What One Man Can Do

In too many communities, there are no or few "boy places." Think about it, where are those places in your neighborhood or community where boys can hang out, be boys, burn off energy, and have fun?Where are the places where boys won't scare the local population (or law enforcement) and attract negative attention? If we're talking out doors, it's often either a basketball court or a skateboard park. That's if the boys are lucky. This is a story about a skateboard park and one motivated man who get's it.

Mark Crothers, is just "a guy" and native resident of Algonac, Michigan. He received the Algonac Asset Award from the Mayor and city council for rejuvenating the town's skate board park. Mark said that prior to the skate park's construction in 2001, he and other guys, "...couldn’t skate anywhere without being stopped by local police and/or business owners...." That's when Mark and others raised the money to build the skate park.

This last year Mark realized the almost 20-year-old skate park was hurting. As the Mayor said when giving out the award, “Mark has fond memories of the park and sprang into action when it fell into disrepair.” Mark gathered up a dozen or so people of different ages, again raised some money, and together they seriously buffed up the park. They even got three artists to come out and create, "...murals and graffiti art throughout the ramps."

...a robust role model
demonstrating leadership and compassion...

When she gave out the award, the Mayor described how, during the process, Mark had been, "...a robust role model demonstrating leadership and compassion to the younger skaters who use it now." The Mayor also honored the young boys who helped with the skate park redo, calling them individually to the front of the room and presenting them with certificates. How awesome is THAT in this age when too many young males are highlighted for bad behavior and demeaned by the media?

In closing the award ceremony, the Mayor and others offered a number of powerful predictions and blessings. One I really like came from Mayor Pro Tem, Rocky Gillis. He said, “Every time a person steps up and volunteers to help something, they own a little piece of that,... Every one of those kids that helped now are going to be the ones that make sure that it stays the way it is for generations to come.”

Mayor Stoneburner said, "... Mark has become a mentor to our own children in this community, ... It doesn’t always happen like this, and I couldn’t be more proud of our community, Mark, and these boys.”

The Mayor also made what I think is a valid prediction. Referring to the boys she said, “They’re seeing how to mentor, they’re learning how to do this, and when they grow up, they’re going to be up here with a crew of kids helping them having done something,” ... “I’m just sure of it. Thank you so much, gentlemen.”

Isn't this an amazing and wonderful story about the impact one motivated man rallying a few allies, can have in the lives of a lot of boys and in the life of his community. You can read the whole story in The Voice, an online Newspaper about Algonac and the surrounding area.

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The Gentlemen's Agreement

For years I've been writing about how so many of our young boys need the support and guidance from non-parental adults. In some ways, it's a replacement for, or addition to, the approach of surrounding them with extended family and "it takes a village...," that used to be how raising kids was naturally done. The basic idea is providing kids with this kind of exposure to caring adults in schools!

"...the new norm for education..."

The genius in this idea is that schools are where the boys are corralled and where we can get their attention. This is what one New Jersey high school principal, profiled in my last blog post, described as, "...the new norm for education..." where we put, "...some loving people in the (school) building...."

In my winter home in Arizona, I'm working with Boys to Men Tucson, where a big part of our programming is putting trained and background-checked men into middle and high schools. They offer support group experiences to young men aged 12-17 during the school day. The academic data we've collected, the boy's reports, the praise from the schools, and the feedback from parents all tell us this is clearly an idea whose time has come.

Participants in The Gentlemen's Agreement

A recent article in The Wilson Times, from Wilson, North Carolina, describes a similar program for boys called, The Gentlemen's Agreement. This program was started at the high school level and has now moved into two elementary schools. They know it's working because when you can get a fifth grader to say he has "learned to take responsibility for his actions," you have clearly and positively altered the trajectory of that young man's life.

The Gentlemen's Agreement program offers career inventories, has conversations about college or other careers, teaches leadership skills, and covers heady ideas like what it takes to become a good man! Who would you, dear reader, be today if you had exposure to these ideas when you were in the 5th grade? You can read all about this wonderful program in The Wilson Times article.

On the Man-Making Blog, if you put the word "school" into the right sidebar search window, you will find many years' worth of descriptions of school-based programs like The Gentlemen's Agreement for boys. What all these programs have in common is they need people like you to help them run. I like to say that what the boys need and really want is time with gloriously imperfect men, who care enough about our young guys to show up.

"Because you're still reading this post,
it means you're interested and qualified..."

If not yet, this idea of supporting boys in schools will soon be arriving in your community. Because you're still reading this post, it means you're interested and qualified to participate. You could start now by asking around about volunteer opportunities at a school near you. Or maybe you can start a boy's group in a school! If you're interested, give me a shout, and we can talk about how to do it.

What I know for sure is that the boys are waiting for men, just like you, to appear and make a difference in their lives.

