A Mom Wants Heroes for Her Son

I got a challenging message from the mom of a ten-year-old boy named Aaron. Melody K. wrote, I find it hard to raise a boy to be a man and male mentors are not easy to find. There seem to be lots of resources to help women and girls but not much for boys and men. Even our local Boy Scout groups have more moms than dads involved. My son needs to have good male mentors and some positive male heroes he can look up to. Can you profile some of these men?

Some of our military men are really heroes and would be great role models. Another good example was Quannah Parker, the last war leader of the free Comanche. He had a very difficult life on the plains and was focused on helping his people withstand the challenges to their way of life. He was also a brave warrior.

I'd like to read about lots of positive male role models, all with their own unique strengths. Their stories would be so encouraging to boys like my son who are looking for guidance and thinking about what kind of man they are going to become.

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Here's part of my response to Melody: First of all, I believe ALL men are role models for boys because as young males approach adolescence they start watching and emulating the men around them. Like it or not, while they may not yet be heroes, all men are in the business of mentoring boys, whether they know it or not.

. . . all men are in the business of mentoring boys
whether they know it or not.

As I look back on my life the real hero for me was the man who lived next door. Mark Moore was the father of two girls and I know he liked having a young guy around. He knew about the alcoholic messes that happened in my house and, without saying much, he took me under his protective wing.

I can still remember the winter day Mark showed me his tackle box, a thing of mystery and things masculine for sure. I spent many days that winter waiting for late spring and the day Mark and I headed out to go fishing, with all the adventure, things to learn, and the beauty of nature. I learned to put a hook on the line, add the bait, and then how to be patient while waiting for your dreams to come true. Sometimes we even caught fish and I had to learn about life and death. Mark also invited me into his garage woodshop where I learned about tools, planning, building things, and starting over when necessary.

I wrote a blog post about Mark Moore in 2010, when I learned about his death, because, while I didn't realize it at the time, he taught me so much about being a man without even trying. He was and is my hero.

. . . he taught me so much about being a man
without even trying.

For better and worse, there are always men in the media for boys to watch. Way back when I was a kid, I had superheroes. I’m old enough to remember the early ones like Lone Ranger, Sky King, Superman, and Batman. While those shows were much less graphic, sexy, and violent than today's versions, my heroes were always strong, clean, and capable. They were constantly busy nabbing bad guys and doing the right thing for the people they served. They didn’t swear, always stood for positive values, and were always humble about their good work. Life was so innocent back then!

When training men to work with young guys, I like to ask them about their heroes. The hero question is actually number 7 on my list of Questions for Men which you can find on the Man-Making website. The question is: As an adolescent boy, who was one of your male heroes from film, music, sports, or television? What did that man teach you about manhood? Was there another man who was less visible and maybe less famous who stood out for you? What did you learn about being a man from him?

. . . who are your male heroes today?

So dear reader, let's help Melody and her son Aaron out. Do you have your own stories about men, or a special man, who has inspired you? Who were your heroes growing up and who are your male heroes today? What good men, real heroes, or positive role models have you come across in your life, film, TV, or in books? Send a paragraph along to me and I'll publish them (anonymously if you like) on this blog. I'll also add them to the Men's Stories collection evolving on the Man-Making website.

For the record, if you're a man and reading this post, you are my hero! It's because you wouldn't be here reading this unless you've heard the call to Man-Making, however faint. Reading these posts IS a step toward increasing your young male literacy, moving you closer to action in support of a young guy . . . and maybe becoming some young guy's hero!

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Heroes

I rarely post twice in a week, but I've been stewing about another lost, young male shooter, the student from Virginia Tech. I'm still in shock. The more I take man-making seriously, the more I let myself actually feel the sadness and hurt from these too-frequent experiences. Each time this happens it also increases the responsibility I feel for the next lost boy I encounter, and that is a good thing. But that is not what this post is about.

Today I got a very helpful email from Antonello Vanni, a man-maker in Italy. He said, I think we should remember Professor Liviu Librescu because he's an example young people have to look at.

Antonello is right. In an age where you have to dig deep to find real public heroes . . . people of integrity, solid values, courage, compassion, and visibility in the world, Professor Librescu does stand out and should be held up for emulation. He was a brilliant, 76 year old, concentration camp survivor and husband and father, with everything to live for. Yet he didn't hesitate a minute to throw his body in front of the shooter as he attempted to enter his classroom to kill his students. His action saved many lives but cost him his own.

I have encountered many very good men (and women) engaged in man-making work. Indeed, they are my heroes and sheroes. But when someone like Professor Librescu shows up on the national media, it gives us all an opportunity to name his act and person heroic, and point that out to the young people around us.

Who are your national heroes? Whose leadership gives you hope? Could you so quickly choose to be heroic as Professor Librescu did in saving his student's lives?

Good questions to keep in mind as makers of men.

Man-Making Heroes - Bringing Love to School

He's going to any lengths to keep kids safe.

In the clip below, listen to one of my heroes, Akbar Cook, the principal of West Side High School in Newark, New Jersey. He says, "Let's put some loving people in the building...." If he is right, and this is, "...the new norm for education...," we all have a place in his vision and some work to do.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

Oh yeah, as it turns out, the famous Oprah heard about the Lights on Program and donated a half-million dollars to Newark's West Side High School!

