MAN-MAKING BLOG

December 27, 2015

Year-End Man-Making Blog Survey

So now it's your turn to give back. Once a year I ask for a little guidance, feedback, input, or observations from you. So the annual Man-Making Blog survey is at the end of this post, just below. Mostly, I want to know how to make it better. I want to learn how I can do a better job of getting men like you interested in the important work of being a man-maker.

The survey is only FIVE easy questions
and will take less than five minutes.

Anything you're willing to offer by way of comments or suggestions will be very much appreciated.

IDEA SHARING: I feel the challenge of getting good men to show up for young males is too big and too important for me to be the only voice being heard. There are over a thousand of you out there who have subscribed to the blog, and lots of other viewers. I know from your emails there is a mountain of passion and lots of experience in the ranks of my readers. We really do need to be sharing ideas. On the survey you can let me know if you're interested in idea sharing and which topics would get your attention.

THANKS: Thanks so much for your support and thank you in advance for your feedback. But mostly, thanks for your interest in Man-Making and in supporting young males on their journey toward a positive and successful manhood.

HERE'S THE SURVEY.
You can enter your responses by clicking in the area just under each question.

DON'T FORGET TO HIT THE "SUBMIT" BUTTON AT THE END!

NOTE: If you’re an email subscriber, the survey may not show up in the message below. If this is the case, simply use this link to go directly to the online survey form.

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)

CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

TWEET: Send this post along to your friends or follow me on Twitter!

Follow @earlh

December 16, 2015

Gifts for Men in Working with Boys

This is the time of year when the idea of gifts, in my opinion, gets overly commercialized and a little out of control. That said, there are lots of different kinds of gifts. I'm partial to the experiential gifts, the ones that engage you and maybe even change you in some way. Those are the kinds of gifts men get when they get connected to young guys.

The subtitle of my Man-Making book reads, "Men Helping Boys on Their Journey to Manhood." The initial, and obvious assumption, is always that it's men helping BOYS on their journey to manhood. That is true, and it's what the book is largely about. However, the subtitle could also read, "Men Helping Boys on THE MEN'S Journey to Manhood." The secret of the Man-Making book, and in man making work, is men who show up for young guys are always made much better men in the process. Now that's quite a gift.

. . . men who show up for young guys are always
made much better men in the process.

In the trainings we do to prepare men for working with young guys, one of many things we do is to create a safe place where they can go back into their history to remember some of the joys, confusion, and the pain of their adolescence. Some of what's shared is really fun. In addition, there are usually some difficult memories from that time in their lives. The gifts for men in this training are having the time, safety, support, and the intimacy with other men to talk about it all. Revisiting the old feelings, challenges, and the bruises one took as a teen is healing for the male soul. It's also the perfect preparation for sitting across a room or circle from a hurting young guy.

Then there's the reality of sitting in weekly groups with boys and young men. Once the young guys really trust you, the masks of teen male bravado slowly come off and real truth is spoken. Regularly witnessing young boy vulnerability, pain, courage, laughter, confusion, foolishness, naiveté, and raw truth, is a force that works on all the males in the circle. It bonds them together on the quest to be better than they were. This is true for all the males in the circle regardless of age. It's this water-on-stone, regular application of boy truth that softens a man's heart and give him the gifts of increased vulnerability, compassion, and caring.

It's this water-on-stone,
regular application of boy truth
that softens a man's heart. . .

In addition to all the gifts described above, in the Man-Making book there is a short list of other gifts for men in this work. They come in two varieties. First, there are the gifts of letting go of what's working against you being the best man you can be. Then there are all the gifts that naturally come from ongoing involvement with boys. Here is a short list of both:

The first set of gifts might be described as what men are relieved from experiencing. Men who work with young men typically feel less:

shame of ignored responsibility.
isolation across the generations.
confusion about the job description for being a "man."
detachment from the life of his community.
lost on his journey to manhood.

The second set of gifts is about what men get. Men get:

to see boys grow and become better young men.
reconnect with youthful (teen) energy and spirit.
to fill in some of their own boyhood “blanks” by supporting boys.
to develop an increased trust in “masculinity” and other men.
a connection to a positive male tribe.
the satisfactions of directly giving back to their community.

