The Man-Making Blog is a practical and inspirational resource
for people interested in supporting our young males
on their journey to manhood.

November 23, 2015

Men, Boys, and Masculine Emotional Intelligence

A while back I put up a Man-Making Blog post titled, “Teaching Boys to Have Feelings? ” The question mark at the end of the title was there because I don’t believe we have to teach boys to have feelings. So many of our young men are already emotionally pressurized and what the world mostly sees is anger. What we do need to do is help our young men to develop a broad emotional vocabulary, the language of feelings, to help them get access to and understand their complex and rich emotional life.

I don’t believe we have to teach boys to have feelings . . .

In response to that post, I heard from Owen Marcus, the author of, Grow Up: A Man’s Guide to Masculine Emotional Intelligence. The current model of a man’s emotional life is called “Masculine Emotional Intelligence” or MEI. Owen feels MEI is not really masculine at all, but a feminine concept. Here’s how he explained it:

Two hundred years ago, when the men left the farm for the factory, the mothers were left to raise the kids. Women did what they had to do: they stepped up to fill the gap of not having men around. In doing so they modeled and taught both the girls and boys how to be emotional.

Without balanced masculine and feminine role models, young men took on what they were taught. That meant for a few hundred years, the definition of masculine emotional intelligence slowly moved towards the feminine. It wasn’t a conspiracy; it was simply women doing what they had to do. Today, men and women assume that the key to a man’s emotional success, and relationship bliss, comes from men mastering a feminized emotional framework.

In my twenty years of leading men’s groups, I learned the best, and possibly only way out of this, is through men teaching men about feelings. You may ask, how can men teach men about feelings when they weren’t given guidance themselves? Good question. But the truth is men do have their own brand of emotionality, and know it instinctually. When you put men in a group with other men, over time, they naturally begin teaching each other about feelings through their personal expressions and interactions. What eventually emerges is a true and decidedly more male style of emotional expression.


I believe all feelings are gender neutral. That said, when, how, what, and how intensely feelings are expressed has indeed been shaped differently by culture for men and women. Of course this is not a male/female, either/or discussion, and there is a range of emotional capacity spread across all genders/people. But in my experience of being in men’s groups and working with young guys, I do agree that with time spent together in safe venues, males do indeed cross-train each other in how to express a wider range of emotional expression than is seen in the public sphere. I’ve witnessed how, over time in group, the depth, range, spontaneity, and acceptance of feelings and intimate expressions do ramp up.

. . . as a man you are the book on manhood
for the young men around you . . .

There is one really important point to hold on to in this discussion. As our boys and young men are building their vision of the good man they want to become, they need to see emotionally literate and vulnerable adult men as role models. I believe the most powerful gift a man can give himself, his loved ones, and the young men in his world, is to develop his own brand of masculine emotional intelligence. Whether you know or even care, as a man you are the book on manhood for the young men around you. You can be sure they are watching and learning from you!

If you’re interested in learning more about Owen’s work on MEI, his company, Free to Win, offers men training in MEI and in how to start their own free men’s group. Owen is also looking for men interested in participating in an online pilot course with the theme of developing your own MEI. If you’re interested, you can contact him directly.



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November 9, 2015

Mo-ing for Movember and Men's Health


The word Movember is a combination of Mustache + November. It's also the name of a global campaign to raise awareness and funds for men's health issues such as prostate and testicular cancer, men's mental health, and the deaths associated with physical inactivity. The idea is in November, men grow mustaches which become the "ribbon" men wear to show their support of the Movember goals. Men become walking, talking billboards about men's health for the 30 days of November. As they say, the idea is to grow, show, and connect with your fellow Mo's to spread the word about men's health.


To support the Movember initiative, you can simply grow a "Mo." You can also go to the Movember website in your respective country and register. You can register as an individual and start collecting donations on your Mo Space, or you can create a team of brothers from your workplace, neighborhood, or campus and fund-raise together. Here is the link to the U.S. Movember website where you can learn more about getting started.

Not only do I really like the idea of men taking a highly visible stand for male health issues, but it's great role modeling for young men. It's good for our young guys to witness adult men in active service to an important cause.

Of course I support all those pink events. They are great examples of how to create awareness and raise much needed funds for women's health issues. That said, I do feel considerable masculine pride seeing my male friends and relatives growing Mo's. My hope is that men will really like the feeling of being united around an important and very masculine cause and being in service to their communities. My wish is the next cause that gets their attention will be doing something about the epidemic of under-male-nourished boys around the globe who desperately need men's support.

Just below is a fun video clip tracking the growth of the Movember movement from the start when 30 Mo Bros launched the initiative in Melbourne, Australia in 2003, to the 854,288 registered Mo's in 2011. On the U.S. Movember website you can continue to track the evolution of the movement through 2014. Today there are over 5 million Mo Bros and supportive Mo Sistas across the globe!


If the clip isn't visible use this link.

The initial Mo Bros didn't raise much more than awareness, but today the campaign they started changing the world. In addition to the enormous difference they continue to make in men's lives, they are yet another shining example of what a few good men, working together with intention, can create.

As they say, Movember is changing the face of men's health. It's never too late for you to get started. Even a shadow of a mustache in November makes you a visible advocate for men's health. Remember, in the challenge to raise awareness about men's health and well-being, every mustache makes a difference.



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SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, use this link for a free subscription.

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