"Let's put some loving people in the building..."

We all can't be Oprah, but what small thing can you do to support "our" kids?

Thanks to another of my heroes, Joe Sigurdson of the Boys to Men Mentoring Network in San Diego for his example and this inspiration.

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Heroes, Sheroes, and Gospel for Teens

This post is about what I call Heroes and Sheroes. People I hold in high esteem because of the work they do and the stand they have taken for kids. I hope their stories are inspirational and motivational for you.

The first is Mike Patrick, a man I'm so proud to call my friend and easily one of my biggest heroes. Exactly 40 years ago on September 3rd, as Mike says, he was sentenced to the electric chair. Not the kind you find in prison, but a motorized wheelchair. At a high school football game on that evening of September 3, 1971, Mike was tackled and in the process his neck was broken. In that instant, he became a sixteen year old quadriplegic, an athlete unable to walk, and a student unable to even turn the pages of a book.

Mike's very long recovery included surgeries, repeated hospitalizations, and a run in with depression. When he was able, Mike went back to school, got a teaching degree, and set out to change the lives of as many kids on the planet as possible. He rolled into a 26 year career as a professional speaker, teaching young people all across the US to really consider their true potential. His amazing Think About It program helps kids (and adults) overcome obstacles, invites them to creatively solve problems, and to always push through any barriers to being their best. As Mike likes to point out, "The problem is not the issue, the issue is how you deal with the problem." I encourage you to visit Mike's website, and learn more about this remarkable man. I guarantee it will be a day brightener.

It was Mike Patrick who pointed me to the work of  Vy Higgenson, a true Sheroe. Vy is lifting up the young people of Harlem, New York through her Gospel for Teens program. She is a solid example of how someone can take a personal passion and shape it into a force for changing the lives of countless young people.

Just below you'll find video clips of two segments from the TV Show, 60 Minutes, profiling Vy and her Gospel for Teens program. Watching, you'll quickly understand why Vy is one of my sheroes. Like Mike Patrick, her story is another eye-dampening, day brightener.

It's easy to be in awe of these people, but be careful not to put them on a pedestal. They both started with limited resources and a powerful passion for what they loved doing. As you watch, consider the fact that you, too, have this same capacity in you. What would Mike or Vy have to say to you about going for it?

Segment One:

If the video for segment ONE doesn't show up, use this link.

Segment Two:

If the video for segment TWO doesn't show up, use this link.

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Boys, Men, Horses and Heroes

It has to be scary for a young man raised in the streets of a city, to encounter something so big and otherworldly as a horse! I guess that's the point! It's the reason the men of the Boys To Men of Memphis Mentoring Program in Memphis, Tennessee, are using horses to teach boys important lessons about dealing with your fears, caring for others, being responsible, and much, much more.

The picture below shows some of the young guys grooming a horse. It was taken from a video by a local Memphis TV station, that describes the very good work these folks are doing with and for boys. To see the full video, use this link.

The news station was so impressed with what they learned in taping this segment, that the station, along with a local church, donated $1000 to the Boys to Men of Memphis Mentoring Program. Nice!

This is just another example of how a few people, who really understand the need to guide young men on their journey toward a positive manhood can step up. I'm proud of them and am adding them to my growing list of heroes and sheroes in this work. Use this link if you want to learn about other heroes I've written about in the past.

If you want to learn more about this group, and perhaps be inspired to take an interest of yours and grow it into working with young men, you can contact them at Boys to Men of Memphis Mentoring Program, 1596 Barton Street, Memphis, TN 38106 or call (901) 810-1123

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The Cost of Fatherlessness & Heroes

Brother Mustafa F. Mahdi is one of my Man-Making heroes. He is the founder and spiritual glue at The Rising Son, Inc. Young Men's Development Center, in Jonesboro, Georgia. The center's mission is to "reduce fatherless families by providing programs and activities designed to prepare young men for the challenges of manhood and responsible fatherhood."

In an world where the most common response to young males seems to be putting them in prison, Mustafa and his co-workers provide and amazing array of services through the Rising Son. After school and Saturday academic mentoring, summer day camps for boys, a Faithful Fathers mentoring program, and the Pathways to Manhood Rite of Passage program . . . just for starters.

As their website points out, "...our program provides Mentors to guide young men successfully on their "Journey to Manhood". Teaching our sons to be men before they become husbands and husbands before they become fathers, will break the devastating cycle of fatherless families."

"To be a man, you have to see a man"

To measure the challenge that this very good man and his allies are facing, check out the statistics just below, taken from their website. Because of the faith, courage, and relentlessness shown by Brother Mustafa and the good people at Rising Son, they are all my heroes and role models for all of us.

THE EFFECTS OF FATHERLESSNESS

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)

90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)

71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)

75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes (Source: Rainbows for all God's Children.)

63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)

80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978)

70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)

85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)

The statistics above show that children from fatherless families are:

* 5 times more likely to commit suicide.

* 32 times more likely to run away.

* 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders.

* 14 times more likely to commit rape.

* 9 times more likely to drop out of high school.

* 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances.

