The term homie, as it relates to another person, is an urban slang abbreviation of home boy. A home boy is a guy who your really care about, feel a deep bond with, and who would do anything for you. A really trusted ally and friend, who is from your neighborhood, hometown, or part of your inner circle of friends. When I heard about a mentoring organization for fatherless boys called Big Homie Lil Homie, it really got my attention. I think we all need a few homies around us!
I think we all need a few homies around us!
Jamal Stroud, the man who started Big Homie Lil Homie, was a guy, who as a child, was lost in the South Carolina foster care system until the age of six. He was moved to six different foster homes in his first six years, and sometimes physically and sexually abused. He said it wasn't until his aunt finally adopted him that he was able to actually understand love. His is a story of how so much good can come from one man's trauma.
. . . shaping them into GREAT men of society.
Jamal started the non-profit Big Homie Lil Homie in 2017. It's purpose was molding and shaping fatherless boys, six to sixteen, into "GREAT men of society through mentoring." After a 2019 appearance on the Ellen Show, things really took off. Today the program has more than fifty mentors and six-hundred young men from the Columbia and Lexington, S.C. areas.
Today, Jamal Stroud is a married father of two. But out of the pain of his childhood, he is creating a program in which boys and men can find friendship, brotherhood, and lots of homies! You can learn more about Jamal's Big Homie Lil Homie program on their website
(and see the clip from the Ellen Show too).
Officer homie! Here's another homie who just happens to be a cop. In a beautiful example of community policing, Officer AJ (Anthony Johnson @ohnoitsdapopo) is working hard to connect with the young people in his community. He says "I grew up on the same streets I now protect." I think that makes him a home boy in uniform. Check out this video and see what you think. I think he's connecting big time!
Here's one more clip of officer AJ homie going one-on-one with a kid on the street. Turn up the volume to hear what he's layin down.
How do we clone this officer?
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The Robeson County Parks and Recreation Department in Lumberton, North Carolina, has a L.I.F.E. Mentoring Program for young guys aged 9-15. The L.I.F.E. program mission is: "To holistically develop youth in our communities, in the areas of life & relational skills, education, leadership, and qualifications that lead to becoming productive citizens." L.I.F.E. stands for Leadership Influence Family Empowerment.
I do like how this free mentoring program is teaching young men some of skills the mentors think a young guy on the edge of young adulthood should learn. In addition to much more, just a few of the skills taught include things like how to balance a checkbook, properly tie a necktie, and even proper table etiquette!
In a 2012 Man-Making Blog post, I proposed a list of developmental experiences for young guys. Experiences that would grow their understanding of the world around them and certainly drive important conversations. While my list was abbreviated and a little short on the very practical skills (how to shave, change a tire, replace a toilet flapper, etc.), I described the kinds of activities would certainly inform a young man's journey toward manhood.
In the L.I.F.E. Mentoring Program, the mentors check in with the boys weekly, and meet at least once per month in-person. A really nice touch is that the young men get to "shadow" their adult mentor. So many young males I've encountered (and who are in trouble) don't have a man in the house or even in his life. Shadowing a man gives a young man a much-needed look into man's world, seeing what real men actually do, learning how they got to where they are, and then having the conversations about what it takes to become a good man.
"I think we can reach more than we lose."
The Robeson County District Attorney, Matt Scott, said, "It can help us reach these young people before they make bad decisions." He went on to say, "I think we can reach more than we lose." Sad testimony to what can happen to young guys without adult male guidance.
I know the young guys are hungry for it and are waiting.
In Minneapolis and in too many other of our communities we're seeing the consequences of young men gone wild. Any focused attention on our pre-adult males by caring men would certainly be helpful. I know the young guys are hungry for it and I know they are waiting.
If you want more information about the L.I.F.E. mentoring program, call 910-671-3156 or 910-301-2272. You can also email Anthony Govan at anthony.govan@co.robeson.nc.us
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Locking away his cell phone in a wooden box was the first challenge 17-year-old PJ had to face on his 5-day Rites of Passage (ROP) experience. He and his father got to the wilderness camp after a 10-hour drive from Canberra, the capital city of Australia. Like so many of these encounters, the wild and remote bush setting added to the power and gravity of the passage event.
