MAN-MAKING BLOG: boys emotional development

Showing posts with label boys emotional development. Show all posts

January 21, 2025

Boys, Men, Horses and Heroes

It has to be scary for a young man raised in the streets of a city, to encounter something so big and otherworldly as a horse! I guess that's the point! It's the reason the men of the Boys To Men of Memphis Mentoring Program in Memphis, Tennessee, are using horses to teach boys important lessons about dealing with your fears, caring for others, being responsible, and much, much more.

The picture below shows some of the young guys grooming a horse. It was taken from a video by a local Memphis TV station, that describes the very good work these folks are doing with and for boys. To see the full video, use this link.

The news station was so impressed with what they learned in taping this segment, that the station, along with a local church, donated $1000 to the Boys to Men of Memphis Mentoring Program. Nice!

This is just another example of how a few people, who really understand the need to guide young men on their journey toward a positive manhood can step up. I'm proud of them and am adding them to my growing list of heroes and sheroes in this work. Use this link if you want to learn about other heroes I've written about in the past.

If you want to learn more about this group, and perhaps be inspired to take an interest of yours and grow it into working with young men, you can contact them at Boys to Men of Memphis Mentoring Program, 1596 Barton Street, Memphis, TN 38106 or call (901) 810-1123

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October 20, 2021

A Young Man's Rite of Passage in the Bush

Locking away his cell phone in a wooden box was the first challenge 17-year-old PJ had to face on his 5-day Rites of Passage (ROP) experience. He and his father got to the wilderness camp after a 10-hour drive from Canberra, the capital city of Australia. Like so many of these encounters, the wild and remote bush setting added to the power and gravity of the passage event.

From my experience, once a Rites of Passage event is launched, all the males present, but especially the young guys, naturally drop into the seriousness of the occasion. Everyone gets that something important is happening and they soon find their right place in the ancient drama. It was no different for the thirty other fathers and sons (or male mentors - uncles, stepdads, or family friends of a young man), who attended the camp with PJ and Peter. The group was made up of guys who came from across Australia to be present to honor a group of young males transitioning into manhood.

Clearly you can’t make men out of boys in five days.

Clearly you can’t make men out of boys in five days. What you can do is:

Let them know that you see and welcome their emerging manhood.
You can encourage the young men to take the changes going on in them seriously and invite them to consider some of the responsibilities waiting for them.
You can challenge the young guys with activities which contain "think about it" lessons about becoming a man.
You and the other men can share stories about your adolescent years, and what you've learned along the way.
Finally, you and the other men can witness and honor the gifts and talents you see in the young males.

For young men, being witnessed in those ways, by thirty or so adult men, is a compelling and transformational experience. It is also powerful and transformational for the adult men witnessing the young males.

You can read more about PJ and Peter's Rites of Passage camp experience in a recent Canberra City News article. The article discusses some of the camp activities, the kinds of topics covered in conversations, and the role of rituals in the process. If you want to learn more about Peter's experience you can email him at peter.lennon@mhf.org.au You can also visit the Reconxted Facebook page to learn more about this group's approach to Rites of Passage.

On the Man-Making Blog you can read more about various kinds of Rites of Passage experiences diverse groups have taken to support their adolescent boys during this important transition time. Note: These examples are taken from twenty years of posts and not all links and videos are still available.

If you're inspired to do something similar, even if it's on a much smaller scale, feel free to contact me.

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June 20, 2021

Un-Father's Day

This is a repeat of an older post describing what Father's Day means to me. It's all still true for me and it feels good to honor my father, father's, and fatherless boys in this way today. It is my intention to run this out every Father's Day.

Fathers, for better and worse, are THE most powerful man-making force on the planet. In this dad season, good fathers are my heroes, and certainly deserve high praise and celebration. That said, here's another way to think about Father's day.

. . . that stew pot of memories
called "Dad" . . .

As the commercial messages about Father's Day bring fathers and fatherhood into sharp focus, for me that stew pot of memories called "Dad," with its very mixed bag of confusing emotions, gets seriously stirred up. From my childhood through adolescence, my dad was lost in his marriage, was sick, and in the throes of alcoholism. While there were some gifts from him, too often he treated me horribly and I've been finding my way back ever since. Even though I know my father was the best dad he was able to be, I'm left feeling the complicated remnants of rage, love, sadness, hopelessness, and a kind of father-hunger driven emptiness at my core.

After years of self-discovery work and digging around in my family history, I've been able to find some true expressions of my dad's fatherly love. Like water in the desert, I treasure those few positive memories. Taken together, they form a small shield I can use to protect myself on Father's Day. At this point in my life, I'm exhausted by both talking and not talking about my dad issues. But when the third Sunday of June approaches each year, for me it's an Un-Father's Day. I find myself looking forward to the relief on the day after Father's Day when it all goes underground again.

In this dad season, I'm also very much reminded of the many men, adolescent males, and young boys I've come across in my man-making work who don't have any good dad memories to use as a defense on Father's Day. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm reminded of of all the really bad dad stories I've heard shared across a circle by often sobbing guys.

