Boys, Men, Horses and Heroes

It has to be scary for a young man raised in the streets of a city, to encounter something so big and otherworldly as a horse! I guess that's the point! It's the reason the men of the Boys To Men of Memphis Mentoring Program in Memphis, Tennessee, are using horses to teach boys important lessons about dealing with your fears, caring for others, being responsible, and much, much more.

The picture below shows some of the young guys grooming a horse. It was taken from a video by a local Memphis TV station, that describes the very good work these folks are doing with and for boys. To see the full video, use this link.

The news station was so impressed with what they learned in taping this segment, that the station, along with a local church, donated $1000 to the Boys to Men of Memphis Mentoring Program. Nice!

This is just another example of how a few people, who really understand the need to guide young men on their journey toward a positive manhood can step up. I'm proud of them and am adding them to my growing list of heroes and sheroes in this work. Use this link if you want to learn about other heroes I've written about in the past.

If you want to learn more about this group, and perhaps be inspired to take an interest of yours and grow it into working with young men, you can contact them at Boys to Men of Memphis Mentoring Program, 1596 Barton Street, Memphis, TN 38106 or call (901) 810-1123

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© Copyright 2005-2022 Earl Hipp. All Rights Reserved.
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Gentlemen Quarters Barbershop Academy

Derick Cagle was a sharp barber who paid attention to his surroundings. At a back-to-school event where he was cutting hair, he listened to the young men waiting their turn who were messing with each other. Teasing and taunting about their girls, sports, drug deals, being cool, and lots of other smack talk. In the middle of all that commotion, an older man got everyone's attention when he chimed in with his story about someone he'd shot and the price he has paid ever since. That mentoring moment was a huge wake up call for Derick, and the beginning of what's since become the Gentlemen Quarters Barbershop Academy.

In this story in the North Carolina News, I learned about how the GQ Barbershop Academy "organizes events for teens between the ages of 13-18 that includes free haircuts and free mentoring." It's one great tale about how fatherless and other boys connect with men from their community and get the male guidance and caring they so often need.

Here's what one single mom said about Mr. Cagle: "Passion really fuels him and he’s from the Durham community and knows exactly what takes place here,” she says. "This couples with his love for building up young men." I love these stories about what one motivated man can create if he finds the courage to step up.

"...you don't have to wait till violence hits in your family
or neighborhood to step up into action."

Cagle has personal reasons to be in the mentoring game. His nephew was killed just prior to his 21st birthday. That and other violence in his community, often close to home, was the call to action he heard. But you don't have to wait till violence hits in your family or neighborhood to step up into action.

Derick's instructor at Harris Barber College was a man named Tobias McLean. Mr. McLean turned out to be a powerful mentor in Derick's life. One of the important lessons he got from this man was, “You can’t be in this community and not be part of this community.” Derick Cagle, is cutting hair, but is also in the business of helping young guys and maybe saving lives too. He's a gift to his community and one of my heroes.

To learn more about the GQ Barbershop Academy, check out their website, or give them a shout at 919-816-2335.

If you know of other men like Derick, let me know. I'd like to share those stories. It's clear the world needs men like him as role models, and the boys need those men now more than ever.

---

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© Copyright 2005-2021 Earl Hipp. All Rights Reserved.
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For the Love of Basketball

This is another of my collection of "heroes" posts. Or, as I like to call them, "What One Man Can Do" stories. We are all regularly confronted with stories in the news about wild young guys doing foolish things, often with tragic consequences for themselves, their peers, and their community. Your community! Who among us has not at least thought, "Someone should do something about those boys!" The heroes I write about in these posts are the men who step up and act. Mario Lamarre is one of those men.

Mario Lamarre

Mario is the founder of Hoop Alliance Mentoring. It's a program built to connect coaches, mentors, and prospective basketball players in Brockton, Massachusetts. It is also a powerful mentoring program that teaches critical life lessons and gives young men a safe haven, all through the love of basketball.

. . . critical life lessons
all through the love of basketball.

According to a recent story in the Brockton Enterprise, it all began 7 years ago when Mario emptied his savings account to get the program started. He set up the program at the Boys & Girls Club in Brockton where he worked. This past August, the Hoop Alliance Mentoring basketball tournament was hosted by Brockton High School, in a beautiful gym, complete with fans in the bleachers.

Hoop Alliance Mentoring has grown over the years, and now serves over one hundred students. The students are divided into six teams, with ten members each, and two co-coaches. The remaining forty kids are "playing for fun," and I suspect, hoping for a shot at getting on a team. The teams meet on Mondays for one-on-one mentoring and practice, and then on either Tuesdays or Thursdays they have games. 

The teams are sponsored by local business which ups the community involvement. The young men are surrounded by older men and program graduates who function as coaches and community mentors for the young guys. The mentors' primary purpose is to encourage the players to become better athletes and help them build outstanding character. Mario hopes to soon add a girls' division, and set up an official nonprofit organization. You can read more about Hoop Alliance Mentoring in The Brockton Enterprise article.

In the tournament, the red team defeated the orange team, 68-57. But really they are all on the same team and they are all equally victorious! 