From my experience, once a Rites of Passage event is launched, all the males present, but especially the young guys, naturally drop into the seriousness of the occasion. Everyone gets that something important is happening and they soon find their right place in the ancient drama. It was no different for the thirty other fathers and sons (or male mentors - uncles, stepdads, or family friends of a young man), who attended the camp with PJ and Peter. The group was made up of guys who came from across Australia to be present to honor a group of young males transitioning into manhood.
Clearly you can’t make men out of boys in five days.
Clearly you can’t make men out of boys in five days. What you can do is:
Let them know that you see and welcome their emerging manhood.
You can encourage the young men to take the changes going on in them seriously and invite them to consider some of the responsibilities waiting for them.
You can challenge the young guys with activities which contain "think about it" lessons about becoming a man.
You and the other men can share stories about your adolescent years, and what you've learned along the way.
Finally, you and the other men can witness and honor the gifts and talents you see in the young males.
For young men, being witnessed in those ways, by thirty or so adult men, is a compelling and transformational experience. It is also powerful and transformational for the adult men witnessing the young males.
You can read more about PJ and Peter's Rites of Passage camp experience in a recent Canberra City News article. The article discusses some of the camp activities, the kinds of topics covered in conversations, and the role of rituals in the process. If you want to learn more about Peter's experience you can email him at peter.lennon@mhf.org.au You can also visit the Reconxted Facebook page to learn more about this group's approach to Rites of Passage.
On the Man-Making Blog you can read more about various kinds of Rites of Passage experiences diverse groups have taken to support their adolescent boys during this important transition time. Note: These examples are taken from twenty years of posts and not all links and videos are still available.
If you're inspired to do something similar, even if it's on a much smaller scale, feel free to contact me.
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Lisa Ling, the CNN filmmaker of This is Life with Lisa Ling, just profiled the kind of Rites of Passage work with young guys I've been involved in for the last 20+ years. If you're curious about what that kind of experience can look like for the men and the boys involved, her Lost Boys episode (below) is a good example.
What you'll see in the video is what 60 good men can create for 40+ young males on the Young Men's Ultimate Weekend, or YMUW. The video really gets into the passage experience for the boys at about 20 minutes into the story, but the front end is worth watching. The YMUW is certainly not the only approach to supporting boys stepping across a line on their journey toward manhood, but it's a solid model of a Rite of Passage experience for a young male.
I did feel a little reluctance seeing some of the workings of the weekend uncovered. That's only because not knowing what's going to happen creates a transformational chemistry for the boys. That said, I love the fact that this model of how men can show up for boys and its impact is out there in the world.
In my view, we need lots more of these YMUW experiences, or something very much like it, to deal with the epidemic of under-male-nourished boys in the world. In my experience, all the males involved in these experiences are always changed very much for the better as a result.
. . .the epidemic of under-male-nourished boys. . .
Interesting note: Lisa is the only woman in 25 years to have been allowed to witness the Young Men's Ultimate Weekend.
If exposure to this way of working with young men inspires you, give me a shout
and let's talk about it. Passage experiences can be created for large groups, a few boys, or perhaps just for one young man in your family or community.
I know the boys are waiting!
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In too many communities, there are no or few "boy places." Think about it, where are those places in your neighborhood or community where boys can hang out, be boys, burn off energy, and have fun?Where are the places where boys won't scare the local population (or law enforcement) and attract negative attention? If we're talking out doors, it's often either a basketball court or a skateboard park. That's if the boys are lucky. This is a story about a skateboard park and one motivated man who get's it.
Mark Crothers, is just "a guy" and native resident of Algonac, Michigan. He received the Algonac Asset Award from the Mayor and city council for rejuvenating the town's skate board park. Mark said that prior to the skate park's construction in 2001, he and other guys, "...couldn’t skate anywhere without being stopped by local police and/or business owners...." That's when Mark and others raised the money to build the skate park.
This last year Mark realized the almost 20-year-old skate park was hurting. As the Mayor said when giving out the award, “Mark has fond memories of the park and sprang into action when it fell into disrepair.” Mark gathered up a dozen or so people of different ages, again raised some money, and together they seriously buffed up the park. They even got three artists to come out and create, "...murals and graffiti art throughout the ramps."
...a robust role model demonstrating leadership and compassion...
When she gave out the award, the Mayor described how, during the process, Mark had been, "...a robust role model demonstrating leadership and compassion to the younger skaters who use it now." The Mayor also honored the young boys who helped with the skate park redo, calling them individually to the front of the room and presenting them with certificates. How awesome is THAT in this age when too many young males are highlighted for bad behavior and demeaned by the media?