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Putting Boys in a Cell on Wheels

One really creative initiative for keeping at risk boys out of jail was described in an article in the Milwaukee Neighborhood News (MNN). It's about a rolling jail cell on wheels! The mobile cell is part of the work of the Phenomenal Men’s Support Group (PMSG), a nonprofit dedicated to, ". . . helping youth make good decisions that lead to positive futures."

Johnson “Smithy” Chapman, a PMSG member, describes how they partnered with the Milwaukee County Sheriff’s Department to create the “Cell on Wheels.” For the last six years, the group has taken their rolling jail cell to neighborhood events to show young people what it’s like to be incarcerated. They routinely visit community events including church gatherings, school events, and block parties.

Mr. Chapman said most of the PMSG members are men in their 50s. Like him, most are military veterans, and some have suffered negative life consequences, including incarceration because of substance abuse or drug dealing. After serving in Vietnam, Chapman himself struggled with PTSD and substance abuse, which led to a three-year jail sentence.

As the young people visit the rolling cell, the PMSG men are there telling them stories, encouraging them take their education seriously, and become contributing members of society. By creating Cell on Wheels, Mr. Chapman says he hopes to, ". . . shatter misconceptions and provide a clear picture of life in prison."

In this audio clip, Mr. Chapman describes what the PMSG men are doing:

To read the whole story about these men and their great idea, go to the full article in the Milwaukee Neighborhood News at this link.

"...use your life's experience
to create a better world..."

What a great way to make a point to vulnerable youngsters, and to use your life's experience to create a better world at the same time. The PMSG men are doing their part to reduce youth incarceration and the school to prison pipeline. I can't help but wonder what our communities would be like if all men showed up sharing their important life experience with our boys in some way.

I honor the good men of the truly Phenomenal Men’s Support Group. Thank you for stepping up. You are all truly phenomenal!

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Does being “pro-boy” mean “anti-girl?”

In a short article titled, Save Our Boys, by Esther J. Cepeda in the Washington Post, she describes her conversation with Dr. Leonard Sax. Dr. Sax is the author of the book, Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men. Dr. Sax, M.D., Ph.D., is a family doctor, a PhD psychologist, and the founder of the National Association for Choice in Education (NACE).

In the description of his book Dr. Sax says, "Something scary is happening to boys today. From kindergarten to college, American boys are, on average, less resilient and less ambitious than they were a mere twenty years ago. The gender gap in college attendance and graduation rates has widened dramatically. While Emily is working hard at school and getting A’s, her brother Justin is goofing off. He’s more concerned about getting to the next level in his video game than about finishing his homework."

Something scary is happening to boys today.

At the heart of her story, Ms. Cepeda uncovered Dr. Sax's disappointment with how often showing up for boys is seen as being anti-girl. It's sad, but often the reality I've encountered in speaking to groups. In Ms. Cepeda's interview with Dr. Sax, he said, “. . . I didn’t have an appreciation for the degree to which this topic is political,”. . . . “The assumption is that if you advocate for boys, you are right-of-center, and if you advocate for girls you are left-of center. And you must work very hard to make people understand that not only are the politics not the most important issue, but that if you’re seeing boys as the ‘losers’ of good education and work opportunities, girls are not the ‘winners,’ either. But when you start talking about offering boy-friendly instructional strategies, then you must be against girls.”

Dr. Sax does offer gender-neutral prescriptions in his book. He told Ms. Cepeda, “With just a little bit of training and permission, administrators and teachers can greatly boost achievement for boys without drowning out girls,” Sax said. “It is not a zero-sum game. Gender-aware instructional strategies don’t cost much money and have the potential to get boys excited about writing and girls excited about computer coding. But the notion that boys and girls need something different to love writing or computers is deeply offensive to scholars.”

Sadly, Dr. Sax has become cynical about ever finding a motivated audience and has returned to full-time medical practice. I believe Dr. Sax is very much on the right track. Too many of our young males are "adrift," and would benefit greatly from experimentation with young-male-focused educational approaches. I also feel the overarching quest should be to come up with an educational system that brings out the best in all of our children.

The Program for International Student Assessment, or PISA, which collects test results from 65 countries for its rankings, says in 2012, "U.S. students ranked below average in math among the world's most-developed countries. They were close to average in science and reading." Taken directly from their data, 29 nations outperformed the United States in math, 22 in science, and 19 in reading, all much worse performance than the data collected in 2009. All of our kids deserve better.

As you consider the idea of more young-male-literate educational approaches, check out what comes up for you! Are you carrying a gender bias when it comes to their education?

You can read Ms. Cepeda's full article on her Washington Post web page, and find Dr. Sax's book on Amazon.

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We Got This - Young Dudes Cleaning Up the Hood!

Why would fifty young males actually show up to do some cleaning at 8 AM on a Saturday morning?

If you've been reading the Man-Making Blog for a while, you know I'm crazy for the stories where one man gets an idea and winds up changing the world . . . or at least the lives of people in his corner of the world. This is one of those stories and the man, one of my heroes, is Andre Ellis from Milwaukee.

