MAN-MAKING BLOG: parents

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September 28, 2015

Boys, Boobs, and Saying "Yes!"

NOTE: I'll be traveling in Spain for the month of September. Here is a popular (and timely) post from the archive.

I still remember my first touch of a naked female breast. It was in the back row of a dark movie theatre when I was maybe twelve. I was on an early adolescent date of sorts and I didn't really have a clue about what I was doing. I remember it took all the courage I had to make my way through a long run up of incremental steps to get to the object of my desire . . . that breast. I was with a girl just a little older than me who somehow managed to pretend none of it was happening, didn't say "no," and seemed to like the attention.

The breast, . . . was indeed
wonderful and otherworldly for me . . .

The breast, while it was indeed wonderful and otherworldly for me, was really just another player in the drama. I was already being propelled by my young male biology and in the grip of an ancient gender dance. Up to that moment in my life, I had NO actual experience with breasts or any other element of female anatomy. I also had no real understanding of what was going on in my body. In short, I didn’t know what I was doing or even why I was so magnetized by those breasts. I was simply operating on pure male instinct and loving it.

In my young male world at that time, there were early rumblings about girls' body parts, "scoring," and things vaguely sexual. Those ideas were mostly joked about in my young boy pack. The fact the guys a little older than us were very focused on girls wasn't lost on us, but no one in our age group really had a clue why. We knew something was going on but it was all a vague and exciting mystery.

The internet has changed everything. Today, kids with even a little sexual curiosity can go online and find all the information on the topic they can handle. An unsupervised adolescent male today can easily find enough information to become an amateur gynecologist. The good and the very bad information is all easily available. Because of how much questionable and blatantly bad information about sexuality is out there, adult guidance is even more important now than ever.

Sadly, too many parents are not having "the talk" with their kids . . . in time. A recent survey of parents and their 13 to 17 year-old kids published in the Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics (as reported in U.S. News and World Report), speaks directly to the need for an ongoing conversation about sexuality with kids. In the Talking Parent, Healthy Teens survey, just some of what they discovered included:

Almost half of teens had intercourse before their parents got around to talking with them about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control.
More than half of the teenagers had engaged in genital touching before discussing birth control effectiveness, resisting pressure for sex, and the importance of condom use with their parents.
Girls were more likely than boys to have had talks with parents about sex.

We all know someone has to talk with our young guys about these issues. Mark Schuster is one of the authors of the Talking Parents, Healthy Teens survey and is a co-author of a helpful book titled, Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (but Were Afraid They'd Ask). It's perfect for parents trying to gear up for having "the talk" with their kids. If you're a parent of a young male, read a book, if necessary, and start the conversation with your young man. There is just too much at risk to pretend our young guys aren't going to be sexual.

When considering these conversations with young males, the questions of how to talk about sex, when to bring up the topic, who should be having the conversations, and what the content about sexuality should include, combine to create an extremity complicated matter. These questions are beyond the scope of this post, but I do feel those of us working with young males should be talking among ourselves and with the parents of young guys about how to raise the topic.

That all said, there may be a conversation parents and those of us working with the young dudes can have right now.

The California legislature has passed a bill that clarifies what it means to have consensual sexual activity. “Activity" means not just the act of intercourse, but all the steps that lead up to two people getting it on. Here is a lot of information on that legal initiative.

This legislation begins to move the discussion out of the realm of someone having to say “no” and instead now requires both parties to say "yes," and keep saying yes as things progress! That means, "continuous, affirmative, conscious, and voluntary agreement by each party to engage in sexual activity.” Now that kind of agreement would have made my approach of a long run of incremental steps to get to the object of my desire, unacceptable. I’m thinking that would also be true of a lot of the strategies used by young guys these days.

. . . our young guys will need to know
how to have a
sexually intimate and very personal conversation.

Adolescent male sex impulses can be a lot like a snowball rolling downhill, gaining mass and momentum along the way. Given that fact, it’s going to take considerable guidance to make sure our young guys and women are safe in this new day of positive consent. In addition to managing powerful personal biological drives, our young guys will need to know how to have a sexually intimate and very personal conversation. We can and do need to teach them how to do that.