In closing the award ceremony, the Mayor and others offered a number of powerful predictions and blessings. One I really like came from Mayor Pro Tem, Rocky Gillis. He said, “Every time a person steps up and volunteers to help something, they own a little piece of that,... Every one of those kids that helped now are going to be the ones that make sure that it stays the way it is for generations to come.”
Mayor Stoneburner said, "... Mark has become a mentor to our own children in this community, ... It doesn’t always happen like this, and I couldn’t be more proud of our community, Mark, and these boys.”
The Mayor also made what I think is a valid prediction. Referring to the boys she said, “They’re seeing how to mentor, they’re learning how to do this, and when they grow up, they’re going to be up here with a crew of kids helping them having done something,” ... “I’m just sure of it. Thank you so much, gentlemen.”
Isn't this an amazing and wonderful story about the impact one motivated man rallying a few allies, can have in the lives of a lot of boys and in the life of his community. You can read the whole story in The Voice, an online Newspaper about Algonac and the surrounding area.
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I just LOVE the stories of what one inspired man and some of his brothers in mission can create. In a way, it's nothing special, just good and caring men doing what men have done naturally, forever . . . show the young men what it means to be a man.
Tray Taylor, of the Males 2 Men (M2M) mentoring program in Kansas City, MO. describes the M2M mission this way, "Males 2 Men (has) one purpose in mind: To raise strong, conscious, productive men, and re-establish responsible, accountable leadership in the community."
. . . just good and caring men doing what men have done naturally, forever. . .
Just looking at their Facebook photos will tell you the whole story. The boys get experience using tools and building things, gardening, car repair, cleaning up their community, gutting and grilling fish, learning about what men do from visiting speakers, and much, much more. In addition to meetings and outdoor learning experiences, in the photos you'll see Mr. Taylor hosting up to 20 kids at his home most Monday evenings. They hang out, get help with homework, learn things, have fun, and eat dinner together (always a great strategy for boys).
My experience is that once men get over their fears, time spent with boys is not at all hard for men to do, and it all comes naturally. Everything just falls into place in the pack of males when the men show up. It does take a commitment and the desire to not just save the boys in your community, but to support them in eventually becoming good and capable men. "It's important to show (the kids) the pitfalls out there in the community — what not to do, what to do; be a leader, not a follower," Taylor said, "We're able to tap into something, things that we went through, and try to lead them through a different path or show them something different."
I loved the story about how at one meeting one of the men, Smoke, ". . .went over the electrical schematics on a truck, he taught the boys how to check the tire pressure and learn about all of the different parts under the hood. . ." That made me happy, because no one ever did that form me. I remember the first time as a teen when I caught a whiff of the air that comes out of a tire when you try to bring it up to the right pressure. Nothing else smells like that. It's just great that the men were helping the boys understand the many mysteries under the hood and around the vehicle.
The Males 2 Men mentoring program is free and open to boys between the ages of 7 and 19. There are seven male mentors working with Mr. Taylor. As he says about these adult men (and everyone reading this post), "Everybody has a part to play," . . ."It just depends on what part they want to play."
"...change the narrative of the nation for young black males!"
If you're not yet ready to step up to support young guys in some way in your community, you can help the M2M men in their work. Make a small (or large) donation on their Go Fund Me campaign. It's a great cause, you will be helping a lot, and you'll be doing something to change the world.
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For years I've been writing about how so many of our young boys need the support and guidance from non-parental adults. In some ways, it's a replacement for, or addition to, the approach of surrounding them with extended family and "it takes a village...," that used to be how raising kids was naturally done. The basic idea is providing kids with this kind of exposure to caring adults in schools!
"...the new norm for education..."
The genius in this idea is that schools are where the boys are corralled and where we can get their attention. This is what one New Jersey high school principal, profiled in my last blog post, described as, "...the new norm for education..." where we put, "...some loving people in the (school) building...."
In my winter home in Arizona, I'm working with Boys to Men Tucson, where a big part of our programming is putting trained and background-checked men into middle and high schools. They offer support group experiences to young men aged 12-17 during the school day. The academic data we've collected, the boy's reports, the praise from the schools, and the feedback from parents all tell us this is clearly an idea whose time has come.
Participants in The Gentlemen's Agreement
A recent article in The Wilson Times, from Wilson, North Carolina, describes a similar program for boys called, The Gentlemen's Agreement. This program was started at the high school level and has now moved into two elementary schools. They know it's working because when you can get a fifth grader to say he has "learned to take responsibility for his actions," you have clearly and positively altered the trajectory of that young man's life.