Andre in black hat

In a story by WUWM - Milwaukee Public Radio, Andre is described as a playwright, a community gardener, and the man behind the "We Got This" program. As is often the case, the idea for a program to support young black youth actually came to get Andre, but he stepped up to grow and develop the idea.

It began last spring when an 11-year-old named Jermaine got arrested for breaking and entering. Jermaine is from a part of Milwaukee where thousands of the men are currently or have been in prison. It's a place with few jobs, lots of poverty, drugs, violence, and all the things that go along with those conditions.

When the boy's mom came to Andre with the sad story of her son's arrest, he was able to intervene with the police and get him released. Andre offered Jermaine $20 if he would meet him on a Saturday morning and do some "cleaning up where he messed up!" Jermaine did show up and worked hard alongside Andre. They had some great conversation and the two guys bonded some. The following Saturday, Jermaine showed up with 5 friends all ready to work . . . and get paid.

Andre saw what might be possible, put out the call for men and money, and the "We Got This" program was launched. On a given Saturday now, up to fifty young men show up and are put to work cleaning up their community. They are mentored along the way by some of the men from the community. Not only is this a rare opportunity for young guys to become a part of community life by being in service, but they get the additional benefits of being around good men too. The twenty bucks doesn't hurt either.

"I am great. I am mighty.
I am awesome. I am magnificent....”

You can read the whole story on the WUWM website. On that page you can also hear the audio report and, in it, hear Andre pumping up the young men with inspiration and guidance. The boys follow his lead and chant, "I am great. I am mighty. I am awesome. I am magnificent....” This is one beautiful story of a good man caring about a young guy and being willing to step into action.

Andre is making a huge difference in the lives of many young men and in the life of his community. At the same time, I am absolutely certain that the adult men working with him in the "We Got This" program with him are getting the gifts of brotherhood, pumped-up male-esteem, and the respect and gratitude of their neighbors. These brothers are doing men's work and everyone benefits when that happens and when men say, "We Got This!"

Everyone benefits when men say,
"We Got This!"

Just imagine what you and a couple of your men friends might create for a few of the young dudes in your community. If, after reading this, you have even a hint of "maybe I could do something," contact me and let's kick some ideas around. I know two things for sure: Because you're reading this, you are the man for the job, no question. Second, I'm just as certain there are a few young guys out there, right now, waiting for you to show up.

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Teaching Young Men To Prevent Sexual Violence

Tim Wernette is a Gender Equity Educational Specialist with the University of Arizona/AZ Department of Education, and a regular contributor to the Man-Making Blog. He has been involved with the pro-feminist men's movement since the late 1970s and has volunteered at the Tucson rape crisis center doing educational outreach. He sent along this personal story about how sexual assault touched his life when he was a young man.

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What today I know was a sexual assault happened at the house I was renting with some other guys near Michigan State University. It happened in the late 1960s when I was a young man in my early 20’s. I was a naive, sexually inexperienced, and ignorant college kid. It was also in the days before the women’s movement and feminism. The short story of what happened is one of my roommates picked up a high school girl he knew to party for the weekend. She was a virgin, he got her really drunk Saturday night, and he took her upstairs to his bedroom and had sex with her. After more than forty years, my memory of the details is a little hazy, but the feelings of sadness, regret, and guilt for not saying or doing anything to prevent that act are as vivid as ever.

. . . the feelings of sadness, regret, and guilt
for not saying or doing anything
to prevent that act are as vivid as ever.

In those days people didn’t talk about “date rape.” If they talked at all about men and sex, it was all about a guy’s high sex drive and need to score, or women asking for it by dressing/acting seductively. Rape is what happened in some dark alley or park, and was done by a sleazy stranger. There wasn't any education about sexual assault or date rape. Any prevention messages you might hear were all directed to the women: Don’t go out alone at night; Don’t drink too much; Take a self-defense course and learn how to protect yourself. The unspoken message was “boys will be boys,” or maybe even, it's okay for boys to be boys and act out sexually. At the time of the incident, my feelings aside, I really didn’t realize my roommate was actually doing anything wrong.

Today, it’s called sexual assault and it’s understood that it’s not really about sex, but about violence, power, and feeling control over someone. We also know that most sexual assaults are committed by someone the target knows, an acquaintance, a friend, a partner or even a husband. In addition to educating girls/women about the dangers of sexual assault and how to protect yourself, today, boys/men are also being taught about sexual assault and the dangers for men as perpetrators and as potential targets.

In addition, there is a new front line in the sexual assault prevention arena. It’s a focus on the bystander(s). Bystanders can be anywhere along a continuum from actually doing nothing and supporting the assault (as I did), to stepping in with actions to prevent the assault. One solid article on that topic is from the New York Times titled, Stepping Up to Stop Sexual Assault. The article explores this new terrain where both women and men can intervene with both gender targets and perpetrators to stop sexual assault before it happens. Among the interesting facts, the article mentions somewhere around 3% of college men account for 90-95% of campus rapes. The goal is to get the other 97% of guys to “come into the room and help with the problem.”

