Sir Dude!

I've been traveling a lot these last few weeks, but am back and posting again. On my travels I had occasion to speak to a great group of men in Carson City, Nevada where they are in the early stages of forming a group mentoring / activity based organization called Str8 Street. It's an operation which, in addition to developing strong boys, intends to minimize the call to the gangs in their community. I'll post more about Str8 Street down the road.

In my presentation we had young guys as young as 12 up to Elders in their 70's. I you know me you know I love being in a room with a multi-generational male tribe. During my presentation, I address one very young man as "dude" when asking him a question. It was amazing to me that this young guy had to courage to speak up in a room full of his elders, and I made sure he got a round of applause for being seen and heard. After the program I got an email from an older man who felt that "sir" might have been a more respectful way to address the boy.

I do like that term "Sir." Originating in the days of Knighthood, and still awarded as a title of honor in England, it certainly is an elevating expression. Yet I believe in some circles, like the work "man" so many adolescent males use to address each other, "dude" is a way of saying, "I see the man in you." It is an honoring expression.

After a few exchanges, it turned out that the man who sent me the email had been an Eagle Scout, and later in his life attended the U. S. Naval Academy. Both of those experiences are powerful forces for instilling a strong sense of respect for others.

Personally, after this "wake up call," I'm thinking I'm just going to pay more attention to the word "Sir," in my vocabulary when addressing males of any age. As I've gotten older, I'm hearing it pointed at me more often and liking it. Can't imagine other men wouldn't also.

Then there is always Sir Dude!

What do you think?

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Just One Day for At-Risk Kids

I love the idea that someone could just donate a day, or even part of a day, to help at-risk kids. In the world of people working with that youth population, it's universally hard to get people to step up for one-on-one mentoring or other forms of longer term commitments to kids, especially for boys. The idea of getting lots of people to donate just one day really appeals to me. That's what the folks at Youth Guidance in Chicago are doing.

Youth Guidance has been providing supportive services for at-risk kids in Chicago for a long time . . . 86 years to be exact, and they have a comprehensive menu of services. It's their Donate A Day program that recently caught my attention. As they say about the Donate a Day program, ". . . volunteering no longer needs to be a major sacrifice." In this creative program, an adult or a group can show up for a day to paint a classroom, help with a book drive, or have the staff at Youth Guidance customize a project just for you. They will even come up with a date and time that works for you and/or your group. Because Youth Guidance works with over 70 Chicago schools, there is no shortage of opportunities for involvement on your day of service. Give us a call, they say, and then show up for a day to make a difference in the lives of Chicago’s neediest kids.

What if there was an easy way for everyone, in cities across the country, for elders, adults, or college students, to give a few hours or a day to help make a difference in schools and the lives of at-risk kids? How would that change life in your community?

Now that is a vision that makes my heart sing!

You can visit the Youth Guidance website to learn more about their Donate A Day program. You might even want to consider donating a little chunk of time to a youth-serving organization in your community. It would be a chance for you to "Do Good, Feel Good, and Be Good." I know they are waiting for your call!

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Sons of Divorce and Suicide

Our friends at the Men’s Health Forum Scotland are in the business of building very good and healthy men. That work just happens to be very good for boys. Their organization sponsors events (in Scotland, of course) and puts out regular e-bulletins on topics of interest to men. In a recent e-bulletin they directed men to the recent research report from the University of Toronto study showing how some boys are more vulnerable to suicidal thoughts if their parents divorce before the boy is eighteen. Apparently the issue is not as prevalent in girls.

The study, published online Jan. 19 in the Journal Psychiatry Research, found that boys of divorce are two to three times as likely to seriously consider taking their own lives as men whose parents were not divorced by that age. Dr. Esme Fuller-Thomson, the study’s lead author and a professor of family and community medicine at the University of Toronto noted in most cases of divorce, until recently, it was the moms who got custody of the children. She felt that, “The loss of a male role model for the boys may seriously impact their well-being . . .” and the lack of regular contact with dad could have a negative emotional and developmental impact on sons.

Now please remember we're talking about THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE here. Divorced parents shouldn't get panicked about their sons. The good Dr. Fuller-Thomson allowed that serious thoughts of suicide affect only a small minority of children, and there are lots of other factors that can influence a kid's negative thinking. Most importantly, the vast majority of children of divorce do just fine.

I'm bringing this up because suicidal ideation is yet another negative consequence of boy socialization to be tough, don't show/have feelings (weakness), and certainly don't ask for help. It's also a good reason for boys to have contact with the divorced dad (if they are good for each other), and for the young man to have good and caring men in their lives as role models. Having an age appropriate conversation with dad or sharing their thinking and feelings around the divorce with other supportive adults will help protect boys from internalizing their emotions or keep them from living with irrational guilt and feelings of responsibility for the divorce.

You can read more about the details of this research in a recent New York Times Health Blog article, or read about how to help kids manage their feelings around divorce at kidshealth.org.

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Message About Schools - I'm Just Sayin!

Yes I do know that in all probability this is not a real answering machine message from a school in Australia, or New York, or maybe anywhere. But I kind of like it!

I'm just sayin . . .

Use this link if the video doesn't appear.

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The Man Box and The Boy Code

Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. In the video below, recorded as part of the incredible series by TED Conferences ©, Tony comes up with another description of the tragic and destructive socialization of men that he calls, The Man Box.

A similar, but boy version of the, be tough, don't show your pain, man up, don't be a girl, and just handle it all by yourself . . . template was described by William Pollack in his book Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood. Pollack called it The Boy Code.

Awareness of these stereotypes is the first step on the path to healing ourselves, raising better sons, and then doing something about what's being taught and how men are being portrayed in the media. I'd be curious to know how close Tony Porters experience of being a man (and raising a son) parallels your own. This is important food for thought for all genders!

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