The Gentlemen's Agreement program offers career inventories, has conversations about college or other careers, teaches leadership skills, and covers heady ideas like what it takes to become a good man! Who would you, dear reader, be today if you had exposure to these ideas when you were in the 5th grade? You can read all about this wonderful program in The Wilson Times article.
On the Man-Making Blog, if you put the word "school" into the right sidebar search window, you will find many years' worth of descriptions of school-based programs like The Gentlemen's Agreement for boys. What all these programs have in common is they need people like you to help them run. I like to say that what the boys need and really want is time with gloriously imperfect men, who care enough about our young guys to show up.
"Because you're still reading this post, it means you're interested and qualified..."
If not yet, this idea of supporting boys in schools will soon be arriving in your community. Because you're still reading this post, it means you're interested and qualified to participate. You could start now by asking around about volunteer opportunities at a school near you. Or maybe you can start a boy's group in a school! If you're interested, give me a shout, and we can talk about how to do it.
What I know for sure is that the boys are waiting for men, just like you, to appear and make a difference in their lives.
CONTACT EARL:Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm also available to help you bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization. FACEBOOK SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)
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In the clip below, listen to one of my heroes, Akbar Cook, the principal of West Side High School in Newark, New Jersey. He says, "Let's put some loving people in the building...." If he is right, and this is, "...the new norm for education...," we all have a place in his vision and some work to do.
CONTACT EARL:Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm also available to help you bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization. FACEBOOK SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)
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I've posted here previously about Father Greg Boyle, because without knowing him, I love him. He is simply one of my heroes in the work of standing for others who need and deserve our attention and support. I love his message describing his incredible work with gang members through his organization, Homeboy Industries. His message of compassion and acceptance is always able to touch my heart, and inspires me to action.
See what this short clip taken from his talk at a Pepperdine University commencement event does for and to you?
If this clip doesn't show up use this link for the full version.
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On the CNN website, Inside Africa, there is an article with a wonderful description of how some good men in South Africa are supporting and inviting young males to look at the collection of men's issues being called toxic masculinity.
The article describes men meeting with boys in Pankop, a small town in eastern South Africa. They call their not-for-profit organization the Young Men's Movement, and their work is to create safe spaces for conversations about manhood in schools, local churches, and even gardens in their town.
. . . the men are hoping to build a "different generation of men."
Kabelo Chabalala, a group leader says ". . . teaching men to "respect women" is a crucial part of the group's aim." In a country where the rate of femicide is three times the global norm, and rape culture "ever-present," by stepping into action the men are hoping to build a "different generation of men."
Check out the CNN article and learn more about what these courageous men are doing for boys, men, women, and their community.
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One really creative initiative for keeping at risk boys out of jail was described in an article in the Milwaukee Neighborhood News (MNN). It's about a rolling jail cell on wheels! The mobile cell is part of the work of the Phenomenal Men’s Support Group (PMSG), a nonprofit dedicated to, ". . . helping youth make good decisions that lead to positive futures."
Johnson “Smithy” Chapman, a PMSG member, describes how they partnered with the Milwaukee County Sheriff’s Department to create the “Cell on Wheels.” For the last six years, the group has taken their rolling jail cell to neighborhood events to show young people what it’s like to be incarcerated. They routinely visit community events including church gatherings, school events, and block parties.
Mr. Chapman said most of the PMSG members are men in their 50s. Like him, most are military veterans, and some have suffered negative life consequences, including incarceration because of substance abuse or drug dealing. After serving in Vietnam, Chapman himself struggled with PTSD and substance abuse, which led to a three-year jail sentence.
As the young people visit the rolling cell, the PMSG men are there telling them stories, encouraging them take their education seriously, and become contributing members of society. By creating Cell on Wheels, Mr. Chapman says he hopes to, ". . . shatter misconceptions and provide a clear picture of life in prison."
In this audio clip, Mr. Chapman describes what the PMSG men are doing:
To read the whole story about these men and their great idea, go to the full article in the Milwaukee Neighborhood News at this link.
"...use your life's experience to create a better world..."
What a great way to make a point to vulnerable youngsters, and to use your life's experience to create a better world at the same time. The PMSG men are doing their part to reduce youth incarceration and the school to prison pipeline. I can't help but wonder what our communities would be like if all men showed up sharing their important life experience with our boys in some way.