Research shows that if one person stands up and intervenes, others will also; but if no one stands up, others won’t either. This challenges all of us to develop the courage and skills to step in and keep a possible sexual assault from occurring. I’m still haunted by the look on the girl’s face when she came down for breakfast Sunday morning, and her fear, shock, and bewilderment about what had happened to her the night before. I want to do what I can to insure our young men know how to stand up for potential victims and have the courage to do so. I don’t want anyone to have to live with sadness, regret, and guilt for not intervening.

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For those working with young men, there are lots of resources on the web that can help with formal and informal bystander intervention training; just Google it. As the New York Times article, which Tim mentioned, points out, when one guy gets in the way of another guy in pursuit of getting laid, it’s not called “bystander intervention,” but “shot blocking” and there is some considerable skill involved. In the educational campaign from the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, their website suggests a simple formula called The 3 Ds of Active Bystandership. The 3 D’s are Direct, Distract, and Delegate.

Here is a short video clip showing a skilled active bystander in action. He’s using a slightly different formula, Disrupt, Distract, Redirect, but it’s a great example of what might be possible.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

If you have a way to do it in a group or just in a conversation, take the risk to let young men know where you stand on sexual violence. Keep it simple, show a video, or have a conversation about this blog post. Offer your own version of bystander training and in doing so, let them know when it comes to sexual violence, you have to take a stand. It might just prevent very painful consequences in the lives of some of the young men and women you know.

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CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

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Books, Workshops and Creepy Movember Facial Hair

Man-Making Ebook: I'm happy to announce the second edition of the Man-Making book is now available for the Kindle from Amazon.com at this link. At present, you can get it for $2.99 U.S. It's my hope that this ebook will make it easier for my non-U.S. partners in mission to get access to the book.

I'd like to see a global army tackling what I call the epidemic of lost, damaged, and under-male-nourished boys. If you're in the U.S., you can use the same link to order the print version for just over ten dollars U.S. plus shipping.

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Raising Our Sons Workshop: I've partnered up with my friend, Tim Wernette, a gender-equity educator, and Marilyn Heins, a retired pediatrician, author, and newspaper columnist, to present the Raising Our Sons workshop. It's from 9 to noon on Saturday, November 23, at the Tucson, AZ, YWCA.

While this workshop will only be of interest to Tucson locals, I'm mentioning it here as an example of what a few people can do to shift the public conversation. We want to move away from the too prevalent nightly news version of out of control young males as a community liability, and talk about the problems facing parents and young males today. We want to speak to the things we can do to support "our boys," and to help them become the best men possible. The often quoted phrase attributed to Frederick Douglass couldn't be more true in our time: It's easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. You can read an article about the workshop in the Arizona Daily Star at this link.

Is there a location in your community where you might host a conversation about how to support boys on their challenging journey toward manhood? If you want to brainstorm possibilities, send me a note. You may be surprised at the turnout if you raise that flag.

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CREEPY MOVEMBER FACIAL HAIR
We're now half-way though Movember. If you haven't heard by now, Movember represents the combination of the words Moustache and November and it's also the name of the month-long and global movement inviting men to grow MOs, or mustaches, to raise awareness of men's health issues. Why raise awareness? Men die, on average, five years earlier than women. Many of the reasons have nothing to do with biological factors, but are more about men not taking their physical and emotional health seriously. For a description of the behaviors killing men off early, some dire statistics about men's health, and a description of some of the events and activities in the U.S., go to the U.S. Movember website.

Men die, on average, five years earlier than women.
Many of the reasons have nothing to do with biological factors . . .

Even though it's mid-month and you haven't started your Mo yet, this hilarious "Stashdance" video from Nick Offerman may just inspire you to begin! In addition to promoting awareness of men's health issues, the benefits he describes for growing a Mo may surprise you (don't miss the ending).

If this clip doesn't show up use this link

Finally, more in service to vanity than Movember and men's health, here is a clip from The annual World Beard and Moustache Championships. If you're looking for ideas and your beard grows really fast, check this out for inspiration!

If this clip doesn't show up use this link

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Stupid Boy Killing and Some Hope

RANT WARNING: OK, I’m sad and pissed off. I’m writing today in a burst of emotion and don’t feel like I want to make sense. I mean the world doesn’t make sense to me right now. So I’m just putting it all out here.

In today’s paper there is a story about a lost seventeen year-old boy who helped mastermind the robbery and unintended killing of his own grandmother, by himself and his boy pack.

Grandma was great. She was a positive force in her neighborhood that helped with mowing, looked after others' houses, and shared her peach crisp recipe. She volunteered at her church and helped with Vacation Bible School. She had played a role in raising her grandson and was a big support to the family after his mom divorced his dad. Grandma was even trying to get her grandson help for his drug use. As the article reported, her grandson and his siblings were “the love of her life.”