* 9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution.

* 20 times more likely to end up in prison.

Walters Wacky (Mentoring) Adventure

Gary Walters is one of my heroes. I love when people take action on their values, and this man happens to very much believe in having good adults mentor young people. So much so that he is riding a bike across the US to raise money for his favorite mentoring organization, Kinship Partners of Brainerd Minnesota.

In this photo Gary is shown with his son Jackson and daughter Jessica who will be joining their dad on this considerable challenge. The ride has an unusual route in that the family departed Brainerd, MN on July 15 and biked to the East coast. From there they will fly to Seattle, WA on the West coast and ride back to Minnesota, arriving on or about Sept. 6. That is a total of 3287 road miles with plenty of challenges along the way. By the time this post is published they will be just about in Seattle and ready to start the West to East leg.

For the record, this is the NINTH YEAR in a row that Gary has put his belief in mentoring and giving back to the community into action via a physical test of endurance. To learn more about these feats, and possibly make a donation to support Gary's fundraising efforts, go to his donation page. In addition to those contributions, all donations submitted through September 6th using the "Donate" button on the Man-Making Blog homepage will be forwarded to Gary at the conclusion of his ride.

You can follow the family's adventures and "Like" them on their Facebook page at this link. I'm sure they would appreciate a message of encouragement.

For his solid and unwavering commitment to mentoring, Gary is included in the Man-Making Hall of Heroes. If you know of another Man-Making hero who deserves some praise, please send along your nominations . . . or better yet, become one!

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Mentoring Heroes and A Give-Away

Kilbarchan is the oldest continuously-operated residential facility for children in the United States, and is currently managed by YCS, Youth Consultation Service. It was established as an orphanage in 1831 and currently serves boys ages 12 to 17 years old, who are unable to live in their natural or foster homes.

A group of men in that community decided to become man-makers for the lost boys at Kilbarchan. I consider these men as some of the heroes doing this important work and I want to share their story. The following is from Greg Zimmer who is speaking for the group:

Six years ago, myself and a group of men from the Mankind Project got together to do some mission work at Kilbarchan, a local home for "troubled" young men ranging in age from 12-17. Most of the boys had been victims of some form of neglect or abuse and often were under rather heavy doses of medication.

The idea we had was to visit the boys monthly, and to be positive male role models for them. We usually brought a "program" or activity session of some kind. These included activities like picnic table building, basketball clinics, (legal) graffiti lessons, poetry night, astronomy night, magic shows, and much more.

The sessions were greatly enjoyed by the boys, but the most obvious result of the visits was how the boys looked forward to seeing the men. After one of our early meetings in which we all had a great time, one of the boys asked the men, “What took you guys so long to get here?” In six years, we’ve only missed one month and that was simply due to a scheduling conflict. The MKP men have become one of the most stable and dependable parts of the boys lives.

From the men's side, we often hear comments like, "nothing I've ever done has given me more of a feeling of accomplishment than when we bring some fun into these kid's lives…" or "this is what MKP mission work is really about."

In order to make it possible for other groups of men to create similar programs, I’ve put together a "template" that shows what we learned in our years at Kilbarchan and how we grew the program into its current form. I’d be happy to share that template if you contact me at the phone number or email below. We would welcome the opportunity to help anyone set up a similar program in their community.

Greg Zimmer – 973.427.8000 – email: zimmerind@aol.com

For the Love of Basketball

This is another of my collection of "heroes" posts. Or, as I like to call them, "What One Man Can Do" stories. We are all regularly confronted with stories in the news about wild young guys doing foolish things, often with tragic consequences for themselves, their peers, and their community. Your community! Who among us has not at least thought, "Someone should do something about those boys!" The heroes I write about in these posts are the men who step up and act. Mario Lamarre is one of those men.

Mario Lamarre

Mario is the founder of Hoop Alliance Mentoring. It's a program built to connect coaches, mentors, and prospective basketball players in Brockton, Massachusetts. It is also a powerful mentoring program that teaches critical life lessons and gives young men a safe haven, all through the love of basketball.

. . . critical life lessons
all through the love of basketball.

According to a recent story in the Brockton Enterprise, it all began 7 years ago when Mario emptied his savings account to get the program started. He set up the program at the Boys & Girls Club in Brockton where he worked. This past August, the Hoop Alliance Mentoring basketball tournament was hosted by Brockton High School, in a beautiful gym, complete with fans in the bleachers.

Hoop Alliance Mentoring has grown over the years, and now serves over one hundred students. The students are divided into six teams, with ten members each, and two co-coaches. The remaining forty kids are "playing for fun," and I suspect, hoping for a shot at getting on a team. The teams meet on Mondays for one-on-one mentoring and practice, and then on either Tuesdays or Thursdays they have games. 

The teams are sponsored by local business which ups the community involvement. The young men are surrounded by older men and program graduates who function as coaches and community mentors for the young guys. The mentors' primary purpose is to encourage the players to become better athletes and help them build outstanding character. Mario hopes to soon add a girls' division, and set up an official nonprofit organization. You can read more about Hoop Alliance Mentoring in The Brockton Enterprise article.

In the tournament, the red team defeated the orange team, 68-57. But really they are all on the same team and they are all equally victorious! 