In our school-based and other circles with young men, personal truths are often spoken. When trust has been formed, there is a level of personal honesty, emotion, and real vulnerability that is often shared. The challenge will be to get young guys to bring this form of intimate exchange into their relationships with women . . . and to do so in the heat of a sexual moment.

There is plenty of grey area remaining between the California law’s legal consent requirements and the reality of human sexuality. But requiring a series of yes's along the way is a good start. Laws regarding consent won't stop someone intent on dominance, manipulating a partner, or committing sexual assault. Just having this issue in the public view can be a good reason to bring up the topic with our young men.

If all the barriers to having these intimate conversations can be overcome, discussions about having a healthy, mutually respectful, and positive relationship with a sexual (or any) partner can be launched with our young men. I say "Yes" to that!

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June 21, 2015

The Truth about Our Teen Boys

With the current news full of the story of yet another young man gone tragically wrong, it’s the perfect time for me to bring you a story about some really great young men. The guys that star in Me and Earl and the Dying Girl are good examples of what I've found to be true and deeply good about the teenage guys I've met, and I've met a lot of them. I think it's time we all hear more about what's right about our young men and less about the few lost and angry guys who get so much media attention.

At the start of the movie, we meet Greg (played by Thomas Mann), a high school senior, shy, and full of the pretty standard young male insecurities. He manages to stay socially hidden in background at high school as a way of coping with the complicated worlds of relationships. He subtly moves between all the cliques, like the jocks, stoners, goths, and theatre geeks, being a dabbler but not a member of any. Mostly, he remains a loner. Mostly.

Greg does have one main dude in his life named Earl (R.J. Cyler) who he’s known since childhood. Earl is from the (stereotypical) other side of town and is really Greg’s only true friend. Sadly, Greg is so afraid of what it means to have a real friend, he refers to Earl as his “co-worker.” In addition to their history, the two pals share a common interest in odd European art films. They work together making terrible but really funny amateur movies.

Friendships are a complicated business for young guys Greg and Earl's age. Sitting with teen males in groups, I’ve heard many of them talk about having what’s up friends. Those are the guys they hang out with between classes, at lunch, and sometimes after school. However, few of them say they have any got-your-back-no-matter-what, real friends.

. . . few of them say they have any
got-your-back-no-matter-what, real friends.

The movie really gets started when Greg’s mom (Connie Britton) insists that he check in on Rachel (Olivia Cooke), a distant acquaintance from school who has been diagnosed with leukemia. As his relationship with Rachel develops, a true friendship is born, and Greg begins to truly, but cautiously, care for her. You'll be able to pinpoint the moment in the film when Greg’s heart cracks open and he’s overwhelmed with the flood of feelings he has for Rachel he's been holding back.

As I've witnessed many times, when the I'm Okay Mask comes off, so many young men have amazing capacity to face the very hard parts of their lives, speak deep truths, and express big feelings. You’ll see a lot of that in this film. I’m here to tell you it’s not Hollywood, but a really honest depiction of what's alive behind teen male bravado.

There are tons of great laughs and sub-characters. Greg’s strange, sociology professor father (Nick Offerman), is a riot in weird clothing, odd behavior, and a love for exotic foods. In a non-funny way, it speaks to how so many young guys feel they come from embarrassing or sometimes shameful family situations.

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl won the Grand Jury Prize and the Audience Award at the 2015 Sundance Film Festival, so it has great credentials. But for me, so much of what I saw was just flat out true about my own adolescence, and true about the good young men who sit across from me in school circles.

This film is both very funny and sad at the same time, but the laughs outweigh the tears. The film is worth seeing if you want to touch the angst of your own teen history, increase your young male-literacy, and have your heart lightly squeezed.

Here’s a little taste:

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

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September 23, 2014

Boys, Boobs, and Saying "Yes!"

The breast, . . . was indeed
wonderful and otherworldly for me . . .

Almost half of teens had intercourse before their parents got around to talking with them about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control.
More than half of the teenagers had engaged in genital touching before discussing birth control effectiveness, resisting pressure for sex, and the importance of condom use with their parents.
Girls were more likely than boys to have had talks with parents about sex.