I honor the good men of the truly Phenomenal Men’s Support Group. Thank you for stepping up. You are all truly phenomenal!
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One of my brother's in mission is Dick Baker, a member of JourneymenUK. It's a group or men providing Rites of Passage Adventure (RoPA) experiences for young men in the United Kingdom. The organization describes their work this way:
Our Rite of Passage Adventure is a transformational weekend for boys aged 14 to 17, offering them the chance to take a bold step towards becoming the kind of man they want to be. The RoPA is a three day event designed to give the boys of our community the challenge and support they need as they begin their journey to adulthood. We model healthy boundaries, creative co-operation, the capacity to transform and embody strong emotions positively and compassionately, and we challenge the boys to face themselves and their future with courage, humor and integrity.
"...we challenge the boys to face themselves and their future with courage, humor and integrity."
Here is what Dick said about JourneymenUK's most recent annual RoPA:
We've just returned from our 7th UK RoPA. Thirty-five staff came together to create the conditions for fifteen new JMen (Journeymen) to find something they need within themselves and get seriously blessed along the way. It was, as always, an awesome and awe inspiring weekend.
We had the homecoming last night which was moving and heartfelt – to witness a boy talk about his experience in front of his community, being truly seen and blessed, maybe for the first time, even by a parent, is quite something.
After many years of trying, this year we had a women’s blessing for staff at the RoPA. After a days container building and before the boys arrived, 10 or 12 women showed up and held the men in circle and blessed them – it was a quite extraordinary and moving moment.
Once again I’m left knowing this work does change the world and maybe it is sometimes even a matter of life and death.
The video Dick sent just below is powerful testimony, in the boy's own words, about the impact of this kind of experience during this time in their lives.
My guess, if you're a man watching this video, you'll have something like one of the following reactions:
"I'm glad some men are doing something those boys!"
"I wish I would have had something like that growing up!"
"I know a kid who could really use an experience like that about now."
The experience of having a group of men help a boy make a positive crossing into manhood is powerful, and sadly still a rarity in most cultures. Today, young males, who are being propelled toward manhood by their body chemistry, are left with self-initiation, finding their own, often twisted path toward becoming a man. Sadly, the results are often tragic for boys, families and our communities.
"I know a kid..."
If you're curious about this form of men's work, or if you have any comments, send me a message. You never know what an inspired man or group of men might create that could change a young man's life.
CONTACT EARL:Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm also available to help you bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization. FACEBOOK SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)
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I haven't been posting for a long while and you deserve to know why there has been so much blank space and quiet on the Man-Making Blog.
My truth is that as a result of the election outcome in the US and what's happened since, I've had my world view pretty severely shaken up. It appears that much of the world I inhabit is more angry, fearful, and willing to be more selfish and mean-spirited than I used to believe.
I personally know about the danger of being sucked into a vortex of negative thinking. In an New York Times article titled, "The Year of Conquering Negative Thinking," psychologist Rick Hanson reminds us that “We were built to over learn from negative experiences, but under learn from positive ones.” Part of my personal life's work, as the article describes, has been to, ". . . learn to disrupt and tame negative cycles."
I think the dissonance stirring in me is what growth feels like.
So very simply stated, it's taken me a while to understand and accept the magnitude of what, for me, is a new reality. Yes, I do know there are plenty of loving, tolerant, generous, accepting, and courageous people around. Yet it's still taken some time for me to find some solid ground to stand on and to begin to figure out what I might want to do differently in the storms of confusing messages. I think the dissonance stirring in me is what growth feels like.
What is already very clear to me is my new world, more than ever, needs good and solid men and women of conviction and character. It needs people who are willing and able to stand strong for themselves, their beliefs, and everyone's rights. Our country and the world need people willing to step forward into visible, vocal, and action-oriented positions in support of what they believe in and value. For me, continuing to publish this blog, encouraging men to be man-makers, and working in communities to support young men as I'm able, are all ways I can do my part to help create a better world.
. . . to ensure fewer boys (and men) are lost in the never-never land between boyhood and manhood.
For the last thirteen years, in various forms and across the country, I have been working with brothers in mission in the man-making business. I have been dedicated to doing what I can to ensure fewer boys (and men) are ". . . lost in the never-never land between boyhood and manhood." As a result, I have seen boys and men find the voice of their deep truths, embrace values of self-respect and respect for others, and witnessed them as they developed the courage to stand up for what for them is right and true. I have seen thousands of good men get over their fears and courageously show up for young guys who are desperate for their influence. I know this is good and necessary work and I feel some urgency that it continues.
