MAN-MAKING BLOG

September 18, 2015

4 Reasons Young Men Hear The Call To Jihad

NOTE: I'll be traveling in Spain for the month of September. In the meantime, here is a popular post from the archive.

There is a lot of talk in the news today about how young men are being "radicalized" by religious extremists and being seduced into going off to fight wars in foreign lands. It's a sad story to be sure, but it's a very powerful call for young men.

The call to Jihad, at its core, is really the same call young guys hear to join street gangs, to join our military, or even to be on a school sports team. These organizations put out a call to action that matches up perfectly with the psychology and physiology of our adolescent males. What our young guys hear is a call to be a warrior. The surprising thing for me is not that some young men are answering that call, but that even more young men aren't responding to that message.

If we want to prevent our young men from being lost in tragic ways to the warrior call, we have to learn a little about the adolescent male experience, and then come up with alternative activities that really speak to them. Here's a four-item, short course in what I've learned about why our young men are vulnerable to extremist messages or any call to become a warrior.

. . . why our young men are vulnerable
to extremist messages
or any call to become a warrior.

1. The Biological Imperative: From adolescence to around the mid-twenties, young males are biologically vulnerable in at least two ways that set them up for a warrior call to action.

They are experiencing something like seven to ten surges of testosterone a day. Testosterone has been referred to as an aggression hormone, and it causes young males to feel powerful as their muscles are getting stronger and their sexuality is emerging. Testosterone drives a combative nature and hungers for physical activity, testing through competition and physical challenges, to demonstrate skills and prowess. You can see all this working on neighborhood basketball courts or skateboard parks.

The second biological issue is a young male's well researched and poorly wired prefrontal cortex. Simply stated, it's the part of the brain that helps them to think through the consequences of their choices. Sadly, up until the mid-twenties (and possibly beyond), this part of the brain is still under construction and is marginally functional.

If you take this biological picture as a whole, you come up with a very restless young guy, who is feeling powerful beyond reason, who is naturally combative, ready for action, and who isn't thinking clearly about his choices. This combination makes the perfect young warrior.

2. Tribal Nature: Simply stated, guys need a tribe. Men have operated in packs for eons. Look at the fans in any sports stadium. You'll find mostly men, wearing similar colors, and cheering on "their" team. This sense of belonging, membership, and being part of a pack, is very masculine behavior. For the young guys, being part of a tribe, having an identity as a member, is pretty important.

Males also like hierarchies, think of a military or bureaucratic structure. In a hierarchy, the pecking order is clear and a guy's place in the order of things is laid out. Beyond just belonging in a pack, you know your place in the masculine order of things.

Being in a male tribe gives a young man access to the book on manhood. A tribe gives a young man a smorgasbord of men he can look up to for guidance. He's surrounded by masculine role models and men who may teach him important life skills. There may even be a path of testing or ordeals necessary to achieve full membership and acceptance into the group. This is a perfect match with a young man's need for challenges and proving his worthiness.

Tribe = the book on manhood!

Getting blessings from older men and ultimately acceptance into the adult male club, getting a place around the fire, or honored status in the pack, is a big hunger in young men. A Jihadist group, street gang, or football team all meet the young guy hunger for a tribe.

3. Honor, Respect and Contribution: What our young males want is to be seen (at all) and then respected for who they are and for their unique gifts. They want to stand for something, and if it's a good or noble thing all the better. And though you might find it odd, young guys want to contribute, to make a difference, to be in service. After a community service project, I've see young men smile and stand straighter in the sunshine of gratitude expressed by the food shelf staff, habitat house owner, or elder food delivery service.

They want to stand for something. . .

What too many young guys get in our communities today is pressure for invisibility and often no young guy park or guy place to hang out. Their graffiti "art" is criminalized and over-painted as soon as possible. Their appearance is ridiculed and their music often disrespected. They slink around in alleys, the woods, or at the mall trying not to attract negative attention. So if someone offers them honor, respect, and an opportunity to contribute to an important cause, why wouldn't they say "yes."

4. Hope: Too many young men simply don't see any kind of a desirable future. There is little hope for good work, advanced education, or any legal economic success. Without those things, the idea of being a family man, father, provider, husband, are all just distant concepts for other people. So many young men have been fatherless or under-male parented and don't have good role models for any life but the street. Living with chronic hopelessness as the background to your life is sad business and makes angry and resentful young men. If someone shows them a quick path out of that place, and offers some hope of reclaiming self-respect with a few goodies attached, why wouldn't a lost young man choose that path?

