relationships between a man and a boy are powerfully transformational for both males, boys need a lot of men in their lives, and at different levels of involvement. As it was in past tribal cultures, when there were lots of men around to watch and connect with in different ways, today's boys also need a variety of men around so they can construct a personal vision of manhood. I think that's how most of us did it anyway.

If you're thinking of a man-making resolution, how about deciding to intentionally do something . . . anything really. You can trust that positive gesture in the direction of a young male will make a difference. For some boys, even a small gesture on your part can be very powerful.

You'll get a lot of support from the messages that will be appearing for National Mentoring Month. The initiative is spearheaded by the Harvard Mentoring Project of the Harvard School of Public Health, MENTOR, and the Corporation for National and Community Service. On those websites you will find a way to search by zip code for different man-making opportunities near you. National Mentoring Month has the benefit of General Colin L. Powell as its key spokesperson, and his message is in the video clip just below. This year's theme is "Expand Your Universe. Mentor a Child." Earl's man-making call for 2010 is simply, "Do Something."

From myself and General Powell, blessings on your man-making in 2010.

If the clip doesn't show up, go to this link.

Boys to Men Initiation Weekend

You'll just have to forgive a few more than usual posts this month. You see I've been working with a band of brothers, 27 very solid man-makers, to put on a weekend long Rite of Passage experience for 17 adolescent males.

We had to find a location in the Arizona outback, identify and qualify the boys, and call the men to action. There was a small mountain of logistics, raising some money, deciding on the different experiences for the boys, and getting clear about what our messages about manhood we're going to be. To be sure, Spirit was present, and the gifts of inspiration, materials, location, and all the "right" men unfolded before us.

Once the weekend was launched, our version of a very ancient theater unfolded. The boys were delivered onto sacred masculine ground in the dark of the night. They were relieved of the "stuff" of the outside world and provided with enough clothing and essentials for the weekend. To the sounds of drums, the wild-eyed sons of mankind were introduced into our transformational and sacred masculine container.

For the rest of that night and for the next two days, the initiates were asked powerful questions, faced physically and emotionally challenging experiences, sang songs of strength and unity, played wild but meaning-filled games, spoke their truth to men, and faced the purifying heat of the final rituals.

When it was over, as is always the case, the boys were bonded by their common ordeal and the truths shared. They knew they had been witnessed and powerfully blessed by men. They knew they now had strong male allies and, going forward, the world would be less frightening. As new but intentional Journeymen, they stood stronger in their new selves and on the uncomfortable middle-ground between boyhood and manhood.

The men to were transformed. Their hearts had been captured by the boys and softened by tears of joy and old pain released. Men understood, at their core, the rightness of this work for them, and their place in the natural male order was made more clear. As is always the case, stronger and more open men, with wet eyes, sent the boys off in a powerful and silent goodbye at weekend's end.

The weekend was just the begining really. The Tucson group will be doing monthly group mentoring activities with their new Journeymen brothers. But for now, I and I suspect many of the males that attended, it's time to rest. A time tofigure out how to pull all these new feelings, experiences, and friends into my notions of who I am and my life. This is a very nice problem to have.

In this photo are good and "weight bearing" men, doing what ever it takes for a boys to men weekend to work.

I was saluting them in the photo and I again salute all man-makers where ever you are. This is a high and holy calling and there is much work left to do.

If you or your community is called to this work, send me a message.

The Making of a Hero

Inside every boy is a hero. It's a transformational moment when a man, a group of men men, or the other people around a boy see that piece of him . . . and then name it with a blessing. I challenge you to find something wonderful about the next adolescent male that crosses your path. See it, and then acknowledge it with a positive statement. Boys are use to being disciplined by men so his first reaction might be one of shock. Once that passes, watch for the amazing reaction in the young guy, and then notice what happens in you when he smiles.

If you can think of an example of a time you were on the receiving end of this kind of blessing, send it along or post it in the comments section. It will make us all happy, even if it's not our story.

I know this video has been around a while, but it's a wonderful example of hero making. Makes my eyes wet.



If the video doesn't play, visit this link to see it.

The 6th Annual Tucson Guy's Hike

Every year in recent history, as Gwen and I "snowbird" in Tucson, AZ, I've sponsored what I call the Tucson Guy's Hike. I happen to love to hike, and a few years back I started to share that passion with the men and boys in the circles I inhabit. Over time, the word has gotten out and in recent years we've always had 20 to 25 males on the adventure.

Just below you'll find just a few of the photos from this years hike. It's a great time, everyone loves it, and comes back tired. I've left out the photos of the ritual dip in the pool below the falls, but the icy snowmelt water gives everyone serious bragging rights on return.

We always do an honoring circle at the end to talk about what we liked, didn't like, and what we learned. Just before getting the tram back, we put the young lads in a line so the men can give each boy a blessing. It's a very heartwarming thing.

I'm posting this for two reasons. First, it's my blog and it makes me happy to relive the experience. Secondly, I'd like you to think about a passion you have that you might be willing to share with the men and boys in your world.

If you already have a story like this, please send it along for inspiration. Men and boys are waiting.

Enjoy and blessings.

Earl



If the slideshow above doesn't show, go to this link to see it.