Mario Lamarre is just one man who decided to act and do something for the young guys around him. It took time and determination to keep his dream alive. The result is that he has positively influenced the lives of countless young men, and positively impacted families and his community in the process.

Mario Lamarre is my hero for sure . . . but maybe you could be too. 

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Un-Father's Day

This is a repeat of an older post describing what Father's Day means to me. It's all still true for me and it feels good to honor my father, father's, and fatherless boys in this way today. It is my intention to run this out every Father's Day.

---

Fathers, for better and worse, are THE most powerful man-making force on the planet. In this dad season, good fathers are my heroes, and certainly deserve high praise and celebration. That said, here's another way to think about Father's day.

 

. . . that stew pot of memories
called "Dad" . . .

As the commercial messages about Father's Day bring fathers and fatherhood into sharp focus, for me that stew pot of memories called "Dad," with its very mixed bag of confusing emotions, gets seriously stirred up. From my childhood through adolescence, my dad was lost in his marriage, was sick, and in the throes of alcoholism. While there were some gifts from him, too often he treated me horribly and I've been finding my way back ever since. Even though I know my father was the best dad he was able to be, I'm left feeling the complicated remnants of rage, love, sadness, hopelessness, and a kind of father-hunger driven emptiness at my core.

After years of self-discovery work and digging around in my family history, I've been able to find some true expressions of my dad's fatherly love. Like water in the desert, I treasure those few positive memories. Taken together, they form a small shield I can use to protect myself on Father's Day. At this point in my life, I'm exhausted by both talking and not talking about my dad issues. But when the third Sunday of June approaches each year, for me it's an Un-Father's Day. I find myself looking forward to the relief on the day after Father's Day when it all goes underground again.

In this dad season, I'm also very much reminded of the many men, adolescent males, and young boys I've come across in my man-making work who don't have any good dad memories to use as a defense on Father's Day. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm reminded of of all the really bad dad stories I've heard shared across a circle by often sobbing guys.

I'm just saying,
I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I have heard from countless men, young men, and boys who have never known a dad because he simply wasn't identifiable, because they were adopted at birth, or because of a court ordered separation from their fathers. There are all the dads who left during pregnancy, or the dads who were shot in the hood from gang violence. Then there are all the kids whose dads are in jail, or lost to PTSD or substance abuse. I remember a soft-spoken boy of ten whose initiation name was Steel Heart. He was in the room when his dad killed himself with a shotgun blast to the head. I'm just saying, I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I always wonder if just the idea of Father's Day results in re-wounding these fatherless young males. I wonder if the day stirs up their deep, confusing, profound, and not very well-defended sense of abandonment and father-loss. For them and me, again this year, it will be very much an Un-Father's Day.

So on this Father's Day, if you have the good fortune to have a good dad to honor, count yourself as lucky, and don't miss a chance to say thank you. However imperfectly he fathered you, he was there and doing the best he could do. He deserves to be thanked and celebrated. Thanks Dad, I love you.

After honoring your father, please take a moment to allow into your heart all those tragically abandoned or under-fathered young guys in the world around you. The boys, young men, and men who won't feel those good-dad feelings on Father's Day. Remember that on Father's Day, and every other day of the year, these guys will experience a profound hunger for the blessings that can only come from having a caring father in your life. Remember all the boys and men who, maybe like me, are just hoping all this complicated emotional dad business will pass by soon, go back underground, and that life somehow will get back to a survivable normal on the day after Un-Father's Day.

. . . I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

On my Un-Father's Day card I'd write:

Today I honor good dads everywhere. Thanks you for all you have done and will do. Blessings also on the dads who in some way checked-out, who walked or were not available to their sons, and on the sad legacy they have to live with as a result. And especially, blessings on confused, sad, and dad-hungry males everywhere. Buried underneath all the drama and tragedy that kept you and your father apart, in my heart I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

---

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© Copyright 2005-2021 Earl Hipp. All Rights Reserved.
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An UN-Father's Day Message

This is a repeat of an older post describing what Father's Day means to me. It's all still true for me and it feels good to honor my father, father's, and fatherless boys in this way today. It is my intention to run this out every Father's Day.

---

Fathers, for better and worse, are THE most powerful man-making force on the planet. In this dad season, good fathers are my heroes, and certainly deserve high praise and celebration. That said, here's another way to think about Father's day.

. . . that stew pot of memories
called "Dad" . . .

As the commercial messages about Father's Day bring fathers and fatherhood into sharp focus, for me that stew pot of memories called "Dad," with its very mixed bag of confusing emotions, gets seriously stirred up. From my childhood through adolescence, my dad was lost in his marriage, was sick, and in the throes of alcoholism. While there were some gifts from him, too often he treated me horribly and I've been finding my way back ever since. Even though I know my father was the best dad he was able to be, I'm left feeling the complicated remnants of rage, love, sadness, hopelessness, and a kind of father-hunger driven emptiness at my core.

After years of self-discovery work and digging around in my family history, I've been able to find some true expressions of my dad's fatherly love. Like water in the desert, I treasure those few positive memories. Taken together, they form a small shield I can use to protect myself on Father's Day. At this point in my life, I'm exhausted by both talking and not talking about my dad issues. But when the third Sunday of June approaches each year, for me it's an Un-Father's Day. I find myself looking forward to the relief on the day after Father's Day when it all goes underground again.