There are lots more reasons many of our young men are vulnerable to the call to become a warrior. Whether or not they make good choices is really up to us. What is clear is that our young men need our support, intentional guidance, positive community, and especially good men around them.

When it comes to Jihad, like Ebola, we don't have to wait till the epidemic of under-male-nourished boys is at our door and starts taking even more of our young men from us. We can start acting now. It's not really that hard to do, we just have to be willing.

If you want to talk about what you, your group, or your community can do four young men, give me a shout and let's talk about what we can create. The young guys are waiting and the time is now!

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September 11, 2015

Farting, Fellowship, and Forgiveness

NOTE: I'll be traveling in Spain for the month of September. Here is a popular post from the archive.

Let's just start with the forgiveness. For those of you easily offended, please forgive me. In my world, this topic just seems to float by every so often. After all, this is a blog about men and boys, and while it's awkward to admit, occasionally taking pleasure in, or laughing at, the passing gas seems to be embedded in the male DNA. So this post is about using information about flatulence to connect with boys . . . OK, males.

Women have a more dignified relationship with this part of the human experience, and are most often offended by any attention focused on the passing of gas. Males however, especially the young dudes, clearly have a more celebratory relationship with this bodily function.

This time the topic was brought to my attention by a mom who had been transporting a car full of young guys, when one of them passed some Serious Gas. Of course, this sent the other guys into fits of laughter, and vain attempts of the boys to match the original “call.” The mom said it was just gross and the last straw. She was offended, really was frustrated, tired of the joke, and just didn't get it. Not all moms feel that way, however.

On The Stir is a blog especially for moms. A recent edition had an article about a young boy who was actually given detention for farting on a school bus and causing a major ruckus. The mom in the article did express some boy-literacy when she said, You know, I don't like anyone smelling up an enclosed space any more than the next gal, but farting is practically an art form for a pre-teen boy. She also allowed that the young man, in his gaseous statement, had . . . just bought himself a one-way ticket to popularity-ville. At least until he starts getting really interested in what the girls think.

I have a theory about male farting. Perhaps we can attribute the joy our young guys (males) take in creative flatulence to our cave dwelling ancestors? Think about it. These guys, prior to football on TV, would spend a lot of time just sitting around the fire with not much to do or say. I can imagine them relaxing after chowing down on a big meal of mastodon, or kangaroo, or venison, and being a little groggy with the digestive process. With nothing else to do and zero social constraints, I'm sure the passing of gas was a major source of entertainment. Because they were guys, I’m also pretty sure competition would eventually commence. From my experience with men, and as a man, I just know this did happen down through time and all around the world. Ancient history there.

When farting is outlawed, only outlaws will fart!

I liked another explanation of why boys fart from a blog actually dedicated to that particular art form. The author of Farting for Boys, I suspect a young male, responded to the question, Why do boys like farting? He said, Because it's gross, unkempt, from the body, and discouraged by society. When farting is outlawed, only outlaws fart, and boys like to be outlaws. If enjoying "dumb humor" is criticized, boys would rather be dumb. The more it's hated by others, the funnier it is to do, and the more they enjoy doing it. If you visit Farting for Boys - (UPDATE! Since the publication of this post, the Farting for Boys blog has been taken down by Blogger. In doing so they obliterated another creative, but boyish expression of the truth.

When I describe the draft of this post to a couple of my men friends, the response was a smile, an “of course,” and encouragement to let it fly. Having also been through the gaseous part of boyhood and adolescence, they nostalgically remembered the strange form of fragrant bonding that comes from that particular form of male “sharing.” The simultaneously occurring feelings are disgust, compassion, humor, jealousy, and occasionally awe, that unites males in a pack. If you want to endear yourself to a group of young guys, tell a fart joke, or better yet, offer them the real thing. You'll endear yourself to them forever.

If you really want to impress the young dudes (and some of your men friends), here are some fun facts about farting from OnlineEducation.net:

The average person will fart 14 times per day and produce a half liter of fart gas. These farts can travel as fast as 7 mph and due to their composition (largely methane), are quite flammable. The top ten farting animals from most to less, are as follows: Termites, Camels, Zebras, Sheep, Cows, Elephants, Labradors - Retrievers, Humans (Vegetarians), Humans (non-Vegetarians), and Gerbils. And finally, did you know even dead people can still fart?

