Boys Who Need Men in their Lives - Bad News and some Really Good News

First the Bad News:

Australian Chris Lane, 22, died from gunshot wounds on Aug. 16, in Duncan, Oklahoma. Lane had moved to Oklahoma to play baseball, and was staying with the family of his girlfriend in Duncan. He would have been a senior at East Central University this fall. He was shot in a random drive-by shooting by 3 teen boys who told police they were bored and had simply decided to kill someone for the "fun of it." Now Lane is gone and the 15, 16, and 17 year-olds are charged with murder. In a press conference Duncan District Attorney, Jason Hicks, said, "This is not Duncan, Oklahoma."

After years of working with young guys, it's always a surprise to me how shocked people are when these tragedies happen. Of course it's always wrong, often horrific, wrenching, and it messes with our protective delusions that boyhood should be a great time in a teenage boy's life. It is for some. But there are so many young guys disconnected from their community, bored, lost in their lives, and they are often angry and restless. Add guns to that mix and there can only be big trouble.

James Johnson was the man who called police four hours after the boys shot Lane. He said the shooters were outside his home with guns. Minutes later the boys were arrested with a handgun and a shotgun in their car. Johnson believes they murdered Lane as part of a gang initiation and had also targeted his son. In the video below, listen to what he says about out-of-control and lost boy shooters:

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

. . . they are all good kids, they just don't have
any male figures in their lives . . . no men.

BUT WAIT! Now for the Good News:

In the same week, I was sent some information about another, happier story concerning men and boys. A group of men from the Boys to Men Organization in San Diego, California are doing something critical for the boys in their world. It's called the School Group Mentoring Program. Every week these dedicated men are showing up at middle schools, high schools, and foster care facilities to give teenage boys a community of men who listen, encourage, and believe in them.

Here is how they describe their program on their website:

In 2009, Boys to Men began an after school group mentoring program in San Diego targeting “at-risk” middle and high school boys. . . . The group aspect of the weekly meetings gives boys access to a variety of male role models. These men show up consistently, tell the truth about their struggles as men, ask the boys what kind of man they want to be, praise them for their unique gifts, support them when they screw up, and encourage them to become that good man they all want to be. . . . When we invest in our boys, and support them at this critical time, the payback will last a lifetime!­­

Here's some interesting data on the boys who have participated in these school programs. They have:

• Improved their GPA by an average of 57%.
• Reduced their discipline referrals by 79%.
• STAYED in school. (Boys to Men students had a 0% dropout rate. The school dropout rate was 35.5%.)

An interesting side note is that 75% of the boys in the program are growing up without a father in their home.

The men from Boys to Men, San Diego, raise money to fund their school programs in a uniquely California way . . . by surfing! They call it their 100 Wave Challenge. In the video from last year's event below, you can listen to what these men and young men are saying about what it's like to be in a community where the men are showing up for the boys.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

Their 4th Annual 100 Wave Challenge will be September 21st at Mission Beach in San Diego. Each surfer has sponsors who have pledged financial support, and the guy has 12 hours to catch 100 waves. The average time to catch and surf 100 waves is 6 hours. It's truly a heroic effort that can only be accomplished with the support of their fellow surfers, their friends and family on the beach, and knowing the funds raised will be put to such a good cause.

If you like what they are doing and can't get there with your board, consider sending them a donation. Because as they said at the end of the video, " . . . every boy deserves a good man in his life!"

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CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm interested in your thoughts on man-making. Also, I'm available to work with you to bring the right form of man-making to your community or organization.

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What Kind of Man Do You Want To Be?

I've just had the pleasure of participating in my first ever Google Hangout conversation. The hangout was hosted by Marie Roker-Jones, of the Raising Great Men blog, and Dr. Vibe, host of the online radio show, The Dr. Vibe Show for Black Men, and those who love them. These very good people are part of the growing man-making community, doing what they can to support boys, young males, and men, on their journey toward a positive manhood. I was a guest along with filmmaker Joe Brewster, of the film America's Promise.

The theme was, "What Kind of Man Do You Want To Be?"

You can listen to our conversation, Part I, in the video below. We kicked around some big ideas about the challenges facing young men today.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

Part II of the conversation had Marie and Dr. Vibe interviewing three very bright young men, Edmund Adjapong, Karl Rivera, and Good Men Project writer, Kevin Carty. These young men responded to questions about messages they got as young men about manhood, dating, their conversations about men with the women in their lives, the role of education in shaping a young male's vision of manhood, and much more. These guys offered a very clear view of manhood as experienced by young, college age men. These are voices from an age group we don't get to hear from often enough.

You can listen in on their conversation in this video:

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

Anything come up for you after listening to these conversations? If so, send me a quick message

If you or someone you know has something important to say about man-making, let me know. I'll add them to my list of people for future Hangouts or audio interviews.

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CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm interested in your thoughts on man-making. Also, I'm available to work with you to bring the right form of man-making to your community or organziation.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, go to this link for a free subscription.

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Tattoos, Young Males, and A Way Back

Getting a tat (tattoo) can be an impulsive act, an artistic expression, a symbol of membership or affiliation, a historical record of the wearer, or simply a gesture that carries deep personal meaning. The tough thing about tats is that they stay when you and your life go on.

The history of the word tattoo is commonly believed to come from the Tahitian word ‘tatau’ which means ‘to mark something’. Regardless of where the word comes from, the practice is believed to be well over 5000 years old, and it is found in many ancient cultures.

One important historical use for tattoos or body scaring has been the marking of a young man’s body to honor his crossing into manhood and his new status in the community. The pain associated with this act was considered one of the ordeals required for a successful passage into manhood. The bearer was then instantly recognized in the community as a man with the status and responsibilities that went with his role.

