MAN-MAKING BLOG: group mentoring; intimacy

Showing posts with label group mentoring; intimacy. Show all posts

October 20, 2021

A Young Man's Rite of Passage in the Bush

Locking away his cell phone in a wooden box was the first challenge 17-year-old PJ had to face on his 5-day Rites of Passage (ROP) experience. He and his father got to the wilderness camp after a 10-hour drive from Canberra, the capital city of Australia. Like so many of these encounters, the wild and remote bush setting added to the power and gravity of the passage event.

From my experience, once a Rites of Passage event is launched, all the males present, but especially the young guys, naturally drop into the seriousness of the occasion. Everyone gets that something important is happening and they soon find their right place in the ancient drama. It was no different for the thirty other fathers and sons (or male mentors - uncles, stepdads, or family friends of a young man), who attended the camp with PJ and Peter. The group was made up of guys who came from across Australia to be present to honor a group of young males transitioning into manhood.

Clearly you can’t make men out of boys in five days.

Clearly you can’t make men out of boys in five days. What you can do is:

Let them know that you see and welcome their emerging manhood.
You can encourage the young men to take the changes going on in them seriously and invite them to consider some of the responsibilities waiting for them.
You can challenge the young guys with activities which contain "think about it" lessons about becoming a man.
You and the other men can share stories about your adolescent years, and what you've learned along the way.
Finally, you and the other men can witness and honor the gifts and talents you see in the young males.

For young men, being witnessed in those ways, by thirty or so adult men, is a compelling and transformational experience. It is also powerful and transformational for the adult men witnessing the young males.

You can read more about PJ and Peter's Rites of Passage camp experience in a recent Canberra City News article. The article discusses some of the camp activities, the kinds of topics covered in conversations, and the role of rituals in the process. If you want to learn more about Peter's experience you can email him at peter.lennon@mhf.org.au You can also visit the Reconxted Facebook page to learn more about this group's approach to Rites of Passage.

On the Man-Making Blog you can read more about various kinds of Rites of Passage experiences diverse groups have taken to support their adolescent boys during this important transition time. Note: These examples are taken from twenty years of posts and not all links and videos are still available.

If you're inspired to do something similar, even if it's on a much smaller scale, feel free to contact me.

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September 27, 2016

Helping Boys Cope with Grief

Robert Lucas lost his dad. His father had a long illness before he died, but that only made a wrenching loss a little easier to take. Losing your father is always a big marker in a guy's life, but it can be especially difficult for an angry eighteen-year old young man.

We all know loss and grief are a common and normal part of everyone's life. But for a young male, with limited emotional vocabulary and just as limited cultural permission to show up sad and vulnerable, the big losses can create a pressure cooker of big and complicated feelings. A big loss like Robert's can easily send a kid over the edge into some form of darkness.

Robert was lucky. He had spent three years with the Boys to Men Mentoring Network of Virginia (BTMVA). That's three years to learn all his feelings were welcome in their circles. With time, he was able to unpack and unpack his considerable anger. He learned he was not alone with the hard parts of his life, that he was accepted no matter what, and that he had other young guys and a tribe of good men around him for support. All that came in handy when his dad died.

Here is a collage of photos from various BTMVA events that include Robert and some of the men and boys from the group. The joy of connection and belonging is obvious.

Robert wrote a rap song/poem to his father to offer as his eulogy at his dad's funeral. When he stood to speak at the funeral, he asked ten of the BTMVA men to stand behind him to literally have his back in the most difficult of moments. If you read the lyrics closely, you can hear a brave young man trying to cope with the complex collection of thoughts and feelings that came with facing the death of his father. Here, in his own words, is what Robert said:

It been a long time coming!

Pop as I write this letter to you Understand tears was shed Hearing those four words your father is dead Gone off this earth It's crazy thinkin you gone yeah it hurts But honestly I can't be selfish Looking in your eyes pops you was lifeless Couldn't stand up and barely walking Couldn't speak you were barely talking 5 long years seeing you suffer

Witnessing it made me strong it made me tougher So many memories you share with me I still remember long summer you me and the PS3 Face bright joyful heart Our bond can never be torn apart

Dad it's still very hard to comprehend Your gone and I'm the sky you ascend No stress no more worries nor no pain

Imma be alright and gonna maintain Still thankful you seen my graduate I had to finish couldn't hesitate Thanks for giving me all that knowledge Pops I promise you one thing I'm heading back to college I'm ready to carry on the lucas legacy

I still remember those things you said to me "Jr watch your friend they you closes enemy's" this worlds crazy so be prepare mentally Some people real those relationships meant to be Some wait till you turn your back stab you and say that Dude dead to me Tell People what he did and straight fled the scene He said jr let me break it down let me explain

I said yea pops I'm listening heart filled with pain He said I been alive a while Seeing walk across that stage made me proud you should have seen my smile If only you wore my shoes probably couldn't last mile He said times is getting rougher Situations tougher All this fighting I'm doing doc said I prob won't recover So you the man that means take care of your mother

After the funeral service, BTMVA hosted a meal at a local restaurant attended by Robert's family and many of the BTMVA boys and men. His community gathered around him in support. It was as beautiful as these difficult moments can be. But for so many other boys like Robert, who are angry, pressurized, and alone, it often turns out quite different.