We all know someone has to talk with our young guys about these issues. Mark Schuster is one of the authors of the Talking Parents, Healthy Teens survey and is a co-author of a helpful book titled, Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (but Were Afraid They'd Ask). It's perfect for parents trying to gear up for having "the talk" with their kids. If you're a parent of a young male, read a book, if necessary, and start the conversation with your young man. There is just too much at risk to pretend our young guys aren't going to be sexual.

When considering these conversations with young males, the questions of how to talk about sex, when to bring up the topic, who should be having the conversations, and what the content about sexuality should include, combine to create an extremity complicated matter. These questions are beyond the scope of this post, but I do feel those of us working with young males should be talking among ourselves and with the parents of young guys about how to raise the topic.

That all said, there may be a conversation parents and those of us working with the young dudes can have right now.

The California legislature has just passed a bill that clarifies what it means to have consensual sexual activity. “Activity" means not just the act of intercourse, but all the steps that lead up to two people getting it on. Here is a lot of information on that legal initiative.

. . . our young guys will need to know
how to have a
sexually intimate personal conversation.

Adolescent male sex impulses can be a lot like a snowball rolling downhill, gaining mass and momentum along the way. Given that fact, it’s going to take considerable guidance to make sure our young guys and women are safe in this new day of positive consent. In addition to managing powerful personal biological drives, our young guys will need to know how to have a sexually intimate personal conversation. We can and do need to teach them how to do that.

In our school-based and other circles with young men, personal truths are often spoken. When trust has been formed, there is a level of personal honesty, emotion, and real vulnerability that is often shared. The challenge will be to get young guys to bring this form of intimate exchange into their relationships with women . . . and to do so in the heat of a sexual moment.

There is plenty of grey area remaining between the California law’s legal consent requirements and the reality of human sexuality. But requiring a series of yes's along the way is a good start. Laws regarding consent won't stop someone intent on dominance, manipulating a partner, or committing sexual assault. Just having this issue in the public view can be a good reason to bring up the topic with our young men.

If all the barriers to having these intimate conversations can be overcome, discussions about having a healthy, mutually respectful, and positive relationship with a sexual (or any) partner can be launched with our young men. I say "Yes" to that!

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and NOT in email post delivery, sorry.)

CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

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March 9, 2013

How I Became a Man-Maker

There are those singular moments in a person's life that just change everything. One of those moments in my life profoundly touched my masculine soul, changed my life's direction and, in fact, is the very reason you are reading these words right now.

Ojulu, Okugn, and Family

My wife and I met Ojulu Agote and his family in 1996. They were from Sudan and had arrived via the refugee services division of Lutheran Social Services. Ojulu and his family had experienced the horrors of tribal warfare and then the abuses of life in a refugee camp. After making his way through countless bureaucratic barriers, he had landed in Minneapolis, Minnesota. He had nothing, and was living with his family in a cockroach infested one-bedroom apartment, very much alone in a new world and facing a mountain of practical needs.

At our first meeting, I was focused on getting donations from friends and family to supply them with some of the material support I felt they would need. When I asked Ojulu how I might support him, without a moment’s hesitation the first thing out of that man's mouth was, “Will you to teach my son how to be a man in your country?”

“Will you teach my son
how to be a man in your country?”

Here was a man who had just managed a total hero's journey to a strange land, and only had a couple of mattresses, some beat-up cookware, a lamp, and the clothing they wore. Yet the most important thing on his list of what he needed in his new country was a male elder to guide his young son, Okugn, toward manhood and success.

While my male psyche was cracked open by Ojulu’s request, in that moment, I laughed it off and went right to talking about the practical things the family needed. But deep inside, my world was quaking. I remember feeling confused, embarrassed, strangely inadequate, and very unsure about accepting responsibility to play the role of man-maker in his son’s life.

My life path had not included fathering children. I was doing a good job of being an uncle, but until the moment Ojulu asked that question, I hadn't considered myself a maker of men, a man with a critical role to play in any adolescent boy’s journey into manhood.

From his (patriarchal) tribal culture, Ojulu had learned that even in the best father/son relationship, the elders and the other men in the community had important and necessary gifts for his son. He knew it was men's work to guide, teach, support, and direct the young males on their journey toward manhood. Now he was feeling if his son didn't make a successful crossing into manhood in his new world, everything he had fought for to get his family to this country could be lost.