The grandson and his teen boy pack of three plotted a robbery, stalked her house, and then broke in. The oldest boy in the pack then cut grandma with a knife and forced her to write him a check for $1500. He then stabbed and strangled her while the grandson played lookout. It’s all stupid, stupid, stupid, horribly tragic, and profoundly sad.

So yes, I’m upset this whole sad drama has come to pass. I’m also sad about the other articles in the same paper describing other stupid young guy’s actions. Shootings as part of the too common, “Lord of the Flies” style gang theater, and reckless driving involving a crash and a death.

We know the pre-frontal cortex in teen male brains is not fully wired. The dudes can’t always think through the long-term consequences of their actions. That’s why dumb but exciting activities somehow make sense to them. In truth, the young guys are handicapped individuals until sometime in their mid-twenties. They deserve our love and some compassion, but they also require our constant attention and guidance. The thing that makes me really angry in the article about the grandson is that again, I got to read the too common adult disclaimer, “I didn’t see it coming at all.” Really, give me a break!

"I didn’t see it coming at all."
Really, give me a break!

Seemingly every day in the press, online, and in the “news,” we are presented with more evidence that too many angry, lost, under-managed young guys, in packs or alone, with access to drugs, who can drive cars or get weapons, are going to find a way to create havoc in their lives, and inflict unbearable pain on their families and in the lives of those in their communities. What the adult is really saying in that brief disclaimer is some version of: “It’s not my fault, I didn’t want to get involved, it’s not my business, someone should have helped that kid, kids these days, I’ve got my own problems,” and, “it’s not my responsibility.” I’m tired of hearing those responses. Those phrases are most often spoken by people whose lives haven’t YET, been messed up by an out of control young male.

As a Man-Making Blog reader, you know my response; it’s, “Do something! Please!” I do what I do with young guys for a lot of reasons, but on top is the fact that I do feel some responsibility and I don’t like these uncomfortable feelings that are the cost of inaction. When I read these sad stories, at least I can say, “I accept some responsibility, I’m glad I’m involved, it IS my business, and I can and do make a difference in the lives of some young men.” What if you and all the other Man-Making Blog readers, and all your men friends felt the same and did something for a kid somewhere? What would that world look like?

In January of this year, I did a Man-Making Blog post about the Continuum of Involvement, from the Man-Making book and my Man-Making trainings. The basic idea is that there is a continuum of action options for those of you who may be willing to do something. It all starts with the smallest of gestures, low personal risk and little time required. Check out that post, and then see if there isn't something you’re willing to do. Or contact me and let’s see what might be possible for you.

I believe they are all “our boys,” I know they need good men (like you) in their lives, and I can promise there is something you can do today to make a difference, maybe THE difference. I'm dedicating my next steps to this kid's grandma.

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A Couple of BAM's for Boys

As a follow-up to the recent Man-Making Blog post, Men in Schools - for Boys, and in support of this very form of Man-Making, I want to share an interesting article from the Chicago Tribune. It describes research conducted by the University of Chicago’s Crime Lab on 800 disadvantaged boys, from seventh through tenth grade, in one Chicago school district.

The boys were enrolled in BAM, or Becoming A Man—Sports Edition programs during the 2009-2010 school year. While that program is alive and well today, during the research period, BAM offered boys one-hour, small-group sessions, once a week, where they could develop social skills associated with self-control, goal setting, and emotional development. The core values taught in BAM include:

• Integrity
• Accountability
• Self‐determination
• Positive Anger Expression
• Visionary Goal‐setting

In BAM Sports, they also wisely use after-school sports activities to help reinforce the program values. This time also creates the opportunity to teach boys important lessons on conflict resolution, with the coaches playing the role of instructor and facilitator.

Just some of the results from the University of Chicago’s Crime Lab research indicated the participants, " . . . experienced a 44 percent drop in arrests for violent crime and an up to 23 percent increase in graduation rates."

These numbers are especially meaningful because the Tribune states in this same school district, ". . . 319 students were killed or injured by gun violence during the last school year, the highest in four years, and a nearly 22 percent increase from the previous school year." I've often quoted the old African proverb that states, "If the young men are not initiated into the life of the village, they will burn it down just to feel the heat." That is clearly what was going on in this school district. The good news is BAM Sports is one very gender literate and school-based approach to reaching out to otherwise lost boys.

High Quality and Pro-active
Community Violence Prevention

BAM Sports and all the programs engaging at-risk boys represent high quality and proactive community violence prevention. If outcomes like those in this research continue to be replicated, not only will there be tremendous social gains measured in boys' lives saved, crime reduction, and increased quality of life in their communities, there will also be huge savings in taxpayer dollars. In a related press release, the Crime Lab Director, Jens Ludwig, said, "depending on how we measure the costs of crime," they expect returns on investment of somewhere between 3:1 to 31:1. In just dollars, the BAM Sports program costs $1,100 per participant compared to $3,600 - $34,000 for dealing with lost boys.