Mario Lamarre is just one man who decided to act and do something for the young guys around him. It took time and determination to keep his dream alive. The result is that he has positively influenced the lives of countless young men, and positively impacted families and his community in the process.

Mario Lamarre is my hero for sure . . . but maybe you could be too. 

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The ReUp Rap Contest that Healed the Hood

When yet another senseless crime took the life of an inner-city teen and struck at the heart of yet another community, news anchor Charlene Israel (now Charlene Aaron), realized she had to do something. So she got together with some other very good people from her community and started The ReUp Rap Contest. The ReUP is a hip-hop competition designed to promote change in the 7 Cities area of Virginia. This extremely important first step launched an amazing community initiative that changed the lives of many young men and touched many others in her community.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO REACH KIDS,
TO BRING THIS COMMUNITY TOGETHER?

"The ReUp" is a documentary film about that competition. It was filmed and edited by Lion'El with music by A-Rock and Just Archie. The film follows the evolution of the hip-hop competition and represents over a year of hard work, heartache, blood, sweat, and tears to create. It is a beautiful story of a community's trauma and loss. It's also the story of the actions people took to heal and support their kids and their community.

It's well worth your time to watch and actually witness the changes as street kids become proud, new young rappers. They have different levels of skill, but each of them has a powerful, often emotional story to tell. You'll hear lyrics of anger, sadness, and hopelessness, which wouldn't have otherwise been expressed. We would have been left with a pressurized and angry young man in the street. I'm reminded of the quote from Dr. William Pollack, author of the book, Real Boys, when he said, “If we don’t let our boys cry tears, they’ll cry bullets.” In this documentary, you'll hear how The ReUp has allowed these young guys to finally have a voice, a way to speak the truth about their lives that we all need to hear.

Warning: The full YouTube video (below) will only be available for a short time.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

Rules of The ReUp Rap contest:
Lyrical content must not contain:
swearing, violence/gunplay
objectification of women and other negative imagery.
Overall theme: "Love Your Neighbor"

Like the news anchor Charlene Aaron, Just Archie, also known as Archie "Van" Boone, is a powerful and creative youth advocate and educator. His music forms some of the background for the film. He believes in rap as an art form and a communication tool that can speak to the challenged youth in our cities. Archie is the founder of R.A.P Therapy and co-founder of The Shoutout Music Therapy Program. You can contact Archie Boone at itsjustarchie@yahoo.com and purchase music by A-rock and Just Archie at this link.

. . . they heard a more powerful call to do something
to support all "our" kids
and their communities.

Archie "Van" Boone is a one-man tour-de-force, positively and relentlessly influencing young lives and bettering his community. Charlene Aaron also stepped up because "we have to do something!" Because of their courage and willingness to act, people like Archie and Charlene are my Man-Making heroes. They are just like you, except maybe they heard a more powerful call to do something to support all "our" kids and their communities.

Blessings on Archie, Charlene, and all of the other heroes and sheroes who take action . . . and also blessings on those of you who will be inspired to "do something" in your community.

Re-invent
Re-think
Re-innovate
Re-imagine
Re-create
Re-UP!

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The Harmonica Man

At 71, Andy Mackie is another one of those guys on my heroes list. His life is a great story of how one man's passion can be transformed to positively influence hundreds of young people. Andy is a retired Scottish-born man who probably should have died long ago. But after facing death on more than one occasion owing to a bad heart, he decided to share his personal secret to happiness ... music.

As reported on CBS News Online last December, Andy is the Johnny Appleseed of harmonicas. As you'll see in the video, he's busy inspiring lots of young people to become interested in music. He does that by living out of a motor home and using the money he used to spend for heart medication to pay for harmonicas he gives to kids. He's been at it for 11 years, so far, and has given away 16,000 harmonicas!

If that generosity wasn't enough, Andy is now spending most of his Social Security check to hand craft what he calls Strumsticks. It's a kind of guitar that is easy to learn to play and the kids love it. As part of his ongoing legacy, Andy is even building his own mentoring program by training older kids to teach younger kids to play various instruments.

Andy is a beautiful Elder man, and I hope you find his example as inspirational and motivational as I do. If you would like to support Andy Mackie’s efforts to teach and share music with kids you can do so through the Andy Mackie Music Foundation. You could also just start sharing your gifts with some of the young people around you as Andy has done and see what happens!

If you know someone who should be included in my Man-Making heroes' gallery, please let me know. If the clip doesn't appear use this link.

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Boys Come Into The Room Poem

A couple of my heroes are Chris Frisco and Jon Leidel. They are part of a solid tribe of very good men associated with the Boys to Men Mentoring Network. I have written about the network here previously. It's an organization doing the very important work of supporting boys through a rite of passage experience and then engaging the new "Journeymen" graduates in a variety of mentoring activities after their passage weekends.

While hundreds of beautiful stories about men and boys have come out of this work, this poem, written by Chris and Jon, really captures the nature of the work. I hope it speaks to you also.

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Boys Come Into The Room

Boys come into the room. Mad boys, sad boys, anxious boys. Left on their own boys. Hordes of boys. Good boys. Lied to boys, "Don't trust a thing you say, man." boys come into the room. Boys who hate boys.