I'm just saying,
I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I have heard from countless men, young men, and boys who have never known a dad because he simply wasn't identifiable, because they were adopted at birth, or because of a court ordered separation from their fathers. There are all the dads who left during pregnancy, or the dads who were shot in the hood from gang violence. Then there are all the kids whose dads are in jail, or lost to PTSD or substance abuse. I remember a soft-spoken boy of ten whose initiation name was Steel Heart. He was in the room when his dad killed himself with a shotgun blast to the head. I'm just saying, I've heard lots of really bad dad stories.

I always wonder if just the idea of Father's Day results in re-wounding these fatherless young males. I wonder if the day stirs up their deep, confusing, profound, and not very well-defended sense of abandonment and father-loss. For them and me, again this year, it will be very much an Un-Father's Day.

So on this Father's Day, if you have the good fortune to have a good dad to honor, count yourself as lucky, and don't miss a chance to say thank you. However imperfectly he fathered you, he was there and doing the best he could do. He deserves to be thanked and celebrated. Thanks Dad, I love you.

After honoring your father, please take a moment to allow into your heart all those tragically abandoned or under-fathered young guys in the world around you. The boys, young men, and men who won't feel those good-dad feelings on Father's Day. Remember that on Father's Day, and every other day of the year, these guys will experience a profound hunger for the blessings that can only come from having a caring father in your life. Remember all the boys and men who, maybe like me, are just hoping all this complicated emotional dad business will pass by soon, go back underground, and that life somehow will get back to a survivable normal on the day after Un-Father's Day.

. . . I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

On my Un-Father's Day card I'd write:

Today I honor good dads everywhere. Thanks you for all you have done and will do. Blessings also on the dads who in some way checked-out, who walked or were not available to their sons, and on the sad legacy they have to live with as a result. And especially, blessings on confused, sad, and dad-hungry males everywhere. Buried underneath all the drama and tragedy that kept you and your father apart, in my heart I believe there is/was a father who loved you.

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April 12, 2021

Young Guys and Emerging Adulthood

I've just returned from a Rite of Passage Weekend in which twenty men "initiated" thirteen young males into man's world. With the young men being between twelve and twenty years old, we certainly were not welcoming them to "manhood." If they're lucky, that passage will come much later, and sadly, some of them will never experience that line-crossing. But that is a different discussion.

2021 Boys to Men Tucson - Rites of Passage Weekend

The young males on this passage weekend became what we call Journeymen. Meaning we honor the fact that they are leaving boyhood behind and that they are beginning to take their emerging manhood seriously. We, the men of their community, witness, honor, and support that line-crossing. We no longer refer to them as boys, but Journeymen.

Apparently, the adventure these newly minted Journeymen are being launched into is getting to be an even longer road. There is now research to describe a new phase of development called "Emerging Adulthood." This is a life-stage that lies in between adolescence and young adulthood. I think this is important information for those of us working with young men because it explains a lot of what we all have intuitively noticed. It's that the process of becoming a "full-fledged young adult" takes much longer today than it did 50 years ago. In fact, as you'll hear in the video below, thirty really IS the new twenty!

…thirty really IS the new twenty!

Jeffrey Arnett, Ph.D., is a professor in the Department of Psychology at Clark University in Massachusetts. Dr. Arnett believes Emerging Adulthood is a period of development between the ages of 18 to 25 years, which is distinct from adolescence and later stages of adulthood. In his article in Psychology Today titled, The Big Challenge: Jumping From Adolescence Into Adulthood," he articulates five features that support Emerging Adulthood as a distinctly different developmental stage. They are: 1. Identity Exploration, 2. Instability, 3. Self-focus, 4. Feeling In-between, and 5. The Age of Possibilities.

In this video Dr. Arnett describes this unique time in a young persons' life. See if it's a fit for your experience of young men today:

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

Does this video on how our young males are moving toward adulthood feel right to you?

Let me know by posting a comment on this post below.

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December 3, 2020

Watch A Young Man's Rite of Passage Weekend

Lisa Ling, the CNN filmmaker of This is Life with Lisa Ling, just profiled the kind of Rites of Passage work with young guys I've been involved in for the last 20+ years. If you're curious about what that kind of experience can look like for the men and the boys involved, her Lost Boys episode (below) is a good example.

What you'll see in the video is what 60 good men can create for 40+ young males on the Young Men's Ultimate Weekend, or YMUW. The video really gets into the passage experience for the boys at about 20 minutes into the story, but the front end is worth watching. The YMUW is certainly not the only approach to supporting boys stepping across a line on their journey toward manhood, but it's a solid model of a Rite of Passage experience for a young male.

I did feel a little reluctance seeing some of the workings of the weekend uncovered. That's only because not knowing what's going to happen creates a transformational chemistry for the boys. That said, I love the fact that this model of how men can show up for boys and its impact is out there in the world.

In my view, we need lots more of these YMUW experiences, or something very much like it, to deal with the epidemic of under-male-nourished boys in the world. In my experience, all the males involved in these experiences are always changed very much for the better as a result.

. . .the epidemic of under-male-nourished boys. . .

