Building Strong Boys and Communities

I like to profile organizations doing the important work of supporting boys, men, and communities. In the following contributed post, Colin Irish, a very solid man-maker, describes the process his organization, Threshold Passages, Inc.(TPI), went through to move from doing great work with men and boys to the larger challenge of building strong communities. Colin is the President of TPI, Inc., a good friend, and a man who is rapidly becoming what I call a communitarian!

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The Wheel. Imagine being the person that invented it. Total genius. But never mind inventing it again. Nobody wants to do that. Or do they?

I run Threshold Passages, Inc., (TPI), a community-building, non-profit organization based in Denver, Colorado. As our name indicates, our original mission was to do rites of passage events for boys, followed by mentoring (See video clip at the end ). When we were the new kids on the block, naive and eager, we got our original operational guidelines from a national organization. It was full of how to’s and prescriptions. We gratefully soaked up the wisdom of those who had gone before us.

After a while, however, we realized the “one size fits all” prescription didn’t fit so well. We took some programming lumps, learned some things the hard way, and eventually, we took the risk to come up with our own way of doing things. For a long while we lived in the old adage that says, “It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.” Then one happy day, we finally realized we could give ourselves permission to do what worked for our community! That’s when the wheels really started turning. Creativity was unleashed and new ideas started popping up that got everyone excited.

In fairly short order, our mission expanded from serving only boys in a certain age range (12-17yrs) to creating offerings for their parents, too. Instead of a classic mentor-mentee match-up, a group mentoring format was started that was a better fit for our men and boys. We were learning as we went, often creating what we needed on the spot. When we started our own leader training programs, I got the call from the national non-profit asking, “Why reinvent the wheel?” My immediate answer, “Because it’s so fun!”  The truth was that we were being pulled (led) by our community to fill in some critical blanks by responding to the call we heard, and it was exciting. It wasn’t long after that call we decided to change our name, changed our relationship with the big national non-profit, and became an independent local entity.

We went from an outfit committed to building
strong boys and men
to one committed to building a strong community.

Today we are still reinventing, coming up with new programs and approaches as part of our business model . . . programs that really fit our community. We have reorganized, and changed our mission from solely serving boys to serving whole families. We went from an outfit committed to building strong boys and men to one committed to building a strong community.

Most recently, in addition to the Journey to Manhood (J2M) program, we’ve added a female led program for girls called Journey to Womanhood (J2W). That’s when we started to become an organization that serves the whole village. We’re expanding from working with teens, too. The younger boys and girls need something to belong to and the young adult men and women are asking for help with adult life. We’ve also put out a call to our elders – men and women over fifty years old who wish to serve – saying, “We need you!” The response was essentially, “Sure, but what does an elder do?” Turns out we’re not sure how to build that elder wheel, so we’re looking into creating an elder training.

As President of TPI, with 9 years’ experience supporting young people moving toward adulthood and their families, my suggestion is to simply start with what you have. Starting is important. Do the thing you and your allies are called to do. Anything you do will be better than not being there for your young people. Don’t be discouraged by the bumps in the road, and don’t hold your initial ideas too tightly. Stay open, let your experience guide you, and enjoy the excitement of learning along the way. In this way, boys, girls, men, women, elders, families, and your community will be best served . . . and you will have a grand adventure.

Collin Irish, President, Threshold Passages,
303-889-2800
Web: thresholdpassages.org

Here is a short peak at the TPI Rites of Passage Adventure Weekend for Boys.



If the clip isn't visible use this link.

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Fishing and the Good Men Factory

We all know boys need good men in their lives, but where is the "good men" factory, and what does that have to do with fishing for Walleyes?

In my home state of Minnesota, Walleye and Northern Pike fishing opener is May 12th, and it always has the 'land of 10,000 lakes' gearing up for the event. That's why when a Man-Making Blog reader, Kai B., pointed me to an article in the local StarTribune newspaper’s online edition, about a group of men friends going fishing, it really caught my attention. It's a story about “reel” friends, men who started fishing together as teens and who are still going at it fifty-five years later.

The article describes some tall fish tales, stupid teen stories from the men’s early years, and lots of very funny things that happened along the way. But these guys also have grown up together, evolved through normal men's lives of profession, marriages, and kids. They’ve even lost some of the original crew and supported each other through the death and dying of their friends. Through it all, they have become profoundly close.

At its heart, this fishing story is really a tale of how, through their shared activities, common guy humor, and the life challenges they have faced together, they have come to love, trust, and depend on each other. You could think of the hanging out together, the time sitting side-by-side in the boat and talking, playing cards, laughing at each other’s jokes, and facing difficulties together, as a kind of factory that makes good men better.