Boys who hate themselves come into the room. Medicated, sedated and berated boys. Marker sniffin, Weight liftin, alone driftin boys. Boys come into the room. I pod rockin, X-boxin like a toxin, "just one more level!", boys. Sh...aved heads, nappy dreads, fly threads, will kill you dead boys. Hungry for the wisdom of men boys, come into the room.

Boys come into the room. Boys that try to "man up" always tryin to one up.. Bacon eatin bully boys, beatin smarter bambi boys come into the room. Pimply boys. Squeaky boys. "Sure i've laid a girl" boys come into the room. Mommy lovin, tatoo wantin boys. "Boy that only a mother could love" boys come into the room. Street slangin, jean hangin, creature of the streets bangin boys come into the room.

Boys come into the room. Fidgety boys. Won't look you in the eye boys. "You don't know shit about me, man!" boys come into the room. Shoulders slumped, chin down frown wearin, under a boulder of neglect boys come into the room. No Father, why bother, "don't give a fuck about school" boys. Game havin, body slammin, lookin for love boys.

Boys that create, boys that destroy, boys that trade lunch for toys boys. Creative boys. Dreamin boys, schemin boys, slippin' through the seams boys, come into the room. Boys who want for nothin, longing for that special somethin from men, boys.

Boys come into the room. Wonder where the men gone boys. "Have you seen my father?" boys runnin with his home boys, come into the room. Scattered boys. Battered boys. "phatter than his weight," boys come into the room. Lugi in the lunchroom boys. Wizard cloaked, chicken choked "boys that want their fires stoked" boys come into the room. Startin to forget boys. Fresh wound bleedin, scar hidin, no denyin, world collidin boys come into the room. Thinkin bout dyin, boys?

Boys come into the room. Boys in juvi, wall taggin boys. Pot smokin, pill poppin, brawlin, crawlin, cryin, lyin boys come into the room. Full of fire, gettin higher, willin to aspire "If someone would only cut me a break!" boys come into the room. Baseball lovin, weak fist havin, killin their step fathers in their sleep boys. Boys who cant throw a strike, never been on a hike, "I cant get cell service out there, man." boys come into the room. rappin on the mic right boys. Boys with reasons to be madder than hell come into the room.

Boys will be boys - come into the room! Sword carryin, world conquerin, paradigm shiftin boys come into the room. Boys that speed, boys that bleed, boys that need come into the room. Pining boys, whining boys, shining boys, searching for a silver lining boys. Mistake makin, earth shakin, givin and takin boys come into the room. Boys with heart, boys who fart, boys who focus like a dart come into the room. Come into this room boys... a safe place to grieve, to believe, to wear your feelings on your sleeve. What will you need to leave to achieve, boys?

What do you have to offer these boys?

Chris Frisco and Jon Leidel

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You, Me, Us, and Ubuntu

Ubuntu is an ancient African word meaning humanity to others. Another beautiful interpretation, attributed to Archbishop Desmond Tutu goes, Ubuntu is not, “I think therefore I am.” It says rather: “I am a human because I belong. I participate. I share.” Or more literally, "I am because you are." 

Ubuntu speaks to the heart of our essential interdependence. It's about the power we have as a collection of common humanity, to care for and about each other. It's about what happens when we touch this sense of we-ness, and use it to change ourselves and lift others up. We express it by giving of ourselves, naturally, to the rest of our community for the common good.

Ubuntu is a notion in direct opposition to the ideas of fierce independence, selfishness, I don't need anyone's help, and especially, their problems have nothing to do with me and I shouldn't get involved. Bill Clinton once said about Ubuntu, ". . . the world is too small, our wisdom too limited, our time here too short, to waste any more of it in winning fleeting victories at other people's expense." He was suggesting we need each other way more than we realize.

Ubuntu shows up in people who dedicate their lives to fighting injustice against all odds, and in some large or small way, being relentless about making a difference in the lives of people who need help and support. I've profiled many of them in these posts, especially the men who unselfishly show up for other people's sons. I consider these men my heroes. In people who give of themselves to our communities in so many ways, Ubuntu seems to be an almost instinctual and selfless commitment to others.

It often happens in times of crisis when our connection to each other rises above all the things that separate and distance us from each other. It's the call that gets the neighbors together in a flood to rescue those who are trapped. It is what's working when strangers show up to help dig out someone whose home was just blown apart by a tornado. It's a force which, if we were inclined, could go a long way to help the homeless, the hungry, schools that desperately need community support, and the thousands of young males lost on their confusing journey to manhood who are waiting for a good man to show up as a friend and guide.
 
Check out the video below. It's one of many powerful demonstrations of Ubuntu the United States has seen in recent times. Then stop and consider what we could accomplish in our communities if we could elicit just a little more Ubuntu.

I am a human because I belong. I participate. I share.

I am because you are.

If the clip is not visible go to THIS LINK.

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An UN-Father's Day Message

This is a repeat of an older post describing what Father's Day means to me. It's all still true for me and it feels good to honor my father, father's, and fatherless boys in this way today. It is my intention to run this out every Father's Day.

