Sticks and Stones - A Man's Story about Surviving Boyhood Bullying

The presentation in the clip below is from poet, Shane Koyczan. The video has been out for a while, but the bullying he describes is age old. His spoken-word poem, To This Day, is filled with a mix of courage, painful honesty and humor as he tells his tale of surviving bullying and the rage that makes a bully. If you let his message in, it's a cry-while-laughing experience.

As a small kid who grew up in a blue collar, working class neighborhood, I could not escape the feeling he was telling my story. Every day, I lived with the fear of the after-school battle grounds and the terror of being seen and caught by the bullies. I know you, too, regardless of your gender, understand some part of the bullying picture he paints. I don't think anyone escapes, and we all faced it in some way.  Still today, for me, those emotions are close to the top, especially when facing angry or mean-spirited people. I know it’s why his piece touched me so profoundly.

The following quotes from Shane are out of context and won’t reach as deep inside you as the full TED presentation below. But here are a few Shane-isms . . . that really spoke to me:

• I’ve gotten shot down so many times I get altitude sickness just from standing up for myself.
• We were expected to define ourselves at an early age and if we didn’t do it, others did it for us… 
• My dreams got called names, too. 
• From age 15 to 18, I hated myself for becoming the thing I loathed, a bully. 
• The school halls were a battleground . . . yet we used to stay inside for recess because outside was worse . . . 
• Because of a birthmark that takes up less than half her face, kids used to say she looks like a wrong answer someone tried to erase but couldn’t get the job done. 
• “. . . he became a mixed drink of one part left alone and two parts tragedy.” 
• We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog because we see ourselves in them. 
• If you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror!

For the purposes of Man-Making work, what I like the most about Shane’s presentation is how it takes us all back to that horrible and fearful place emotionally. Yes, I like that. I think it invites us to re-feel/live all those horrors of bullying from that time in our lives. His words and artful presentation put us in direct communication with the nightmare too many kids are living right now, every day. I like a visceral response because I believe it’s from that place of discomfort where transformation, action, and the needed honest conversations can begin. When you share a clip like this with the young people in your world and then ask them about their gut reaction, regardless of what is said, healing, support, and the desire to make a difference all show up.

If you have a personal story about bullying when you were a kid and have the courage to share it, use the comment section below or send it along to me and I’ll add it for you. You can be anonymous if you like.

If the clip does not show up use this link

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Fighting Invisible Tigers

I remember a few years back getting a hand-written letter from a young kid in jail. He had shot another kid in a gang-banging incident and, at 15, was sentenced for murder. He had found my book, Fighting Invisible Tigers, in the library of his facility and in his letter he was begging me to "help me do something about my anger." Call this self-promotion if you like, but I get about 10 letters a year from kids, some who need help and some saying "thank you" for the perspective they got from the book.

Let's face it, the pressures on kids today are extraordinary. Academic, social, digital, economic, and then there is whatever is going on in their family life. This book was originally written in 1982 and continues to sell in the thousands of copies every year. Over a quarter million sold to date. While I'm happy about that, it's more of a testimonial to the need for support young people are expressing.

At this link you can hear a podcast of an interview I did with Bobbi Connor at The Parent's Journal. In it you will learn a lot about my views on the topic of kids and stress in the world today: what kids are up against, the risks they face, and how parents can help. I also talk about stress management skill building. For example, you can hear me define the difference between stress coping strategies (dealing with the feelings of stress) and real stress management skills. I speak to a few of the 10 stress reducing strategies discussed in the book.

My award-winning publisher, Free Spirit Publishing, has included some relaxation training mp3's on the Tiger's web page on their site. If you'd like to try on a quick psycho-physiologic relaxation break, you can hear yours truly guiding you through a short program that may help bring some calm into your stressful day. Stress management skills aren't just for kids, right?

Thanks for indulging me in this wee bit of self-promotion. In addition to my passion for connecting young males with good men, in the Tigers book, I'm doing what I can to make the world a better place for young people. I hope this inspires you to do the piece you can do.

PS: The kid who wrote me from jail got out, is doing great, and on February 6, 2011, he will celebrate 10 years of freedom. He's a nurse working in a home that serves HIV patients. He's a strong and capable young man, launched in a professional career. His anger is no longer an issue.

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If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, go to this link for a free subscription.