As I write this, I'm not sure exactly what I can add to what I've been publishing on these pages to communicate to you the urgency and concern I feel for the consequences of having too many lost young men in our communities. Maybe an increase in focus on what men like you can actually do. Maybe stories about how one gloriously imperfect and unsure man changed the world around him by risking some small action in support of some young men. Possibly some interviews from young guys talking about the difference a man like you or group of men made in their lives. Or maybe hearing from one of the many lost young men I encounter telling you about what it feels like to be without a good man around who cares about him.
You tell me!
You tell me! What would you need to hear or see on these pages to inspire you to action? What would it take to get you to step into the arena? How can I help you hear the call to man-making? If you can name it and it's in my power to create it, I'll make it happen. In the meanwhile, I too will be curious to see what shows up here!
CONTACT:Send Earl a message. I'm very interested in your thoughts on any man-making post or topic. I'm available to help you bring man-making initiatives to your community or organization. FACEBOOK SHARE: If you enjoy this blog, please click the Facebook "Share" button below to support the Man-Making Facebook page! (The button is only on the MM Blog, and not in subscription posts delivered by email.)
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I'm sitting in a boy's high school group across the circle from a young guy whose eyes are darting around the room. He is unconsciously biting his fingernails, and his right leg is continuously bouncing at a ferocious pace. Let’s call him Joe. Looking at Joe, it feels to me like I’m watching a wild animal that has been backed into a corner. I’ve known that kind of agitation as a teen and recognize what’s underneath. For the first few weeks of the group, whenever it was Joe’s turn to speak, he’d usually say there's nothing much going on in his life. We see a lot of guys like Joe.
Looking at Joe, it feels to me like I’m watching a wild animal that has been backed into a corner.
So much of what happens in the group is about working against the male stereotypes that say, man up, be tough, don’t show your pain, and just play hurt. It’s those messages that are at the core of Joe’s limited ability to really understand and work with his internal emotional life. More about Joe at the end of this post.
Teenage males like Joe have no choice but to live through the often difficult challenges of their home life, complex and mystifying social relationships, academic demands, and the multiple losses that are a common part of a young man's adolescence. Without a safe place, permission, and support to risk emotional expression, the internal pressure can only build. With no positive avenues for release, they become emotionally pressurized like Joe, a kind of human volcano. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised to see impatience, restlessness, anger, bullying, explosive violence, or the even the darker side of unexpressed feelings, hopelessness and depression.
With no positive avenues for release, they become emotionally pressurized like Joe, a kind of human volcano.
Mark Greene is the Executive Editor at The Good Men Project (GMP) and the author of a great new book, Remaking Manhood. In an article for GMP Mark offers us a beautifully simple graphic which begins to explain the trap in which young guys like Joe and so many men, are caught. It describes how, starting from early childhood, boys are taught to suppress their emotions and narrow their range of expression. Mark calls it The Male Emotional Suppression Cycle (MESC).
Some real life examples of the costs of The Male Emotional Suppression Cycle for men come from an article and video recently published in the UK HUFFPOST Lifestyle section. In the article by Kenny Mammarella-D'Cruz, titled Man Up!, he describes the wrenching emotional impact of a significant loss in his family life when he was a young man, how poorly he dealt with it, and the costs to him well into his adult life.
Kenny was also one of the men profiled in a powerful four minute documentary on BBC3 Online titled "It's Tough Being A Man." In the short video below, thirteen men describe the pressures they faced to be silent in the face of trauma in their lives, and why for them, it's tough being a man in Britain today.
I'm hoping you're beginning to understand the importance of helping young men like Joe to get an early start on developing an emotional vocabulary and the ability to be vulnerable enough to use it in the right places.
You might be happy to hear Joe has continued to attend the school support group. It has taken weeks for him to learn to trust the men and other guys. The stories others have shared helped him to know he’s not alone in what he’s facing. Over time, Joe has given us a peek into his world. Gradually we’ve learned about his absent parents, his need to be always on guard in his violent neighborhood, and the very real fear he carries for his safety and that of his little brother and sister. Joe has started to unpack himself, decompress a little, and in the process, developed some allies who understand and care.