Robert is a success story!

The good news is Robert is a success story! He has graduated high school and will soon be moving to Pennsylvania to live with his Mom. He intends to honor his promise to his dad to attend college. He has found his heart and voice, and instead of stuffing big feelings behind a mask of teen bravado, he shared his story with the world. He asked for support, and leaned on his friends in dealing with this huge challenge. These are important life lessons he's learned at a young age.

Stories like Robert's are not uncommon in the Boys to Men network, or in the many other places where men are showing up for our boys. Here's another story from a past blog post about a boy who had to put his horse to death, and how a circle of men and young guys helped him cope.

. . . I know the Roberts of the world are waiting.

In writing this now, I'm feeling the sadness of the losses in my life as a teen that I had to face alone. I always wonder who I'd be today if I had found the support and caring for the hard parts of my life that Robert was lucky enough to find. But then, that's why I'm involved and maybe why you're reading this! Give me a shout if you're interested in joining other men in this good work. I know you won't regret it, and I know the Roberts of the world are waiting.

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)

CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

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November 23, 2015

Men, Boys, and Masculine Emotional Intelligence

A while back I put up a Man-Making Blog post titled, “Teaching Boys to Have Feelings? ” The question mark at the end of the title was there because I don’t believe we have to teach boys to have feelings. So many of our young men are already emotionally pressurized and what the world mostly sees is anger. What we do need to do is help our young men to develop a broad emotional vocabulary, the language of feelings, to help them get access to and understand their complex and rich emotional life.

I don’t believe we have to teach boys to have feelings . . .

In response to that post, I heard from Owen Marcus, the author of, Grow Up: A Man’s Guide to Masculine Emotional Intelligence. The current model of a man’s emotional life is called “Masculine Emotional Intelligence” or MEI. Owen feels MEI is not really masculine at all, but a feminine concept. Here’s how he explained it:

Two hundred years ago, when the men left the farm for the factory, the mothers were left to raise the kids. Women did what they had to do: they stepped up to fill the gap of not having men around. In doing so they modeled and taught both the girls and boys how to be emotional.

Without balanced masculine and feminine role models, young men took on what they were taught. That meant for a few hundred years, the definition of masculine emotional intelligence slowly moved towards the feminine. It wasn’t a conspiracy; it was simply women doing what they had to do. Today, men and women assume that the key to a man’s emotional success, and relationship bliss, comes from men mastering a feminized emotional framework.

In my twenty years of leading men’s groups, I learned the best, and possibly only way out of this, is through men teaching men about feelings. You may ask, how can men teach men about feelings when they weren’t given guidance themselves? Good question. But the truth is men do have their own brand of emotionality, and know it instinctually. When you put men in a group with other men, over time, they naturally begin teaching each other about feelings through their personal expressions and interactions. What eventually emerges is a true and decidedly more male style of emotional expression.

I believe all feelings are gender neutral. That said, when, how, what, and how intensely feelings are expressed has indeed been shaped differently by culture for men and women. Of course this is not a male/female, either/or discussion, and there is a range of emotional capacity spread across all genders/people. But in my experience of being in men’s groups and working with young guys, I do agree that with time spent together in safe venues, males do indeed cross-train each other in how to express a wider range of emotional expression than is seen in the public sphere. I’ve witnessed how, over time in group, the depth, range, spontaneity, and acceptance of feelings and intimate expressions do ramp up.

. . . as a man you are the book on manhood
for the young men around you . . .

There is one really important point to hold on to in this discussion. As our boys and young men are building their vision of the good man they want to become, they need to see emotionally literate and vulnerable adult men as role models. I believe the most powerful gift a man can give himself, his loved ones, and the young men in his world, is to develop his own brand of masculine emotional intelligence. Whether you know or even care, as a man you are the book on manhood for the young men around you. You can be sure they are watching and learning from you!