Sadly, in the same way, tattoos are used today to claim membership in a street or prison gang. Gang tats, as in ancient times, can display a lot of information about the wearer. They can identify the gang, the wearer’s skills, where they are from, the type and number of both criminal activities and jail time. Even the size and where on the body the tat is placed carries meaning.

It’s not my place to judge the choice to tat or not. But I do like the idea that when a young person decides to check out of the gang life or when they get out of jail, not only can they sometimes find a fresh start, but the physical story of their past can often be erased from their skin.

Gang Rescue and Support Project (GRASP) is in Denver, Colorado. It’s an intervention program for young people 14-21 who are at-risk, in some way, of gang involvement. A big part of why GRASP is successful is because it’s run by ex-gang members who have gotten out of the lifestyle and turned their lives around. They know first-hand the dangers and challenges of stepping out of gang life and they can and do help.

Just one of GRASP's services is tat removal. In the video at this link, you can watch as ex-gang members get their tats removed and talk about the impact on them. As you will hear, getting tats removed is an important step, physically and emotionally, on the path out of gang life. What GRASP is doing is powerful work that can reduce violence and criminality in our communities. More importantly, it will save kid’s lives.

For more information, check out the GRASP website or give them a call at: 303-777-3117.

Check out these solid messages from GRASP in the clip below:

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

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CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm interested in your thoughts on man-making. Also, I'm available to work with you to bring the right form of man-making to your community or organziation.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, go to this link for a free subscription.

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Stupid Boy Killing and Some Hope

RANT WARNING: OK, I’m sad and pissed off. I’m writing today in a burst of emotion and don’t feel like I want to make sense. I mean the world doesn’t make sense to me right now. So I’m just putting it all out here.

In today’s paper there is a story about a lost seventeen year-old boy who helped mastermind the robbery and unintended killing of his own grandmother, by himself and his boy pack.

Grandma was great. She was a positive force in her neighborhood that helped with mowing, looked after others' houses, and shared her peach crisp recipe. She volunteered at her church and helped with Vacation Bible School. She had played a role in raising her grandson and was a big support to the family after his mom divorced his dad. Grandma was even trying to get her grandson help for his drug use. As the article reported, her grandson and his siblings were “the love of her life.”

The grandson and his teen boy pack of three plotted a robbery, stalked her house, and then broke in. The oldest boy in the pack then cut grandma with a knife and forced her to write him a check for $1500. He then stabbed and strangled her while the grandson played lookout. It’s all stupid, stupid, stupid, horribly tragic, and profoundly sad.

So yes, I’m upset this whole sad drama has come to pass. I’m also sad about the other articles in the same paper describing other stupid young guy’s actions. Shootings as part of the too common, “Lord of the Flies” style gang theater, and reckless driving involving a crash and a death.

We know the pre-frontal cortex in teen male brains is not fully wired. The dudes can’t always think through the long-term consequences of their actions. That’s why dumb but exciting activities somehow make sense to them. In truth, the young guys are handicapped individuals until sometime in their mid-twenties. They deserve our love and some compassion, but they also require our constant attention and guidance. The thing that makes me really angry in the article about the grandson is that again, I got to read the too common adult disclaimer, “I didn’t see it coming at all.” Really, give me a break!

"I didn’t see it coming at all."
Really, give me a break!

Seemingly every day in the press, online, and in the “news,” we are presented with more evidence that too many angry, lost, under-managed young guys, in packs or alone, with access to drugs, who can drive cars or get weapons, are going to find a way to create havoc in their lives, and inflict unbearable pain on their families and in the lives of those in their communities. What the adult is really saying in that brief disclaimer is some version of: “It’s not my fault, I didn’t want to get involved, it’s not my business, someone should have helped that kid, kids these days, I’ve got my own problems,” and, “it’s not my responsibility.” I’m tired of hearing those responses. Those phrases are most often spoken by people whose lives haven’t YET, been messed up by an out of control young male.

As a Man-Making Blog reader, you know my response; it’s, “Do something! Please!” I do what I do with young guys for a lot of reasons, but on top is the fact that I do feel some responsibility and I don’t like these uncomfortable feelings that are the cost of inaction. When I read these sad stories, at least I can say, “I accept some responsibility, I’m glad I’m involved, it IS my business, and I can and do make a difference in the lives of some young men.” What if you and all the other Man-Making Blog readers, and all your men friends felt the same and did something for a kid somewhere? What would that world look like?

In January of this year, I did a Man-Making Blog post about the Continuum of Involvement, from the Man-Making book and my Man-Making trainings. The basic idea is that there is a continuum of action options for those of you who may be willing to do something. It all starts with the smallest of gestures, low personal risk and little time required. Check out that post, and then see if there isn't something you’re willing to do. Or contact me and let’s see what might be possible for you.

I believe they are all “our boys,” I know they need good men (like you) in their lives, and I can promise there is something you can do today to make a difference, maybe THE difference. I'm dedicating my next steps to this kid's grandma.

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CONTACT: Send Earl a message. I'm interested in your thoughts on man-making. Also, I'm available to work with you to bring the right form of man-making to your community or organziation.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, go to this link for a free subscription.

LIKE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the "Like" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page!

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Tweet      Follow @earlh

ADD EACH MAN-MAKING BLOG POST TO YOUR WEBSITE: It's easy to have the Man-Making Blog posts appear on your organization's website. Send me a quick message and I'll tell you what it takes to get set up. To see an example of how it might look on your site, check out the blog page on the Man-Making website.