On that day, Ojulu’s request touched something deep in the core of my masculine identity and launched my quest to learn about the role of men as man-makers. For help in trying to understand my resistance to being a man-maker, and for guidance on how to best honor Ojulu's request, I began asking the advice of my men friends. I also started a research website (man-making.com) where I began asking questions, soliciting stories and getting suggestions from men from around the world. You can read some of these questions for men at this link.

“. . . many men said they didn't have much for guidance, and they too had been poorly prepared for manhood.”

In my research, many men said they didn't have much for guidance, and they too had been poorly prepared for manhood. As a result, they felt they didn’t have much to offer boys and further felt no responsibility and little inclination to go out of their way to support young males on their journey to manhood.

As my conversations about a man's journey to manhood continued to unfold, I realized that like so many of the men responding, for much of my adult life, I too had been unconsciously but continuously searching for "manhood." I had been living with lingering and unformed questions about what it meant to be a man. I really didn’t know what should or could be included in the full range of a mature masculine identity. While I did well by societal standards, I never felt I had acquired that mysterious collection of male skills, knowledge, connections, clarity of life purpose, or the core confidence that made me a fully-formed, solid, mature, and upright man.

Over time, it became clear to me that to honor Ojulu’s request, I felt I first had to become the man I hungered to be. While that is a much longer story, in so many ways, Ojulu’s question and the adventure of discovery for me that resulted, has profoundly changed my life and touched many others.

Okugn's High School Graduation

Since that moment sixteen years ago, my personal development, commitment to this work, knowledge about the male universe, and actions to inspire men toward man-making, have grown considerably. Today, I am connecting with men from all over the world who are discovering and developing their full masculine potential, including making commitments to help young males become good men. I am doing what I can to support Okugn and other boys and men on our collective journey to manhood.

All of this happened as the result of Ojulu’s one question, “Will you to teach my son how to be a man in your country?” It was a question coming from ancient tribal wisdom and reached deep into my male soul and changed my life in countless wonderful ways.

So let me ask you a question: Will you teach boys to become good men? The boys in your world know you have what they need for a successful journey to manhood, and they are waiting for you to show up. If you feel resistance to that call to action, are you willing to look for its source?

What I can promise from personal experience and that of countless men I've encountered on this path, is there are unimaginable and rich lessons about your manhood waiting for you in your answer to those questions.

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July 12, 2012

Men in Schools - for Boys

Dave Bolduc is a development coordinator, board member, and mentor for the Boys to Men Mentoring Network of Virginia, Inc. (BTMVA). This group has been doing Rite of Passage (ROP) programs, Journeymen groups (for ROP weekend graduates), and group mentoring for boys since 2010. As a result, BTMVA already has a staff of volunteer, background-checked men who know how to work with young males. It was a natural next step for them to look at other ways to serve their community.

I spoke with Dave because the men of BTMVA have recently completed a site-based pilot program for boys at the local Tomahawk Creek Middle School. That pilot program consisted of BTMVA men, and occasionally Journeymen, being in a support group circle with selected boys from the school. It ran for an hour each week during the 2011-12 school years.

I really like the school-based model of supporting boys because it provides a perfect and regular location, supportive school teachers and other staff, access to parents, and especially because it solves the big problem of getting adolescent males all physically located in one place.

In the following interview, I asked Dave about the experience, how it got started, what did he learn, and most importantly, did it work for the men and boys involved.

Earl: How did you get connected with the Tomahawk Creek Middle School?

Dave: My partner just happens to be the Librarian at the school. She connected me with the Principal, who then put me in touch with the Assistant Principal who was the coordinator of their Leadership Development program. They all really liked the idea of a program that had adult men involved with their boys.

Earl: Once you got those connections, were there any major bureaucratic hurdles or approvals necessary to proceed?

Dave: Not really. Our own rigorous background checking process to screen men for our BTMVA program met their security needs. All of our participating men did fill out the school volunteer forms. The biggest early challenge was how to fit a group like ours into the school schedule.

