A New, Year-Long, Rite of Passage for Boys

When I speak to groups of men working with boys, whether it's in mentoring organizations, at churches or conferences, or just groups of men who want to do something for adolescent males, there is always the question of what to do with them. Often, the path that question takes is, how do we keep these guys entertained? While I think that's a fair question to ask, and indeed some fun is important, I think if a young male is on the brink of manhood, it misses the mark a little.

I feel that mixed in with some boy fun, there should be serious lessons about manhood and an opportunity to talk with men about the big issues in life. A few mentoring organizations approach that challenge head on, but it seems to me that too many of them leave it to chance. I'd like to propose the creation of a year-long rite of passage initiation, that is relevant to the times. A path that guarantees boys are exposed to some of the important issues and events that will impact and shape their lives.

I'm suggesting a monthly theme or event for boys and men that is followed up with a group meeting to talk about what happened and help the boys process their experience. I'm trying to stir your thinking here. Consider the impact of these kinds of experiences on an adolescent male:

• A visit to a jail or prison


• Working for a day on a Habitat for Humanity home build


• Going to a stockyard where animals are butchered


• Visiting the local firehouse, learning about the gear, skills, and hearing stories


• A conversation with residents at a battered women's shelter


• Visiting a Vet's hospital where they can talk with severely injured veterans


• Helping out for a few hours at a nursing home serving a meal


• Job shadowing - go to work with a man


• Hearing from women recovering from being prostitutes


• Feeding people at a homeless shelter


• Spending a weekend night at the police station


• Playing paint ball... after a discussion from a veteran about shooting at others


• Hearing a speaker from Alcoholics Anonymous or Debtors Anonymous
  

You get the idea, and I'm sure you have ideas you could add. Ideally, when processed in a multi-generational group of males, these experiences would drive powerful discussions about life, manhood, profession, relationship to women, and responsibility.

After a year or so of these experiences, some opportunities for fun, and directly and indirectly learning from men across the discussion circle, an adolescent male, I think , would really be ready for some form of crossing into manhood ceremony.

What do you think?

What activities would you add to the list?

How would your life be different today if, as an adolescent, you had been surrounded by good men with the focused intention to teach you about life and the journey toward a positive manhood?

Comment on this post below or send me an email.

Please consider sending this along to a man you feel might be interested. We are all learning how to do this from each other, and we need all the good men we can get.

The Child-Man

Kay Hymowitz, a writer for the Dallas Morning News, was recently interviewed on National Public Radio (listen here) about her op-ed article describing her notion of the Child-Man. She's describing 20- to 30-year old child-men whom she feels are are hanging out in a kind of delayed adulthood, living in a new hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance.

Unlike their predecessors, Hymowitz feels these child-men are ignoring the adult male responsibilities of having a serious job, getting married, even having kids and a house.

That sounds similar to the responses I got when when I was doing my research for the Man-Making book. I asked men, What was THE moment in your life when you knew, for sure, that you had become a "man"? You can read the actual responses on the Man-Making website, but an amazing number of men replied that there wasn't a single moment they could remember when they entered manhood, that they never crossed a recognizable line and became a man, and many said they weren't sure they were "men" yet today!

In an article titled 'Generation Next' in the Slow Lane to Adulthood (just below the Hymowitz interview), NPR writer Patti Neighmond quotes Jeffrey Arnett, a developmental psychologist at Clark University. He has coined the term "emerging adult." He's describing the period of 18-25 years old where today's youth are less mature, avoiding adult responsibility, and overly dependent on their parents. Arnett claims a number of cultural changes over the past five decades created this lengthened path to adulthood.

I believe the absence of adult males in boy's lives, as mentors and role models, is at least a contributor to this notion of adolescence lasting into the the thirties for some men. If you're a young male and you've never spent extended time with or around solid adult men, I guess beer, women, and your X-box would be about as good as it gets.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Leave your comment on this blog post. OR, if you're a male and you'd like to tell me when and how you crossed the line into a certain manhood, send me an email and I'll add your contribution to this question in the What Men Say section of the Man-Making website.

Hold On to Your N.U.T.s

In my quest for resources that help build good men, I came across this interesting book by by Wayne M. Levine, M.A., the director of the West Coast Men's Center in Agoura Hills, CA, where he coaches and mentors men, and facilitates men's groups.

The book, Hold On to Your N.U.T.s, in spite of its attention grabbing title, is really about creating solid men boys can admire. N.U.T.s in this case stands for "Non-negotiable, Unalterable, Terms," the things, "that a man is committed to."

Check out the video of the author below having fun being interviewed by the media. You can also go to his website and read snippets of his philosophy, including topics such as Building Communities of Men Without Shame.

For a painfully humorous take on holding on to your NUTS and this book, check out this link. As always, your comments on this post are welcome.

Boys Adrift & Pentecostal Church

I just love the comparison that Leonard Sax makes about how a boy's classroom really should be more like a Pentecostal church service than what exists today. In this very boy literate article from the School Library Journal, he explains why boys very much need a different kind of educational environment because their learning styles are so much different than girls. It's a great read if you care at all about this powerful influence in boy's early development.

Leonard Sax is the author of both Why Gender Matters (Doubleday, 2005), and his most recent book, Boys Adrift (Basic Books, 2007).) In this article, he goes on to describe the "five distinct and independent factors which have driven boys away from books over the past 30 years." If you care about boys, or want to consider what happened to you as a very young male, check out this article.

Thank you for a great 2007.

Blessings on you, yours, our world, and your man-making in 2008.

In service and gratitude,

Earl Hipp