In this dad season, I'm also very much reminded of the many men, adolescent males, and young boys I've come across in my man-making work who don't have any good dad memories to use as a defense on Father's Day. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm reminded of of all the really bad dad stories I've heard shared across a circle by often sobbing guys.

I'm just saying,
I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I have heard from countless men, young men, and boys who have never known a dad because he simply wasn't identifiable, because they were adopted at birth, or because of a court ordered separation from their fathers. There are all the dads who left during pregnancy, or the dads who were shot in the hood from gang violence. Then there are all the kids whose dads are in jail, or lost to PTSD or substance abuse. I remember a soft-spoken boy of ten whose initiation name was Steel Heart. He was in the room when his dad killed himself with a shotgun blast to the head. I'm just saying, I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I always wonder if just the idea of Father's Day results in re-wounding these fatherless young males. I wonder if the day stirs up their deep, confusing, profound, and not very well-defended sense of abandonment and father-loss. For them and me, again this year, it will be very much an Un-Father's Day.

So on this Father's Day, if you have the good fortune to have a good dad to honor, count yourself as lucky, and don't miss a chance to say thank you. However imperfectly he fathered you, he was there and doing the best he could do. He deserves to be thanked and celebrated. Thanks Dad, I love you.

After honoring your father, please take a moment to allow into your heart all those tragically abandoned or under-fathered young guys in the world around you. The boys, young men, and men who won't feel those good-dad feelings on Father's Day. Remember that on Father's Day, and every other day of the year, these guys will experience a profound hunger for the blessings that can only come from having a caring father in your life. Remember all the boys and men who, maybe like me, are just hoping all this complicated emotional dad business will pass by soon, go back underground, and that life somehow will get back to a survivable normal on the day after Un-Father's Day.

. . . I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

On my Un-Father's Day card I'd write:

Today I honor good dads everywhere. Thanks you for all you have done and will do. Blessings also on the dads who in some way checked-out, who walked or were not available to their sons, and on the sad legacy they have to live with as a result. And especially, blessings on confused, sad, and dad-hungry males everywhere. Buried underneath all the drama and tragedy that kept you and your father apart, in my heart I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

---

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)

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© Copyright 2005-2019 Earl Hipp. All Rights Reserved.
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Man-Making Heroes - Bringing Love to School

He's going to any lengths to keep kids safe.

In the clip below, listen to one of my heroes, Akbar Cook, the principal of West Side High School in Newark, New Jersey. He says, "Let's put some loving people in the building...." If he is right, and this is, "...the new norm for education...," we all have a place in his vision and some work to do.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

Oh yeah, as it turns out, the famous Oprah heard about the Lights on Program and donated a half-million dollars to Newark's West Side High School!

"Let's put some loving people in the building..."

We all can't be Oprah, but what small thing can you do to support "our" kids?

Thanks to another of my heroes, Joe Sigurdson of the Boys to Men Mentoring Network in San Diego for his example and this inspiration.

---

CONTACT EARL: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm also available to help you bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

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Learning to Take a Stand for Others

I've posted here previously about Father Greg Boyle, because without knowing him, I love him. He is simply one of my heroes in the work of standing for others who need and deserve our attention and support. I love his message describing his incredible work with gang members through his organization, Homeboy Industries. His message of compassion and acceptance is always able to touch my heart, and inspires me to action.

See what this short clip taken from his talk at a Pepperdine University commencement event does for and to you?

If this clip doesn't show up use this link for the full version.

---

CONTACT EARL: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm also available to help you bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

FACEBOOK SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)

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© Copyright 2005-2019 Earl Hipp. All Rights Reserved.
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Fishin' with a Mission

Sometimes the efforts of one extremely motivated man can do so much good for kids in his community. This is the case with my brother in mission, Mustafa Mahdi. I've watched this man be relentless over the years in finding ways he and a few other men can be a positive force in the lives of young men around them. Nothing fancy, no big budget, just little by little, he keeps showing up. And guess what happens? The boys come, hungry for the blessings of male attention and the fun.

Mustafa's tools are a chess board and a fishing pole. He serves youth and families in metro Atlanta, as well as Fulton and Clayton counties. He calls his two programs, "The SMART MOVES Chess Club," and "Fishin' with a Mission to Save Our Sons." Here's a link to a Man-Making Blog post on the chess club that I did in 2009! There is zero cost to the young people involved in any of Mustafa's programs. Everything, including Mustafa's time, is either donated or paid for out of Mustafa's pocket.

"Someone should do something
about those kids!"

Baba Mustafa is one of my heroes in the work of man-making, and he's been at it a long time. To be sure, he's a great role model for the kids he supports. He's also a powerful role model those of us who, after watching yet another tragic boy story on the evening news, have said to themselves, "Someone should do something about those kids!"

Mustafa Selfie at Chess Club

To learn more about this good man and his work, check out this Facebook page. It's where he's holding a little fundraiser to try to collect $2000 for snacks, chess boards and pieces, fishing rods, reels, and bait. While you're there, honor him for his commitment and efforts. You may also want to slip him a $5 or a $20. I did because Mustafa and men like him so deserves our support.