If you’re interested in learning more about Owen’s work on MEI, his company, Free to Win, offers men training in MEI and in how to start their own free men’s group. Owen is also looking for men interested in participating in an online pilot course with the theme of developing your own MEI. If you’re interested, you can contact him directly.

Follow @earlh

September 28, 2015

Boys, Boobs, and Saying "Yes!"

NOTE: I'll be traveling in Spain for the month of September. Here is a popular (and timely) post from the archive.

I still remember my first touch of a naked female breast. It was in the back row of a dark movie theatre when I was maybe twelve. I was on an early adolescent date of sorts and I didn't really have a clue about what I was doing. I remember it took all the courage I had to make my way through a long run up of incremental steps to get to the object of my desire . . . that breast. I was with a girl just a little older than me who somehow managed to pretend none of it was happening, didn't say "no," and seemed to like the attention.

The breast, . . . was indeed
wonderful and otherworldly for me . . .

The breast, while it was indeed wonderful and otherworldly for me, was really just another player in the drama. I was already being propelled by my young male biology and in the grip of an ancient gender dance. Up to that moment in my life, I had NO actual experience with breasts or any other element of female anatomy. I also had no real understanding of what was going on in my body. In short, I didn’t know what I was doing or even why I was so magnetized by those breasts. I was simply operating on pure male instinct and loving it.

In my young male world at that time, there were early rumblings about girls' body parts, "scoring," and things vaguely sexual. Those ideas were mostly joked about in my young boy pack. The fact the guys a little older than us were very focused on girls wasn't lost on us, but no one in our age group really had a clue why. We knew something was going on but it was all a vague and exciting mystery.

The internet has changed everything. Today, kids with even a little sexual curiosity can go online and find all the information on the topic they can handle. An unsupervised adolescent male today can easily find enough information to become an amateur gynecologist. The good and the very bad information is all easily available. Because of how much questionable and blatantly bad information about sexuality is out there, adult guidance is even more important now than ever.

Sadly, too many parents are not having "the talk" with their kids . . . in time. A recent survey of parents and their 13 to 17 year-old kids published in the Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics (as reported in U.S. News and World Report), speaks directly to the need for an ongoing conversation about sexuality with kids. In the Talking Parent, Healthy Teens survey, just some of what they discovered included:

Almost half of teens had intercourse before their parents got around to talking with them about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control.
More than half of the teenagers had engaged in genital touching before discussing birth control effectiveness, resisting pressure for sex, and the importance of condom use with their parents.
Girls were more likely than boys to have had talks with parents about sex.

We all know someone has to talk with our young guys about these issues. Mark Schuster is one of the authors of the Talking Parents, Healthy Teens survey and is a co-author of a helpful book titled, Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (but Were Afraid They'd Ask). It's perfect for parents trying to gear up for having "the talk" with their kids. If you're a parent of a young male, read a book, if necessary, and start the conversation with your young man. There is just too much at risk to pretend our young guys aren't going to be sexual.

When considering these conversations with young males, the questions of how to talk about sex, when to bring up the topic, who should be having the conversations, and what the content about sexuality should include, combine to create an extremity complicated matter. These questions are beyond the scope of this post, but I do feel those of us working with young males should be talking among ourselves and with the parents of young guys about how to raise the topic.

That all said, there may be a conversation parents and those of us working with the young dudes can have right now.

The California legislature has passed a bill that clarifies what it means to have consensual sexual activity. “Activity" means not just the act of intercourse, but all the steps that lead up to two people getting it on. Here is a lot of information on that legal initiative.

This legislation begins to move the discussion out of the realm of someone having to say “no” and instead now requires both parties to say "yes," and keep saying yes as things progress! That means, "continuous, affirmative, conscious, and voluntary agreement by each party to engage in sexual activity.” Now that kind of agreement would have made my approach of a long run of incremental steps to get to the object of my desire, unacceptable. I’m thinking that would also be true of a lot of the strategies used by young guys these days.

. . . our young guys will need to know
how to have a
sexually intimate and very personal conversation.

Adolescent male sex impulses can be a lot like a snowball rolling downhill, gaining mass and momentum along the way. Given that fact, it’s going to take considerable guidance to make sure our young guys and women are safe in this new day of positive consent. In addition to managing powerful personal biological drives, our young guys will need to know how to have a sexually intimate and very personal conversation. We can and do need to teach them how to do that.

In our school-based and other circles with young men, personal truths are often spoken. When trust has been formed, there is a level of personal honesty, emotion, and real vulnerability that is often shared. The challenge will be to get young guys to bring this form of intimate exchange into their relationships with women . . . and to do so in the heat of a sexual moment.