If guys (of any age) can find their way to a safe, non-judgmental, and supportive group where emotional truth is shared, there is enormous normalizing and healing power available. When that happens, men and boys no longer have to be alone with their fears, traumas, or shame. As a bonus, they also find a place to celebrate their joys and successes. I'm pretty sure there's a group like that near you if you can find the courage to go looking.
And then, how about showing up for the Joes in your world so they don't have to wait until mid-life to unpack themselves and find good adult male allies? If you’d like to talk about how to start a group for young guys, send me a quick message. All it takes is the courage to take the next step in that direction, and you just might find yourself making a big difference in some male lives. You can be sure the young men are waiting for you to show up!
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I just came from sitting with a group of teen males in a Boys to Men high school support group. My heart is open and full, I'm in awe, and I'm feeling very proud of the boys and men in the group.
The organization I'm with, the Desert Men's Council, has been in this school for three years now and we've developed a history with many of the boys. Each semester, when we restart the group, new young men show up and jump right in.
On my list of what I continue to find amazing about these groups and the young guys in them includes the following:
How much wisdom these young guys have accumulated in their short lives.
How very naive they are about so many of the realities of life. How much they really don't know or understand about the world because of a lack of modeling and intentional guidance.
How quickly they seem willing to trust us men, especially when so many of them have taken serious damage from the adult men in their lives.
How hard it is see the difficulty they have in thinking through the long-term consequences of their choices. We men know, and even some of the young guys know, they don't have a fully wired brain. But still they continue to steam along, fueled by testosterone, and making what are often foolish and sometimes dangerous choices.
Their willingness to be honest about the very difficult challenges they are facing. They are almost always willing to quickly drop the mask of teen bravado and share the hard stuff they are so tired of keeping bottled up inside.
How they ripen with the praise and honoring the men liberally offer. You can almost watch their self-esteem straightening their spines and making them stronger.
What amazing resilience and courage they display in the face of the wrenching losses, real fears, and deep disappointments that are so much a part of their lives.
These are just some of the reasons for me to be in awe of these young men. I feel honored to be witness to such strength and courage. I'm reminded of the words from one memorable movie, "You make me want to be a better man." I love the fact that being "me," my gloriously imperfect self, and just showing up as a man who cares about them, is all that's required.
You make me want to be a better man.
While I'm still in the afterglow of the group experience, in no particular order, here's my quick list of nine things boys need and get from school groups with men. Most of these were present in today's group:
A safe place to speak their truth. Any truth. The truth which if kept in the dark and secret places will do serious damage over a lifetime.
Adult male allies - men who are on their side and want the best for them.
Solid support for their existing life challenges. Everything from their family interactions, friendships, trouble with the girls in their lives, gang challenges, money problems, value based choices, and feeling/being lonely.
Good information about life/being a man.
An evolving vision of positive manhood. Having a picture created of the attributes of a good man, a man you'd respect and who'd be a role model for you.
Development of emotional vocabulary – Having a language to describe the complex emotional experiences and feelings they are having. Having a place to have feelings and not be negatively judged.
A place to decompress, to un-shame, to not be alone with the anger and pain, talk about age specific, maturity level appropriate, and life challenge relevant issues.
Belonging: In a school full of cliques, in group we are all brothers, alike, included, valued, and honored. Having other guys who are so much more that just a "what’s up?" friend.
A place to practice being a man - where they can try on being the man they want to become. Practice showing up with authenticity, accountability, responsibility, speaking directly/assertively, supporting others, receiving praise and constructive feedback, etc.
There's lots more, of course, this is just what's in my mind and heart after today's group.
If you want to talk about how you might become "a better man," from putting your gloriously imperfect self in contact with some young guys, give me a shout. I absolutely know it will change you for the better and I absolutely know the young guys are waiting for a guy, just like you, to show up.
I absolutely know the young guys are waiting for a guy, just like you, to show up.
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When yet another senseless crime took the life of an inner-city teen and struck at the heart of yet another community, news anchor Charlene Israel (now Charlene Aaron), realized she had to do something. So she got together with some other very good people from her community and started The ReUp Rap Contest. The ReUP is a hip-hop competition designed to promote change in the 7 Cities area of Virginia. This extremely important first step launched an amazing community initiative that changed the lives of many young men and touched many others in her community.
WHAT CAN WE DO TO REACH KIDS,
TO BRING THIS COMMUNITY TOGETHER?