Thank you, Baba Mustafa! 

You are a gift to your community and the world.

---

CONTACT EARL: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm also available to help you bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

FACEBOOK SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)

TWEET: Send this post along to your friends or follow me on Twitter!

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SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email a few times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

© Copyright 2005-2018 Earl Hipp. All Rights Reserved.
Sharing with attribution allowed. All other use require permission.

An UN-Father's Day Message

This is a repeat of an older post describing what Father's Day means to me. It's all still true for me and it feels good to honor my father, father's, and fatherless boys in this way today. It is my intention to run this out every Father's Day.

---

Fathers, for better and worse, are THE most powerful man-making force on the planet. In this dad season, good fathers are my heroes, and certainly deserve high praise and celebration. That said, here's another way to think about Father's day.

. . . that stew pot of memories
called "Dad" . . .

As the commercial messages about Father's Day bring fathers and fatherhood into sharp focus, for me that stew pot of memories called "Dad," with its very mixed bag of confusing emotions, gets seriously stirred up. From my childhood through adolescence, my dad was lost in his marriage, was sick, and in the throes of alcoholism. While there were some gifts from him, too often he treated me horribly and I've been finding my way back ever since. Even though I know my father was the best dad he was able to be, I'm left feeling the complicated remnants of rage, love, sadness, hopelessness, and a kind of father-hunger driven emptiness at my core.

After years of self-discovery work and digging around in my family history, I've been able to find some true expressions of my dad's fatherly love. Like water in the desert, I treasure those few positive memories. Taken together, they form a small shield I can use to protect myself on Father's Day. At this point in my life, I'm exhausted by both talking and not talking about my dad issues. But when the third Sunday of June approaches each year, for me it's an Un-Father's Day. I find myself looking forward to the relief on the day after Father's Day when it all goes underground again.

In this dad season, I'm also very much reminded of the many men, adolescent males, and young boys I've come across in my man-making work who don't have any good dad memories to use as a defense on Father's Day. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm reminded of of all the really bad dad stories I've heard shared across a circle by often sobbing guys.

I'm just saying,
I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I have heard from countless men, young men, and boys who have never known a dad because he simply wasn't identifiable, because they were adopted at birth, or because of a court ordered separation from their fathers. There are all the dads who left during pregnancy, or the dads who were shot in the hood from gang violence. Then there are all the kids whose dads are in jail, or lost to PTSD or substance abuse. I remember a soft-spoken boy of ten whose initiation name was Steel Heart. He was in the room when his dad killed himself with a shotgun blast to the head. I'm just saying, I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I always wonder if just the idea of Father's Day results in re-wounding these fatherless young males. I wonder if the day stirs up their deep, confusing, profound, and not very well-defended sense of abandonment and father-loss. For them and me, again this year, it will be very much an Un-Father's Day.

So on this Father's Day, if you have the good fortune to have a good dad to honor, count yourself as lucky, and don't miss a chance to say thank you. However imperfectly he fathered you, he was there and doing the best he could do. He deserves to be thanked and celebrated. Thanks Dad, I love you.

After honoring your father, please take a moment to allow into your heart all those tragically abandoned or under-fathered young guys in the world around you. The boys, young men, and men who won't feel those good-dad feelings on Father's Day. Remember that on Father's Day, and every other day of the year, these guys will experience a profound hunger for the blessings that can only come from having a caring father in your life. Remember all the boys and men who, maybe like me, are just hoping all this complicated emotional dad business will pass by soon, go back underground, and that life somehow will get back to a survivable normal on the day after Un-Father's Day.

. . . I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

On my Un-Father's Day card I'd write:

Today I honor good dads everywhere. Thanks you for all you have done and will do. Blessings also on the dads who in some way checked-out, who walked or were not available to their sons, and on the sad legacy they have to live with as a result. And especially, blessings on confused, sad, and dad-hungry males everywhere. Buried underneath all the drama and tragedy that kept you and your father apart, in my heart I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

---

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)

CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

TWEET: Send this post along to your friends or follow me on Twitter!

Tweet      Follow @earlh

© Copyright 2005-2018 Earl Hipp. All Rights Reserved.
Sharing with attribution allowed. All other use requires permission.

An UN-Father's Day Message

(This is a re-post of a previous blog post describing what Father's Day means to me. It is all still true for me and it feels good to honor my father, father's, and fatherless boys in this way today.)

Fathers, for better and worse, are THE most powerful man-making force on the planet. In this dad season, good fathers are my heroes, and certainly deserve high praise and celebration. That said, here's another way to think about Father's day.

. . . that stew pot of memories
called "Dad" . . .

As the commercial messages about Father's Day bring fathers and fatherhood into sharp focus, for me that stew pot of memories called "Dad," with its very mixed bag of confusing emotions, gets seriously stirred up. From my childhood through adolescence, my dad was lost in his marriage, was sick, and in the throes of alcoholism. While there were some gifts from him, too often he treated me horribly and I've been finding my way back ever since. Even though I know my father was the best dad he was able to be, I'm left feeling the complicated remnants of rage, love, sadness, hopelessness, and a kind of father-hunger driven emptiness at my core.