For a more detailed description of this program and it's outcomes read this description in the University of Chicago online news.

But one more quick BAM . . . for boys.

This next BAM (and, yes, there are lots of programs by that name) stands for Boys Advocacy and Mentoring. It was started by three Portland, Oregon area men who are counseling professionals. It has been developed over the thirty years of their combined experience working with boys and their families.

These men realized many boys’ difficulties arise from limited relational abilities in an increasingly relational world. On their website they state, "How can we see boys as something other than as problems? How can we effectively help boys resolve the difficulties they face? We recognize and support what is natural about boys’ behavior and realize the necessity of helping boys to connect more with themselves and others."

Out of their work with boys, families, and from doing groups for boys in schools, they have developed a solid guidebook for those of you interested in facilitating school-based programs for boys. They call it the BAM! Boys Advocacy and Mentoring: A Leader's Guide to Facilitating Strengths-Based Groups for Boys. In the author's words, "The BAM! Group Guidebook outlines a group experience which introduces school-aged boys to new perspectives on what it means to be male and helps them build the relational skills they need to become healthy men." If you'd like a peak at the book's table of contents, you can download this PDF file. It will let you see the broad scope of subject matter a school-based group can cover.

To learn more about this BAM, the book, and the men doing this work, visit their website.

Please realize that you don't have to be a professional to show up for boys in schools. If you're a motivated man with a couple of guy friends, there is a way you, too, can learn to work with boys. If you are inclined but don't know where or how to start, give me a shout. The need is way too great to have good men on the sidelines; the boys are waiting.

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Building Strong Boys and Communities

I like to profile organizations doing the important work of supporting boys, men, and communities. In the following contributed post, Colin Irish, a very solid man-maker, describes the process his organization, Threshold Passages, Inc.(TPI), went through to move from doing great work with men and boys to the larger challenge of building strong communities. Colin is the President of TPI, Inc., a good friend, and a man who is rapidly becoming what I call a communitarian!

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The Wheel. Imagine being the person that invented it. Total genius. But never mind inventing it again. Nobody wants to do that. Or do they?

I run Threshold Passages, Inc., (TPI), a community-building, non-profit organization based in Denver, Colorado. As our name indicates, our original mission was to do rites of passage events for boys, followed by mentoring (See video clip at the end ). When we were the new kids on the block, naive and eager, we got our original operational guidelines from a national organization. It was full of how to’s and prescriptions. We gratefully soaked up the wisdom of those who had gone before us.

After a while, however, we realized the “one size fits all” prescription didn’t fit so well. We took some programming lumps, learned some things the hard way, and eventually, we took the risk to come up with our own way of doing things. For a long while we lived in the old adage that says, “It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.” Then one happy day, we finally realized we could give ourselves permission to do what worked for our community! That’s when the wheels really started turning. Creativity was unleashed and new ideas started popping up that got everyone excited.

In fairly short order, our mission expanded from serving only boys in a certain age range (12-17yrs) to creating offerings for their parents, too. Instead of a classic mentor-mentee match-up, a group mentoring format was started that was a better fit for our men and boys. We were learning as we went, often creating what we needed on the spot. When we started our own leader training programs, I got the call from the national non-profit asking, “Why reinvent the wheel?” My immediate answer, “Because it’s so fun!”  The truth was that we were being pulled (led) by our community to fill in some critical blanks by responding to the call we heard, and it was exciting. It wasn’t long after that call we decided to change our name, changed our relationship with the big national non-profit, and became an independent local entity.

We went from an outfit committed to building
strong boys and men
to one committed to building a strong community.

Today we are still reinventing, coming up with new programs and approaches as part of our business model . . . programs that really fit our community. We have reorganized, and changed our mission from solely serving boys to serving whole families. We went from an outfit committed to building strong boys and men to one committed to building a strong community.

Most recently, in addition to the Journey to Manhood (J2M) program, we’ve added a female led program for girls called Journey to Womanhood (J2W). That’s when we started to become an organization that serves the whole village. We’re expanding from working with teens, too. The younger boys and girls need something to belong to and the young adult men and women are asking for help with adult life. We’ve also put out a call to our elders – men and women over fifty years old who wish to serve – saying, “We need you!” The response was essentially, “Sure, but what does an elder do?” Turns out we’re not sure how to build that elder wheel, so we’re looking into creating an elder training.

As President of TPI, with 9 years’ experience supporting young people moving toward adulthood and their families, my suggestion is to simply start with what you have. Starting is important. Do the thing you and your allies are called to do. Anything you do will be better than not being there for your young people. Don’t be discouraged by the bumps in the road, and don’t hold your initial ideas too tightly. Stay open, let your experience guide you, and enjoy the excitement of learning along the way. In this way, boys, girls, men, women, elders, families, and your community will be best served . . . and you will have a grand adventure.