I’m resisting putting a “fart button” on this post because I really do have my limits. But I am including the edgy video below which I guarantee will bring peals of laughter from any group of adolescent males . . . and a fair number of men. Like I said, it’s in our DNA. If you’re not a fan of flatulence, don’t watch.

If the video doesn't show up, use this link

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September 2, 2015

Guys - Check Your Balls!

NOTE: I'll be traveling in Spain for the month of September. Here is a timely and popular post from the archive.

Among other places, this poster appeared in the women's toilet in a Hobart (Tasmania) pub. Do you think this is this going too far?

Click to Enlarge Poster

We seem to live in a very pink world these days, where so much (important) attention is given to women's breast cancer awareness. Yet it seems odd to me that a poster using the word "balls" and suggesting men (and their partners) should be checking them, might be seen as more than a little provocative. Given the data on testicular and other cancers for men, maybe not!

. . . men are 33% more likely
to be diagnosed
with cancer
than women. . .

One in 268 men will be diagnosed with cancer of the testes during their lifetime. While we often think of this as an older man's disease, while rare, it's the most common cancer in males between 15 and 45. It peaks in males in their mid-twenties. Other cancers causing death in guys include lung, prostate, bowel, and melanoma. As the poster states, men are 33% more likely to be diagnosed with cancer than women, and 30% more men will die of the disease than women! Given these numbers, it seems to me we should have more loud and bold approaches to men's balls and this aspect of men's health directed at both teem males and men.

Blue September (blueseptember.org) is a global awareness and fundraising initiative for all men’s cancers. Blue was chosen as a men's color as pink is the preferred color for women's breast cancer awareness. Since starting in New Zealand, the Blue September movement has migrated to Australia, the United States, the United Kingdom, and Ireland. The Blue September blokes in Australia, who created the poster, are supporting Australian Prostate Cancer Research and The Australian Cancer Research Foundation. They say each year, more than 22,000* Australian men die of cancer. For the record, the number for annual male deaths in the US is 33,000.

GO NUTS! Just one of many campaigns across the globe included a Blue September event in the US, prior to the Oakland Raiders/Pittsburgh Steelers game, September 23, 2012. It turns out research says walnuts can improve prostate heath. In order to raise awareness about testicular and other cancers for men, prior to the game, fans were given a package of California walnuts, blue wrist bands, and health information. The jumbo screens also showed a pre-game video on the topic. What a great way to bring this topic to a male audience.

Are you willing to help get the word out to young men and adult males? It would be a sad thing to lose a guy at any age to testicular cancer just because we can't comfortably talk about gonads, nads, nuts, testicles, rocks, bollocks, sack nuggets, groin, the acorns, cracker jacks, stones, kerbangers, marbles, the yam bag, your junk, tenders, cullions, the dangly bits, pelotas, nutsack, doo-dahs, bollocks, huevos, kiwis, clappers, family jewels, cojones, the package, knackers, cods, love spuds, and yes, balls.

Here are some links to great videos and information on Blue September, testicular cancer, and Testicular Self-Exam (TSE) for men and young males:

A clip of Ireland's Munster Rugby Team getting painted blue for the cause.

A really great website, checkemlads.com, is run by men who are cancer survivors. You'll hear them tell moving personal stories, see a very informative video clip, and get some TSE instruction from straight talking men.

A great teen health website, kidshealth.org, with some very straight forward instructions on how to do Testicular Self-Exam (TSE).

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August 26, 2015

One Woman's Experience of Manhood

It's such a rare opportunity to get a woman's view of man's world, so when my friend and subscriber, John Richards sent along this example, I thought there was good reason to share it. It's about how Norah Vincent, a lesbian feminist, spent a year and a half disguised as a man.

John said, "While I don't necessarily agree with her view of men, her piece is one of those that works against the common notions of men as perpetrators, women as victims, and seeing traditional forms of masculinity as dangerous or destructive. I also like it because argues for equality between genders – not an easy thing at all. I think this would be great discussion material for a young men's group."

In 2006, Norah Vincent disguised herself as a man. By going undercover, she got access to man's world. She was doing immersion journalism, and to do so, she went through an extensive makeover and appeared as the male "Ned." The disguise included taking acting lessons, clothing, fake facial hair, and some strategically placed padding in a jockstrap!