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Fathers, for better and worse, are THE most powerful man-making force on the planet. In this dad season, good fathers are my heroes, and certainly deserve high praise and celebration. That said, here's another way to think about Father's day.

. . . that stew pot of memories
called "Dad" . . .

As the commercial messages about Father's Day bring fathers and fatherhood into sharp focus, for me that stew pot of memories called "Dad," with its very mixed bag of confusing emotions, gets seriously stirred up. From my childhood through adolescence, my dad was lost in his marriage, was sick, and in the throes of alcoholism. While there were some gifts from him, too often he treated me horribly and I've been finding my way back ever since. Even though I know my father was the best dad he was able to be, I'm left feeling the complicated remnants of rage, love, sadness, hopelessness, and a kind of father-hunger driven emptiness at my core.

After years of self-discovery work and digging around in my family history, I've been able to find some true expressions of my dad's fatherly love. Like water in the desert, I treasure those few positive memories. Taken together, they form a small shield I can use to protect myself on Father's Day. At this point in my life, I'm exhausted by both talking and not talking about my dad issues. But when the third Sunday of June approaches each year, for me it's an Un-Father's Day. I find myself looking forward to the relief on the day after Father's Day when it all goes underground again.

In this dad season, I'm also very much reminded of the many men, adolescent males, and young boys I've come across in my man-making work who don't have any good dad memories to use as a defense on Father's Day. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm reminded of of all the really bad dad stories I've heard shared across a circle by often sobbing guys.

I'm just saying,
I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I have heard from countless men, young men, and boys who have never known a dad because he simply wasn't identifiable, because they were adopted at birth, or because of a court ordered separation from their fathers. There are all the dads who left during pregnancy, or the dads who were shot in the hood from gang violence. Then there are all the kids whose dads are in jail, or lost to PTSD or substance abuse. I remember a soft-spoken boy of ten whose initiation name was Steel Heart. He was in the room when his dad killed himself with a shotgun blast to the head. I'm just saying, I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I always wonder if just the idea of Father's Day results in re-wounding these fatherless young males. I wonder if the day stirs up their deep, confusing, profound, and not very well-defended sense of abandonment and father-loss. For them and me, again this year, it will be very much an Un-Father's Day.

So on this Father's Day, if you have the good fortune to have a good dad to honor, count yourself as lucky, and don't miss a chance to say thank you. However imperfectly he fathered you, he was there and doing the best he could do. He deserves to be thanked and celebrated. Thanks Dad, I love you.

After honoring your father, please take a moment to allow into your heart all those tragically abandoned or under-fathered young guys in the world around you. The boys, young men, and men who won't feel those good-dad feelings on Father's Day. Remember that on Father's Day, and every other day of the year, these guys will experience a profound hunger for the blessings that can only come from having a caring father in your life. Remember all the boys and men who, maybe like me, are just hoping all this complicated emotional dad business will pass by soon, go back underground, and that life somehow will get back to a survivable normal on the day after Un-Father's Day.

. . . I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

On my Un-Father's Day card I'd write:

Today I honor good dads everywhere. Thanks you for all you have done and will do. Blessings also on the dads who in some way checked-out, who walked or were not available to their sons, and on the sad legacy they have to live with as a result. And especially, blessings on confused, sad, and dad-hungry males everywhere. Buried underneath all the drama and tragedy that kept you and your father apart, in my heart I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

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© Copyright 2005-2019 Earl Hipp. All Rights Reserved.
Sharing with attribution allowed. All other use requires permission.

Helping Potentially Lethal Young Men

I often speak about severely under-male-nourished young men who are lost, imprisoned, or even dying for lack of adult male blessing and guidance. Very often, these are young males who have nothing positive to say about a father or adult man. I'm talking ZERO positive connection to good men and often lots of damage from a bad dad or the other men who are in their lives. The result is an emotionally damaged kid full of anger and teen bravado. The mask of, "I'm fine and I don't need anybody" is hard set on these guys, and they can put the whole community in danger.

Because of their predictable deficits, these young men are at high risk for making very bad life choices. But IF a man or group of men can connect with them while being very patient and working gently, many young men can have their life's trajectory altered and many can be saved. It often takes a long time to connect with these guys and a lot of courage on the part of these young men to risk trusting men again.

So I was not surprised when one of you sent along this great article from Mother Jones describing how a combination of mentoring by good men and cash incentives are being combined to reduce violence and homicides in Richmond, California. The article states in 2007 Richmond, "had the dubious distinction of being the ninth most dangerous in America." They had 47 homicides that year which meant in some places, gunfire was almost a daily event. Research into those numbers in 2009 revealed a rather surprising fact: "An estimated 70 percent of shootings and homicides in Richmond in 2009 were caused by just a few individuals . . . between the ages of 16 and 25." With the city's "potentially most lethal young men" identified, in combinations with other interventions, they set up Operation Peacemaker Fellowship (OPF), now known nationally as "the Richmond Model.”