Collin Irish, President, Threshold Passages,
303-889-2800
Web: thresholdpassages.org

Here is a short peak at the TPI Rites of Passage Adventure Weekend for Boys.



If the clip isn't visible use this link.

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Your iStuff, Steve Jobs, and a Man-Maker

You may not realize it, but you wouldn't have all your Apple iStuff if a very good man hadn't stepped up for Steve Jobs and the boys in his neighborhood!

In the October 6th issue of Computerworld's on-line newsletter there is an interview with Steve Jobs from way back in April of 1995. In the exchange, Steve talks about how his dad, Paul, a machinist, was very gifted working with his hands. He had a workbench in his garage where, when Steve was five or six, he partitioned off a small section of it for Steve. They spent a lot of time together tinkering with things, including some very basic electronics. But it wasn't until his family moved to Silicon Valley that Steve really discovered his passion for electronics and building things, thanks in large part to a man named Larry Lang.

Larry Lang was an engineer at Hewlett-Packard, a ham radio operator, and really into electronics. Here is how Steve describes Larry's unusual introduction to the kids in the hood:

What he did to get to know the kids in the block was rather a strange thing. He put out a carbon microphone and a battery and a speaker on his driveway where you could talk into the microphone and your voice would be amplified by the speaker.

That introduction worked. One man, sharing something he was interested in with the kids in his community, as they say, launched a thousand ships . . . or in Steve's case, lots of iThings. As a result of that initial encounter, Larry and Steve struck up a friendship and this led to Steve being introduced to Heathkits. Steve said, "These Heathkits would come with these detailed manuals about how to put this thing together and all the parts would be laid out in a certain way and color coded. You'd actually build this thing yourself."

Steve's confidence grew as the Heathkit catalog became familiar territory. Out of the time spent building things with Larry, Steve said he learned, ". . . what was inside a finished product and how it worked because it would include a theory of operation." And maybe most importantly Steve got, ". . . a tremendous level of self-confidence, that through exploration and learning one could understand seemingly very complex things in one's environment."

If you ever wanted evidence of the power of a good man to have a positive influence in the life of a boy, and even the world, Steve Jobs' story about Larry Lang is a solid example. Please do realize that you, being just the man you are today, without any special training, could be the Larry in some boy's life. If, like Larry, you find the courage to share yourself and your interests with the boys in your world, who knows the difference you will make.

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"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma -- which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

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Why Men Don't Show Up For Boys

In the research for the Man-Making book, just one of the many reasons men offered as a barrier to involvement with young males was, "people will talk." There was a deep and, in today's world, common fear that if they showed any interest in young guys, they would instantly be labeled a predator. I can't imagine a more tragic situation where there are literally millions of boys who benefit by being part of a male tribe and being connected to good men, and yet those very men are staying away because of, "What people will say."

In the January 13th, 2011 Wall Street Journal, Lenore Skenazy wrote an article titled, Eek! A Male!. The article describes how deep the fear of men goes regarding their presence around children. The author says, ". . . these days, almost any man who has anything to do with a child can find himself suspected of being a creep. I call it "Worst-First" thinking: Gripped by pedophile panic, we jump to the very worst, even least likely, conclusion first. Then we congratulate ourselves for being so vigilant."

As I write this I am living in Tucson, AZ for the winter. As everyone knows, the Tucson community has just experienced a horrific tragedy perpetrated by yet another very lost and disoriented young male shooter. It was horribly irrational, raw, and in so many ways, unforgivable. I think of it as another "World Trade Center" kind of wake up call that shattered more of our innocence and left us, as a country, feeling wounded and vulnerable. While the story about this young male is still being revealed, from where I sit I can't help but wonder what his life and world view might have been like if a good man had taken him under a protective and caring wing. What if good and caring men had stepped up when this shooter was giving off the early signals of being lost and alone? It's too late now for this young man, but there will be more.

I recommend this WSJ article to you. I invite you to consider the degree to which you carry these judgments and fears about men being involved with boys. If you're a man, look in to your heart to see if the fear of being judged negatively by others is alive in you and keeping you from making a difference in a young man's life. Maybe THE difference. Maybe a life-saving, life-giving difference. If you have been touched by what happened in Tucson, perhaps can stepping up for a boy in your community can be a part of your/our healing process?

What do you think? Use the comment section of this blog post or use this contact form to share your truth.

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Circumcision and Manhood

Thanks to Don Skelton for directing my attention to an article in the Dispatch-Online, the blog of The Daily Dispatch paper out of East London, South Africa. I tells the story of the First white ‘initiate’ to become a Xhosa man. In the article, Mark Poulton, describes how he had always felt a powerful connection to the Xhosa people. He said that "I was detached from white people and I couldn’t relate to them. My friends were all Xhosas and, as I grew up, I started dating their women."