There is plenty of grey area remaining between the California law’s legal consent requirements and the reality of human sexuality. But requiring a series of yes's along the way is a good start. Laws regarding consent won't stop someone intent on dominance, manipulating a partner, or committing sexual assault. Just having this issue in the public view can be a good reason to bring up the topic with our young men.

If all the barriers to having these intimate conversations can be overcome, discussions about having a healthy, mutually respectful, and positive relationship with a sexual (or any) partner can be launched with our young men. I say "Yes" to that!

Follow @earlh

June 21, 2015

The Truth about Our Teen Boys

With the current news full of the story of yet another young man gone tragically wrong, it’s the perfect time for me to bring you a story about some really great young men. The guys that star in Me and Earl and the Dying Girl are good examples of what I've found to be true and deeply good about the teenage guys I've met, and I've met a lot of them. I think it's time we all hear more about what's right about our young men and less about the few lost and angry guys who get so much media attention.

At the start of the movie, we meet Greg (played by Thomas Mann), a high school senior, shy, and full of the pretty standard young male insecurities. He manages to stay socially hidden in background at high school as a way of coping with the complicated worlds of relationships. He subtly moves between all the cliques, like the jocks, stoners, goths, and theatre geeks, being a dabbler but not a member of any. Mostly, he remains a loner. Mostly.

Greg does have one main dude in his life named Earl (R.J. Cyler) who he’s known since childhood. Earl is from the (stereotypical) other side of town and is really Greg’s only true friend. Sadly, Greg is so afraid of what it means to have a real friend, he refers to Earl as his “co-worker.” In addition to their history, the two pals share a common interest in odd European art films. They work together making terrible but really funny amateur movies.

Friendships are a complicated business for young guys Greg and Earl's age. Sitting with teen males in groups, I’ve heard many of them talk about having what’s up friends. Those are the guys they hang out with between classes, at lunch, and sometimes after school. However, few of them say they have any got-your-back-no-matter-what, real friends.

. . . few of them say they have any
got-your-back-no-matter-what, real friends.

The movie really gets started when Greg’s mom (Connie Britton) insists that he check in on Rachel (Olivia Cooke), a distant acquaintance from school who has been diagnosed with leukemia. As his relationship with Rachel develops, a true friendship is born, and Greg begins to truly, but cautiously, care for her. You'll be able to pinpoint the moment in the film when Greg’s heart cracks open and he’s overwhelmed with the flood of feelings he has for Rachel he's been holding back.

As I've witnessed many times, when the I'm Okay Mask comes off, so many young men have amazing capacity to face the very hard parts of their lives, speak deep truths, and express big feelings. You’ll see a lot of that in this film. I’m here to tell you it’s not Hollywood, but a really honest depiction of what's alive behind teen male bravado.

There are tons of great laughs and sub-characters. Greg’s strange, sociology professor father (Nick Offerman), is a riot in weird clothing, odd behavior, and a love for exotic foods. In a non-funny way, it speaks to how so many young guys feel they come from embarrassing or sometimes shameful family situations.

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl won the Grand Jury Prize and the Audience Award at the 2015 Sundance Film Festival, so it has great credentials. But for me, so much of what I saw was just flat out true about my own adolescence, and true about the good young men who sit across from me in school circles.

This film is both very funny and sad at the same time, but the laughs outweigh the tears. The film is worth seeing if you want to touch the angst of your own teen history, increase your young male-literacy, and have your heart lightly squeezed.

Here’s a little taste:

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

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December 2, 2014

How Circles and Rites of Passage Weekends Transform Young Men

Two Thoughts on Transformation:

1. The Power of a Circle: A recent article in the Minneapolis StarTribune describes an interesting use of group circles in schools. We all know about the existence and dangers of cliques in high school. In some communities, for young guys, they are called gangs. In this case, there were serious tensions, sometimes leading to fights, between African-American students and the Karen community of recently arrived refugee students from Myanmar. There are about 8,000 Karen refugees who have settled in Minnesota over the past decade and most of them are in the east metro of Minneapolis.

Multicultural Leaders group at Roseville High School - (Photo David Joles)

The StarTribune article describes how a high school junior named Soe from the Karen community approached his teacher with a proposal. Rather than continue to feel the discrimination and get in fights, he wanted to talk. It wasn't long before a circle of "Multicultural Leaders" was convened and a conversation between the young men of the two cultures got started. That initiative has blossomed and now includes additional schools, and other minorities in the dialogue. Sitting across the room and listening to each other has reduced racial tensions, led to cross-cultural friendships, stopped fights, and maybe it will even keep teen gangs from being formed in the community.

. . . maybe it will even keep teen gangs
from being formed in the community.