After years of self-discovery work and digging around in my family history, I've been able to find some true expressions of my dad's fatherly love. Like water in the desert, I treasure those few positive memories. Taken together, they form a small shield I can use to protect myself on Father's Day. At this point in my life, I'm exhausted by both talking and not talking about my dad issues. But when the third Sunday of June approaches each year, for me it's an Un-Father's Day. I find myself looking forward to the relief on the day after Father's Day when it all goes underground again.

In this dad season, I'm also very much reminded of the many men, adolescent males, and young boys I've come across in my man-making work who don't have any good dad memories at all to use as a defense on Father's Day. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I think of all the really bad dad stories shared across a circle by sobbing guys.

I'm just saying,
I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I have heard from countless men, young men, and boys who have never known a dad because he simply wasn't identifiable, because they were adopted at birth, or because of a court ordered separation from their fathers. There are all the dads who left during pregnancy, or the dads who were shot in the hood from gang violence. Then there are all the kids whose dads are in jail, or lost to PTSD or substance abuse. I remember a soft-spoken boy of ten whose initiation name was Steel Heart. He was in the room when his dad killed himself with a shotgun blast to the head. I'm just saying, I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I always wonder if just the idea of Father's Day results in re-wounding these fatherless males. I wonder if the day stirs up their deep, confusing, profound, and very well-defended sense of abandonment and father-loss. For them and me, again this year, it will be very much an Un-Father's Day.

So on this Father's Day, if you have the good fortune to have a good dad to honor, count yourself as lucky, and don't miss a chance to say thank you. However imperfectly he fathered you, he was there and doing the best he could do. He deserves to be thanked and celebrated. Thanks Dad, I love you.

After honoring your father, please take a moment to allow into your heart all those tragically abandoned or under-fathered young guys in the world around you. The boys, young men, and men who won't feel those good-dad feelings on Father's Day. Remember that on Father's Day, and every other day of the year, these guys will experience a profound hunger for the blessings that can only come from having a caring father in your life. Remember all the boys and men who, maybe like me, are just hoping all this complicated emotional dad business will pass by soon, go back underground, and that life somehow will get back to a survivable normal on the day after Un-Father's Day.

. . . I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

On my Un-Father's Day card I'd write:

Today I honor good dads everywhere. Thanks you for all you have done and will do. Blessings also on the dads who in some way checked-out, who walked or were not available to their sons, and on the sad legacy they have to live with as a result. And especially, blessings on confused, sad, and dad-hungry males everywhere. Buried underneath all the drama and tragedy that kept you and your father apart, in my heart I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

---

SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)

CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

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An UN-Father's Day Message

Fathers, for better and worse, are THE most powerful man-making force on the planet. In this dad season, good fathers are my heroes, and certainly deserve high praise and celebration. That said, here's another way to think about Father's day.

. . . that stew pot of memories
called "Dad" . . .

As the commercial messages about Father's Day bring fathers and fatherhood into sharp focus, for me that stew pot of memories called "Dad," with its very mixed bag of confusing emotions, gets seriously stirred up. From my childhood through adolescence, my dad was lost in his marriage, was sick, and in the throes of alcoholism. While there were some gifts from him, too often he treated me horribly and I've been finding my way back ever since. Even though I know my father was the best dad he was able to be, I'm left feeling the complicated remnants of rage, love, sadness, hopelessness, and a kind of father-hunger driven emptiness at my core.

After years of self-discovery work and digging around in my family history, I've been able to find some true expressions of my dad's fatherly love. Like water in the desert, I treasure those few positive memories. Taken together, they form a small shield I can use to protect myself on Father's Day. At this point in my life, I'm exhausted by both talking and not talking about my dad issues. But when the third Sunday of June approaches each year, for me it's an Un-Father's Day. I find myself looking forward to the relief on the day after Father's Day when it all goes underground again.

In this dad season, I'm also very much reminded of the many men, adolescent males, and young boys I've come across in my man-making work who don't have any good dad memories at all to use as a defense on Father's Day. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I think of all the really bad dad stories shared across a circle by sobbing guys.

I'm just saying,
I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I have heard from countless men, young men, and boys who have never known a dad because he simply wasn't identifiable, because they were adopted at birth, or because of a court ordered separation from their fathers. There are all the dads who left during pregnancy, or the dads who were shot in the hood from gang violence. Then there are all the kids whose dads are in jail, or lost to PTSD or substance abuse. I remember a soft-spoken boy of ten whose initiation name was Steel Heart. He was in the room when his dad killed himself with a shotgun blast to the head. I'm just saying, I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I always wonder if just the idea of Father's Day results in re-wounding these fatherless males. I wonder if the day stirs up their deep, confusing, profound, and very well-defended sense of abandonment and father-loss. For them and me, again this year, it will be very much an Un-Father's Day.

So on this Father's Day, if you have the good fortune to have a good dad to honor, count yourself as lucky, and don't miss a chance to say thank you. However imperfectly he fathered you, he was there and doing the best he could do. He deserves to be thanked and celebrated. Thanks Dad, I love you.