Interesting note: Lisa is the only woman in 25 years to have been allowed to witness the Young Men's Ultimate Weekend.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link.

If exposure to this way of working with young men inspires you, give me a shout

and let's talk about it. Passage experiences can be created for large groups, a few boys, or perhaps just for one young man in your family or community.

I know the boys are waiting!

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October 23, 2020

What One Good Man Can Do

During these and sometimes dark days, when we are all being challenged in so many ways, I've been looking for those bright rays of light that give me hope and inspiration. My friend Ashanti Branch and his very good work with and for young men is one of those stories.

A simple Google search on Ashanti will deliver lots of great information on the man, his PBS interviews, TED talks, and the Ever Forward organization he's built. But I really like THIS ARTICLE on him from his college, Cal Poly, where he actually studied to be a Civil Engineer. It's a tale of how, if you're paying attention, Spirit can guide you to just the right place and work. It's also a beautiful story about how large a positive difference in the world one good man, just being himself, can create.

If you could use a day-brightener, check out the article.

Thanks Ashanti, for being you, and for showing up so strongly for so many of "our" young men.

Learn more about Ashanti's work at everforwardclub.org

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November 11, 2019

How to Hold Discussion Groups With Kids

If you're a fan of this blog, you know how dedicated I am to having adult men sitting in conversation circles with young guys. I've been at it for almost 20 years and I believe it is one of the most boy-civilizing, healing, emotionally rich, and joyful things a man can do. "Getting real" as the boys describe it, today is called building their Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) capacity. By any name being in conversation with young men is an extraordinarily positive thing for all the males involved.

As a helpful tool for people interested in working with young people in this way, Jean Sunde Peterson's new edition of her book, How (and Why) to Get Students Talking, is a rich resource. She teaches readers how to conduct "guided conversations." She prepares facilitators for the activity with introductory training and needed background materials. If you're wondering what you'll be talking about, she also provides 78 templates for discussion on a wide range of important topics.

Here's my take on just some of Peterson's list of the Social and Emotional learning that comes from discussions in groups of kids and (trained) adults:

Recognizing the importance of listening
Recognizing the importance of both verbal and nonverbal skills in conversation
Being able to “grab the moment” to compliment someone
Being able to express compassion and appreciation
Recognizing when it is wise to ask for help
Avoiding assumptions about the thoughts (of others)
Recognizing that everyone is constantly developing—and probably struggling with something
Understanding that teens who seem confident may not feel self-assured
Recognizing that everyone feels stressed, angry, worried, sad, and socially inept at times

You can use this link to order a copy of How (and Why) to Get Students Talking, and if you're interested in or have questions about circles with young guys, give me a shout.

Trust me, the boys are waiting.

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December 19, 2018

Man-Making Stories from Around the World - 2

This is a continuation of my collection of Man-Making stories from around the U.S. and the world. The stories are about the challenges of building strong young men and the men who have stepped into the work to support them.

“A program teaching emotional intelligence
and preventative mental health to boys...”

Australia: The Man Cave initiative, started by Hunter Johnson, was created to help remedy mental health issues and increasing suicide rates in young Australian men. The Man Cave provides in-school mentoring to thousands of boys across the country, as they struggle with their identity in a so-called 'boys culture'. A great video talking about the issue of suicide for boys under 25, and men helping boys to develop support and their emotional tools, is at this link.

C.H.A.M.P.S. Male Mentoring program in Chicago: Vondale Singleton started the C.H.A.M.P.S program to help black and Latino boys excel in the classroom. He knew firsthand that mentoring matters because it changed his life. You can watch an impressive video about the program at this link. For more information about the C.H.A.M.P.S. Male Mentoring program, visit their website.

South Carolina - Annual "Men's Day: Imagine 100 men and young guys, in pairs, walking into the Mount Sinai Missionary Baptist Church sanctuary. What a powerful way to show the congregation the importance of good men in young men's lives. This annual "Men's Day" service draws men from distant South Carolina faith communities who are demonstrating to the world what it looks like when men accept their responsibility as man-makers in boys' lives. Read the article at this link.

“If we’re going to change outcomes for women,
we’ve got to look at how we’re socializing our boys.”

Vashon Island, Washington - Journeymen: Nicky Wilks is the executive director of the Vashon Island-based nonprofit organization, Journeymen. Among their activities is an initiatory experience for boys and young men. Nicky says, “We have a deep process to work around refining and reclaiming statements about identity, so that when young people come back from this experience and are asked, ‘who are you,’ they have a very secure sense of self.” He says, “When someone has a strong sense of self, that becomes an anchor point for the rest of what they do in the world.” To learn more about the Journeymen organization, their history and work, read his article.

If this clip doesn't show up use this link

.
Orange County, California - Boys 2 Men mentoring program and Salt of Heaven (for girls) are improving the lives of dozens of children in Orange County. "We felt that it was our duty, our job to step in to help raise these boys who may be fatherless and have not encountered consistency ever in life, We are consistent. We're there, supporting in the school, supporting at home, whatever way possible. We try to be there for these boy to help keep them out of trouble." Check out the article here.

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January 21, 2025

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