Earl: So what did the pilot program look like and how did you select the boys?

Dave: We started out utilizing a block of time that was already allocated to their PACK program. PACK stands for Peers Acting with Care and Kindness. It’s a social skills development program, so our program was perfect for that slot. Our pilot program commitment was for the full school year, meeting on average three Wednesdays a month, from 8-9 AM. That time slot allowed for the men who could flex their work day to attend the morning sessions.

The boys for the pilot were recommended by the school’s teachers, counselors, and the Assistant Principal. Some were kids having behavioral issues or boys who the staff felt would most benefit from this experience. Twenty-four middle school boys, age 12-16, were initially selected.

Earl: Prior to launch did you have any communication with the parents of the recommended boys?

Dave: Yes. We put together a one-page overview of the program, and the Principal put a supportive cover letter on it and sent it to the parents. In the letter, the boys and parents were told our school-supervised program would include regular meetings with a variety of male role models who will, “. . . show up consistently, tell the truth about their struggles as men, ask the boys what kind of men they want to be, praise them for their unique gifts, support them when they screw up, and encourage them to become the good men they all want to be.” We explained that, in addition to the weekly meetings at school, there would also be a 48-hour Rite of Passage Adventure Weekend at the end of the program. The boys were invited to attend an initial meeting, and 22 out of 24 recommended boys showed up.

Earl: So how did that initial program go over?

Dave: Earl, you know how powerful these circles can be, especially for young guys who have never experienced honest, open, caring, and vulnerable men. We did our standard Journeyman Circle format with men and Journeymen speaking personal truth on topics we know are big for these kids. That had the boys wide-eyed and sitting on the edge of their seats.

Almost immediately, many of them began to participate and support each other. After that first circle, permission slips were handed out for the boys to take home, and thirteen boys came back the next week. A couple more showed up a few weeks later after hearing about the program from their peers.

Earl: How many men do you have anchoring these weekly groups?

Dave: We typically have 4-5 men who show up. Initially, there were three women counselors from the school, but after the second session, they (wisely) stepped out and recruited the male band teacher. He came to 90% of the sessions and added a lot.

Earl: Does each session have a specific content focus / topic or do you just go with what the young guys bring?

Dave: We do have a series of themes we are prepared to offer in a program that gradually ramps up the importance of the topics discussed in the circle. We know the issues these young guys are living with, like bullying, divorce, grief, drugs, and more, so we can target these topics if they don’t show up naturally.

It’s amazing though, how quickly this age group is willing to go deep. After hearing from men and Journeymen, the personal vulnerability bar quickly gets set pretty high. Just as beautiful is how naturally the boys in the circle pick up the ability to be supportive for each other. In every group there are moments when kids will offer verbal or other kinds of support for a peer who is struggling.

Next year we’ll have returning kids from this year’s group, who are comfortable in our circle, and they will have been through our powerful Rite of Passage weekend too. This will really help us to set the tone for the new kids. These guys really like belonging to a tribe where other men and boys can be trusted and have their back . . . where the really feel safe.

Being part of a support group that shares feelings and understands yours, having mentors to help you realize that you’re accountable for your actions, having a shoulder from a peer when you need one and being a shoulder for your friends to lean on...these are things that have been shown and validated to my son thru Boys To Men. He’s learned that people do care, it’s not just a bunch of talk. He now truly realizes that he’s never alone.

Christine B. (Jaired’s mom)

Earl: So how about sharing a few of your big lessons after your first year.

Dave: Well there are several.

At the top for me are how important it is that we did this at all. Like so much of this work, there have been huge gains for the kids, the school, families, and considerable impact on the men involved.

Getting enough time from the school to do the program is hard. The school has a lot of other important things to accomplish. With 15- 20 males in the group, we really needed more than an hour. We’re thinking that next year we’ll move to an evening program at the school. That way it’s still school-based, but we’ll have more time for fun and the important work in the circle. An evening time frame will also allow the boys going into high school to come back and continue to be part of the group.