With her Ned identity, she joined a bowling team, took on a high pressure sales job, visited strip clubs, and even spent time in a men’s therapy group. In doing so, Vincent got a view of manhood that hardly women don't normally get to see. In the process, she went a little crazy, and learned that being a man isn't as easy as she thought.

As you'll hear her explain in the video clip, she discovered that whatever male privileges and natural camaraderie between men may exist, guys pay a big price in their own battle with male sexual stereotypes. She learned about how men are supposed to embody masculine strength, endure pain, be competitive, be athletic, and the importance of competency in typically masculine skills. In addition, she felt men had to deal with being socialized against vulnerability and compassion, and had to struggle with learned, limited emotional expression. One of her realizations which resonated for me is when she said, "There's a tremendous potential for more tenderness between men."

"There is a time in a boy’s life
when the sweetness is pounded out of him;
and tenderness, and the ability
to show what he feels,
is gone."
Norah Vincent.

For a more in-depth understanding of Norah Vincent's experience, you can read her book, Self-Made Man: One Woman's Year Disguised as a Man. In the book as well as in the video, she goes into more detail about the guilt she still feels about having deceived the men who so readily welcomed her into their circle of friendship. I'll be curious about what gets stirred up for you in this clip.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

What are our boys learning about masculinity,
femininity, and all the other gender options
showing up in today's world?

By way of disclaimer, let’s be very clear, this is only one woman's perspective on manhood. It is full of her judgments, misconceptions, and sweeping generalizations about men. You and I both know lots of men who do not fit her model of what constitutes manhood today. But her story is still an oddly informative experiment. In addition to her observations about men, for better and worse, her experiment invites us all to ask hard questions about what our boys are learning about being a "man," femininity, and all the other gender options showing up in today's world.

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August 17, 2015

Men Holding Space for Young Guys

In my work with young men, I often hear the term, “holding space.” It means a lot of things really. For me it’s primarily about keeping a place in my heart and mind for the multitude of sad, angry, brave, lonely, and under-male-supported young men I know who are out there and lost on their journey to manhood.

The most common use of the expression, “holding space,” refers to the creation of a safe, gentle, and non-judgmental environment for young guys on our events, outings and in our school and other group circles. We refer to it as creating a safe container that can hold the hard questions, expressions of deep wounds, joys, anger and anything else that's found behind the brave, “I’m Okay” boy mask. It's the space inside that container, where deep truths can be spoken, that we hold and protect.

“holding space” refers to
the creation of a safe, gentle, and
non-judgmental environment for young guys

One way of teaching men to hold space and to keep the container strong is by teaching them our basic group-mentor’s job description. While it may be slightly altered in different places in our network, basically it’s to LAMP and not to FRAP young males! LAMP means to Listen, Accept, Model, and Praise. These behaviors are gifts people can give each other in any relationship and which increase trust and connection. FRAP is what we try not to do. Fix, Rescue, Advise, and Project. FRAP-ing behavior quickly reduces and erodes the trust that is the glue in any container. You can read more about these skills in this past Man-Making Blog post on the topic.

Matt Zavadil, a true brother in mission and the program director for Boys to Men - Georgia, came across the term “holding space” in an article he was reading. He sent the following contribution for your consideration.

Earl, I recently read a great blog post from a woman who learned how to support her mother's dying process. It's full of tremendous insight and the wisdom she gained going through the experience. The term she uses is "holding space" and it perfectly describes what we do for the boys in our programs.

Holding space seems so passive on one hand, and yet, OMG, it is not! For me, to really hold safe space for a young guy, I need constant vigilance to corral my every impulse to look smart, anticipate a kid’s meaning, push for a specific outcome, feed my own ego, or somehow make it about me. After reading this post, I realize holding space, at its core, is one of the strongest acts of love there is.

Here are lessons the author learned from her experience of holding space for her mother in that most difficult time:

Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom.
Don’t take their power away.
Keep your own ego out of it.
Make them feel safe enough to fail.
Give guidance and help cautiously, with humility and thoughtfulness.
Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc.
Give people only as much information as they can handle.
Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would.

The author goes into more detail about each of these themes in her article. Let’s share these ideas with people who are working with young guys.

How would you feel if you were able to sit with a group of good men who were committed to holding space for you? What would it be like for you to be in a place where you felt safe because trust in each other was high, and where your real, unedited, truth-speaking self was welcomed and honored? It’s in that environment where real man-making takes place and where all the participants move along on their journey to manhood.

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