In my experience, when young men, or any group, come together and have an honest and open dialogue, they always learn this one valuable lesson. Soe said during the conversations, he realized everyone liked similar sports and music. He said, “We found out we are not different that much. We’re almost the same, except for the color of our skin.” That is real transformation.

2. The Power of a Rites of Passage Weekend: If you take what happens in a young guy's circle, add about 20 -30 good men, run it for a weekend, conduct a continuous series of challenging physical and emotional experiences, add in some ritual, toss in some fun, teen food, and fires, the impact on the young men (and the old guys) is also powerful.

The video clip below is from Boys to Men Arizona. It will give you a brief sense of what happens on a passage weekend and the impact on both the men and the young guys. Some of the activities may look strange to the outsider, but the events and processes are all designed to speak directly to the young male reality. As one man says, "We use the fun part to get to deeper stuff that's inside these young men."

Listen closely to what the young guys say about their experience. A well run rites of passage experience, like the impact of an on-going support group circle, can have a life-changing effect on a young male.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

A great scenario for sustaining a young man's growth would be for him to come out of an ongoing school (or church, or community) support circle, experience a weekend passage event, and then return to the circle of support to build on his self-discovery and commitments. Or like the Arizona men, meet with the guys a couple times a month to hang out, have an adventure, eat some food and check in about what's going on in your life. Time with men willing to have fun AND be real is part of what creates the transformational juice.

. . . it wasn't just crap,
it was real!

If you hear the call to be part these kinds of experiences, give me an e-shout, or check out the website of Boys to Men Arizona. I can guarantee you the men showing up for this work with young guys are gloriously imperfect men just like you and me. Your masculine hardwiring and willingness to take the risk are the only credentials you need. There may be a group like Boys to Men Arizona or something similar near you now. It just also might be possible for you and a couple men you know to get something started that will serve the young males in your part of the world. It really could be that simple!

What I can say for sure is the young guys are waiting!

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and NOT in email post delivery, sorry.)

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September 23, 2014

Boys, Boobs, and Saying "Yes!"

The breast, . . . was indeed
wonderful and otherworldly for me . . .

Almost half of teens had intercourse before their parents got around to talking with them about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control.
More than half of the teenagers had engaged in genital touching before discussing birth control effectiveness, resisting pressure for sex, and the importance of condom use with their parents.
Girls were more likely than boys to have had talks with parents about sex.

We all know someone has to talk with our young guys about these issues. Mark Schuster is one of the authors of the Talking Parents, Healthy Teens survey and is a co-author of a helpful book titled, Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (but Were Afraid They'd Ask). It's perfect for parents trying to gear up for having "the talk" with their kids. If you're a parent of a young male, read a book, if necessary, and start the conversation with your young man. There is just too much at risk to pretend our young guys aren't going to be sexual.

When considering these conversations with young males, the questions of how to talk about sex, when to bring up the topic, who should be having the conversations, and what the content about sexuality should include, combine to create an extremity complicated matter. These questions are beyond the scope of this post, but I do feel those of us working with young males should be talking among ourselves and with the parents of young guys about how to raise the topic.

That all said, there may be a conversation parents and those of us working with the young dudes can have right now.

The California legislature has just passed a bill that clarifies what it means to have consensual sexual activity. “Activity" means not just the act of intercourse, but all the steps that lead up to two people getting it on. Here is a lot of information on that legal initiative.

. . . our young guys will need to know
how to have a
sexually intimate personal conversation.

Adolescent male sex impulses can be a lot like a snowball rolling downhill, gaining mass and momentum along the way. Given that fact, it’s going to take considerable guidance to make sure our young guys and women are safe in this new day of positive consent. In addition to managing powerful personal biological drives, our young guys will need to know how to have a sexually intimate personal conversation. We can and do need to teach them how to do that.

In our school-based and other circles with young men, personal truths are often spoken. When trust has been formed, there is a level of personal honesty, emotion, and real vulnerability that is often shared. The challenge will be to get young guys to bring this form of intimate exchange into their relationships with women . . . and to do so in the heat of a sexual moment.

There is plenty of grey area remaining between the California law’s legal consent requirements and the reality of human sexuality. But requiring a series of yes's along the way is a good start. Laws regarding consent won't stop someone intent on dominance, manipulating a partner, or committing sexual assault. Just having this issue in the public view can be a good reason to bring up the topic with our young men.

If all the barriers to having these intimate conversations can be overcome, discussions about having a healthy, mutually respectful, and positive relationship with a sexual (or any) partner can be launched with our young men. I say "Yes" to that!

CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

TWEET: Send this post along to your friends or follow me on Twitter!

Follow @earlh