The most innovative aspect of Operation Peacemaker Fellowship was the bait. The deal was if the young men, called Fellows, maintained their program commitment for six months — attending meetings, staying out of trouble, and connecting with their mentors, they became eligible to earn up to $1,000 a month for a maximum of nine months and to go on big trips to see the world. With gun violence in the U.S. costing an estimated $229 billion dollars a year, the average cost to taxpayers of every gun homicide in America is nearly $400,000. With only about half the Operation Peacemaker Fellowship participants getting payments at all (usually in the $300 to $700 range) meant the cost of the initiative was a bargain given the results.

As a result of OPF and its other initiatives, by 2014 Richmond recorded a 76 percent reduction in homicides and a 69 percent reduction in firearm assaults from the 2007 data. That's the lowest number of firearm assaults and homicides in their community in more than four decades. Of the 68 OPF Fellows who participated over the past 43 month period: 65 are alive (95%); 64 have not been injured by firearm (94%); and 57 (84%) have not been involved in any gun activity. These are huge victories given the scope and scale of the challenge!

. . . the benefits of connecting with these young guys
are much bigger than just fewer shootings.

The OPF men doing the mentoring are called Neighborhood Change Agents, and together they now work with about 150 young guys a year. While saving lives and reducing gang activity is impressive, they've learned the benefits of connecting with these young guys are much bigger than just fewer shootings. Many of the "potentially most lethal" young men in the OFP program are now in school or in jobs. These young men are doing more parenting, less drug use, and causing less violence in general. They have moved on from predictable criminal dead ends to involvement in programs that have changed the trajectory of their lives and are improving their neighborhoods in the process.

Check out this video from Richmond TV station KCBS for more of the story!
"They have to be willing to get on a plane with someone who is trying to kill you!"

The good men of Operation Peacemaker Fellowship are my heroes working on the front lines of the struggle to reclaim our lost boys and our communities. We need to honor them and learn from their experience. But to be very clear, ALL young men, even those with great families and engaged fathers, can use the objectivity and support of solid adult men. If teen males of any background can find their way to a place where there is support from good men, they will gradually open up and let you see the truth behind the mask they wear (and they all do). In those circles you can actually witness the effect of the group support, good information, personal feedback, and the positive attention working on them. You can watch as they become more confident, smile more often, and, most importantly, make better life choices.

That is what's at the heart of man-making!

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Working on the Man-Making Front Lines

What follows is an exchange of emails between myself and a man named Richard Cole-Garner. He is working with high risk young people at an organization named The CYDS Project (Community Youth Development Service), in the United Kingdom. Richard talks about getting down at times under the onslaught of problems and challenges facing the kids he serves.

If you know someone in this work, please support them. If you can find a way to actually be involved, in even the most minimal ways with the young people they serve, the positive returns for all the males involved will be wonderful.

After you read this exchange, tell me what YOU would say to men like Richard? If you'd like, you can send Richard a note of encouragement!

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Hello Earl,

I work as part of a local young person's project supporting mainly 13-19 year old kids from mostly difficult, deprived backgrounds. Usually, this involves negotiating the treacherous paths of alcohol and drug abuse, and the dangers of underage sex. So basically, we provide advice, guidance, counseling-if wanted, or just somewhere they're welcomed and approved that they can hang out.

The boys especially seem to be missing some vital ingredient. Some combination of challenge, wholesomeness, ancient wisdom, and structure . . . these are all descriptive words that come to mind. I need to find a way to engage their intense energies within the context of their lives in a way that engages them physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Thank you for the wonderful contribution of the Man-Making book Earl.

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Greetings Richard and thanks for your kind words.

Your work with young people makes you one of my heroes. I do understand how powerless it can feel when faced with what I call the "epidemic of under-male-nourished boys." You really are one of the battlefield medics, doing what you can. I both honor your work and have compassion for you around the pain and dysfunction you must see everyday.

I also understand what you mean when you talk about the absence of something for these boys. I think it's a clear and positive path toward manhood that's missing. That and caring men like you to be there for them. Men willing to intentionally set them on and support their journey toward a positive manhood. Those resources would help fill in some of that, "vital missing ingredient" you're referring to.

I believe this is not, however, a lost boy problem, but a lost men problem. Filling in those missing pieces for boy is "men's work." Sadly, men are absent this work in droves and the consequence is lost and confused boys.

Please don't ever underestimate the importance of your involvement, with the actions you describe of, ... "supporting," "advising," welcoming, and approval. Those are powerful tools and while maybe not "enough" to make the critical difference, you must trust you are having positive impact. In the lonely, adult male-deficient world these boys inhabit, I'm sure you're a total ray of sunshine.

If you could gather a core group of men to work with your boys . . . some form of regular and on-going involvement, you could increase your positive impact, maybe even save some lives. The secret of this work is that the volunteer adult men get completion . . . healing of some their unfinished adolescent pain. Men also get a better understanding of both the rightness and importance of this important men's work. But for that to happen for men, some form of involvement needs to take place. I do know how hard that can be to organize, get money, approvals, etc. But one passionate and motivated man, like yourself, speaking up, might possibly make something amazing happen for the young males in your care.

That is my wish for you, and know that I'm happy to support you in that work any way I can.

Blessings on your caring and efforts,

Earl

An UN-Father's Day Message

This is a repeat of an older post describing what Father's Day means to me. It's all still true for me and it feels good to honor my father, father's, and fatherless boys in this way today. It is my intention to run this out every Father's Day.