Next time, we are going to put more energy into connecting with parents early on. We’ll meet with the parents once the boys are identified and have expressed interest in joining the group. We may hold an Open House at the beginning of the year, and then have additional gatherings during the year to keep the connection with parents strong. It will also give us another check on the boy's progress from the parental perspective. Community building is important in this work, and letting the parents make connections with other parents is a very good thing. It’s interesting to note that out of 14 boys we had in our group, only 4 of them were in stable, two parent households. There are a lot of parents who can use the support of a “tribe” too.

Finally, we’re going to do a more in-depth application package. We want more detailed parent contact information to do a better job of staying in contact with parents. We also want the permissions necessary from the parents to get more personal data on their boys from the school. In addition to knowing our young guys better, we can have approval for counselors to talk to us directly about their issues. In these ways, we’ll be even better equipped to give these kids the focused kinds of support they need.

I’m thinking that Dave and other good men like him, showing up for all “our sons” in these school-based initiatives, could represent the vanguard of a powerful movement to change the trajectory of the lives of boys, families, schools, and our communities.

If you are inspired to get a few men together to do something similar, send me a note or send Dave Bolduc an email. You never know what a very large difference this small action by a few men might make!

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August 24, 2011

The Demise of Guys (and a Naked Jennifer Lopez?)

In the TED video below, Psychologist Philip Zimbardo asks, "Why are boys struggling?" Clearly, our young males are struggling on a number of scales mentioned by Mr. Zimbardo. However, I can't bring myself to agree with his diagnosis of the problem. Mr. Zimbardo says it's due to fear of intimacy, social shyness, and being unable to use, "the language of face contact." His term for this issue is, "Social Intensity Syndrome." Apparently it explains why guys prefer male bonding over "female mating." Using a logic I couldn't quite follow, according to Philip, Social Intensity Syndrome somehow explains why guys prefer to be with their buddies watching football on Superbowl Sunday than watching a naked Jennifer Lopez in a film. You'll have to listen to the clip below to see if you can understand that train of thought.

He does us all a service, however, in being another voice raising the issue of too much time spent by adolescent males in the two-dimensional world of the internet. He quotes data from Jane McGonigal, which claims, by age 21, boys have spent 10,000 hours playing internet games, with two-thirds of that time being in isolation. He also quotes Cindy Gallop, who believes as a result of adolescent boys watching 50+ porn clips a week, we are creating men who don't know the difference between making love and doing porn.

I don't agree boy shyness, their comfort being in a male pack, and love of watching any competition in which objects are flying through space is a new "syndrome." I also don't think young males having a vivid sexual fantasy life is in any way new or abnormal. In fact, I think those tendencies are all a natural and direct result of having a male brain and eons of accumulated masculine experience. The danger I do agree with is how the internet can put a powerful magnifying glass on those natural tendencies and ramp up their intensity for better and worse.

I do like that, in this TED video and many other places, there is a larger discussion taking place about how young male brains are being shaped in powerful and unhealthy ways by seductive and targeted digital media, designed to play on normal adolescent drives. Discussions about the issues of destructive media influences or technology-addicted kids need to happen. Those in the business of man-making for young guys, including parents, relatives, and men who want to show up as positive role models, all need to be able to discuss and offer reasonable guidelines to the magnetic draw of the digital universe. Actually being great role models, when it comes to technology use, is a great first step.

A quick internet search on media addiction and boys will turn up countless resources to help us all increase our techno-literacy in relation to our boys. I'll be reviewing some of the resources on this topic in future posts, but give this 5 minute clip by Mr. Zimbardo a listen and see what comes up for you.

If the clip isn't visible use this link.

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June 18, 2011

The Children of Incarcerated Parents

I’m in deep grief, a little disoriented, and angry.

Today’s New York Times has an editorial by President Jimmy Carter describing the dismal failure of America’s 40 year-old “war on drugs.” In addition to the tragic failure to limit drug consumption in the US, he describes an increase from a half-million people in prison when he left office in the 80’s to nearly 2.3 million by 2009. The increase can be attributed for over-incarceration of non-violent and often minor drug offenses. So much for another costly and failed war mostly fought on distant shores. If you add to the people in prison, those on probation or parole it adds up to 7.2 million. That means for every one hundred thousand Americans, 743 are in jail and 3 percent of all American adults are dealing with the justice system.