After honoring your father, please take a moment to allow into your heart all those tragically abandoned or under-fathered young guys in the world around you. The boys, young men, and men who won't feel those good-dad feelings on Father's Day. Remember that on Father's Day, and every other day of the year, these guys will experience a profound hunger for the blessings that can only come from having a caring father in your life. Remember all the boys and men who, maybe like me, are just hoping all this complicated emotional dad business will pass by soon, go back underground, and that life somehow will get back to a survivable normal on the day after Un-Father's Day.

. . . I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

On my Un-Father's Day card I'd write:

Today I honor good dads everywhere. Thanks you for all you have done and will do. Blessings also on the dads who in some way checked-out, who walked or were not available to their sons, and on the sad legacy they have to live with as a result. And especially, blessings on confused, sad, and dad-hungry males everywhere. Buried underneath all the drama and tragedy that kept you and your father apart, in my heart I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

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A Mom Wants Heroes for Her Son

I got a challenging message from the mom of a ten-year-old boy named Aaron. Melody K. wrote, I find it hard to raise a boy to be a man and male mentors are not easy to find. There seem to be lots of resources to help women and girls but not much for boys and men. Even our local Boy Scout groups have more moms than dads involved. My son needs to have good male mentors and some positive male heroes he can look up to. Can you profile some of these men?

Some of our military men are really heroes and would be great role models. Another good example was Quannah Parker, the last war leader of the free Comanche. He had a very difficult life on the plains and was focused on helping his people withstand the challenges to their way of life. He was also a brave warrior.

I'd like to read about lots of positive male role models, all with their own unique strengths. Their stories would be so encouraging to boys like my son who are looking for guidance and thinking about what kind of man they are going to become.

---

Here's part of my response to Melody: First of all, I believe ALL men are role models for boys because as young males approach adolescence they start watching and emulating the men around them. Like it or not, while they may not yet be heroes, all men are in the business of mentoring boys, whether they know it or not.

. . . all men are in the business of mentoring boys
whether they know it or not.

As I look back on my life the real hero for me was the man who lived next door. Mark Moore was the father of two girls and I know he liked having a young guy around. He knew about the alcoholic messes that happened in my house and, without saying much, he took me under his protective wing.

I can still remember the winter day Mark showed me his tackle box, a thing of mystery and things masculine for sure. I spent many days that winter waiting for late spring and the day Mark and I headed out to go fishing, with all the adventure, things to learn, and the beauty of nature. I learned to put a hook on the line, add the bait, and then how to be patient while waiting for your dreams to come true. Sometimes we even caught fish and I had to learn about life and death. Mark also invited me into his garage woodshop where I learned about tools, planning, building things, and starting over when necessary.

I wrote a blog post about Mark Moore in 2010, when I learned about his death, because, while I didn't realize it at the time, he taught me so much about being a man without even trying. He was and is my hero.

. . . he taught me so much about being a man
without even trying.

For better and worse, there are always men in the media for boys to watch. Way back when I was a kid, I had superheroes. I’m old enough to remember the early ones like Lone Ranger, Sky King, Superman, and Batman. While those shows were much less graphic, sexy, and violent than today's versions, my heroes were always strong, clean, and capable. They were constantly busy nabbing bad guys and doing the right thing for the people they served. They didn’t swear, always stood for positive values, and were always humble about their good work. Life was so innocent back then!

When training men to work with young guys, I like to ask them about their heroes. The hero question is actually number 7 on my list of Questions for Men which you can find on the Man-Making website. The question is: As an adolescent boy, who was one of your male heroes from film, music, sports, or television? What did that man teach you about manhood? Was there another man who was less visible and maybe less famous who stood out for you? What did you learn about being a man from him?

. . . who are your male heroes today?

So dear reader, let's help Melody and her son Aaron out. Do you have your own stories about men, or a special man, who has inspired you? Who were your heroes growing up and who are your male heroes today? What good men, real heroes, or positive role models have you come across in your life, film, TV, or in books? Send a paragraph along to me and I'll publish them (anonymously if you like) on this blog. I'll also add them to the Men's Stories collection evolving on the Man-Making website.

For the record, if you're a man and reading this post, you are my hero! It's because you wouldn't be here reading this unless you've heard the call to Man-Making, however faint. Reading these posts IS a step toward increasing your young male literacy, moving you closer to action in support of a young guy . . . and maybe becoming some young guy's hero!

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The ReUp Rap Contest that Healed the Hood

When yet another senseless crime took the life of an inner-city teen and struck at the heart of yet another community, news anchor Charlene Israel (now Charlene Aaron), realized she had to do something. So she got together with some other very good people from her community and started The ReUp Rap Contest. The ReUP is a hip-hop competition designed to promote change in the 7 Cities area of Virginia. This extremely important first step launched an amazing community initiative that changed the lives of many young men and touched many others in her community.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO REACH KIDS,
TO BRING THIS COMMUNITY TOGETHER?

"The ReUp" is a documentary film about that competition. It was filmed and edited by Lion'El with music by A-Rock and Just Archie. The film follows the evolution of the hip-hop competition and represents over a year of hard work, heartache, blood, sweat, and tears to create. It is a beautiful story of a community's trauma and loss. It's also the story of the actions people took to heal and support their kids and their community.