After years of being taunted for being an inkwenkwe – a Xhosa term for an uncircumcised boy – at the age of 30, Mark went through the Xhosa rite of circumcision. In the photo, a group of men are taking Mark, covered in a blanket, to the traditional surgeon (ingcibi) for the circumcision. The article reports, "A group of men watched with interest, awaiting the cry "ndiyindoda!" (I am a man) – marking the start of his journey to manhood."

In so many cultures, men are missing a clear line in the sand marking their successful transition from boyhood to manhood. One of my favorite questions to men from my research is, "What was THE moment in your life when you knew, for sure, you had become a "man?" So many men responded with confusion and ambiguity: I still don't know today if I'm a man; I'm not sure I am; and, No one ever said I was a man. For that reason, I can understand Mark Poulton's hunger for a community blessing honoring him as a "man."

I am not pretending to know anything more about the Xhosa people or their customs than I've read in this article. I also know that circumcision, as part of the rites marking a boy's crossing to manhood, are widely practiced in many cultures. While I'm not taking up the topic of painful rite of passage practices here, we all know it takes more than a grueling physical ordeal to become a man. That is why there is some serious concern in South Africa, and elsewhere, about how the practice of circumcision is currently being performed by non-trained practitioners.

In an article from the South African Medical Journal in August 2003, it was stated, "In fact, the barbarism perpetrated on today’s hapless youth has little in common with what the ancient rite was all about. The ritual was about preparing youngsters for the challenges of manhood in the rural and pastoral world in which they lived. Furthermore, it was performed by experienced operators and overseen by traditional sages who served as teachers and sources of wisdom to the youths. The traditional practice was much like modern military training: hard, but intended to nurture. Importantly, the community, through its traditional leaders and healers – not individual entrepreneurs – set up and supervised the circumcision schools." The article goes on to say, ". . . of late, the practice has degenerated into a money-making operation," and ". . . many of the so-called “circumcision schools” of today are fake, and deadly. They have very little to do with the traditional ethos and practice of this ancient ritual, and something must be done to stop the carnage."

It is a sad tale, too often reported, how boys or men, hungry to step into a full expression of manhood, are taking damage because they are without solid and community-based resources to help them transition into manhood in a positive and affirming way. For that reason, today I want to honor those men who are stepping up as man-makers, both as individuals and in man-making organizations around the planet. I have profiled many of them in this blog and they are deserving of recognition and praise. Those men using indigenous experience and history as a guide, and those groups of men who are developing their own locally relevant practices for safely moving boys through this important crossing, thank you for your courage, caring and action. We just need a lot more of you.

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The New Macho

Last September Newsweek joined the print media rush with their series of articles on the recently popular general theme, What's the Matter with Men? Their approach is, Why it’s time to reimagine masculinity at work and at home. You can read their response to that statement on their blog, I'm not taking up the topic here.

Rather, I'll own up to having been on a personal quest for years to determine what, for me, constitutes an authentic and personally relevant sense of manhood. I think a lot of men and way too many boys are on that same journey. It's in part why I do this blog, and maybe, why you read it.

So I found it interesting when Boysen Hodgson, a friend of mine, took it on himself to begin to describe for himself what he calls The New Macho paradigm. Boysen is a member of the ManKind Project and you can see his article in context and other related articles on the MKP website. With his permission, his description is reproduced below for your consideration. He says he is well aware that it is a work in progress . . . perhaps like men and the definition of manhood today!

I like it! What do you think?

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The New Macho

He cleans up after himself.

He cleans up the planet.

He is a role model for young men.

He is rigorously honest and fiercely optimistic.

He holds himself accountable.

He knows what he feels.

He knows how to cry and he lets it go.

He knows how to rage without hurting others.

He knows how to fear and how to keep moving.

He seeks self-mastery.

He's let go of childish shame.

He feels guilty when he's done something wrong.

He is kind to men, kind to women, kind to children.

He teaches others how to be kind.

He says he's sorry.

He stopped blaming women or his parents or men for his pain years ago.

He stopped letting his defenses ruin his relationships.

He stopped letting his penis run his life.

He has enough self respect to tell the truth.

He creates intimacy and trust with his actions.

He has men that he trusts and that he turns to for support.

He knows how to roll with it.

He knows how to make it happen.

He is disciplined when he needs to be.

He is flexible when he needs to be.

He knows how to listen from the core of his being.

He's not afraid to get dirty.

He's ready to confront his own limitations.

He has high expectations for himself and for those he connects with.

He looks for ways to serve others.

He knows he is an individual.

He knows that we are all one.

He knows he is an animal and a part of nature.

He knows his spirit and his connection to something greater.

He knows that the future generations are watching his actions.

He builds communities where people are respected and valued.

He takes responsibility for himself and is also willing to be his brother's keeper.

He knows his higher purpose.

He loves with fierceness.

He laughs with abandon, because he gets the joke.

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