All these gifts are just the beginning, there's many more. Sadly, this is just a two-dimensional description of experiential gifts that are much bigger, deeper, and wonderful. There is just no substitute for the real thing.

My wish for you is that you come get the gifts in man-making that are waiting for you. If you're at all interested, send me a message and let's talk about what might be possible. I can promise you it won't be hard, you ARE the man for this work, and the young men are waiting for you to show up.

Also, I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization. If you'd like to start a Man-Making initiative, large or small, I'd be happy to help.

CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

TWEET: Send this post along to your friends or follow me on Twitter!

Follow @earlh

November 23, 2015

Men, Boys, and Masculine Emotional Intelligence

A while back I put up a Man-Making Blog post titled, “Teaching Boys to Have Feelings? ” The question mark at the end of the title was there because I don’t believe we have to teach boys to have feelings. So many of our young men are already emotionally pressurized and what the world mostly sees is anger. What we do need to do is help our young men to develop a broad emotional vocabulary, the language of feelings, to help them get access to and understand their complex and rich emotional life.

I don’t believe we have to teach boys to have feelings . . .

In response to that post, I heard from Owen Marcus, the author of, Grow Up: A Man’s Guide to Masculine Emotional Intelligence. The current model of a man’s emotional life is called “Masculine Emotional Intelligence” or MEI. Owen feels MEI is not really masculine at all, but a feminine concept. Here’s how he explained it:

Two hundred years ago, when the men left the farm for the factory, the mothers were left to raise the kids. Women did what they had to do: they stepped up to fill the gap of not having men around. In doing so they modeled and taught both the girls and boys how to be emotional.

Without balanced masculine and feminine role models, young men took on what they were taught. That meant for a few hundred years, the definition of masculine emotional intelligence slowly moved towards the feminine. It wasn’t a conspiracy; it was simply women doing what they had to do. Today, men and women assume that the key to a man’s emotional success, and relationship bliss, comes from men mastering a feminized emotional framework.

In my twenty years of leading men’s groups, I learned the best, and possibly only way out of this, is through men teaching men about feelings. You may ask, how can men teach men about feelings when they weren’t given guidance themselves? Good question. But the truth is men do have their own brand of emotionality, and know it instinctually. When you put men in a group with other men, over time, they naturally begin teaching each other about feelings through their personal expressions and interactions. What eventually emerges is a true and decidedly more male style of emotional expression.

I believe all feelings are gender neutral. That said, when, how, what, and how intensely feelings are expressed has indeed been shaped differently by culture for men and women. Of course this is not a male/female, either/or discussion, and there is a range of emotional capacity spread across all genders/people. But in my experience of being in men’s groups and working with young guys, I do agree that with time spent together in safe venues, males do indeed cross-train each other in how to express a wider range of emotional expression than is seen in the public sphere. I’ve witnessed how, over time in group, the depth, range, spontaneity, and acceptance of feelings and intimate expressions do ramp up.

. . . as a man you are the book on manhood
for the young men around you . . .

There is one really important point to hold on to in this discussion. As our boys and young men are building their vision of the good man they want to become, they need to see emotionally literate and vulnerable adult men as role models. I believe the most powerful gift a man can give himself, his loved ones, and the young men in his world, is to develop his own brand of masculine emotional intelligence. Whether you know or even care, as a man you are the book on manhood for the young men around you. You can be sure they are watching and learning from you!

If you’re interested in learning more about Owen’s work on MEI, his company, Free to Win, offers men training in MEI and in how to start their own free men’s group. Owen is also looking for men interested in participating in an online pilot course with the theme of developing your own MEI. If you’re interested, you can contact him directly.

Follow @earlh

November 9, 2015

Mo-ing for Movember and Men's Health

The word Movember is a combination of Mustache + November. It's also the name of a global campaign to raise awareness and funds for men's health issues such as prostate and testicular cancer, men's mental health, and the deaths associated with physical inactivity. The idea is in November, men grow mustaches which become the "ribbon" men wear to show their support of the Movember goals. Men become walking, talking billboards about men's health for the 30 days of November. As they say, the idea is to grow, show, and connect with your fellow Mo's to spread the word about men's health.

To support the Movember initiative, you can simply grow a "Mo." You can also go to the Movember website in your respective country and register. You can register as an individual and start collecting donations on your Mo Space, or you can create a team of brothers from your workplace, neighborhood, or campus and fund-raise together. Here is the link to the U.S. Movember website where you can learn more about getting started.