Perfect Mentoring Opportunities

I often hear from men who were severely under-fathered or who missed any qualitative male mentoring growing up. It's my story too. In fact, not having been mentored is one of the common barriers that keep men from stepping into their man-making potential because they think they don't know how. It's a part of the reason that today we have what I term an epidemic of under-male-nourished boys in the world.

I received the following story from Steve S., a Man-Making Blog subscriber, describing both heart breaking and a heart swelling stories of boy mentoring. I am certain they will kick up some historical emotional dust for you.

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I have two memories I want to share with you that are totally divergent but mirror the craziness I grew up with. They have to do with how important recognition is to a boy and what motivates a boy to achieve self-reliance.

When I was a boy I was in the Cub and then the Boy Scouts. In scouting a boy has many passages when he moves from one level to the next. Sadly, it was rare for me to have my dad, or anyone from my family show up to see it. And I don’t recall my friends’ dads being there either; much less extended family or male neighbors. I had worked hard to win those merit badges and the advancement for life skills they represented, and I so badly wanted my dad, or someone, there to see it.

Instead, when I’d come home from the award meeting waving my new badge shouting “Hey dad, I’m a Wolf!,” all I ever got was “that’s nice.” It’s a wonder that I ever wanted to keep pushing ahead? I don’t think dad ever knew any of my feelings around this, and certainly none of the other men in my family ever knew what I had accomplished so they could join me in my joy. A sad collection of missed opportunities all around.

Just so you don’t think it was all bad, once while camping with my family in Colorado…when I decided I was ready…I went out to climb a mountain all by myself. I brought a canteen, some food, a sheath knife, a pole and an old tee-shirt to use as a flag. Dad said he would keep his binoculars trained on the mountain top and when he saw the flag go up he would put wet boughs on the campfire to celebrate my accomplishment, and important to me, let everyone in the campground know I had done it.
Seeing the cloud of white smoke from that not very high mountain top, within minutes of the flag going up filled me with pride. When I came down, people I did not even know gave me ‘atta-boy’s! Around that same campfire that night dad made me recount in detail my climb and how it felt. I cherish that memory now!

From the eyes (and heart) of a young boy, the attentions of his father or an older man, delivered at the right moment, can be life changing.

Keep up the good work Earl, and thanks for allowing me to think, feel, and reflect.

Steve

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If this post helped you to "think, feel, and reflect," consider commenting on this post. We'd all like to hear your story.

LAAMB-ing and not FRAP-ing Boys

Out of the Boys to Men network has come a beautifully simple job description for a man who is mentoring a boy. It's called LAMMB-ing. It stands for Listen, Accept, Admire, Model, and Bless. It's something that most men can do without much effort. This man-making job description is easy enough that it might help to take away some of the fears so many men carry that prevent them from mentoring a young male. Like the one that says, "Who I am and what I know is not enough to be a man-maker for a boy."

As I write this I'm having the feeling that I too, would like to be LAMMB-ed more often. That even in my elderhood, I still hunger for men in my life who will listen to me without judgment, regularly admire my gifts, model behaviors I can learn from and absorb, and who will drop the occasional blessing on me. Who of us reading this wouldn't feel safe, cared for, and blossom in that kind of relationship?

In addition to the sweet "to do" list inherent in LAMMB, two of my man-making heroes, Edoardo Lippolis and Collin Irish at Threshold Passages, Inc., have added another acronym that takes the art of man-making up a notch. It's the very intentional avoidance of FRAP-ing others.

FRAP stands for Fixing, Rescuing, Advising (unsolicited), and Projecting. In general, these are behaviors that mentors try to stay away from in a mentoring relationship. The goal is to create an environment in which LAAMB can occur, and which creates inclusion and healing. In my experience, there is a beauty in the gentle support described by the LAMMB behaviors, and real danger when I man feels compelled to direct a young male's path through life. The problem shows up most often is when the young man is making poor choices. Those behaviors call up the latent parent, therapist, cop, or all those other potentially inappropriate and possibly damaging roles men can play. The temptation of course is to be seen as all knowing by having all the answers, even if you have to make up something that just sounds smart. Men never do that . . . right?

To avoid FRAP-ing someone, the men at TPI suggest waiting until the young male is "soliciting advice of his own volition." When that happens, and IF the man really does have solid information, he can share it with the young man. If he does not have solid information, he points the lad to someone who does. Not only does this process keep the relationship comfortable for everyone, it also gives a man the opportunity to model humility and the importance of asking others for help.

While each element of LAAMB and FRAP could have a short course all to itself, taken literally and applied, they provide the basis for safety and trust in any relationship.

If you want to know more about LAAMB-ing, FRAP-ing, and the Rites of Passage Adventure Weekend being offered by the men at Threshold Passages, Inc. check out their website at: http://www.thresholdpassages.org/

And then why not start LAMMB-ing the boys that cross your path . . . starting today?

Band of Brothers: Older Men Learning to Bless. . . and Step into their Right Male Place

Witness the opening of the hearts and minds of men. Men finding themselves, so they are prepared to bless and support boys. It's a beautiful thing.



If the video is not visible, you can view it at this link.

Is there a hunger for this in you?