It's well worth your time to watch and actually witness the changes as street kids become proud, new young rappers. They have different levels of skill, but each of them has a powerful, often emotional story to tell. You'll hear lyrics of anger, sadness, and hopelessness, which wouldn't have otherwise been expressed. We would have been left with a pressurized and angry young man in the street. I'm reminded of the quote from Dr. William Pollack, author of the book, Real Boys, when he said, “If we don’t let our boys cry tears, they’ll cry bullets.” In this documentary, you'll hear how The ReUp has allowed these young guys to finally have a voice, a way to speak the truth about their lives that we all need to hear.

Warning: The full YouTube video (below) will only be available for a short time.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

Rules of The ReUp Rap contest:
Lyrical content must not contain:
swearing, violence/gunplay
objectification of women and other negative imagery.
Overall theme: "Love Your Neighbor"

Like the news anchor Charlene Aaron, Just Archie, also known as Archie "Van" Boone, is a powerful and creative youth advocate and educator. His music forms some of the background for the film. He believes in rap as an art form and a communication tool that can speak to the challenged youth in our cities. Archie is the founder of R.A.P Therapy and co-founder of The Shoutout Music Therapy Program. You can contact Archie Boone at itsjustarchie@yahoo.com and purchase music by A-rock and Just Archie at this link.

. . . they heard a more powerful call to do something
to support all "our" kids
and their communities.

Archie "Van" Boone is a one-man tour-de-force, positively and relentlessly influencing young lives and bettering his community. Charlene Aaron also stepped up because "we have to do something!" Because of their courage and willingness to act, people like Archie and Charlene are my Man-Making heroes. They are just like you, except maybe they heard a more powerful call to do something to support all "our" kids and their communities.

Blessings on Archie, Charlene, and all of the other heroes and sheroes who take action . . . and also blessings on those of you who will be inspired to "do something" in your community.

Re-invent
Re-think
Re-innovate
Re-imagine
Re-create
Re-UP!

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Helping Potentially Lethal Young Men

I often speak about severely under-male-nourished young men who are lost, imprisoned, or even dying for lack of adult male blessing and guidance. Very often, these are young males who have nothing positive to say about a father or adult man. I'm talking ZERO positive connection to good men and often lots of damage from a bad dad or the other men who are in their lives. The result is an emotionally damaged kid full of anger and teen bravado. The mask of, "I'm fine and I don't need anybody" is hard set on these guys, and they can put the whole community in danger.

Because of their predictable deficits, these young men are at high risk for making very bad life choices. But IF a man or group of men can connect with them while being very patient and working gently, many young men can have their life's trajectory altered and many can be saved. It often takes a long time to connect with these guys and a lot of courage on the part of these young men to risk trusting men again.

So I was not surprised when one of you sent along this great article from Mother Jones describing how a combination of mentoring by good men and cash incentives are being combined to reduce violence and homicides in Richmond, California. The article states in 2007 Richmond, "had the dubious distinction of being the ninth most dangerous in America." They had 47 homicides that year which meant in some places, gunfire was almost a daily event. Research into those numbers in 2009 revealed a rather surprising fact: "An estimated 70 percent of shootings and homicides in Richmond in 2009 were caused by just a few individuals . . . between the ages of 16 and 25." With the city's "potentially most lethal young men" identified, in combinations with other interventions, they set up Operation Peacemaker Fellowship (OPF), now known nationally as "the Richmond Model.”

The most innovative aspect of Operation Peacemaker Fellowship was the bait. The deal was if the young men, called Fellows, maintained their program commitment for six months — attending meetings, staying out of trouble, and connecting with their mentors, they became eligible to earn up to $1,000 a month for a maximum of nine months and to go on big trips to see the world. With gun violence in the U.S. costing an estimated $229 billion dollars a year, the average cost to taxpayers of every gun homicide in America is nearly $400,000. With only about half the Operation Peacemaker Fellowship participants getting payments at all (usually in the $300 to $700 range) meant the cost of the initiative was a bargain given the results.

As a result of OPF and its other initiatives, by 2014 Richmond recorded a 76 percent reduction in homicides and a 69 percent reduction in firearm assaults from the 2007 data. That's the lowest number of firearm assaults and homicides in their community in more than four decades. Of the 68 OPF Fellows who participated over the past 43 month period: 65 are alive (95%); 64 have not been injured by firearm (94%); and 57 (84%) have not been involved in any gun activity. These are huge victories given the scope and scale of the challenge!

. . . the benefits of connecting with these young guys
are much bigger than just fewer shootings.

The OPF men doing the mentoring are called Neighborhood Change Agents, and together they now work with about 150 young guys a year. While saving lives and reducing gang activity is impressive, they've learned the benefits of connecting with these young guys are much bigger than just fewer shootings. Many of the "potentially most lethal" young men in the OFP program are now in school or in jobs. These young men are doing more parenting, less drug use, and causing less violence in general. They have moved on from predictable criminal dead ends to involvement in programs that have changed the trajectory of their lives and are improving their neighborhoods in the process.