---

Fathers, for better and worse, are THE most powerful man-making force on the planet. In this dad season, good fathers are my heroes, and certainly deserve high praise and celebration. That said, here's another way to think about Father's day.

. . . that stew pot of memories
called "Dad" . . .

As the commercial messages about Father's Day bring fathers and fatherhood into sharp focus, for me that stew pot of memories called "Dad," with its very mixed bag of confusing emotions, gets seriously stirred up. From my childhood through adolescence, my dad was lost in his marriage, was sick, and in the throes of alcoholism. While there were some gifts from him, too often he treated me horribly and I've been finding my way back ever since. Even though I know my father was the best dad he was able to be, I'm left feeling the complicated remnants of rage, love, sadness, hopelessness, and a kind of father-hunger driven emptiness at my core.

After years of self-discovery work and digging around in my family history, I've been able to find some true expressions of my dad's fatherly love. Like water in the desert, I treasure those few positive memories. Taken together, they form a small shield I can use to protect myself on Father's Day. At this point in my life, I'm exhausted by both talking and not talking about my dad issues. But when the third Sunday of June approaches each year, for me it's an Un-Father's Day. I find myself looking forward to the relief on the day after Father's Day when it all goes underground again.

In this dad season, I'm also very much reminded of the many men, adolescent males, and young boys I've come across in my man-making work who don't have any good dad memories to use as a defense on Father's Day. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm reminded of of all the really bad dad stories I've heard shared across a circle by often sobbing guys.

I'm just saying,
I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I have heard from countless men, young men, and boys who have never known a dad because he simply wasn't identifiable, because they were adopted at birth, or because of a court ordered separation from their fathers. There are all the dads who left during pregnancy, or the dads who were shot in the hood from gang violence. Then there are all the kids whose dads are in jail, or lost to PTSD or substance abuse. I remember a soft-spoken boy of ten whose initiation name was Steel Heart. He was in the room when his dad killed himself with a shotgun blast to the head. I'm just saying, I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I always wonder if just the idea of Father's Day results in re-wounding these fatherless young males. I wonder if the day stirs up their deep, confusing, profound, and not very well-defended sense of abandonment and father-loss. For them and me, again this year, it will be very much an Un-Father's Day.

So on this Father's Day, if you have the good fortune to have a good dad to honor, count yourself as lucky, and don't miss a chance to say thank you. However imperfectly he fathered you, he was there and doing the best he could do. He deserves to be thanked and celebrated. Thanks Dad, I love you.

After honoring your father, please take a moment to allow into your heart all those tragically abandoned or under-fathered young guys in the world around you. The boys, young men, and men who won't feel those good-dad feelings on Father's Day. Remember that on Father's Day, and every other day of the year, these guys will experience a profound hunger for the blessings that can only come from having a caring father in your life. Remember all the boys and men who, maybe like me, are just hoping all this complicated emotional dad business will pass by soon, go back underground, and that life somehow will get back to a survivable normal on the day after Un-Father's Day.

. . . I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

On my Un-Father's Day card I'd write:

Today I honor good dads everywhere. Thanks you for all you have done and will do. Blessings also on the dads who in some way checked-out, who walked or were not available to their sons, and on the sad legacy they have to live with as a result. And especially, blessings on confused, sad, and dad-hungry males everywhere. Buried underneath all the drama and tragedy that kept you and your father apart, in my heart I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

---

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)

CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

TWEET: Send this post along to your friends or follow me on Twitter!

Tweet      Follow @earlh

© Copyright 2005-2018 Earl Hipp. All Rights Reserved.
Sharing with attribution allowed. All other use requires permission.

Amazing Tales for Making Men Out of Boys

Charley M., a subscriber, sent along this lead for a book that sounds pretty on track for aspiring makers of men. The title is Amazing Tales for Making Men Out of Boys by Neil Oliver.

The promotional copy promises the book is filled with stories of heroism, exploration, and sacrifice that will inspire boys to be courageous, honorable and open to adventure. Sounds like a good idea and a noble gesture in a world where so many young males are looking for a vision of manhood worth clinging to.

The promotional clip (below) however makes me a little nervous, because it’s full of testosterone and challenging messages for my current sensibilities. It seems glorify being an “old fashioned manly man,” and holds up yesterdays “real men.”

I have to admit, do rather like the way he suggests that old vision of manhood has been “ridiculed, eroded, and discouraged.” There does seem to be a loss in there somewhere that rings true with my own masculine quest. There is even something I like in his call to bring back something “wild” and noble in men. And I really like the notion of hearing stories that remind us what “men are for” and “what men can do.”

As a boy, I do remember sitting around the men’s table at family reunions and on holidays, listening to the men tell stories about the old days, “the war,” challenges they faced, and sometimes, the losses they experienced. Unless the young guys in your life have a male tribe that lets them sit around the edges and listen, maybe a book like this can help fill that hunger.

If Amazing Tales is filled with the “heroic tales” about good and noble men as he promises, those that “demonstrate the qualities you’d want in your heroes,” and there is not too much preaching, I might even buy the book. If you have read this book, please post a short review.

It just might be a book a lot of males should read!

Use this link if the clip doesn't show.