Not only do I really like the idea of men taking a highly visible stand for male health issues, but it's great role modeling for young men. It's good for our young guys to witness adult men in active service to an important cause.

Of course I support all those pink events. They are great examples of how to create awareness and raise much needed funds for women's health issues. That said, I do feel considerable masculine pride seeing my male friends and relatives growing Mo's. My hope is that men will really like the feeling of being united around an important and very masculine cause and being in service to their communities. My wish is the next cause that gets their attention will be doing something about the epidemic of under-male-nourished boys around the globe who desperately need men's support.

Just below is a fun video clip tracking the growth of the Movember movement from the start when 30 Mo Bros launched the initiative in Melbourne, Australia in 2003, to the 854,288 registered Mo's in 2011. On the U.S. Movember website you can continue to track the evolution of the movement through 2014. Today there are over 5 million Mo Bros and supportive Mo Sistas across the globe!

If the clip isn't visible use this link.

The initial Mo Bros didn't raise much more than awareness, but today the campaign they started changing the world. In addition to the enormous difference they continue to make in men's lives, they are yet another shining example of what a few good men, working together with intention, can create.

As they say, Movember is changing the face of men's health. It's never too late for you to get started. Even a shadow of a mustache in November makes you a visible advocate for men's health. Remember, in the challenge to raise awareness about men's health and well-being, every mustache makes a difference.

Follow @earlh

October 6, 2015

Father Hunger, Son Hunger, Two Songs, and the Father Wound

NOTE: I'm still recovering from traveling in Spain. So here is one more post from the archive.

I was in a men's circle last night. It was a meeting for men interested in working with young males. To help men get anchored in the teenage male experience, they were asked, "As a teen, who were the men who were, or were not, there to support you?" It was a rich conversation and, as is always the case, men learned that when we speak our "truth," when we are real with each other, we are all way more alike than different.

As a teen, who were the men
who were, or were not,
there to support you?

One of the common themes that showed up in the conversation was about the father who was physically present but emotionally distant: workaholic, alcoholic, womanizing, angry, sometimes abusive, and/or a man without any skills for intimate connection. One man labelled him a ghost father, visible, but was not really there. For some men, it felt more confusing, painful and damaging than having a father who just left, leaving a fatherless boy.

These men, sometimes teary, talked about the profound longing for time and connection with their dad, the most important male in a young man's life. They described how, without this man's guidance and direction, it was so easy for a life to take a wrong turn. Each man, in different ways, and for different reasons, spoke to deep father hunger that was never satisfied, and the wound they have carried into adulthood as a result.

Daddy, where are you?

The film clip below is titled Papaoutai and performed by a Belgian singer named Stromae. It was sent to me by a brother in mission, Andrew MacDonald, who lives near Ottawa, Canada. Loosely translated, Papaoutai means, Daddy, where are you? I don't speak the language of the song, but no matter, its message is painfully clear.

In countless young guy circles, I've heard "Daddy, where are you?" asked many times by so many young men . . . too many young men. It's at the literal heart of what I often call "the epidemic of under-male-nourished boys." Men and young men carrying this kind of father wound may find Papaoutai hard to watch, especially the ending.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

As almost a direct counterpoint to Papaoutai, I want to offer up another song. This one comes from the other direction, a song about a father hungry for time with his son. Mark Chandler, in his song Making A Man, is speaking out for so many good men cut off from their sons by life's circumstances. Mark is a military officer approaching retirement. It's been difficult to get time with his son because for three of the last eight years, Mark has been deployed. On top of that, he's been divorced for the last four years.

Mark feels the core message of the song is it takes a man to make a man, and it's what "poured out of him" when he was longing for time with his son. Again, for men and young men carrying a father wound, Mark's longing, love, and commitment, as expressed in this song, may dampen your eyes.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

To connect with Mark Chandler, visit his Facebook page.

These songs represent two very different and profoundly deep calls for connection between fathers and sons. When that bond is broken, everyone suffers. What's left for us to do is to support men and young men who've been damaged in that unique way. Today, in so many ways, we're paying the social costs of not offering that support. We can do better and we must.

Follow @earlh