Check out this video from Richmond TV station KCBS for more of the story!
"They have to be willing to get on a plane with someone who is trying to kill you!"

The good men of Operation Peacemaker Fellowship are my heroes working on the front lines of the struggle to reclaim our lost boys and our communities. We need to honor them and learn from their experience. But to be very clear, ALL young men, even those with great families and engaged fathers, can use the objectivity and support of solid adult men. If teen males of any background can find their way to a place where there is support from good men, they will gradually open up and let you see the truth behind the mask they wear (and they all do). In those circles you can actually witness the effect of the group support, good information, personal feedback, and the positive attention working on them. You can watch as they become more confident, smile more often, and, most importantly, make better life choices.

That is what's at the heart of man-making!

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Rites of Passage for "Tender Warriors"

The Tender Warrior Association (TWA) is a non-profit, group mentoring organization, serving male middle school students, ages 11-14, who are from Maryland, Virginia, or Washington, D.C. TWA is the inspiration of Jeff Robertson, it's Founder and Executive Director. While TWA was incorporated in 2008, Jeff has been on a hero's journey of Man-Making work for the past 20 years. Today, TWA consists of 3 major components, Outdoor Adventure Activities, Ivy League College Tour Program, and a powerful honoring event called the Tribe 7 Ceremony.

Outdoor Adventure Activities: The men and young men meet on the second Saturday of the month for fun and some time for just hanging out. While the activities vary, Jeff believes in getting his young men out into nature as much as possible. On any given Saturday, they may be playing sports, heading out for camping, or hiking. Whatever the activity, there is always time toward the end to circle up for a conversation about some aspect of becoming a man.

The Ivy League College Tour Program: When funds are available, men and the young guys head out to visit new cities and take a look at life on New England college campuses such as Princeton, Harvard, and Yale. Their next college visit will be a guided tour of Dartmouth College, including lunch on campus, and tour of the city of Hanover, New Hampshire. As a bonus, they are hoping to tour NBC studios in downtown New York City. These trips provide the young men with a look at the world beyond their communities and always expand their horizons and view of what's possible.

. . . powerful expressions of
acknowledgement, caring, and blessing
are focused on the young man.

The Tribe 7 Ceremony: The Tribe 7 Ceremony happens early in a boy's involvement with TWA. It's a ceremony in which a young man is witnessed and honored for crossing an important line on his journey toward manhood. The family of each young man is supported in finding 7 men from his circle of extended family, friends, faith community, school, or his neighborhood. These men agree to participate in the ceremony and to support the young man in the days and years ahead. Jeff says in a world where men are often absent in many parts of a boy's life, it's sometimes a big challenge for a family to even find 7 men who will step up. However, when the men are found and the Tribe 7 Ceremony is possible, there are powerful expressions of acknowledgement, caring, and blessing focused on the young man. The boy is always deeply moved as are the men and families participating around the edges of the event.

The video below is just a short segment of a Tribe 7 Ceremony. In it you can actually see the ritual working its magic on everyone. The young man, thirteen-year-old Shariff Levine, is at the center of it all, nervous but beaming. The men, sometimes also feeling a little awkward, each have 2 minutes in which to accept and commit to the role of man-maker in Shariff's life, bless the young man, and present him with a special object to which the man has given special meaning. In the ceremony, each of the candles and the swords has special meaning which is explained to the initiate. They represent values such as strength, passion, determination, courage, confidence, and there is even one for the young man's "unknown potential." As you watch, can you begin to feel the power of what these men are focusing on this one young man?

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

I don't know about you but I was blown away by Jeff giving Shariff a gift of opening a savings account for a college trust fund. It also warmed my male heart to hear the men surrounding Shariff pledge to be there for him as he moves toward manhood. Who among you wouldn't have wanted that in your life as you were entering adolescence?

On September 30th, Jeff Robertson is being honored by the Architect of the Capital for his innovation in creating this group mentoring organization for young boys of color. He is one of my Man-Making heroes and truly deserves all the recognition he gets (and more)! Speaking of more, if you like what Jeff is doing you can donate to his work. The donation request on the TWA website is for $7, but whether it's $7, $70, or $700, you can be sure it will be put right to work setting young men on a positive journey toward manhood. You can reach Jeff at (301) 442-7760 or visit the TWA website at: tenderwarriorjr.org to learn more about their programs.

Trust that you and your men friends
are hardwired . . .for this work . . .

If you are inspired by Jeff's example, gather up some of your men friends and see what you might create for a young man in your world. In addition to Jeff's example and others I've described on this blog, here is a "how to" article describing a passage event I created with some men friends years ago for one of the men's son.

Anything a group of good men
do in support of a young man or group of young men
simply can't fail.

Anything a group of good men do in support of a young man or group of young men simply can't fail. Be prepared for this work to feel a little awkward because it's been so long since this was a normal part of life for men. Trust that you and your men friends are hardwired, deep in your male psyche, for this work and will know the right things to do and say. Be ready to be amazed by the young men's reaction, what happens to your male heart, and the positive reaction from the community around you.

If you have even a little desire to do something and want some guidance, contact me. Right now there is something every man can do in service to young guys. It's time for men to go to work. The boys are waiting and, as men, we do know how to do this!

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