"The ReUp" is a documentary film about that competition. It was filmed and edited by Lion'El with music by A-Rock and Just Archie. The film follows the evolution of the hip-hop competition and represents over a year of hard work, heartache, blood, sweat, and tears to create. It is a beautiful story of a community's trauma and loss. It's also the story of the actions people took to heal and support their kids and their community.
It's well worth your time to watch and actually witness the changes as street kids become proud, new young rappers. They have different levels of skill, but each of them has a powerful, often emotional story to tell. You'll hear lyrics of anger, sadness, and hopelessness, which wouldn't have otherwise been expressed. We would have been left with a pressurized and angry young man in the street. I'm reminded of the quote from Dr. William Pollack, author of the book, Real Boys, when he said, “If we don’t let our boys cry tears, they’ll cry bullets.” In this documentary, you'll hear how The ReUp has allowed these young guys to finally have a voice, a way to speak the truth about their lives that we all need to hear.
Warning: The full YouTube video (below) will only be available for a short time.
Rules of The ReUp Rap contest:
Lyrical content must not contain:
swearing, violence/gunplay
objectification of women and other negative imagery.
Overall theme: "Love Your Neighbor"
Like the news anchor Charlene Aaron, Just Archie, also known as Archie "Van" Boone, is a powerful and creative youth advocate and educator. His music forms some of the background for the film. He believes in rap as an art form and a communication tool that can speak to the challenged youth in our cities. Archie is the founder of R.A.P Therapy and co-founder of The Shoutout Music Therapy Program. You can contact Archie Boone at itsjustarchie@yahoo.com and purchase music by A-rock and Just Archie at this link.
. . . they heard a more powerful call to do something to support all "our" kids and their communities.
Archie "Van" Boone is a one-man tour-de-force, positively and relentlessly influencing young lives and bettering his community. Charlene Aaron also stepped up because "we have to do something!" Because of their courage and willingness to act, people like Archie and Charlene are my Man-Making heroes. They are just like you, except maybe they heard a more powerful call to do something to support all "our" kids and their communities.
Blessings on Archie, Charlene, and all of the other heroes and sheroes who take action . . . and also blessings on those of you who will be inspired to "do something" in your community.
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We've all heard a lot about bullies. I was bullied mercilessly as a small kid when I was in elementary school. I'll bet you were too. For me the bullying was emotional and occasionally physical terrorism that played out in the small world of the playground and halls of my elementary school. I was one of those kids who, on some days, played sick to avoid the big kids and their taunting. That was long before anti-bullying programs. But that's not what this post is about.
. . . maybe it's not enough to just stop bad behavior . . .
There is certainly a need for anti-bullying programs, but maybe it's not enough to just stop bad behavior. Perhaps we should be creating something new and positive to replace it! For the moment, let's call that new, non-bullying behavior reverse-bullying. I'll have some other names for this new behavior at the end. Reverse-bullying is what I found in this story about a small pack of really awesome fifth grade boys. With the help of some inspired adults, these boys intentionally went way beyond anti-bullying and created something totally different and very heart-warming.
In the story from KARE 11 TV, you'll read about how the boys created an initiative that's pro-vulnerable kids. They are a boy pack, yet they are almost unique in that they chose not to bully, but to intentionally protect, support, and include a vulnerable kid who'd otherwise be an easy bullying target. The video below shows them in action. If you look closely, you'll see some of the many gifts their new pal, James, is getting, and how all the young guys are feeling better about themselves as a result.
. . . let's give this kind of boy behavior a name, and actually teach it . . .!
While I'm really proud of these awesome young guys, it's actually a sad statement about the world when their story makes the news. It's sad because something as wonderful as their acts of love, generosity, and inclusion are so unusual. I say, let's give this kind of boy behavior a name like sponsorship, or incorporation, or pro-friendship, and actually teach it in school! Let's not just be against bullying, but take a stand for behaviors that make a positive difference in kids' lives. Let's start teaching young guys about the benefits of caring for others, standing up for the vulnerable, how to break out of clicks and be inclusive, and how to align with other young guys to make a difference in their school. What kind of adult men will that training eventually create?
What kind of adult men will that training eventually create?
We can only hope these guys and the adults around them are setting a new bar for boys (and girls) in schools everywhere. Meanwhile, kudos, gratitude, and honor to the five young men, Jake, Jack, Gus, Tyler, Landon, and their pal, James, who are so inspirational and give us such a powerful lesson.
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