But that’s not the only reason I’m sad . . .

The dollar costs and human trauma represented by having that much of our population incarcerated is hard to imagine and reason enough for sadness. But there is a related statistic that really breaks my heart. A lot of those people in jail have kids. It is estimated that close to 2.5 million children have incarcerated parents, and they are living with the remaining and now single parent, their grandparents, or they are in some form of foster care. That’s almost 1 in 23 kids in the US. These are kids who, because of their family dynamics, neighborhoods, poverty, lack of education, or social influences are 4 times more likely to enter the criminal life.

But that’s not the only reason I’m sad . . .

Over the last year I have been working with communities and mentoring organizations who have been serving these Children of Incarcerated Parents (CIP’s) with funding from the Mentoring Children of Prisoners (MCP) federal grant. The grant was launched in 2010, and administered by the Family and Youth Services Bureau (FYSB). It awarded $49.3 million dollars to support tribes, faith-based organizations, and hundreds of mentoring programs. That meant some 30,000 of those kids with parents in jail got a mentor who could help with homework, have some fun with them in their community, and all those kids would get to experience safe and trusting relationships with positive adult allies and mentors. In these relationships, kids found a source for objectivity and guidance around their very difficult life issues, they had role models for appropriate social behaviors, and they had a caring adults who could see, and frequently name, the beauty they saw in their mentee.

The MCP grant, and the amazing work done by so many dedicated staff, in countless organizations, and the gifts of time and energy from so many generous and caring adults who signed on to mentor CIP’s stops this September because the grant was shut down. Gone, done, unfunded, deleted. Something about we can’t afford to invest our own tax dollars at home, and why should we care about those people anyway.

Never mind the foolish shortsightedness of eliminating well-spent prevention money. What about a very large portion of those 30,000 kids with parents in jail, again, losing an important and caring adult in their lives. Again, finding themselves alone in facing almost insurmountable odds in their very hard lives.

Now THAT makes me really sad . . . and more than a little angry.

You?

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March 21, 2011

Sons of Divorce and Suicide

Our friends at the Men’s Health Forum Scotland are in the business of building very good and healthy men. That work just happens to be very good for boys. Their organization sponsors events (in Scotland, of course) and puts out regular e-bulletins on topics of interest to men. In a recent e-bulletin they directed men to the recent research report from the University of Toronto study showing how some boys are more vulnerable to suicidal thoughts if their parents divorce before the boy is eighteen. Apparently the issue is not as prevalent in girls.

The study, published online Jan. 19 in the Journal Psychiatry Research, found that boys of divorce are two to three times as likely to seriously consider taking their own lives as men whose parents were not divorced by that age. Dr. Esme Fuller-Thomson, the study’s lead author and a professor of family and community medicine at the University of Toronto noted in most cases of divorce, until recently, it was the moms who got custody of the children. She felt that, “The loss of a male role model for the boys may seriously impact their well-being . . .” and the lack of regular contact with dad could have a negative emotional and developmental impact on sons.

Now please remember we're talking about THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE here. Divorced parents shouldn't get panicked about their sons. The good Dr. Fuller-Thomson allowed that serious thoughts of suicide affect only a small minority of children, and there are lots of other factors that can influence a kid's negative thinking. Most importantly, the vast majority of children of divorce do just fine.

I'm bringing this up because suicidal ideation is yet another negative consequence of boy socialization to be tough, don't show/have feelings (weakness), and certainly don't ask for help. It's also a good reason for boys to have contact with the divorced dad (if they are good for each other), and for the young man to have good and caring men in their lives as role models. Having an age appropriate conversation with dad or sharing their thinking and feelings around the divorce with other supportive adults will help protect boys from internalizing their emotions or keep them from living with irrational guilt and feelings of responsibility for the divorce.

You can read more about the details of this research in a recent New York Times Health Blog article, or read about how to help kids manage their feelings around divorce at kidshealth.org.

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March 15, 2011

Message About Schools - I'm Just Sayin!

Yes I do know that in all probability this is not a real answering machine message from a school in Australia, or New York, or maybe anywhere. But I kind of like it!

I'm just sayin . . .

Use this link if the video doesn't appear.

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