Without question, I can say my masculinity has been shaped in a similar guy factory and that my life is also anchored by good men. There have been lots of men with whom I've shared outdoor adventures, had lots of laughs, and spent comfortable hang time together. There have also been many men, who have sat across a circle from me in different men’s groups, and who are able to hang in there for each other when hard times need to be faced, or in those moments when deep and personal truths need to be shared. They have been the kind of men who can listen big by letting me talk till I can unwind myself, not judge me, and not try to fix me when I’m done. They are the men who accept me, in spite of my quirks, and love me anyway. I'm blessed and kept sane by these gloriously imperfect "brothers." They are men I've come to really know, trust, and love. Without any doubt, in their company, through their example, and from their stories, I’ve been made into a better man.

Without any doubt,
in their company, through their example, and from their stories,
I’ve been made into a better man.

It wasn't always that way. I spent the first thirty-five years of my life as "human tumbleweed." I was a guy who was smart, fun, creative, even engaging, but a man with little emotional vocabulary, limited capacity for real intimacy, and a distinct aversion to personal vulnerability. I was, in truth, a man who kept up the shield of, "I'm doing great," and was a master of small talk, from the scores of the latest sports game, brands of beer, the latest jokes, and yes, even the weather. I wasn't rooted in any community, my relationship life with women was a disaster, and in those early years, I wouldn't have been able to even tell you what it meant to have real men friends. I was a guy who had a thousand connections to people, all an inch deep. I was surrounded by people, but behind my facade my truth was I felt lonely, defective, and disconnected.

As the result of some relationship-oriented therapy, I was referred to my first men’s group. The experience of being in that first male circle, without question, began the search to find “me,” my manhood, and my male community. In men’s circles, I have found solid masculine ground to stand on, and a core of self-love and self-respect that helps me to be a real friend, loving husband, and contributing member of my community.

Men need other men as dependable companions, sounding boards, playmates, co-adventurers, and supportive allies. That's why the fishing story about "reel" friends touched me so deeply. When these men got started as a pack, they were just teen boys fooling around. To be sure, fifty-five years ago the idea of a men's group wasn't what they had in mind, nor was the notion of a men’s group even in the public imagination. Today, men's groups are getting easier to find. They may become more important for men as the challenges facing men, young males, and our communities are becoming more complicated.

What is certain is, if men are going to stand strong for the next few generations of young males, for their families, and in their communities, they may just need to find their way to the "good men" factories. Those masculine places that can make good men better . . . and it just might be in a boat fishing for Walleyes!

Did you learn something about manhood in a fishing boat?

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You, Me, Us, and Ubuntu

Ubuntu is an ancient African word meaning humanity to others. Another beautiful interpretation, attributed to Archbishop Desmond Tutu goes, Ubuntu is not, “I think therefore I am.” It says rather: “I am a human because I belong. I participate. I share.” Or more literally, "I am because you are." 

Ubuntu speaks to the heart of our essential interdependence. It's about the power we have as a collection of common humanity, to care for and about each other. It's about what happens when we touch this sense of we-ness, and use it to change ourselves and lift others up. We express it by giving of ourselves, naturally, to the rest of our community for the common good.

Ubuntu is a notion in direct opposition to the ideas of fierce independence, selfishness, I don't need anyone's help, and especially, their problems have nothing to do with me and I shouldn't get involved. Bill Clinton once said about Ubuntu, ". . . the world is too small, our wisdom too limited, our time here too short, to waste any more of it in winning fleeting victories at other people's expense." He was suggesting we need each other way more than we realize.

Ubuntu shows up in people who dedicate their lives to fighting injustice against all odds, and in some large or small way, being relentless about making a difference in the lives of people who need help and support. I've profiled many of them in these posts, especially the men who unselfishly show up for other people's sons. I consider these men my heroes. In people who give of themselves to our communities in so many ways, Ubuntu seems to be an almost instinctual and selfless commitment to others.

It often happens in times of crisis when our connection to each other rises above all the things that separate and distance us from each other. It's the call that gets the neighbors together in a flood to rescue those who are trapped. It is what's working when strangers show up to help dig out someone whose home was just blown apart by a tornado. It's a force which, if we were inclined, could go a long way to help the homeless, the hungry, schools that desperately need community support, and the thousands of young males lost on their confusing journey to manhood who are waiting for a good man to show up as a friend and guide.
 
Check out the video below. It's one of many powerful demonstrations of Ubuntu the United States has seen in recent times. Then stop and consider what we could accomplish in our communities if we could elicit just a little more Ubuntu.

I am a human because I belong. I participate. I share.

I am because you are.

If the clip is not visible go to THIS LINK.

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